The holiday season is upon us, so it’s time to break out the ol’ holiday submissions, STFUP-style. After all, while children are nestled all snug in their beds with visions of sugar-plums dancing in their heads, parents are often posting on Facebook. So curl up with a mug of Bailey’s or perhaps a roll of cookie dough, and check out my Christmas list of six faux pas to avoid posting this holiday season:
1. The Mom With The Elf On The Shelf
Last year it was much more in vogue to be pro-EOTS* than anti-EOTS (*Elf On The Shelf, duh), but this year the consensus is decidedly the opposite. Trend pieces about how much people hate that rascally, ever-limber holiday mascot have been mischievously appearing everywhere, and many parents have thankfully refrained from posting (or, at least, over-posting) about their various Elf On The Shelf “adventures.” Or maybe they’ve all just flocked to Pinterest this year; I’m not sure. One thing I do know: It doesn’t get more 2012 than this picture of an Elf On The Shelf holding a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. *shudder*
2. The Mom With The Amazon List(s)
OK, parents-who-give-their-children-Apple-products, we get it: Your kid LOVES technology! But, enough now please. It’s been nearly three years since the iPad’s initial release, and as it turns out, ALL kids love iPads. It took a while for every single child in the America to stick his or her sticky little fingers on an iPad for us to be sure, but now that we know they all love them, can we retire the updates that imply that certain children “need” or deserve an iPad more than others? Love does not equal need. If it did, I would have a washer/dryer in my apartment.
3. The MommyJacker
“Goodness, that can’t be right! Little Grace celebrating a birthday so soon? What a big girl! How will you ever prepare for it with Christmas just around the corner?!” — things that no sane person would actually say in response to Laura’s mommyjacking
4. The Mom Who Brags About Getting Christmas Stuff Done Early
Amy, forgive me for saying this because I do not know you, but girl, u crazy. Amanda wrote her update on December FIFTH, which is a perfectly acceptable time to be decorating and purchasing holiday gifts, but you just had to swoop in with your condescending quips and your gloomy predictions. “Good luck buying lights, a tree, tinsel, wreaths, poinsettias, cookie dough, chocolate chips, marshmallows, OR seasonal socks! They are out of them everywhere already!” Gimme a break.
5. The Mom Who Celebrates Christmas With Poop
Every year, I post at least one (if not three or four) “Christmas poo” submissions on STFU, Parents. They’ve become such a holiday staple that it isn’t truly Christmas until I’ve read about some child who’s been naughty or nice in the shit department. In the case of this little girl, something tells me Santa will be bringing her lots of presents after overcoming, as Amy says, a “loooooong struggle” with potty training, which is great. But I’m not sure that I needed to know.
6. This Chick
Last but not least, if you take the holidays as an opportunity to post about whether or not you’re pregnant, don’t do it like this. I have no idea why Suzanne posted this picture with that caption, but it doesn’t bode well for the future, and it certainly doesn’t resemble “holiday cheer.” This season, eat, drink, and be merry — and rather than address the haters, try simply ignoring them.
Happy Holidays, everyone!