• Wed, Jan 2 - 12:15 pm ET

It’s Official, Rape Is No Longer A Girl Problem, It’s A Boy Problem. So Shut Up About Girls ‘Preventing’ Rape

Demonstrators react as police unleash water cannons during a protest calling for better safety for women in front of the Government Secretariat and Presidential Palace in New DelhiIt’s over. Everyone, it is OVER. We are done having the conversation about how we can prevent our daughters from getting raped. The new conversation we will now be having is how we can stop our boys from raping. I do realize that on rare occasions there are women rapists, but statistically, the facts are that more men commit rapes then women commit rapes. So we won’t be having the discussion about how to keep our daughters from becoming rapists. I will be happy to have this discussion when groups of six women and girls brutally rape a man with a steel pipe. All we (and I mean “we” collectively) ever discuss is how we can keep our girls, ourselves, women, safe from rapists. I know I have discussed before how we need to teach our sons not to rape, but this “new” conversation is one we need to be having constantly. And I will say this until my mouth is sore and my fingers fall off: We need to teach our boys how not to rape.

I don’t want to hear any more vaguely worded rape-shaming about how a girl could have minimized her chances of being raped. I do not care, and please, this is important, so please read carefully: I do not care how drunk a woman or girl was. She does not deserve to be raped. I do not care what a woman or girl was wearing. I do not care if Juicy Couture or Victoria’s Secret comes out with a new line of sweatpants with the words “Rape Me” emblazoned on the ass and a female person buys and wears these, she does not deserve to be raped. I do not care if a girl or woman has consensual sex with a man, changes her mind mid-coitus and says no, she does not deserve to be raped. I do not care how many dark alleys she walks down, how many bad parts of town she frequents, how sexually active she is, how much makeup she wears, the length of her hemline, she does not deserve to be raped. There is never an excuse, or reason, or justification for rape. Ever.

Responsible parents can speak to their daughters about how to minimize their chances of being raped. But the greater conversation we need to have is how to stop men and boys from raping. We have had years, and years, and years of rape prevention seminars for women, of safety tips and classes, of helpful hints so you don’t end up beaten and left in an alley somewhere after being sexually assaulted. We need the same sort of seminars, and pamphlets, and websites dedicated to teaching boys how not to rape. We need male politicians, and celebrities and athletes to do PSAs about how not to rape. We need fathers to talk to their sons about not raping. Women? We do this. We talk about rape, we are vocal about rape, we write about rape and protest rape and donate money to anti-rape organizations and write letters to get stricter rape laws passed. But we need more men to be as vocal as we are.

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  • Jess

    Well saying “shut up” certainly gets your bitchy point across.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      You have no idea how utterly bitchy I am about the never-ending victim blaming that happens every single time a woman is raped. I am beyond bitchy. I am mega super mega bitchy.

    • Bitchy McBitchbitch

      oh hai dere! Just heard the bitchy corner calling my name ;)

    • McGauth925

      You know, if it did happen that the whole conversation went to careful instruction of boys and men, with NO words of warning to girls and women – hard to imagine at this point – there WILL be women raped who could’ve avoided that with a few precautions. Telling us not to say that isn’t a solution.

    • KakkaKarrotKake

      Darn you virginia! What are you, insaiyan?!

    • CMJ

      Uh, all women should be SUPER bitchy about the victim blaming of rape victims. Add me to that bitchy list.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Yay! Let’s all be “bitchy” about rape! More bitchiness!

    • Jess

      I’m not accusing you of being bitchy about rape, just bitchy in general. Your condescending attitude negates anything else you have to say to the people that actually need to read your message.
      But hey, whatever.

    • ali

      Where in this article is she being condescending? And if she is, then she would have every right to be! Because this behavior is disgusting and I am so sick of it! I’m just as mad and annoyed at the society we live in, the entire world thinking that rape is a fault of the woman because she did A,B,and C. We MUST educate our boys about rape, about how even if you’re with your girlfriend of three years, NO MEANS NO. No matter the situation, boys must learn what is right and wrong and how to control themselves. We are all sexual beings, but there are boundaries and lines that cannot be crossed. Maybe the author is “bitchy” as you say because she is mad that no matter how educated and advanced we are, this barbaric act STILL happens ALL THE FREAKIN TIME. A.L.L. T.H.E. T.I.M.E. ENOUGH! Also, your use of the word bitchy is really not needed. You could have stated you believed she was being condescending right away instead of straight up insulting her with probably one of the worst terms so easily thrown around to discuss women.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Thank you

    • Jess

      What about the girls present at the parties–why didn’t they say anything? Look, I’m certainly not saying rape is the fault of women, but it’s not the fault of all men, either. It’s the fault of the asshats that raped that poor girl and the boys AND girls that witnessed it and did nothing. We need to educate ALL our children about rape, not one sex over the other.

