The standard tell tale signs of celebrity pregnancies aren’t just degrading — they’re usually completely nonsensical. We’re supposed to think women in the limelight are pregnant for every flowy top, stomach touch, and “pregnant face” some paparazzi happens to snap an image of. And the list of derogatory phrases for the “post-baby body” aren’t that sweet either.
As someone who must routinely dig through swarths of pregnancy rumors, it’s evident that everything from politely declining sushi to being recently married is fair game. Even if we’re not talking about the exact shape Kate Middleton’s stomach takes in a particular dress, the rags will still insist that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant based on her wearing a coat — in December.
It seems that for every speculation regarding uterine contents, the press can fabricate some portion of a lady body that reflects said hypothetical pregnancy. In recent years, the tabloids seem to have moved light years away from even the old Baby Bump Code of slightly paunchy stomachs and empire-waisted blouses. Even gossiping about an all black ensemble à la Jessica Simpson doesn’t compare to some of the truly bizarre scrutiny that marks the assessment of allegedly pregnant starlets.
So the Mommyish team and I rounded up some new ones for the tabloids to start using if they ever run out of steam on all those pregnant faces, alleged baby bumps, and belly touching. Just give us a shout, Us Weekly, and we’ll gladly throw more your way.