Unbearable: Not Every Infertility Story Has A Happy Ending

the end

Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

This week, I sat in my doctor’s office to get the results of some recent tests. I went into the office expecting to hear about the next expensive procedure we needed to do. I was prepared for her to tell me that I needed to go to the fertility specialist, instead of trying to trick my insurance by treating my infertility issues through my ob-gyn. I was expecting the same thing I’ve always found while struggling with infertility: a little bad news and a plan of attack.

Instead, my doctor grabbed my hand and slowly began to shake her head. The words started tumbling from her mouth. They were kind and gentle. It included lots of “Sorry” and offers of help if I wanted to look into adoption. I tried to thank her as I struggled to hold back my sobs. Tears were streaming from my eyes, but I really didn’t want to fall apart until I made it into my car.

This week, I found out that I will never get pregnant again. After two and a half years of trying and hoping, my struggle is over. Yes, there are revolutionary procedures being performed by just a few doctors in the country. I could travel to a bigger city and pay the equivalent of my mortgage to repair my broken reproductive system. But that isn’t going to happen.

Most often, we hear about the infertility stories that have a happy ending. People share all the hard work and stress that went in to getting pregnant after they have a beautiful baby to show for it. The sad fact of the matter is that not every infertility story has a happy ending. Some people hang in limbo, trying over and over again with no success, for all of their childbearing years. And some doors snap shut at the age of 27, before other women have even considered having children. Turns out, I’m one of the unhappily ever after cases.

To be honest, I feel like I am in mourning for those possible children that I desperately wanted to have. I feel like I have lost a loved one. Just because I didn’t know them yet doesn’t change that. Like any person struggling with grief, I think it will take time for me to accept the situation and attempt to move on.

Let’s be real. There’s a lot of crying going on in my home right now. I’m crying over the prenatal vitamin that I no longer need to take every morning. I’m crying over this stupid extra stocking that I’m never going to need, but probably never going to throw away. I’m crying every time a loved one stops over and tells me that there are other ways to have children and that I should really consider adoption.

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    • TheHappyPappy

      Just to clear up some major fallacies being perpetrated in the comments below; Adopting from foster care does NOT cost outrageous amounts of money, nor does it take years. It’s only if you’re obsessed with having a cute little baby that you have to wait years or pay through the nose. There are MANY families who have adopted 10+ kids from foster care and they are not rich, nor did they wait years. Adoption from foster care is a better choice than fertility treatments, for the children and society and I believe (if you’re not completely self-obsessed) for the parents. And, no, I haven’t adopted yet. As an unemployed, unmarried student without a proper career, I wouldn’t qualify. That doesn’t invalidate the facts, or my opinion.

      • BigBlue

        But adopting from foster care is not all sunshine and roses. Many of those children have serious issues from their previous lives that not everyone is equipped to deal with. My husband has worked with foster kids for many years, and lots of them are violent and dangerous, especially the teenagers. So please try to reserve your judgment.

      • Jade

        Sorry, I just – what exactly is wrong with wanting a baby? I don’t have one (adopted or biological) but I can certainly understand why you would want to cuddle a baby as opposed to a seven year old, for instance. Seven year olds can be mean, babies are just cute lil things.

      • whiteroses

        If you’re not a parent (are you?) then you could not possibly begin to understand the time, effort, energy, emotion, work and pain that goes into successfully raising a child. If someone’s not ready for it, then they shouldn’t do it. And she’s not selfish for not wanting to adopt.

    • katydid0605

      Lindsey, I have been following your story a while now, and my eyes welled up for you. I wish I could give you the reproductive systems im done using, or do SOMETHING meaningful. you seem like such a kind, caring, wonderful person and your daughter is very lucky to be showered in your love. My thoughts and prayers (if your into that) will be with you this holiday season.
      Internet love,
      Kate

    • EozS

      I’m sorry for your pain but come on, you have a daughter and there are many options available to you to have more children. Crying over this seems incredibly selfish when there are people dead/dying every day, people who have never had a child or lost their children, children starving to death every day and many children in foster care needing homes, and there are 7 billion people in the world. Do we really need to make more?

      • BigBlue

        Your argument makes no sense. People die every day so she can’t grieve after hearing devastating news? So according to your logic, when my grandma dies the whole family should just say “eh” and go on about our business. Thanks for enlightening the internet!