      And so sorry I offended everyone with the word “bitchy.” But I certainly don’t like being told to “Shut up.”

    • ali

      Yes, everyone should be educated. However, the whole point is that with girls and women, rape is an always happening conversation. With boys, not so much. I did say that I didn’t think you had to use the word ‘bitchy’ but no where in my reply did I say the words “shut up”. Everyone has a right to an opinion and this is an open forum.

    • jessica

      How could you possibly be offended by the “shut up” in the title? Do you think that every article posted on the interwebs is directly aimed at you personally? I don’t get where you are coming from at all. I mean saying “shut up” is impossibly rude and unacceptable but victim-blaming is fine? What’s your deal?

    • Bluebelle

      You should probably just quit the internet, then.

    • Justme

      Rape ain’t sunshine and roses sweetheart. Obviously the attitude that society has taken in the past hasn’t worked, perhaps a little anger infused bitchiness will get the point across.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      and we need T shirts that say rape aint sunshine and roses <3

    • Kate m.

      We need shirts that say “I’m bitchy about rape”.

    • Altair

      Well it hasn’t worked either for murder, theft, and child abuse (the majority of child abuse is commited by women, mind you). Just stop trying to single up rape and deal with the issues as human issues.

    • Justme

      I’m not trying to “single up” anything. But I do believe when someone is robbed, murdered or a child is abused….no one generally calls the victim a lying whore (or something similar).

    • meg

      It’s an article about rape. What basis does the context of the article give you to say she’s “bitchy in general”?

      Or are you saying she needs to stop being so condescending and negative to people who are pro-rape?

      We need to stop tiptoeing around this topic. If that takes coming off as “bitchy,” so be it. Well-behaved women rarely make history.

    • McGauth925

      Who here is pro rape?! Complete and utter BS.

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      Wow.
      If there’s a time that being bitchy is justified, I’d say sexual assault is it.

    • Nova

      You bet your sweet ass she’s bitchy. I’m bitchy, too. I’m sick and tired of women being held accountable for a crime that’s victimized them. That is bullshit and it’s long past time for it to change. It’s high time for men to be held accountable for the things they’ve done instead of holding women accountable for the things men have done TO them.

    • McGauth925

      That’s crap. 1 in 60 men are rapists, and you’re telling it’s the fault of all of us. Are YOU responsible for the 2/3 of non-sexual child abuse committed by women?

    • LoveyDovey

      I hope it does! It’s about damn time we got mad enough to shock people. I’m sick of feeling like I have to tiptoe around other people about what happened to me when they and certainly my rapist sure as hell don’t/didn’t care about MY feelings.

      God forbid either of my daughters is ever raped. But if they are, I’d like for them not to be subject to such questions as “Was it a REAL rape?” or statements like “You were partially at fault for not fighting back hard enough/not saying no enough/wearing that outfit/whatever other bullshit reason I can pin on you to make myself feel better”, or “The rapist broke you for everyone else.”

      Am I bitchy about being assaulted and being treated like shit for it? Fuck yes I am! And I’m not going to apologize for being angry about it. I’m not about to be sorry for being angry when someone posts something idiotic that continues to place the onus on women and women alone for “controlling” a man’s actions.

      Call me and others like me bitchy all you want. I will wear the shit like a badge of honor.

    • meteor_echo

      Well paint me bitchy then. I think I get to be bitchy and provocative when it comes to my own rape – as well as every other survivor does.

    • PPD

      I am TURBO Bitchy when it comes to Rape….just ask my teenaged daughter how Bitchy I can be.

    • Kate m.

      I am totally a bitch about rape. Look at me, bitching about how it should stop and how the onus should fall on men to not rape. Everyone needs to be bitchy about this, including men.

    • Altair

      Until you start acknowledging that men can be raped as well, and that women can be abusive as well, your bitchiness now matter how well intentioned will keep alienating potential allies.
      If men are hearing that women don’t care about the violence committed against them, especially violence committed by women, why should they care about women at all?

    • Makabit

      Interestingly, most of the energy I see men putting into protecting other men from rape and abuse at the hands of women takes the form of acting out on the Internet every time it’s suggested that women are fed up with victim-blaming in rape cases.

      This could be because I’m not aware of the constructive activist work going on out there, in which case, please do link me so I can learn more. It could be because men are not sure how to organize themselves and access power in our society to reeducate people about how gender stereotyoing fails men who are victims of assault.

      Or it could be that this is mostly about lashing out at women for having the nerve to object to deeply rooted cultural misogyny. Your guess is as good as mine.

  • http://profile.typepad.com/6p00e55366ef348834 Tessa

    I’ve always thought it was ridiculous that women are the ones expected “not to go out at night”, “not to walk in certain sections of town”, “don’t go alone”, etc. Men are the ones who apparently can’t control themselves, if anyone should be locked inside, put on curfews, they are the ones who shouldn’t be allowed at night. Shame about the innocent ones being punished but that’s exactly what women are – punished for simply being women and they aren’t even doing anything wrong.

