• Tue, Jan 8 2013

Dealing With Infertility Made Me A Jealous Judgey Monster

shutterstock_87882022Dealing with infertility puts you in a lonely, helpless, frustrating place that is really hard to describe. Reading some of the comments on my colleague Lindsay Cross‘s last piece in her “Unbearable” series really jogged my memory. Infertility can turn you into a total bitch.

If you are not familiar with the series, it follows Lindsay over a year and a half on her journey to attempt to become pregnant again. She thoughtfully composed nearly two years worth of stories that women who are dealing with the frustration and pain of infertility could relate to. Myself and countless other readers were pulling for a happy ending that didn’t come. After her struggle, her doctors informed her that she wouldn’t be able to carry a child again.

Her story was read by thousands of people. The comments poured in – 170 so far – of mostly supportive well wishers and commiserators. It opened my eyes to the community that is involved in blogging. Sharing our stories really helps us all feel connected and less alone.

Of course, this is the Internet. Not every comment was supportive:

At least you were able to have a child. Why don’t you enjoy time with her and look into adoption instead of moping around?

A lot of whining by someone who already HAS a damn kid. Be thankful and quit your sob stories. When I started reading, I thought I was going to get some story about someone who NEVER got to have children. I was disgusted to find out that she already has a daughter. Suck it up, princess.

At least you have ONE child, Jesus Christ. Maybe you aren’t the best person to be commenting on the trials of infertility.

Wait. What? Your daughter will be an ONLY child? Well that’s one more than I was able to have so spare us the self pity. It’s sad about your lost pregnancy and your tube but don’t expect us to sympathize too much while you put your daughter to bed every night and we have…nothing. Quit whining and count your blessings, you greedy, insensitive (to anyone’s pain but your own) bitch.

I’m sorry for your pain but come on, you have a daughter and there are many options available to you to have more children. Crying over this seems incredibly selfish when there are people dead/dying every day, people who have never had a child or lost their children, children starving to death every day and many children in foster care needing homes, and there are 7 billion people in the world. Do we really need to make more? Like oh no, I have to re-purpose the nursery! I wish I had your problems.

I hate to break it to all of these people, but losing a child or even the dream of a child does not become easier when you already have one. I was infertile for five years and finally able to give birth to a beautiful, healthy boy. I am currently pregnant again. I’m almost 40. After struggling to become pregnant with my first, this pregnancy is something that was not planned and that I never thought would happen. I’ve spent this entire pregnancy on pins and needles because of my history of repeated pregnancy loss. If, God forbid, a loss did happen – would I be a selfish bitch for mourning it?

I don’t think so.

As another reader pointed out, this isn’t the “suffering Olympics.” Pain is pain. Whether you have a child or not, when you experience infertility – you suffer. My initial reaction to all of those negative comments was, “Wow. You are all vile individuals.” But then I remembered that we are all human. Sometimes the things you experience put you in a really dark, vile place and you say dark, vile things. I know. I’ve been there.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean

    Sometimes I hate how awful women (and people in general) can be to one another. I lost a son at almost 8 months to a placental abruption and had a woman tell me I shouldn’t “bitch about it” since I had a kid. WTF? I had to bury a baby. I sometimes want to physically smack these assholes.

    • marisa

      But you do see how goofy it is to say you hate how awful people are and that you’d like to hit them in the face for not thinking like you, right?

    • http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean

      This is exactly the bullshit I am talking about. I would never ACTUALLY hurt someone. I’ve never smacked someone in my life. The point is my urge to do it when someone told me I shouldn’t grieve over a BABY that fucking DIED in my FUCKING arms. Seriously, I am not entitled to a little mental rage at that? Obviously I didn’t and would never hit someone. I don’t think anyone has the right to do that, but no one should have the right to tell a grieving mother to get over it. I want to point out that this was said to me the week after this happened, not years later. This isn’t when people simply disagree with me either.