      • EozS

        No, but if your grandma died before you were born, it would be rather stupid to write a whole sob story about how you miss her, wouldn’t it? Especially if you had another loving grandma.

      • BigBlue

        You can’t be serious.

      • EozS

        Sounds crazy when you see it laid out that way, huh

      • BigBlue

        Exactly. Everything you’ve said here sounds crazy. At least you admit it.

      • EozS

        Indeed, I never claimed sanity. Just that I’m right. And I’m always right.

      • whiteroses

        She’s allowed to grieve. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry your child (or the possibility of your child) died, but hey, there are a ton of other ones out there, so why not just pick up another one?’ Really? It’s not like they sell children at Wal-Mart. And speaking as a woman who recently gave birth, no, we probably don’t “need to make more”. But that doesn’t mean she can’t mourn over what she can’t have right now after she’s been trying for years.
        I mean, heck, a woman who’s just lost her husband doesn’t deserve to whine about it, because there are billions of other men out there, right? She can just go and marry another one. No complications there.
        Your argument makes about as much sense.

      • EozS

        Both of your examples (loss of child/husband) are inappropriate here because they involve actual people, human beings, who died. No, this is as silly as mourning the death of a husband you never had because you were never married. Actually, it’s like being married, and mourning that you can’t have a second husband in addition to the one you already have.

        And since you recognize that the world is overpopulated, why did you have kids, anyway? I hope you have maximum two of them.

      • whiteroses

        Not kids. Kid. Singular. And yes, she is allowed to mourn the possibility of a life that she might have had, that she never got the chance to experience. I have an older friend who recently discovered that her childhood sweetheart died. She is married happily and has been for forty years, but she still mourns the other man, because if the circumstances were different they would have married. She’s earned that right, just like Lindsay has. If you’ve never felt sad or mourned your “what ifs” then please tell me your secret.

        As for me, I was told by four different doctors that I would never be able to have children. When my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant, we viewed my son’s birth as a miracle. And we still do. If and when it comes down to it, who decides how many human beings we can and should take out of existence? You? China’s done their version of population control for years and it hasn’t worked, so how would it work anywhere else? Twins run in my family, so say my next pregnancy is a multiple birth. How on God’s earth are my husband and I- successful professionals who recycle, are not overweight, and have never been on assistance of any kind- supposed to pick which child we keep so we can stay in the requisite two? We don’t consume more resources than we should, so that’s not even part of the argument.

        My husband is the oldest of four. Thus far, my son has two cousins. This means that if some random plague wiped out every single member of my husband’s family except for those under the age of ten, the family would total three. Conversely, I am the youngest of four cousins. If the same plague attacked my family, there would be eight members of my family left, taking away a sixteen year old and eight adults. It answers the population question- but who takes care of the three members of the family under the age of three? The nine year old? Either way, both scenarios leave a deficit no matter how you look at it.

        But that notwithstanding- those who are suggesting she’s selfish because of the world’s overpopulation issues aren’t making their arguments any better by cloaking them with science.

      • EozS

        I am glad you only have one kid (so far?)! Sure, she can mourn it, but this post seems to be taking it a BIT too far. I’ve known people who have experienced actual loss who have whined less than this.

        Your friend’s childhood sweetheart was an ACTUAL PERSON. Not an imaginary person that never existed!

        I have felt sadness over “what ifs” but not this much. Not even close. Not even this much for real reasons to be sad about. I guess my secret is that, if you’re starting to get very upset over something, tell yourself that you’re wrong and weak for being that emotional, and then just stop being that emotional.

        Re resources, sorry, but are you under the impression that the planet is doing super awesome right now? That there’s enough resources to go around and always will be? That we haven’t probably reached peak oil? I’m not saying to abort if you get pregnant with twins. But people would do well to give a little more thought to whether they really should have that third child.

        I am not sure what you were getting at regarding the plague stuff. You know we’ve already surpassed 7 billion with 8 billion predicted in a little over 10 years, right?

      • EozS

        I guess what it comes down to for me: she already has a kid. No one died. She can have more kids if she wants to. She is a privileged white person living in a developed country with access to food and medical care. I really don’t think she has anything to complain about other.

      • whiteroses

        What I’m saying about the plague stuff is that overpopulation, while a legitimate concern, doesn’t address the issue of children that already exist. And that of people who don’t want to abort or adopt for whatever reason. I would also argue that women who have as many children as they want and live frugally don’t consume as many resources as, say, a billionaire with seven homes and his own private jet. I don’t see a friend of mine who has two sets of twins using as much resources as some other people I know who drive everywhere, don’t recycle, and eat out at every opportunity.