    • Ty

      Eh, men make up the vast majority of crime victims of every crime category except rape. Is that something to be ignored? Don’t act like going out at night is only unsafe for women.

    • meg

      This is an article about one very particular, extraordinarily violent (psychologically if not always physically) crime. What do the demographics of others have to do with anything?

    • Sorien

      It’s called “special pleading”. Look it up.

    • McGauth925

      I think that most men already know that, very clearly. It’s facile to say there wouldn’t be any rapes if that were true, but it also might mean than more than 1 in 60 men would be rapists, were it not true.

      I’ll never like it thst women can’t find the rapists, so they feel the need to chastise all men, as though we’re all guilty. They have to yell at somebody, so men, in general, will have to do. Shoot ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000059419448 John Green

    “Bitch” is a word that has no male counterpoint by definition. It is one of the tools the misogynist uses to shut women up. Never doubt that is what they want to do.

    • Byron

      Actually, men call other men “bitch” all the time. It’s not new even. The term has become unisex.

    • Kai

      What men do you hang around with?

    • LoveyDovey

      The connotations are still sexist. It’s an insult meant to compare the target to a woman, and it’s understood in that context to be a bad thing.

    • McGauth925

      Right. You can say that it’s about misogyny, and you can also say that the punishment for transgressing the male gender role is harsher. Men are harsher and more violent towards other men. We’ve been taught to use one interpretation, when the other is just as valid.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shane-Simmons/100000053744641 Shane Simmons

      It’s still sexist? And here I’ve been using it unisex. What a gyp!

    • Ashley

      When a man calls another man a bitch, it is used as an insult. He is being criticized for acting “womanly,” which is unacceptable and shameful. Because feminine traits are just the worst, amirite? It’s still based in misogyny.

    • McGauth925

      Try dick, bastard, and creep. Creep seems to be a catch-all phrase that women use to describe men they’re not attracted to, who ARE attracted to those women.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shane-Simmons/100000053744641 Shane Simmons

      Bastard stands for a person who is conceived out of wedlock and has traditionally been used a a pejorative, sometimes historically against the person conceived out of wedlock.

  • Kai

    Why do you see talking to boys about what not to do and talking to girls about how avoid being done to as mutually exclusive concepts?

    • LoveyDovey

      You just refuse to actually think about what people are trying to tell you, aren’t you?

    • Kai

      How is this anything other than two separate concepts being presented as an either-or situation? I understand why people want to concentrate on the perpetrator side, since that has too long been neglected, but I simply fail to see why people think only one can be considered at once.

    • LoveyDovey

      Do you really have NO idea how you come across when you advocate a “doing X and Y will prevent Z” standpoint? Do you not realize how horrible you sound when you advocate putting a rape victim up as a cautionary tale? Are you seriously so sheltered from the world that you don’t seem to care about how your words hurt rape victims? How many times do I have to repeat myself before you’ll actually THINK about what I and others have been trying to say?

      You keep framing it in a specific way that still invites victim blaming and giving rapists wiggle room while at the same time ignoring the many other ways that women are raped. Nobody is saying we need to stop educating girls on ways to protect themselves. We’re saying that we need to stop phrasing it the way we have been that does nothing to address the underlying issues that fuels violence against women in the first place.

      We all already know all the usual rigamarole about watching our drinks in bars, not accepting opened drinks from strangers, don’t drink too much, ad nauseum. Shit still happens, and continuing to harp on those specific things, especially after the fact, does more harm than good and does not change anything.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shane-Simmons/100000053744641 Shane Simmons

      We’ve been teaching kids to not commit crime and to be honest for millenia. And yet, we still have rapists, murderers, thieves, and liars.

  • http://www.8bitdad.com Zach Rosenberg

    I’d love to come up with some sort of counterpoint or stat or something to say “no no, we need to do _______ instead.” But I just don’t have one. It’s true: men need to have the conversation a lot more (and that’s an understatement) than they do. It needs to be a page in the fatherhood handbook. There needs to be some meaningful conversation from men to boys about respecting women, not using them as objects in any way, and not ever forcing themselves upon them.

    I mean, sure, we as a culture need to have other conversations as a group with both genders involved, but for sure, this needs to be a man-fueled, father-son thing.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I know you are on the same page Zach and I appreciate your opinions, and you and 8 bit dads!

  • Tea

    This is a bit hard to write, and is probably disjointed due to emotions being high in my posting but I hope the point comes across well. My name is Tea, and I don’t think that rape is just a problem of men preying upon women. I think the gender part should be stressed less, and but the critical components of Respect for others and the self, and consent be taught as openly as possible. I’m not trying to argue against you, because I think you have very good points, my plea is just to consider widening the scope of these talks, because you never know who might need it.