    • bluelove

      I can not imagine your loss. You have every right to grieve.Do you have any other children? I hope so. All I have said, in my posts is that a women with even just ONE child, can NEVER know the pain, of being “childless”. Peace.

    • Tinyfaeri

      There’s “you don’t think like me, so I want to hit you” … and then there’s reacting to someone telling someone who has given birth to and lost a baby to not bitch about it because she has another child by saying you’d like to smack them. Which is about the worst, most thoughtless possible thing you could ever say to anyone about anything ever.
      If you don’t see the difference between those two scenarios, I’m slightly more concerned for the future of humanity than I was yesterday.

    • Blooming_Babies

      It’s sad and wrong that anyone ever thought it was okay to say such a horrible thing to you. That loss is as real and as devastating as any loss. Feeling the urge to smack someone like that is not only normal and healthy it’s on the soft side of reactions. So sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine.

  • marisa

    Having a stillborn and so many miscarriages made me a thousand times more aware of what my own questions and comments could mean to someone. I won’t comment, period, on the subject matter. What I will say is that while it may be considered quite cunty to call someone out for their honesty, to a woman who has never had a child, someone sharing their pain about not being able to have more than one really can seem like a white girl first world problem. I understand both sides.

    • bluelove

      ??? white girl first world???? Please, no racist comments.

  • Ale515

    I can’t speak for everyone, but I read the article that was mentioned. I’m one of the commenters of the original, although I wasn’t that mean. To be fair some of us did mention that she had the right to grieve, but to now enjoy her daughter and count her blessings. But I definitely could have written this article myself. I’m there right now. I constantly get bombarded with Facebook posts that seems like every single person I’ve ever known is pregnant but me… It sucks either way!

  • Amanda Low

    Beautiful piece, Maria. That’s such an interesting point you make about taking it personally when you saw other women with children…I wonder if this is somewhat rooted in biology, you know? Even though I don’t want to have another child yet, I find myself getting jealous when I see my relatives getting pregnant and growing their families, almost like my body just feels the need to perpetuate the species. I do agree with that one comment about the “pain Olympics”…competing with other women for sob stories is so divisive and destructive. We should do our best to support each other.

  • bozzgirl

    It’s interesting. In reading the original article I was totally empathetic to the author’s feelings and struggles, having had my own. I related to her and felt like I understood what she had been going through. But then it felt like a punch in the face when I read that she had a daughter. All of sudden I could not relate to her anymore and that is when I felt the ugly feelings and shared some of the same sentiments of the other posters (although I refrained from commenting). I get it. Everyone is entitled to have their feelings and I am really sorry that she had so much trouble conceiving. Her pain is not any less than mine just because she has a kid. I just wonder though, if the author had validated (in some way) the women who can never have even one child – would the reactions have been so visceral? I don’t know. Certainly, assuaging my bitterness is not her job nor her concern.Those are my feelings to deal with and get through and I just hope that I don’t inflict any pain on anyone else during the process.

    • Guest

      I am pregnant with my first, and I have never dealt with infertility. Yet Lindsay’s lack of “validation” as you put it really did bother me on behalf of all the childless infertile women…not to say that she doen’t also feel pain and deserve sympathy, but I think that she is clearly in a different category than those women who have never and will never have biological children. I think it would have been good of her to acknowledge that her pain was something different, and there are others who are going through a different kind of infertility — and I don’t want to say that’s a “worse” pain, but I can guarantee you, despite the pain she feels, she wouldn’t trade places with other childless women. All three of my aunts struggled with infertility. As a family, we witnessed two late second trimester losses. Two of them ended up being able to have a child, but one was never and will never be able to be a mother. She’s an elementary school teacher, a wonderful aunt and now great aunt, and I know she and my uncle are genuinely happy and have probably come to peace with their situation. But, I am still very sensitive to her feelings, and I am and always will be careful to not take fertility for granted. I just wonder if Lindsay has anyone close to her who has primary infertility…maybe she would feel and write differently about her experience if she did.