        I sincerely hope that you’re not a parent- if emotion “makes you weak”, then I shudder to think about the type of children you might raise. And if you’re so worried about overpopulation and resource allocation, I hope you never have children.

        Having said all that, my part in this conversation is over. I have to go take care of my little resource siphon :).

      • EozS

        “doesn’t address the issue of children that already exist.” – Right-o! This lady’s “kid” doesn’t already exist. The ones that already do, well, they are here. But, no, with few exceptions, a human being living frugally still consumes a ridiculous amount of resources, and produces a ridiculous amount of waste, just by existing for 70-plus years.

        Oh heavens no, I am not a parent, and no, I will not have children (in part because I don’t want to, but also because I don’t need to make more human beings). Should I ever be struck to mother something that isn’t a pet, I would adopt an older kid. But I don’t really expect that to happen because I would become significantly less awesome if it did. That said, my parents raised me to not emote all over the place like a baby, and I think I’m better off. Highly emotional people – like our dear blog writer who is crying more over loss of fertility (when she already has a kid) than some people who actually lose actual living children – don’t seem to have it too good. I wonder if she cries when she’s out of milk? Oh, but the glass of milk that COULD have been! There’s chocolate milk, but that’s not good enough!

      • BigBlue

        Let it go. This EozS person is obviously a troll. Not worth your time.

      • EozS

        I’m not a troll. You’re just wrong.

      • Valeri Jones

        No, she’s not wrong. You’re just a bitch.

      • EozS

        Well, the latter part of your three-months-too-late comment is correct!

      • whiteroses

        Pretty much. Anyone who believes they’re “always right” isn’t worth the time it takes to dispute that. Most sane people know that’s not the truth.
        And in any case- however many child I have, choose to have, or don’t have is nobody’s business, certainly not some random stranger on the Internet. I admire and applaud Lindsay for having the guts to be so open with her struggle. I couldn’t do it.

      • Valeri Jones

        I have found myself turning into one of these low-lifes who cuss on here all the time and I hate that. But I just can’t help myself with some of the insensitivity that is being splattered all over the comments section. I told someone earlier that they belonged at The Stir. I would almost say the same for this EozS person, but s/he doesn’t even have/want kids so what the hell are they doing here?!?!?!

      • EozS

        A friend of mine who was unable to conceive any children at all and instead adopted a child whom she loves forwarded the link to me, incredulous that someone could complain so much about only being able to have one child. Then I just felt like crashing the pity party in the comments :P

      • whiteroses

        So I take it you’re looking for congratulations for being a terrible human being? Golf claps? A cookie?

    • Gravity322

      I am so, so sorry. All the best to you and your family during this painful time.

    • lyzl

      You are a lovely brave woman. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your posts about having a miscarriage helped me so much when I had my own. And whatever you do or decide, you are a wonderful parent and your daughter is lucky to have you, as is the internet.

    • BigBlue

      I’m so sorry you got such terrible news, especially around the holidays. I’m doubly sorry that you have to read such ignorant and selfish comments while you’re still dealing with this blow. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey with us. Sending you a big hug.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      *hugs*

    • quietsunshine

      Lindsay – I’m sorry about the awful news you received. It sucks, it really does. I appreciated your point of view as I am also someone experiencing secondary infertility. Your pain is palpable.

      To the negative people who have written – adoption is a wonderful choice, but it isn’t for everybody and the process can be very difficult , full of heartache and stress, and take a very long time.

      As for secondary infertility, these are my thoughts. I am thankful for my daughter everyday. I love her more than anything and I am so appreciative that I get to be her mother. It doesn’t mean that I don’t long for another kid. I am not going to say or even imply that secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility, but it does present its own set of challenges. In our case, if we have another child, there will be at least a 7 1/2 year age difference between them. They will never attend the same school and won’t even be at the same stage of life until well into adulthood. We get people asking us why we only have one child and when we’re going to give our daughter a sibling. I get to see friends of mine on kid number 3-4+ who started having kids after I did. I get to spend thousands of $$s on the hope that I’ll have a successful egg retrieval and a successful ICSI. You get to hear stories of people getting pregnant easily and then neglecting their children or worse. There is no rhyme and reason for infertility. It’s not a lesson in life to build character. It just is. It’s not fair and it’s not fair to shame Ms. Cross because you don’t think she has a valid enough excuse to grieve. Of course she does.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      Christ on a bike — I just read thru the comments, and I wish I hadn’t.