    Why? In high school I was sexually assaulted by another male, a student at my school and didn’t say a word for years. Why? Because I was ashamed, I felt used, I didn’t want to be called any homosexual slurs. Aside from the catholic church scandal a few years before, I didn’t even think of it as a thing that happened, especially from someone who to me didn’t seem “Gay enough” to do that (I was a homophobic little snot at the time, the Midwest does that to scared bisexual boys.) I didn’t understand why or how it happened, I thought I failed, in ways I still can’t really articulate.

    I’ve known women who were sexually abused by women, and men who were by men, and even one male-assigned-at-birth individual who was raped by a woman in college. This usually happens as children or teenagers. It happens for any gender combination, but same sex rape is very rarely if ever reported, and many victims also see themselves as having “deserved” it or see it as a consequence of their own “Mistakes”, and not the act of violence that it truly is. There is even less support in the world for same-sex and cross-sex abuse, especially if the abused is queer.

    I think both genders need to be educated consistently and at as young an age as they can understand about consent, respect, and knowing what’s not okay to have done to your body. Especially for young children of either gender, who don’t need the whole birds and the bees and “don’t rape drunk people” when they still play with legos, but do need to know what sort of contact is and isn’t okay, and that your body is very much your own, and that it’s okay to talk about things. A lot of the “method” these days seems to be “Girls, don’t do ____ or you’ll get raped” and all I know is even though I wasn’t a girl, I felt like I had failed at protecting myself, and needed to stay quiet in shame because I earned this. I can’t imagine how it is for women, hearing the lesson of avoidance their whole lives and not knowing how to cope if something does happen.

    Just saying ” Do not Rape.” won’t do any good, especially with violent cases and per-meditated planning that needs serious therapy and not just a lecture. I think almost everyone in theory knows that it’s bad, and probably equates that with “Don’t violently rape a woman” but it’s not so often stressed that taking advantage of someone who is drunk or impaired isn’t okay. Consent needs to be stressed in school sexual education curriculum as well, for sexual education beyond just ” we assume you’re all straight, this is how a condom works, wait until marriage, now go to math class.” The closest exposure I ever got was in college, where it became painfully clear that very few people understood real consent or respect, as an anonymous sexual Q&A yielded some rather horrifying comments.

    I’m not trying to pull blame from men at all in my statements, more just stressing that this problem goes even deeper than some people are aware, and that everyone needs to be educated on both sides of the risk fence. And unfortunately, no matter how much we try, there will still be monsters out there, but we need to make it easier for victims to come forward, and give much more education on what real consent is.

    This has been a Tea tangent, and now I feel I really need a stiff drink. I hope it was coherent.

    • LoveyDovey

      Thank you for having the strength to share that. We need people from all walks of life who have been through this to speak up. I hope you’re doing well on your path to healing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique Véronique Houde

      Wow! So gracefully put! Thank you for this, you were able to put into words what I was also thinking.

    • LiteBrite

      Your “Tea tangent” was very coherent, and you said much of what I actually planned to say.

      To me, rape is not a “man problem” but rather a PEOPLE problem. As you articulately pointed out, men don’t just prey on women. It’s not just a matter of having respect for women; it’s a matter of having respect for other people. That’s the essence of what we are trying to teach our son.

      Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story and your thoughts.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      You made me cry :( Thank you for sharing this.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Judy-Block-Jones/1065937918 Judy Block-Jones

      Tea, thank you so much for bringing this to the discussion. NO ONE deserves to be raped. whether is be a female or a male. I know of many, many young boys who have been raped by catholic priests and nuns. It is devastating for them..And rape is considered anything that crosses the line into being sexual.

      When it comes to rape, it is not so much about sex….It is more about abuse of power. and that is what we see in these football players, they have been put on such a high pedestal that they feel it is their right to do whatever.and they will not get caught.

      Rape to a females or a males is about POWER…

      tks, Judy Jones, SNAP

    • McGauth925

      That’s the feminist interpretation, which is now coming into question. There are people who know more about it than you and I, and some of them are saying it IS about sex, because it’s mostly young men doing the raping, and mostly young women being raped. People are telling us that rape is fairly common in the animal kingdom, while we all thought it was caused by historical mistake where men came to need to have power and control over women. People are saying it’s more often low status men who rape women that they would never have access to by any other method. And, theh’re saying it’s not so much some kind of aberration, but a strategy that has worked forever for low status males. So, there’s more to it than the common notion that men have been taught that they should have power over women.

    • Leigha7

      I think you’re right about needing to teach children about boundaries from a young age. We now usually teach them to tell an adult if someone touches them inappropriately (or at least, they taught us that in school when I was young), but we don’t put forth much effort toward teaching children to develop their own personal boundaries beyond that–in fact, in some instances, we actively discourage them from doing so. How many times have you seen a parent force a child to hug/be hugged by someone (grandparent, aunt, uncle, family friend) they just plain didn’t want to hug? It happens fairly frequently, and while I understand that you feel they should hug this trusted person, and that it would offend the adult if the child were to refuse to do so, shouldn’t you be respecting their right to bodily autonomy and telling them they never have to hug someone if they don’t want to?