    • ipsedixit010

      I agree. There certainly is a loss when dealing with secondary infertility, but I don’t equate it with the same “loss” as being told you will never be able to bear children. At all. You might not ever be able to give that child a sibling, or have the family you thought you would, or be able to give your husband a biological child, but….you actually do have one child and get to share in those life experiences. That’s not on par with someone who will absolutely never get that chance. When writing about infertility, your readership is probably going to include a lot of women that just won’t be able to bear any kids. As someone said below, it’s like telling an unemployed friend how much you hate you job.

    • Maddie

      I agree with the above two comments. Infertility and the loss of a pregancy is painful and heartwrenching no matter how many children you have… and you have my empathy all the way. But secondary infertility is NOT the same as facing a life of childlessness. I will never be a mother. I will never give birth, raise a child, go to a childs graduation or wedding. I will never have grandchildren on my lap. My husbands family line ends with him. And no, adoption is not an option for us, as we spent all our money on fertility treatments. A person suffering from secondary infertility can never ever relate to that, and to presume that they can is indescribably insensitive.

    • Oz

      Agreed. Lindsay knows what it is like to be infertile, but not what it is like to be childless. Big difference.

    • BubbleyToes

      I agree with all of the comments on this post. It is not the same. It is still painful, of course, and I would not wish any kind of infertility on anyone. However, not EVER being able to be called mom, go to a child’s wedding or have grandchildren as Maddie said below…that is a totally different kind of pain.

  • red11109

    Having gone through secondary infertility, this raises an interesting point. Not only are you grieving not being able to have another child, not being able to provide a sibling for the child that you have (and this was something important to me, and others going through it, I’m sure), you also feel guilty for even WANTING another child, because this is the response you get. You feel like you can’t even voice your sadness about it because you know these are the types of comments you will get. And you want, REALLY want, to be happy about just having one. But it takes some getting used to when it wasn’t in your “plan”. Anyway, that was my experience with that subject.

  • TheLily

    As for turning into a jealous monster, I’ll admit through my struggles, I feel it all the time. Even though we’re not actively trying right now, every time I see a pregnant woman, it makes me wonder if I’ll ever carry to term. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve found blood and just thought, “Oh, here we go again.” I’ve had to stop telling my husband we’re pregnant, because it’s only a matter of time before we’re not again.

    My friend told me she would have to

  • LiteBrite

    A friend of mine cannot have a child. After she got married, she decided to wait and do all the things she wanted to do (travel for one). By the time she was ready to have a baby, she found out she couldn’t, at least without serious medical intervention. Unfortunately, her husband decided he liked their life just fine without kids and wasn’t willing to pursue fertility options or even adoption. They’re now divorced, and she has all but given up on her desire to have a baby.

    After I got pregnant, and for another two years after that, our friendship faltered. We’ve since talked and hugged it out, but she shared with me the pain and anger she felt during my pregnancy. Yes, I felt it was more than a little unfair of her to take her anger out on me, but I can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same way if the situation was reversed.

    I also can see how painful it would be for her to hear from me, already a mother, “God, I feel so sad that I won’t be able to have another child.” I think her reaction, at least internally, would be “Really? Because gee, I can’t have ANY.” I agree this isn’t the pain Olympics – no one is getting the gold here – but as hurtful as these commenters are, their comments are probably coming from their own painful and angry place. I’m not saying it’s right, but I also can’t say that I wouldn’t feel the same way if I was in that situation. (I just wouldn’t voice it out loud or in writing.)

    • bluelove

      I have to say that women who have only one child, and can not have another are, I am sure, “hurting” but I also can say that a women who has even one child can not know the pain of infertility……the pain of having NO children.

  • Lee

    I’m 39 and don’t have any children, but I did have a miscarriage last year in April. It was devastating! I have now battled fertility issues since then and don’t know what the future holds. An acquaintance of mine, who has two kids, went through a miscarriage a couple of months ago. I was talking with her and was being empathetic, trying to comfort her if I could. She said she didn’t know how I got through my miscarriage. The thought of possibly never having kids and not knowing if you could even get pregnant again was almost too much to bear. I said, yeah, it’s been brutal. Thanks a bunch!

