kristinbellPregnant Kristen Bell is expecting her first baby with fiancé Dax Shepard. And no, she won’t be opting for the birthing pool, a fancy doula, a midwife, and/or natural childbirth. Hell to the no on that from this celebrity mother.

The 32-year-old actress sat on Ellen DeGeneres‘s couch to do the “I’m Pregnant Here’s My Belly” press circuit. Ellen kept to the fairly standard TV host script, confirming when Kristen Bell was due (end of spring!) and even trying to trick the soon-to-be mother into revealing the baby’s gender. Kristen kept smiley poker-faced however, evading the inquiry that she was having a son.

But when it came to discussing the good old birthing plan, Kristen denied that she was going anywhere near a natural birth:

“I’ve got nothing to prove. No way. I feel like when I arrive at the hospital I want a glass of whiskey, I want the epidural in my back. And, I want to get hit in the face with a baseball bat and wake me up when it’s over because I’ve seen the videos and it looks terrifying.”

Cue the up and arms home birthers who perhaps would like a medal or two for their successful delivery. Kristen Bell will gladly cede to you champions.