It’s pretty much a given that shopping for virtually anything for 13-year-old girls is precarious ground. This particular birthday in a young girl’s life brings out the absolute worst in our hypersexualizing culture, as everything from Halloween costumes to even underwear is used as fodder to crank up a very artificial and contrived sexuality on girls.

But this particular birthday card manages to squeeze in not just the importance of having a wealthy beau, but also having big “boobies” to woo him with so that he’ll hand over those diamonds and rubies — the true objective of any courtship.

Talk about grand wisdom to impart to your newly minted teenager. I realize we’re not fishing for pearls of absolute wisdom when we sift through Hallmark for last-minute birthday cards, but is it too much to ask that the kid not be told to put her money where her “boobies” are?  Can we at least wait until the inside of the birthday card to hit me with a couple of these deeply problematic and colossally sexist messages? No, better to have all that right up front so that I know not to even bother considering this for any young girl I know. Ever.

(photo: jessicavalenti.tumblr.com)