      I’m pro-adoption. I’m an adoptee. Adoption is pretty awesome. But shoving it in someone’s face when they’re trying to deal with news of the bad? Not awesome. *SMFH*

    • Guest

      As an adopted child, reading things like this horrifies and disgusts me. My parents went through years, thousands of dollars, and lots of heartache with fertility treatments, and of course, you are entitled to your grief, but,

      you are being selfish.

      The whole process of pregnancy, is minute compared to raising a child. The amount of time, energy, and love that comes from being a parent is so substantially more than the time, energy, and love that comes in being pregnant. Get a grip, if you want a child, there is hundreds of thousands across the world that already exist, and are completely capable of loving and adoring you as much as your ‘flesh and blood’ would.

      Do you want to be a parent or pregnant? Because there is certainly a difference.

      • BigBlue

        Your parents went through all that, and I guess they were tired afterwards. It’s the only explanation for why they failed to raise you with any manners or empathy.

      • Steph

        Honestly, the disgusting and selfish comments I’ve read from several (but not all!) adoptees, including you, aren’t really ringing endorsements for adoption. No wonder so many people don’t consider it.

      • EozS

        Maybe they just have a more temperate world view? Or are you seriously discouraging adoption because the resulting adults are less emotive than children who came out of the vagina of the woman that raised them?

      • Steph

        I’m saying the adoptees I’ve seen on this comment thread are disgusting a-holes. Are you actually trying to defend their horrible attitudes?

      • EozS

        Have you compared how many non-adoptees are being disgusting a-holes to how many adoptees are? Or is this just a “all blacks are criminals” type of argument based on all the black guys you see on the tv show Cops? Also, have you ever seen an anus that WASN’T disgusting? And lastly, have you tried seeing it from their point of view? The poster is entirely dismissive of adoption in her post. Yes, she’s grieving and isn’t thinking about that right now, bla bla bla, but to an adoptee it definitely reads like she wouldn’t consider adopting, ergo, an adopted child has less value than a biological one.

      • Makabit

        I’m certainly not going to defend yours. Really, you’re going to tell someone that because you don’t like what they’re saying, they’re a bad ‘endorsement for adoption’?

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Wow, Steph, you’re a judgmental bitch.

      • whiteroses

        As someone who has a family full of adoptees, they would be the first to tell you that adoption isn’t for everyone. They are thankful that adoption was for their parents, but they don’t sit back and criticize others who don’t want to do it. A cousin of mine who is an adoptee says it best. “I couldn’t do it, but I’m glad they did.” She’s allowed to grieve. And the fact that some of you are unable to give her that is not only sad and depressing but also shows how lacking you are in courtesy, decorousness, manners and compassion.

    • SF Nanny Circle

      I am an egg donor and it has been the most amazing feeling of my life. My hope is to one day be a surrogate to a woman like you. Are your eggs healthy enough for surrogacy or is that not an option?

      • LindsayCross

        That’s so kind! They are, and someday that might be an option to look into. Right now, I think we’re just working on accepting the current situation.

    • Nina

      Wait. What? Your daughter will be an ONLY child? Well that’s one more than I was able to have so spare us the self pity. It’s sad about your lost pregnancy and your tube but don’t expect us to sympathize too much while you put your daughter to bed every night and we have…nothing. Quit whining and count your blessings, you greedy, insensitive (to anyone’s pain but your own) bitch.

      • whiteroses

        Not greedy, or insensitive. Just shining a light on something very few people talk about. And methinks calling someone else you’ve never met a bitch is merely an example of why she did it in the first place. This isn’t the Suffering Olympics. Pain is pain, and if she feels it then she feels it. Yeah, she’s blessed with what she has. But you’re being just as insensitive- more so- as you claim she is by stomping on her. Like it, don’t like it, I don’t care. But I’ve said it, so maybe you’ll think about it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique Véronique Houde

        You would think that the people suffering from infertility would be the most compassionate women here. Instead, many of you insist on one-upping and shaming this woman. Is it so hard to activate your empathy? Or would that mean that you would have to open up emotions about yourselves that you don’t want to deal with? How has this become a board that is meant to shame people? Don’t people come here to get information, support, to feel like they’re a community? Sometimes I feel like we’re hard on teenagers for bullying, but adults can sometimes be so much worse…

    • Nina

      You deleted my comment. Can’t handle the truth? I dare you not to delete this one. You have no reason to whine. You have already borne a living, breathing child. Count your blessings, and see what’s right in front of you. It’s more than I and many others like me, will ever have. And you still have the opportunity to try to foster or adopt. Seriously, I sympathize for your lost fallopian and your ectopic pregnancy but if I could see you face to face I would bitchslap you and tell you to wake up and look at your blessed life. You disgust me. Delete me, don’t delete me, I don’t care. I’ve said it and hopefully you’ll think about it.