  • Blueathena623

    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at around 10 ish weeks along. The pregnancy was a surprise, although welcome. When I miscarried I was sad but knew life would go on.
    What I was NOT expecting was the amount of anger I felt towards other women who were pregnant. A close coworker was pregnant during this time, and our friendship really suffered. Two years later I’m still jealous of the moms/babies who were born around this time even though I now have an 11 month old son who would not be here if not for that first miscarriage.
    Seriously, what is with that? I’m not even going to go into the negative, nasty thoughts I had towards other pregnant women, but they shocked me, and still shock me.

  • C.J.

    My sister suffered from issues having babies. She could get pregnant but had trouble carrying them. She had a daughter. Then she had a son that only lived for a day and a half. Then multiple miscarriages. She was able to have another son, we almost lost them both to a placenta abruption. Then multiple miscarriages again. The fact that she already had a child did not make all the lost babies or the fact that she wouldn’t be able to have another any easier. It affected her in ways I don’t even know how to describe. It consumed her to point she couldn’t think of anything else. It affected her relationship with her children, her husband, her family. She wouldn’t go talk to anyone. I can’t even imagine how much courage it takes to be able to write about these struggles on the internet. I wish my sister had an outlet like this, or any outlet for that matter. It has been 10 years since her son died and 6 years since her last miscarriage. It still consumes her. She has pulled away so much, I fear she will never be able to grieve enough to be able live with the grief. I fear she will never be able to truly enjoy anything in life again, even her children. We can’t talk to her about it, she doesn’t want to talk. All we can do is be there for her when she needs us and wait for her when she doesn’t want us. I don’t often comment on the articles about infertility but I always read them in hopes of trying to understand my sister and how to help her. Unfortunately my daughter was born the same day as her first son so there is a lot of resentment towards me and my daughter because my baby lived. She obviously isn’t going to listen to anything I have to say.I wish there was something I could do to help her. I don’t think she realizes how much her family loves her and how much we worry about her. These articles help so many people. Not just those going through similar experiences, but the people who love them too. We can’t really understand the pain, we have never been through it. You and Lindsey help us to try to understand. I wish Lindsey would have been writing her column when my sister was going through her losses. Maybe it would have helped her. Even if there are sometimes vile comments, know that you are helping people. It’s easy for comments to sound vile when they are spoken out of pain, At least that’s what I see with my sister. I don’t think they are really meant that way. I wish nobody ever had to go through this.

  • CrazyFor Kate

    I think this piece is a great reminder of how we shouldn’t judge other people’s circumstances, whether it comes to pregnancy or other health issues or just about anything under the sun. Feelings are valid, and it’s okay to grieve or worry. I’ve never dealt with anything remotely related to pregnancy at all – I’m 21 and don’t intend to have kids for a while – but I know there is definitely a time to keep mouths shut and keyboards closed. There just seems to be too much judging with the world in general. Good luck with your current pregnancy.

  • whiteroses

    I was told I would never be able to have children. I planned my life around the idea that I would never be able to have a single child, never mind multiple children. I was told it was a medical impossibility and knew my husband (who is a primary school teacher and loves children) was the one when he told me he could live wthout children- as long as he didn’t have to live without me. And yes, it was like needles to the eyes when it seemed like everyone I knew was having a baby- it felt like all of my friends were joining a club I’d never be able to even think about. I tried to be happy for the friends who were having kids, but it was really freaking hard. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “You wouldn’t understand, you’re not a mom.” And I can’t tell you how much that hurt.

    So when we found out that we were going to have a son, we were both utterly shocked and surprised. We consider the child that we have a miracle. And I would never presume to know how someone else feels. But knowing that your body once did something it seemingly can’t do again? That hurts, too. Lindsay Cross is, unless I’ve read her columns incorrectly, married. Her daughter is her husband’s stepdaughter. It’s perfectly normal to love a man and want to have his child, if that’s the direction that your life is going.