      I think if children were taught from the beginning that they don’t have to engage in any sort of unwanted physical contact (barring certain circumstances, of course, such as going to the doctor) AND that they should never force anyone else to do so either, it would help some. At the very least, it might lessen the number of not-entirely-intentional-per-se rapes, where the person knows what they’re doing but manages to convince themselves it isn’t wrong.

      I don’t think there’s anything we can do about the sociopaths who intentionally set out to rape people just for the heck of it. Some people just want to watch the world burn, as they say, and they are those people.

    • MCR

      Thank you so much for sharing this. The original post was spot on, but your “tangent” is also.

    • Audra Walton

      <3

  • meg

    THIS x 100000

  • lin

    Very well said! My son is only 5, but I am already teaching him to never do something to a person if they say “no”. If he tries to hug a friend and they say “no”, or even just backs away, he must stop. I make a big deal about it being their body, and once they have said “no” he needs to take his hands off. A little young for a talk about rape, but laying the foundations of respect for others and boundaries.

    • Justme

      I do the same with my daughter….if she doesn’t want to give out hugs or kisses I don’t force her because she needs to understand that her NO has power.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I agree with both you and Lin, I do the same thing. My ten year old came home before break and said “MOM! I kissed my friend who is a girl on the cheek! I ran up and kissed her!” and we had a talk about drive-by kissing and how he should never ever do that without permission and then he said “But it’s Christmas!” and I felt like a jerk :( But now he knows better.

  • Tinyfaeri

    I agree with every word in this post.

  • http://www.makingloveinthemicrowave.com/ Aja Jackson

    I 100% agree that the focus needs to be shifted toward rapists. No one should get raped no matter what their behavior. However I don’t understand why that negates the importance of talking to girls about safety. I think that you’ve equated having that conversation with rape shaming in this article and those are two different things. Unfortunately, there are rapists. They exist. I’m not saying to tell your daughters “Don’t wear a short skirt or you’ll get yourself raped,” but teaching general safety–stay with a group, don’t invite strange men back to your apt, trust your intuition when you feel like a situation is unsafe– isn’t shaming, its trying to equip your girls with safety tools much in the same way that I teach my son about private parts, not talking to strangers etc. If he were, after all of that, to be god forbid sexually abused by a stranger, I wouldn’t say “See I told you not to talk to strangers,” but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to teach him about it. No one deserves to be robbed at gunpoint either, but it doesn’t mean I would tell you to walk into the worst part of town carrying $1200 cash in your hand. A crime, rape or otherwise, is always the fault of the person committing it, never the fault of the victim, but it doesn’t mean that understanding your personal safety is unimportant.

    • tes

      I’m surprised to see thumbs down on this post…of course we should still teach about personal safety! It’s not about restricting anyone’s freedom, it’s about learning to use common sense and avoiding potentially dangerous situations. All the education in the world may help REDUCE rape and other crimes, but it won’t make it disappear.

    • chisaineko

      I think the thumbs down are because this comment asserts that the author wants us to stop educating women about safety in favor of educating men about not raping, which is not the point at all. Of course we do still need to teach about safety, but we need to ADD conversations about not raping because our culture spends way too much time acting like the ONLY way to avoid a rape is for women to “be safe,” which is one way of blaming women for being raped.

    • McGauth925

      I Don’t buy it. I don’t think men rape women because they don’t understand how wrong and harmful it is. I just read that 1 in 60 ,men rape women, and I have no idea how they came up with that number. But, if it’s true, it doesn’t make sense to me that 59 guys get the message, and 1 doesn ‘t.

      But, making it clear to young children will make things better between men and women. Not all unwanted intimacy is about rape.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shane-Simmons/100000053744641 Shane Simmons

      “It’s over. Everyone, it is OVER. We are done having the conversation about how we can prevent our daughters from getting raped.”

      How did anyone get confused? I just don’t know. And it’s a mindset growing in prevalence, too. I saw on BoingBoing a while back where a Kickstarter project was trying to raise funds to teach self-defense to women, and it was one of the sentiments expressed by incredulous readers.

      The thing is…*sigh*…we teach kids that murder is wrong. We teach them that stealing is wrong. That lying is wrong. And yet, people still lie, steal, and murder. Why would rape be different? It’s a more personal, tragic crime, but it’s yet another crime. As cruel as the laws of Deuteronomy are, Judaism has had laws pertaining to rape for nearly 3600 years, and there have been scandals where rabbis in Israel have tried to cover up child molestation cases.