      • Andrea

        I think you might be crazy…

      • LindsayCross

        Just to be clear, I did not delete your first comment. It’s right underneath this one. Maybe it was momentarily spammed because you called a woman you don’t know, whose story you only read a very small part of, a bitch. Our spam filters don’t like curse words.

        As to your comments, I’m sorry, but I just won’t be arguing with you here. And if you really wanted me to consider your opinion, you wouldn’t deliver it by being rude, insensitive and offensive.

    • Kristina

      I’m sorry that she is not able to have another baby, but she is very lucky that she already has one healthy child. Some of us can’t get pregnant in the first place. I feel her pain, and understand her sadness, but coming from someone who can’t get pregnant in the first place, I would be happy with only one child if I was ever lucky enough to be blessed with that.

      • http://www.facebook.com/houde.veronique Véronique Houde

        You don’t know that. you can’t know how you would feel in any given situation without experiencing it yourself. Try to reserve judgement. It’s not because you perceive a situation to be “better” than your actual one that you would feel “better” about it. Feelings are not objective, quantifiable, nor are the comparable. Each one of us feels, and each feeling is different, valid and beautiful. This isn’t a proper opportunity to make yourself feel better by pushing someone else down. It isn’t the time to try to get validation by making comparisons.

    • You’re ridiculous

      You already have a kid, but I didn’t see you mention her at all until the end. Is she really so insignificant, that you overlook the fact you have HER and whine because you want more? What was the point of this exactly, it’s just a big first world sob story. Why don’t you listen to your family and adopt a kid who has REAL problems, unlike you, and give them a home.

    • http://www.facebook.com/paul.white.3532507 Paul White

      I’m sorry :( I don’t think there’s anything else I can say.

    • whiteroses

      Seriously? I just…. I can’t even with some of you people. Say someone lost her husband of three months. Would you walk up to her and be all, “Well, you barely knew him, and there are billions of other men in the world. They’re just waiting to get married!”
      Or, “At least be thankful you got married. I never got married. You’re a selfish tool.”
      Because that’s about how much sense you’re making. Try to show a little compassion.

    • lesuze

      I’m sorry that your family planning wasn’t able to go the way that you had hoped. I pray that you’ll be able to turn around and have an even closer bond with the beautiful child that you DO have, and perhaps that one day you’ll be ready to consider other means to motherhood.

      • Valeri Jones

        Thank goodness somebody was able to say that with some CLASS!

    • shannon

      i’m sorry. thank you for sharing. more people need to speak out about these realities and normalize the feelings. i am so sorry how things worked out for you.

    • ladybugG

      Didn’t you write the piece on not knowing what to do about your child’s spiritual upbringing that I just commented on? Wow. If we weren’t virtual strangers, I’d suggest you and I should have coffee – or a glass of wine – sometime.

      Last year I was pregnant at Christmas, too. It was to be my third child. Then i came down with the flu, which turned into pneumonia, which lead to me almost dying of an asthma attack one night (I am not asthmatic). Through it all, the drugs they had me take as treatment, the x-rays they made me have, the baby was fine. The one day at 14 weeks I went in and it had died. The doctors chalked it up to a one-off (albeit later first-trimester) miscarriage, likely related to my sickness, and encouraged me to try again. So I did.

      I got pregnant again in July – and was due this coming March. Then, again, unexplainably, and after a normal ultrasound at ten weeks, I went in for another ultrasound at 12 – and the baby was gone. Again.

      Both babies were girls and all tests of every possible thing we could test for came back normal. Doctors are stumped. I’m too emotionally and physically exhausted to go for round three. I am almost 40, too, so the odds are against me anyway. Our journey toward a family of five is over.