    But you know what isn’t normal? Telling a woman who just found out that she will never be able to have another child that she should suck it up, because after all she already has one. Telling her that, hey, one child is fine, because the world is overpopulated anyway. That may be sentiments some of us feel, but why would anyone be crass enough to write it? I may be old fashioned, but I try not to write something that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. If Cross’ columns speak to you, even if you already have a child, then maybe she’s done what she apparently set out to do by bearing her soul on the Internet- help.

    • http://twitter.com/bossmomonline Portia Mount

      Very well said.

  • http://twitter.com/bossmomonline Portia Mount

    Maria, another great piece. I have a child but am experiencing secondary infertility. It’s hell especially after three miscarriages in a row – my most recent just a few weeks ago. Who’s pain is more valid? The woman who has no children or one who already has children? Fact is that infertility is painful regardless of whether you are childless or have five. There are no points in heaven for the person who suffers the most. What I read in the comments to Lindsay’s post is the deep, unspoken pain that is brought on by infertility and pregnancy loss. It’s a difficult topic that no one wants to talk about (you had a great post on why women need to speak up about miscarriage a few weeks back that was spot on) and so when people like Lindsay put themselves out there with vulnerability and courage, we owe it to them to show the support and love we’d want shown to us. I was really appalled by some of the bitter comments yet I also understood that they come from a place of deep pain.
    Let’s all cut each other some slack and just acknowledge that wanting a child and not being able to have one is a f*cked up shitty place to be. Let’s hold each other up and acknowledge that even as many of us suffer privately, there are other women doing the same and they deserve our prayers for healing and peace just as much as we do ourselves.
    I guess what I am saying that if there was ever a time for showing compassion, even I in the face of extreme personal pain, this is one of those times.

    • bluelove

      All I am saying is that if you have even one child, you can NEVER know the pain of never having any.

  • ashlec

    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at about 12 weeks, and there was a period afterwards that I wasn’t sure if I could ever carry a child to term, and I DEFINITELY became a rage monster. People I already knew, random ladies in the mall, celebrities in Us Weekly. Anyone in the world who was pregnant got the full force of my hatred. To make it worse, my brother’s wife, who I already wasn’t the biggest fan of, got pregnant six weeks after I did. She was really overweight and smoked and I just couldn’t understand why her pregnancy would stick and mine wouldn’t. She and my brother were also the type to post daily updates about the pregnancy on Facebook, so the whole thing was pretty excruciating. I was angry and bitter ALL the time, and one day my husband told me that I just hated everything and I wasn’t the person he knew and it was scary and I needed to get help.

    I had to realize those external people had nothing to do with me and my situation. I had to stop worrying about what was going on with other people, because their situations were their own. My sister-in-law was allowed to be excited about her pregnancy. Lindsay is allowed to grieve the baby that she’s unable to have, despite the fact she has another child. Everyone has her own problems and struggles in life. Some are worse than others, but it doesn’t make it wrong for someone to mourn a loss. I understand what’s behind some of these comments, honestly I do, but it doesn’t make them right. The anger and hate are completely normal emotions to have, but you have to deal with them in the right way. They don’t give anyone the right to kick someone when they’re down, because you don’t deem her problems as severe enough. There are people starving and dying in third world countries right now that could tell us all we’re selfish to be unhappy for any reason ever. Pain and loss are relative.

