• Sat, Dec 8 2012

If You Thought ‘Hashtag’ Was Bad, Wait Until You Hear These Other Ridiculous Baby Names

Naming a child is hard. Really hard. Unless you have some family name that you have no choice but use, you probably spend a lot of time pouring over baby books and quizzing your friends. This is the name that your child will have to respond to during roll call. This is the name that will be scrawled on the cup of every latte he ever drinks. This is serious pressure.

I understand wanting your child’s name to be unique – but some parents just went absolutely batshitcrazy this year. I mean really. What were they thinking?

Nameberry, the self-proclaimed “go-to site for expert opinion, savvy advice and information on baby names,” compiled a list of the most outrageous baby names of 2012. Boy, is it filled with some doozies.

Are you particularly fond of a movie? Why not name your offspring after it’s heroine? I’ll tell you why not. Because her name is Katniss. “Katniss attracted the most views of any name on Nameberry in 2012 – 60,000 page views, nearly 20,000 more than the next most-viewed name.” Really? Wow.

If you are lacking inspiration, you can always look to a good old standby – an instrument of death and destruction. Why not name your child after a gun? Apart from the obvious reason that it’s creepy, weird, and morbid – go for it.  Levi Johnston did. He chose “Beretta” as the middle name for his baby Breeze. It would be kind of cool if he were naming the child after the badass 70′s television series by the same name – but he is way too young to even know that it existed.

What better way to raise a future feminist than by naming her after a Disney princess? Kidding. Unfortunately, this year’s new princess is named, Vanellope. Get it? Like ‘Penelope’ but with a “V” and spelled totally different. I might like this one if it didn’t remind me of an episode of Cheaters I watched years ago, in which the “cheating” wife was named Panessa. Panessa. I’ve never been able to rid that ridiculous name from my mind.

But I think my favorites on the list come from parents with delusions of grandeur for their offspring. “Among the babies on the U.S. extended popularity list are five boys named Kingsolomon as well as children named Kingdavid, Princemichael, Sircharles, and Milady.”

Hmm. Whatever happened to Jennifer, Tiffany, and Todd? They’ll come back around in another few decades, when everyone gets bored of Katniss and Vanellope.

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  • Michelle

    Levi Johnston had Breeze with another girlfriend not Bristol.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Guerrilla Mom

      Thanks – totally read that wrong. I just kept thinking, “they had another kid?”

  • Tea

    Katniss isn’t that bad, it shortens down to “Kat” and is actually a real plant, too.

    The rest, I have no words for.

    • Sara610

      I agree. I actually really like Katniss. It’s different but not ridiculous. The others? Ridiculous.

  • bumbler

    I actually like whacko, weirdo names. Does the world REALLY need more Ashleys and Aidens? Sure, some of them sound terrible or tacky, but variety is the spice of life.

  • Blueathena623

    With Levi, if the first name wasn’t Breeze I wouldn’t fault him for the crazy middle name. In my opinion, middle names are where you can go a little nuts. Hence my kid, Marcus Aurelius (DH is a roman history buff) and if we have ever have a girl her name with be Margaret Attwood after my favourite author.

    • Shea

      Margaret Atwood is awesome. Please tell me you’ll spell it with one “t”, like the author though.

    • Blueathena623

      Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed. Yes, Atwood. Why did my iPad autocorrect to Attwood? I am an Atwood junkie. If you ever get a chance to see her speak in person, I highly recommend it. I’m re-reading The Robber Bride for the 30 millionth time right now.

    • Shea

      Haha, I kind of figured it was a typo, but there was part of my mind that was afraid that there was someone out there crazy enough to get kreeaytiv with the name of the one of the world’s greatest living authors.

    • Psych Student

      Marcus Aurelius is so clever! And useful since he can choose to share the awesomeness as desired rather than having a name like “Kingsolomon” which is just dumb.

  • boots

    Pored, not poured, means ‘read carefully’.

  • Me

    hmmm…”katniss” reminds me of cat nip. I feel for the little one with this name…and personally, I like Penelope better than Vanellope. I like our “normal” names.

    • Meg

      Vanellope sounds like a Starbucks product to me … I like Katniss a lot, though.

  • Cakes

    I used to teach a Sir’Charles! Wonder if it is the same one?

  • linodon

    I think Vanellope is supposed to be a mix of Penelope and vanilla. The character is from a candy-based video game. (Another character is named Taffyta…Taffy + Taffeta) I still wouldn’t name a child after her, but at least there’s some kind of reasoning behing the oddness.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    I love unusual names! Tallon and Roman and Jayden for boys and Calliope and Persephone for girls! I like them cos the girls can be shortened to Callie and Sephy.