SAHM No More explores the the ups-and-downs of navigating a new world of parenting, transitioning from married stay-at-home motherhood to a full-time working, divorced motherhood. And there are a lot of adjustments being madeāa lot of adjustments and not a lot of sleep.
I received an email from my 11-year-old sonās teacher the other day. The last couple of emails that Iāve received from this teacher have been about my sonās, well, letās just say substandard organizational skills, so I assumed that this note would be on the same topic. I was incredibly surprised and happy to see that instead the teacher wanted to commend my son on his behavior on a class field trip.
They had taken the subway to a museum and my son had given all of the money in his wallet to some of the buskers his class had come across. His teacher wrote to tell me that she was impressed with his kindness and generosity and by the fact that his eyes teared up when he said he wished he had more money to give. His teacher went on to say that I was clearly raising my son right and that he was a perfect gentlemen, and ānot like other boys.ā
And that was where I paused.
I completely understand what his teacher was trying to convey, and I know she only had the best intentions. But, it was still a bit startling to see it put as bluntly as āyour son did something generous, heās not like a typical boy.ā Because, well, what does that even mean? What is a typical boy supposed to be like? Is a typical boy supposed to lack empathy or not have his eyes fill easily with tears? Is a typical boy not supposed to want to help people in need?
Lately, I feel like Iāve been inundated with gender stereotypes having to do with both my sons and myself. Itās not just about my son being singled out as different from other boys, itās also me. I feel separate sometimes from what a mom is āsupposedā to be. And what a mom is āsupposedā to be falls pretty much in line with gender stereotypes that stretch back for decades, stereotypes that donāt lend themselves to the reality of life as a contemporary working mom.
When I picked up my younger son from his after-school program the other day, he mentioned that he wanted to have a playdate with one of his best friends. I had to explain to him that Iāve been trying to set one up, but that itās been too hard with my work schedule.
He looked at me and said, āWhy canāt you be like other moms? They always pick up their kids. Youāre more like a dad.ā
I immediately pointed out to him that this wasnāt true and that plenty of his friends were picked up by their fathers. But the reality is that there is still this idea ingrained in my sonās head that itās mothers who ought to be picking up their kids. That there is some fundamental way in which I am not doing my job.
Iāve worked very hardāespecially as a single motherāto teach my two boys that while people might be different, they are all equal. They understand this to a certain extent, or, at least, as much as they are intellectually capable of anyway. But I also get afraid of having them fall into the all-too-common societal trap of doing what is expected of them as āboysā and expecting certain behaviors to come out of āgirls.ā
I just want both of my sons to grow up realizing that mothers and fathers work and boys and girls are empathetic, among other things. Basically, as trite as it sounds, we are all human with the same core responsibilities to other humans and the same moral compasses. Weāre just all in this together.