  • somethingobscure

    I am pregnant with my first, and I have never dealt with infertility.
    Yet Lindsay’s lack of “validation” as you put it really did bother me on
    behalf of all the childless infertile women…not to say that she
    doen’t also feel pain and deserve sympathy, but I think that she is
    clearly in a different category than those women who have never and will
    never have biological children. I think it would have been good of her
    to acknowledge that her pain was something different, and there are
    others who are going through a different kind of infertility — and I
    don’t want to say that’s a “worse” pain, but I can guarantee you,
    despite the pain she feels, she wouldn’t trade places with other
    childless women. All three of my aunts struggled with infertility. As a
    family, we witnessed two late second trimester losses. Two of them ended
    up being able to have a child, but one was never and will never be able
    to be a mother. She’s an elementary school teacher, a wonderful aunt
    and now great aunt, and I know she and my uncle are genuinely happy and
    have probably come to peace with their situation. But, I am still very
    sensitive to her feelings, and I am and always will be careful to not
    take fertility for granted. I just wonder if Lindsay has anyone close to
    her who has primary infertility…maybe she would feel and write
    differently about her experience if she did.

    • Mousie

      Thank you. This is probably the most intelligent thing I’ve read concerning the original post ever. I suffer from primary infertility and am coming to terms with being childless. My heart breaks for anyone suffering from loss due to infertility, but to count secondary infertility as the same thing as childlessness is insensitive and cruel.

  • paulaschuck

    Wow! That was a harsh comment but I agree pain is pain and there are no suffering Olympics. Even after two kids and two successful adoptions I would like more. It is hard to feel that way when you know others wait. Also speaking of adoption that way sort of demeans the process. People need to come to adoption fully intending to commit to that reality not as if it is second best. So if the original writer were not prepared to adopt then she would be doing a disservice to a foster child. Your heart has to be 100 % in adoption. I feel badly for everyone who struggles – the foster kids waiting for homes, parents in waiting wanting fertility treatment to work or wanting to adopt and waiting to find a match. It hurts to be any of those parties.

  • Andrea

    Thinking that there is a finite amount of fertility in the world and that if someone gets pregnant that’s less chances that you have of getting pregnant, is not at all an uncommon feeling when dealing with infertility. I never went through it, my sister did and gawd was it painful to watch. She actually TO MY FACE forbade me to have any more children until she got pregnant. I already had two and ZERO plans of having a third one ever, but can you imagine? Of course, I understood that she was “not herself” as little old ladies say.

    Point being, infertility is a bitch and women that go through it cannot help their feelings. I forgive a lot of what they say and do because I certainly don’t wish that one anyone.

  • shannon

    amen. i am blessed enough to have a 1 year old but i am still reeling for everything i had to go through to get him. i didn’t think i would make it through and i should be doing nothing be enjoying it but i am worrying about what will happen when we try again. it is really sad that women who are all dealing with the same pain can’t just be supportive. it gives women a really bad name and it is not right. I am so sorry for Lindsay’s loss. the loss of her dream and the loss of her baby and tube. i hope that those people who left negative comments find success and come to realize that what they said was hurtful.

  • Elle

    Anyone who doesn’t think someone who grieve the death of a child for any reason has serious issues. It doesn’t matter how many siblings ( or aunts, uncles, cousins…)you have, if one dies, you are going to grieve. However, someone griping about infertility who already has a child to an audience of primarily those who can’t have children at all- and lets face it, that is who is primarily reading articles about infertility struggles- is kind of like complaining about your job to your unemployed friend. It isn’t that you aren’t entitled to hate your job or even complain about it, but for the love of God, think of who you are speaking to before you open your mouth or set fingers to the keyboard.

  • lily

    The problem here is, people are basing their judgement on their own experiences, instead of thinking about the person who they are replying to. Someone is sad. Do you tell them they shouldn’t be sad because YOU are sad? People skills are going out the frigging window because of the stupidnet.

  • Amanda

    I think people confuse “jealousy” with “disappointment” I am not jealous of my friends who are having 2nd babies when I am experiencing problems. I do not wish to trade places with them. I love what I have and I pray for them daily.

    On the contrary, I AM DISAPPOINTED in my body and why it is not doing what it supposed to be doing. I feel guilt that I am letting down my husband and maybe one day the daughter I have.

    Infertility, in any form, is horrible for self-esteem.