      I hope this doesn’t sound like mansplaining. I’ve been having this kick around in my head for a while, and it’s really bothered me. This is the first I’ve been able to articulate it, the way I’ve wanted to. As much as I’d like to say that fathers are responsible to teach their boys to not rape, I’m going to make sure that when my daughters are old enough to date, they know some basic pressure points and have some pepper spray handy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/dchebert Denise Hebert

      “A crime, rape or otherwise, is always the fault of the person committing it, never the fault of the victim,” While this is true… SO many times, when it comes to rape, there is very much a blame the victim “thing” that happens. Some times, it happens in the community. people of the same sex of the survivor (because trust me, if you’re raped, whether violent “stranger” or less violent “acquaintance” rape, it’s still something you survived) will try to come up with all of the reasons that “It can’t happen to me”. Then, if it goes to trial, it happens in the court as the defense does its job. Slut shaming happens. Blaming the victim happens. If someone breaks into your house and steals your stereo/TV/computer, no one thinks twice about what you should have done differently, except for you. If you’re raped… Almost everyone tries to think of how it can’t happen to them or someone they care about, so they look to the survivor, and what they’d had to drink, or where they were, or what they were wearing. Is it right? No way. but it happens. And it gets even worse when the rapist is someone that you know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Judy-Block-Jones/1065937918 Judy Block-Jones

    Great job Mommyish..

    This recently released video is despicable and disgusting, our hearts go out to the young girl and her family.

    Since these boys took nude photos of the young girl without her permission, and sent them over the internet, that might legally constitute child porn. We hope federal law enforcement will consider getting involved.

    Also, a lengthy New York Times story a couple of weeks ago provides chilling details about the rape of a girl and the inadequate response to that crime by Steubenville school officials.

    After reading about this case, we cannot help but see some parallels between this situation and that which occurred at Penn State. Although the crimes are different, it is a fact of both cases that in each there is a definite mystique around the football program and a cult of personality surrounding the coach (Paterno at PSU, and Reno Saccoccia in Steubenville). In both cases, the love of football has prevented the proper investigation into the alleged rape and the punishment of those involved.

    We call on the school board to suspend Coach Saccoccia for his behavior. The fact that he has refused to take any real disciplinary steps towards the football players that either witnessed or in some way abetted the alleged rape is disturbing, and his treatment of the New York Times journalist who spoke to him about the case is frightening. His actions are indicative of someone who cares more about their win-loss record than about the young people they are supposed to be improving.

    We also urge the school board to examine the actions of Superintendent Michael McVey and Principal Shawn Crosier. We are disappointed that they left all disciplinary decisions up to Coach Saccoccia, and the fact that they failed to follow up with any of the students in attendance at the party where the alleged rape occurred is distressing. This sad case has all the tell tale signs of an attempted cover-up, and our hearts ache for the victim in this case who has been subjected to undue scrutiny and blame. We hope that the added attention on Steubenville High School will result in justice for the victim, repercussions for the alleged rapists, and accountability for Steubenville officials.

    Judy Jones, SNAP Midwest Associate Director, USA, 636-433-2511. snapjudy@gmail.com,
    “SNAP (The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) is the world’s oldest and largest support group for clergy abuse victims. SNAP was founded in 1988 and has more than 12,000 members. Despite the word priest in our title, we have members who were molested by religious figures of all denominations, including nuns, rabbis, bishops, teachers, Protestant ministers and increasingly, victims who were assaulted in a wide range of institutional settings like orphanages, summer camps, athletic programs, Boy Scouts, etc.”

  • trac ingr

    Well, as lomg as you believe in the LIBERAL application of he first ammendment and the extreme CONSERVATIVE application and even DENIAL of the second ammendment, this will continue
    These kids watched any movie, game, pron they wanted to, and thats how they developed their world view.
    I doubt the parents TAUGHT them to rape and be violent and non caring and unhuman, but im sure the protected speech of hollywood, game makers and the internet had some effect.

    As long as that is allowed to continue unfettered, this type of behaviour will persist, and as long as it does, I would use the second ammendment to protect yourself from the outcomes of the first

  • dee

    We should be teaching our children collectively to be good people who respect the boundaries of others so they grow into adults that respect the boundaries of women, men, and children.

    • Altair

      Silly Dee, don’t you know that women never do bad things and men are never victims?

      Sarcasm aside, I agree, women do bad things all the time, they victimize children and men, but that’s never talked about.
      Violence and rape is a human problem, and should be dealt with as such.

  • Ian

    This post is ludicrous. No one says “we should educate people not to kill”, because the sad unfortunate fact is we live in the REAL world where people will still kill no matter how much you tell them “Don’t Do it”, for a variety of different reasons. Same with Rape. the discussion is NOT over. This girl absolutely did NOT deserve to be raped, but she got drunk & passed out at a party full of young drunk men who, obviously met the criteria for being rapists, despite the fact there were probably NO outward signs of this threat. She should have NEVER put herself in this situation in the first place. It’s just common sense.

