“Ok, goodbye! We’ll be seeing you soon!” I said cheerfully to the patient and her boyfriend, gathering up her discharge paperwork as I waved them out the door of our labor and delivery floor.
Behind me, I heard stifled giggles from my co-workers.
“What is it? What’s so funny?” I demanded.
“We didn’t have time to tell you, but that was the couple,” one of them managed in between laughs.
“The couple?” I asked. “Oh,” I said, realization dawning on me. “That couple.”
The one who got caught having sex in the triage room. Behind a curtain. With two other patients in plain view.
As a labor and delivery nurse, I am used to well, intimate moments with my patients. But sometimes, things can get a little too intimate for my liking. Through the years, my co-workers and I have witnessed a few X-rated scenes on the OB floor, including the delivery room.
Throughout my tenure, I’ve noticed that labor and delivery brings out a lot of things in people. And one of them, apparently, is sex.
The couple in question was there for a labor evaluation. She had experienced a few contractions and thought she may be in labor, but after being evaluated, her doctor decided to send her home. Her nurse unhooked her from the monitors and walked out to gather her discharge paperwork—a task that takes 15 minutes, tops.
But that was all the time they needed.
The two other women in the triage room and their husbands, separated by a few thin curtains, watched as the couple formulated a plan. Deciding the hospital bed wasn’t conducive to any other position, the couple settled on doggy-style. While they may have thought the curtains provided them with enough cover, they had overlooked the fact that their bed sat directly next to a window. With a reflection clearly visible to the entire triage room.
When their nurse came back, she was quickly waved over by one of the other patients in the room and updated on the situation. So unbelievable was the scene they had just witnessed that one of the husbands had even snapped a picture of the window reflection with his cell phone, leaving no shadow of a doubt.
Now I know having sex is supposed to induce labor and all, but I call that taking things a bit too far.
Call me old-fashioned but I just don’t see the appeal. There’s just something about giving birth and getting intimate in a hospital environment that doesn’t sit well with me. But that doesn’t seem to stop some people.
One nurse I know caught her patient with a man in her bed during her labor—and he wasn’t the father of the baby she was delivering.
While talking with my patient about the plan to have her get up to the shower, her boyfriend asked if he could help her. “Oh, of course,” I said gratefully. “That would be great.”
“See?” he said, shoving her playfully and waggling his eyebrows. “I told you they wouldn’t care if we got in the shower together!”
His girlfriend rolled her eyes at him. “She didn’t mean like that,” she said.
No, I certainly didn’t mean like that. And did I mention she had given birth about 30 minutes prior?
For another patient, no permission was necessary—one of my fellow nurses had the pleasure of walking in on a patient in the shower with her man.
Or there was the patient who called up to the labor and delivery floor, curious as to how long she should wait to have anal sex after her c-section. Was three days too early?
All jokes aside, there was once even a case of a woman giving birth, only to be sent right back to surgery after her husband exercised his spousal rights—and tore her stitches completely open.
And then there was the patient I had recently whose labor had stalled. After being stuck at two cm dilated for most the afternoon, her boyfriend helpfully suggested they have sex to try to get things going.
“Oh, yeah!” she said brightly. “That’s a good idea! The prostaglandins are supposed to help dilate me!” They then proceeded to discreetly ask for privacy.
The moral of the story here? Please don’t have sex while you’re in the hospital, waiting to have a baby, or having just delivered a baby. You never know who may walk in on you. Or have a cell phone.