  • Alex

    I have had two miscarriages. One, before we had our daughter. It made me sad, and frustrated. The second came after our DD. it was the most gut wrenching, heart breaking, earth shattering event that has happened in my life. And I have lived through some pretty shitty stuff.

    I think it came down to, I KNEW what I was losing. I was so capable of such clear vision and forethought and anticipation that this pregnancy WAS a child. My child. Just as my daughter is.

    I am pregnant again, and I spend each day worrying. I’ve broken down to tears frequently. Did this happen when I became pregnant with DD after miscarriage 1? No. The true depth of my loss never impacted me the way the second miscarriage did. That loss is now so real, so tangible.

    To all of you who do not, can not, and will not have children… I am so, so very very sorry. We do count ourselves blessed, but please understand the loss of a child will break any parent. Whether you are a parent-to-be or a parent of eight you will love them all the same and it will hurt ALL the same. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t deserve children. Please save your judgement for true evils in this world.

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  • ipis

    I’m dealing with infertility. It sucks, but it comes in waves. Walking through a park, passing the baby section, getting invitations to baby showers, not being invited to a kid’s b-day party because you don’t have kids, comments from everyone asking when you are going to have kids, listening to pregnant women telling you about every detail of their pregnancy in person and on facebook, and then feeling guilty that you will never make your parents grandparents and knowing your husband would make a good dad but not being able to give him that, and then watching the news hearing some little teen girl abort a baby, or walking in a store and seeing someone abuse a kid, and then all the questions in your own mind about what is wrong with me and why won’t God answer this prayer—it hurts. Some days more then others. It is the death of a dream. Sometimes I just try to put a positive spin on it—-I’m not sleep deprived like all my other friends, I can come home to a house full of peace and quiet at the end of the day, I don’t have to deal with a whiny kid, it’s cheaper this way, this is a pretty messed up world we live in and it would be hard to raise a child up in this country, etc. Then other are other days I’m reminded that I have been fortunate not to have gone through some of the other struggles that are faced by countless other women (miscarriage, abortion, death of a child, a child with special needs, financial devastation from paying for infertility treatments, divorce, __________). Everyone has their own baggage. To be jealous of what they have is just plain ignorant on our part. We have no idea what struggles that they had to face to be in that place. I hate it when people tell me to count my blessings by saying at least you still have your arms and legs and health. What about all those amputees…what are they supposed to be thankful for. Pain sucks no matter what form or intensity it comes in. But a pain free life wouldn’t be any better. Leprosy is the absence of pain. I read a book that told a story about a patient that had leprosy and his fingers were gnawed off by a rat because he didn’t have the sensation of pain to kick the animal away when it was biting him. Sometimes I wonder why there is so much hurt in this world in whatever form it comes in. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is during times of pain and suffering that we grow the most. We aren’t meant to do life on our own. I’ve learned that I have to put my hope on someone greater than myself—for me that’s Jesus. That hope is what has gotten me through the pain of infertility, the loss of friends and family members, dealing with my mom’s cancer, and all the other junk that has caused me pain in this life. People say that trusting in God is my crutch, but I’m ok with that because I am broken and I have needed God to hold me up and even carry me through my darkest hours. It doesn’t bother me that these infertility articles are written by people with kids…it gives me hope that God was able to answer their prayers about having kids and maybe some day He will answer my prayers about having kids. But even if that isn’t the way my story goes, I will trust that God’s plan is better than my own and I’ll ask Him 10, 000 questions about why I had to go through this stuff when I meet Him face to face. For now, I’m grateful that I don’t have kids because I was able to take my mom to her cancer treatments and didn’t have to worry about childcare or putting on a brave face in the hospital in front of a kid. Whatever stage you are in, that loss is real and it is ok to grieve that loss—that’s what makes us human. Just don’t kick someone when they are down, you may have to go down a similar path someday. Life is hard enough without everyone trying to tear us down on an internet forum. Most people that are searching the web for this type of article are looking for ways to deal with their own pain/loss. It is time we put that golden rule into practice that our moms always tried to teach us: treat others as you would like to be treated. If you had kids, would you want them to read the comments that you have been posting here. Come on…it is seriously time to give people a break from the criticism and back biting that they find everywhere else. As women we beat ourselves up enough already—do we really need a stranger to knock us down into a deeper self pity party. It is time we learn to help each other out, instead of tearing each other down. Pain is pain no matter how you look at it. It is how you respond to it that can make all the difference in the world. If that means taking time to cry it out—that is ok. If it means venting–then ok. But do it responsibly….would you want to be on the receiving end of your comments?