    • CMJ

      VICTIM BLAMER.

    • Ian

      If she chose to drink heavily to the point of unconsciousness with a group of drunken men she deserves the blame of making poor choices. Any Denial of this fact is complete lunacy.

      If a tough guy black belt dude decides to walk thru Central Park in NYC at 2am, knowing how dangerous it is because it’s his “right” to go anywhere he wants & do anything he wants, it’s partially HIS fault when he gets jumped & beaten/murdered by a group of thugs for stupidly putting himself into that situation.

    • CMJ

      We all make poor choices sometimes. It doesn’t mean we deserve to be raped or to be blamed for being raped. Or murdered. Or robbed. By your logic, anything that we poor choice we might makes someone partially to blame if something bad happens to us.

      The funny thing is, I would never believe that it is even partially your “black belt dude’s” fault to get beaten. Just like I don’t believe a woman is ever to blame for being raped.

      And for the record, no amount of good parenting, self-esteem, confidence, can prevent me from being raped. The discussion never stops with women. WE KNOW about the dangers because they have been ingrained in us since we were younger. This article doesn’t suggest that we don’t talk to the women/girls of this world about rape and general safety..it suggests we make sure the men/boys are part of the discussion as well. Let’s make sure it’s ingrained in their heads too.

    • Anne Cordelia

      YOU’RE ludicrous for writing somthing so incredibly wrong-headed. Here’s what’s common sense; it is never okay to blame the victim. NEVER.

    • Maggie

      You fucking suck, dude. Victim blaming at its’ worst. I seriously hope you don’t have a daughter.

    • Ian

      My daughter will be raised to respect herself, and know that putting herself into dangerous situations is unacceptable, because she will have high self esteem, confidence, and all the love & good parenting possible from a strong Father.

      She will also learn Gracie JiuJitsu (from me) and Marine LINE CombativesTraining (from her Uncle) from the moment she can walk.

    • angela tsames

      All that still won’t stop someone from DRUGGING you deliberately. It won’t stop a gang of someone’s to decide to take away your humanity, They do what they want, don’t care, and get away with it.

      There are so many unreported rapes, because the perps know how to get away with it. They leave no evidence and choose vulnerable victims.

    • whiteroses

      I have extensive knowledge of krav maga and capoiera. I’ve also been taking kickboxing lessons since I was young. My father, a former army colonel, taught me to respect myself. He loved me with all he was worth and still does. I was his princess.

      That didn’t stop one of my college boyfriends from beating the shit out of me. It didn’t stop him from cornering me in my dorm room and cutting off my hair (which had been waist length) with a razor. I beat his ass, but he outweighed me by nearly 70 pounds, so there wasn’t much I could do.
      A friend of mine has a black belt in karate. She’s the oldest of four, and she has a very strong sense of self. She was walking home from work one night and four guys dragged her into an alley. They beat her, raped her, and left her for dead. She didn’t “put herself in a dangerous situation”. She was walking home from work. The street where she lives is well-lit and it’s in a nice neighborhood. She’d walked on that route dozens of times before. She managed to break one of her rapist’s nose and the other ones jaw. But they still raped her. Her black belt saved her life, but it didn’t prevent her rape, because when you have a 95 pound woman against four men, there’s not a hell of a lot you can do.
      This misconception that women who get raped don’t have fathers who love them? Wrong. So incredibly, utterly wrong. The point we’re trying to make here is that rape won’t go away until we stop 1) blaming the victim and 2) making sure that everyone knows we won’t put up with it.

    • Justme

      My daddy loved me too (still does, in fact) but I still ended up in the same situation as you did in college. Six holes punched in my wall and my six foot volleyball playing body thrown across the room. And the thing is, I fell into the very same trap that Ian’s daughter is liable to do. I shamed MYSELF. I should be BETTER than this. I was raised to be a BETTER woman. How could I have done this to myself? And because I was ashamed that I (being a GOOD girl) had fallen into such an abusive relationship, I DIDN’T TELL ANYONE until there were holes in my wall and a restraining order filed.

    • Justme

      Oh Ian. My father did the very same thing – made sure I knew that I was loved, beautiful, smart, capable and worthy.

      But guess what? I still liked the taste of alcohol and hanging out with boys when I was a teenager.

      There’s a good chance that your daughter will like those very same things. And all it takes is one little pill slipped into a drink and that’s YOUR daughter in the picture.

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  • el barto

    DRINK MY SEMEN, FUCKING REDNECKS

  • Archy

    “I do realize that on rare occasions there are women rapists, but statistically, the facts are that more men commit rapes then women commit rapes. So we won’t be having the discussion about how to keep our daughters from becoming rapists. I will be happy to have this discussion when groups of six women and girls brutally rape a man with a steel pipe.”

