• Fri, Jan 11 2013

I Stalk The List Of Children That Need To Be Adopted In My State

adoptionThere are 82 children and sibling groups available for adoption in my state. They range in ages from 4 to 17, with the majority in the early teen range. They’re pretty evenly distributed between males and females, with a slight edge going to the boys. I’ve begun to memorize their names, their faces, their hobbies. Almost every day for weeks, I’ve been scanning through the lists of kids in my state who would like to be adopted.

Just before Christmas, I found out that I would never be able to conceive the child my husband and I were hoping to have. Almost immediately after we shared this news, friends, family, and more than a few readers suggested that we look into adopting a child, giving a child in need a home.

To be honest, adoption is something that my husband and I had already been considering for quite a while. It’s not something I often discussed because I don’t believe that those suffering with infertility should just be pushed towards adoption, as if the two choices are basically the same thing, or could be used as substitutes for one another. Adoption is its own important, complex and wonderful choice.

However, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that it’s a choice I’m considering with more thoughtfulness ever since I found out that we couldn’t get pregnant. There’s something about the loss of that possible future child that leads me to find solace scrolling through the names and faces of other children, ones that we might have an opportunity to bring into our family.

I don’t like to consider that I’m stalking children on an adoption website, but it’s really the truth. I check in on them, hoping that their names have been removed from the list and that they are on their way to good homes. I worry about how long they were sitting on that list before I started checking in on them.

Most importantly, I imagine their personalities. I imagine being able to help them decorate their new rooms in our new home, choosing colors and themes and furniture. I would just love to be able to tell them that they don’t need to worry, that they’re part of a family that wants to love and support them.

I’m not saying that my husband and I are ready to adopt a child immediately. I think that’s too large of a decision to make when I’m vulnerable and still healing from our recent news. More than anything, I don’t want to rush into such an important life choice without plenty of careful thought and preparation.

At the same time, I cannot help but think about those kids. I can’t help but look at their smiling pictures and think that I could give these children a good, stable home.

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  • Tinyfaeri

    Whatever you and your husband and daughter decide to do, I’m sure you’ll do well with it. :)

    • LindsayCross

      Thank you so much!

  • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique Véronique Houde

    I don’t want to criticize because I admire your article, and how you are looking at your life’s events in a positive life, and are imagining different outcomes for yourself and your family. It’s awesome that you are considering adopting a child that is older – yet, you only name the fantasies involved in adopting such a child – reassuring him or her that you will be there for them, and helping him or her in decorating his or her room. However, I’m thinking of the readers of this blog and how they will obviously be inspired by your life story, and it would be awesome to be able to read about what you imagine are the negative aspects, and your concerns in adopting an older child. Issues such as attachment and trust issues, working around the reasons the child was removed from his/her home, getting adjusted to new family dynamics, possible learning and developmental issues, etc… What are your perspectives on these and how do you imagine yourself turning these into positives? I’m looking forward to an article on this topic, if it inspires you :)

    • LindsayCross

      I completely understand what you mean, and I appreciate that you brought it up. Right now, as I mentioned, I am still in a healing phase and I want to make sure that I’m ready to handle all of those possible difficulties you mentioned before I start really making an adoption plan. But if that is the decision that my husband and I make, I’m definitely going to need to deal with issues like attachment, trust, and new family dynamics. Once I hit that point, I hope that I’ll be able to share that part of the journey as well.

    • katydid0605

      Lindsay, you are always right so well thought and relatable out even in the comments. nice work :)

    • LindsayCross

      It’s official: You guys are making my blush.

    • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique Véronique Houde

      I’m looking forward to continue reading about your journey Lindsay :)

    • LindsayCross

      Thank you so much!

  • Andrea

    There’s nothing wrong with what you are doing! And adoption isn’t a “second best” choice. But it is not AT ALL for everyone. If that’s where you are led, that’s where you will go. And if it isn’t, that’s fine too!

    Maybe it’s your brain’s way of opening to the possibility. Maybe it is God’s way of showing you something He had in mind for you (if you have that type of faith, I do, but I wouldn’t presume, so please forgive me if it comes across wrong). Maybe it’s what you need to do to make certain one way or another. Who knows. But don’t feel guilty about it. Do what you need to do!

  • Urban Mommys

    A few years ago, I did this too. I’ve always wanted to adopt, yet the man I was with wasn’t interested and I didn’t feel it would be fair to the kids I already had, or the ones I wanted to adopt. Yet I still had hopes… until one day I was seated next to a stranger at a baby shower who worked for my state’s child welfare agency and dealt with kids being put up for adoption. We struck up a conversation and I told her about my dream to adopt. She told me that just about every child available for adoption in our state came with major issues and would not only be best as the only children in the house, would need years of extensive therapy just to be self sufficient. There were the occasional happy endings, she said, but this was very unusual. Most children who are up for adoption have been through traumatic experiences that you don’t even want to imagine that have done irreparable damage to their psyches. Too often in this country, the system is more interested in reuniting children with unfit parents when taking them away sooner and younger would be more beneficial. I don’t write this to discourage you, just to give you some perspective.

  • Jessie

    It’s very nice to hear that you are beginning to see hope for someday having another child in your life somehow, and beginning to heal after your sad news. I’m looking foward to hearing what you and your husband ultimately decide on this matter and perhaps, if you don’t think it would be too revealing, a new series articles about the process of adoption and preparing your family for the new addition, should that be the choice you make. It would be very interesting to read a firsthand experience with the process. :)

  • xxshelbyxx

    How do you have a daughter if you can’t get pregnant

    • Mommy2One

      Secondary infertility. Google it.