  • Amarie1127

    I don’t know how I came along this blog but it felt really really good to read it. Because lately I’ve come to the realization that my fertility issues are changing me. My pain is so great and weighs so heavy on my heart that I sometimes find it difficult to believe that anyone could understand (unless you’ve gone through this). Therefore, I pull myself away from everyone but my husband. It also makes it very easy to judge what everyone else is doing and how they are living their life. I do not drink, smoke or take any drugs. I work out regularly and have a balanced diet. I am in a wonderful and loving marriage- married to my highschool sweetheart. We are financially stable with a house, car and even a puppy to match. But I can have all of that and still be the most jealous person in the world.

    It’s not even so much jealousy as hurt. It hurts me when I see people with children not raising them well and when I see unfit parents continuously having babies. It’s literally excruciating when I hear pregnant women complaining about being pregnant. I’d give you all I had to have your morning sickness and swollen feet.

    It’s just a relief to know I am not the only one who has these feelings. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I realize I am being unfair at times because of my own position. Pain is pain. But thank you for sharing your stories with me. <3

  • Hope Isreal

    I was very unhappy for years. I never gave up! God brought Iva Keene into my life because of her I have two amazing blessed children at 36!
    http://6f977lgqzrh-dr8ircsahhfw65.hop.clickbank.net/

  • KC

    Something I wrote dealing with not being able to get pregnant :/ http://divinenatureapparel.com/blogs/news/9173339-father-knows-best

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  • bluelove

    I had severe endometriosis. I was so messed up from an IUD (that has since been banned) that I could never conceive, and had horrible pain every month , until my complete hysterectomy. I have hurt over my barren womb, probably more than anything else. I don’t want to sound like this, but if you have a child, just one child, then you don’t know the pain that I am talking about. I was blessed with the joy of adopting twin boys, when they were six. I love them so very much. My husband was a single dad, and he is a great husband. At times, tho I feel like my boys don’t love me like they would their biological mom. Their biological mom walked out on them, when they were 16 months old! I can not understand at all , a women doing this! They were so precious! One of them has been somewhat rebellious, in his teen years. They are now 24. He resorted to calling me stepmom, on FB under a pic of me. I was soo hurt. And still wonder if he thinks of me as his mom, at times. I don’t know why God allowed me to not conceive, but I know that my anger at Him, has hurt me. It has hurt because I would not look at the gifts that He was giving me. The beauty of each new day, the chance to be a part of my boys lives…. even still. I told my husband the other day, that if he dies before me, I probably want get visits from the boys. He works offshore, and I only see them when he is in. I am working on the anger. I know God has His reasons, and I might never know them, this side of heaven. But I want to live in the joy He does give me, and the wonder of each new day! Please respond. I would love to talk to you. I know what a lonely place, being barren can be.

  • Maria

    I think it’s all about perspective and “the grass is greener” syndrome. I am not married, let alone trying for a child. Ever since I was a little kid, all I’ve ever wanted is to get married and start a family. I’m now 30 years old and still haven’t had a long term relationship. I get very jealous or judgmental when anyone who is getting married starts complaining about their wedding, even though that’s their right and they are probably legit complaints. I wish I was planning a wedding, or getting married or trying to conceive. My point is that we should be supportive of everyone who is going through a tough time in their life.

    When is My Due Date?

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