    20% of rapists being female is not rare. And you do realize that the effects of rape of a single person, even in a non-physically violent in the sense of hitting/punching but just coersion or taking advantage of those whom are unconscious can have very devastating effects on victims, both male n female.

    The recent CDC stats showed in a one year period alone that 1.1% of both men n women were raped, that 79.2% of the male victims reported a female rapist, by their estimates in the US it was about 950,000 men raped by women in a one year period alone (when you include forced to penetrate as rape which is not considered rape by the CDC stats but the numbers are there, table 2.1 in the CDC NISVS 2010 onwards and basically pages 18 to 25 contain the data).

    So a million men raped by women in a year estimated and we shouldn’t be teaching our daughters to stop becoming rapists? Umm rape affects both genders considerably, this myth of female rapists being so rare only allows more n more female rapists to operate untouched leaving millions of men as victims. It does not help to have people both be ignorant of the stats and then to write such foolish words to dismiss female on male rape. Using who gets harmed more as a way to ignore the other is as stupid as us only focusing on male victims of murder and ignoring female victims because 4-6x more men die from violence worldwide (2004 W.H.O statistics).

    Do you not understand that posts like these actually contribute to the culture of harm that male victims face? It minimizes and dismisses their experiences, their vulnerability in favour of protecting women when we should be protecting both genders, telling BOTH genders not to rape. Men can not stop all rape, a large portion of rape that regularly is ignored needs to be addressed, we need to tell our sons and daughters to respect consent, don’t rape, don’t abuse. Dismissing male victims and female perpetrators only contributes to rape culture, failing to have the very important conversation with our daughters and only targeting our sons to stop rape is nothing short of sexist and quite frankly is pretty hypocritical.

  • McGauth925

    Rapists are almost always men. That’s what makes it a man’s issue.

    I think the problem I have with that is, most men believe it’s a rapist’s issue. We don’t feel responsible for what we don’t do, and don’t advocate.

    Some women tell us it’s up to men to change it. But, how many women feel responsible for the crimes of other women? Women commit 2/3 of non-sexual child abuse; are other women, who don’t abuse children, responsible for those women? How many women are out there, wearing t-shirts saying, “Real women don’t abuse children”, and organizing to work against child abuse?

    And, I think women can tell us it’s OUR issue forever, but that that’s not going to motivate the majority of men to start taking action. So, it starts to look like this notion makes women feel better, but doesn’t lead to any other change.

    • Altair

      That’s an excellent point. It’s a rapist’s issue. Most men are not rapists, just as most women are not child abusers.

      The point of these campaigns is to try to shame men into feeling responsible for things they didn’t do and don’t do, in order to put pressure and control on them.

      Why aren’t women considered responsible for bad things other women do? Why aren’t men considered responsible for good things other men do? Following mommyish logic, science is a man problem, since men discovered gravity, relativity, penicillin, performed the first heart transplant and invented the car, the plane and the lightbulb.

      This is all about shame and control, and it will work until men refuse to bear the responsibility for things they didn’t do.

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  • Kady

    Of COURSE no one “deserves” to be raped, this is why there are laws against it. And yet, rape happens, so why would you NOT teach your daughter to do her darndest not to entice a perpetrator by her appearnace or behavior? We do other things to prevent ourselves from being the victim of bodily harm. She could have suffered medical trauma or even died from getting so drunk, let alone raped. If that happened who would be to blame? The parents, the homeowners?

  • Justsayin

    Especially talk to your high-testosterone boys…it’s always the jocks who commit these crimes. Can’t recall hearing about a chess team gang-raping at a drunken chess tournament.

  • Justsayin

    If you raise a boy to respect himself, others, and the law, you will be sending him in a better direction than just telling him to keep it in his pants and tattle on his buddies that don’t.

    • Makabit

      ‘Tattle’? Is that your cute term for ‘report felony to the cops’?

  • Justsayin

    It’s a problem for both men and women. However, I think it’s counterintuitive not to approach it from both sides. I highly doubt anyone would say to their daughters, Now go out and have fun, but don’t drink too much or leave your friends. But if you DO drink too much and someone takes advantage of, or hurts you, don’t worry about looking like you caused it. You are just a helpless girl who couldn’t possibly do anything to prevent these sorts of crimes – that’s the boys problem….Talk about un-empowering women….

  • http://idealistmom.com/ Kelly

    Thank you for this.

    This has been a difficult story to watch unfold, and I’m still trying to make sense of it as a mother of a 5-year-old girl and another girl on the way. I recently wrote a blog post on how I’m responding to it at home with my girl, but it just never feels like enough. But this was an important reminder for me to come across – it’s NOT the woman’s fault. Ever. Ever. Ever.

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  • Nikoloz

    “Nobody should have their house robbed. It’s not my fault if I leave the windows open, society should just teach our children not to rob houses!” This is what you Feminists sounds like.