      There’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better – but you’ll find your peace eventually. I know it’s trite, but you’ve got a daughter to feel blessed about. Yes, I know blah, blah, blah…… When people told me I had “two beautiful children to be thankful for” to comfort me, I knew they were right, but it still irked me.

      Our pain is relative. While you wanted one more to make a duo, I always envisioned three, and wanted one more to add to my two. Now I see families of three and four kids and want to barf. I know this will pass with time, but there will always been a little piece of me that pines for that baby that will never be.

      I keep a little good luck charm on my dresser that says “Faith” to look at each morning. While I’m not religious (see previous comments on your other story :0) ) I look at it every morning to remind me things will work out the way they should – even if it isn’t how I expected/wanted them to happened. I’m working toward making my peace with it, but I’m not there yet.

      I wish for you that same peace some day – however you get there. {virtual hug}

      • LindsayCross

        Thank you so much for sharing and for the hugs. And if it wasn’t creepy or awkward, I would so suggest a glass a wine, virtual or otherwise.

    • sorry

      As another woman who has been struggling for the past year and a half with this issue thank you so much for writting this series. Thank you for the emotion and honesty throughout your series. I’ve felt quite alone in this, but reading your struggles has given me a sense of comfort. I am truely sorry to read this, and I wish I had more to say to you,

    • lucy

      I was right with you until I read “my daughter will be an only child”. You are not childless. You have a family. There are some of us who will never have those things. I understand your pain after your ectopic pregnancy and surgery, but it’s a different story than childlessness.

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    • childless

      I can’t help but think at least you have a child, you have no right to act like you are suffering some horrible tragedy when you already have one child!!!!! Imagine not having any!!!! I don’t feel sorry for you at all

    • ruby pie

      I cried as I read this. We are fortunate enough to have two children but we lost our much longed for 3rd through missed misscarriage after 2 1/2 years of trying. Now we’re in limbo, ttc but unable to get tested until we’ve been trying again post miscarriage for 12 months…wasting time if you ask me!
      I don’t know how our story will end but however it does, I hope it’s with the same strength you have shown.
      I wish I could give you a hug xx

    • Lucy

      Please just stop the whining. This would have been better suited for your personal diary. Why? YOU HAVE A FREAKING CHILD. do you not realize how lucky you are??? I am infertile at NINETEEN YEARS OLD due to ovarian cancer. I don’t think you have room to bitch honestly. Its the people like you who don’t deserve to have a child, the people who arent grateful for the child they DO have. Its just rediculous. Im shaking I am so furious with you. Be thankful. Not just for your child but for everything else I’m sure you take for granted.

    • Tina

      Lindsay, I know very well what you are going through and it is hard, but be grateful you have at least one beautiful child. I have gone through the exact experience as yours, ectopic pregnancy and all, and can never have a child. I would give anything to be able to just have one and I can’t.

    • Truly infertile

      You already have a child… You will never know the pain of never having your own kids…

    • Brenda

      Hi Lindsay.
      First of all, I’m sorry you had to go through this. As someone who hopes to someday have children of her own, it breaks my heart to read these stories of women who want what they can’t have. This one stood out for me because it’s so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
      There was, however, something that bothered me about this. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say you shouldn’t be allowed to grieve over not being able to have ANOTHER child, it’s only natural, the way this is written feels like it’s coming from someone who never had ANY children. Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was interesting (and like I said before, heartbreaking) to read about the painful experience of secondary infertility, since I had never considered it before; most of the time, when people think infertility, they’re naturally going to think FIRST infertility. As in, not having children at all.
      You mentioned that you have a daughter. But not at the beginning, but already in the second page, and you metioned her almost off-handedly. I was very surprised. Like I said, I thought at first you had no children (I had only come across this blog randomly, and this was the first post of yours that I had ever read, so I did not know anything about you or your family.) I’m not sure why you decided not to mention anything about your daughter beforehand, but I wish you’d said something, at least a little mention of being grateful for having at least one child. Or I wish at least you had put something about secondary fertility in the title of this post, because it seems almost misleading.
      I know this has caused a lot of controversy, and I’m sorry that people are being so cruel, but I can see where they’re coming from. It’s not that childless mothers have more of a right to be upset, but I think you should at least mention something about being grateful for the child you DO have. Because, again, this is written like you have no children. But again, this was a strong and powerful, but emotionally heartbreaking piece that I’ve saved into my favourites so that I can read it whenever I’m not feeling too good myself.
      Sorry if I offended anyone. Best wishes :)