STFU Parents: 5 MommyJackers Who One-Up Their Friends On Facebook

Typically when people “one-up” their friends, it’s to gloat. But when you’re a mommyjacker, one-upping is pretty evenly split between bragging and whining.No one has it harder than moms, as we already know, and that attitude gets expressed on Facebook in a multitude of ways.

A couple of months ago we learned about things that people can look forward to NOT doing anymore once they become parents — but what about the things non-parents do that are just made that much more difficult when they become parents? It’s like all the non-parents out there have no idea about this stuff! For instance, did you know that after you have a baby, you have to take it places, watch it closely, and feed it? Or, for all the ladies out there, did you know that after you give your birth, your body changes and it kind of sucks? I know they don’t teach these things in baby books or tell you about them in childbirth classes, but it’s true. Having a kid actually does make life harder. Who knew?!

Thankfully, there are dozens of mommyjackers out there to remind their non-kid-having friends that their lives could be soo much worse. (Just before telling their friends that their lives are completely hollow because they don’t know what real love is.) Whether you’ve had a bad day at the office, an annoying travel experience, or are simply exhausted, some mom out there has got you beat. And she’s more than happy to tell you so.

I think most people would agree that being a parent is hard, because when you’re responsible for another human being it takes effort and time management and money. But that doesn’t mean non-parents need to be reminded that their hardships are “easily trumped” by those of their baby-having friends. Sure, there might be some truth to those one-upping mommyjackers’ statements, but is making those statements necessary or productive? Let’s take a look at some examples to decide.

1. Gentle Reminders

STFU Parents

Hey Sarah, being at the airport is lame, but look at the bright side! You aren’t chasing an insanely wild — and did I mention insanely adorable — child while you wait. Now do you feel better? As a single person in transit, the world is your oyster! You can tap dance down the terminal after having several beers at the Chili’s Express. You can type on your cell phone as you’re boarding the plane because you have a free hand. You can even join the Mile High Club without asking the person next to you to hold a drooling child first. How awesome are YOU?

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    • E D

      I hate the Suffering Olympics.

      • Meg

        I hate it MORE and it exhausts me. I win.

      • Donna

        Ha, try watching the Suffering Olympics with a toddler pooping on your couch and a baby screaming and a husband that won’t help!!!! lol :)

      • Berker

        hahahahaha

    • Leah Midnight

      “stress-inducing husband”…

      This relates to last week, and is a little off parenting, but does anyone want to start an off-shoot column with me called STFU Wives? I am sick of seeing wives publicly bash their husbands via social networking. It’s one thing to bitch privately to your friends when he does something that annoys you, but it is wrong to talk shit on your husband in public. My fiance would not stand for me calling him out for serious shit on facebook. And I love that about him because he’s not a pussyass biatch (trying to borrow terminology from some of these lovely ladies we’ve seen).

      I have an idea. Rather than post on facebook all day mommy-jacking your friends, how about you put down your phone or shut off your laptop and actually talk to your husband if you’ve got problems? Would that be hard? Well good, because marriage is hard sometimes and you should work to make it great. GAAAAHHH!

      Sorry, tantrum over.

      • Sam

        Its called STFU, Marrieds

      • Dlee

        STFU Couples. Someone already thought of it for you,

      • Leslie Miikal

        what about calling it “STFU spouses”, I have seen many a spouse-bashing from muliple ends of the spectrum on FB, like seriously, dirty laundry much?

    • Sarah

      This is why we can’t have nice things.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/Y43G2GBLYWFPOIKU76DGRXPOSQ Parvati Lynn

      So annoying.

    • Ordinaryperson

      Those people are so lame. Your life is only as busy/shitty as it is, regardless of how many kids you may or may not have. I mean, I used to give myself a half hour grace period before I had kids to get my shit together before I had to get out the door. With one kid, it also took me a half hour to get out the door, and now with a second it still only takes half an hour to get us together and gone. Maybe I do a little more with the half an hour, but I still remember being just as rushed and stressed to get out the door with no kids as I do with two.
      Also, fuck the 3 loads of laundry bitch. Maybe I’m just bad at laundry, but I always have at least one load in the basket to fold but it’s usually more like 2 or 3. Laundry happens to everybody bitch, and it’s NEVER FUCKING ENDING.

    • Hibbie

      On the upside, Tiffany sounds like a pretty fun friend. I imagine her bringing tidings of uppers to all her tired friends’ statuses. “RED BULL!” “5 HOUR ENERGY!” “8 BALLLLLL!”

    • BigBlue

      #4 didn’t really strike me as one-upmanship, it seemed more like commiserating.

      • Jenn

        instead of jacking her status on how SHE has it bad, Dawne could have either offered empathy or red bull. it’s become a world of tyra-s “well when I…..”

      • http://www.facebook.com/helen.donovan.31 Helen Donovan

        Perhaps if she’d just said “I hear you – was up all night with Bratleiglh; but comparing a 14 hour day + commute with folding 3 loads of laundry – NOT cool. Plus why MUST the laundry be folded and put away that day. I’ve never had mine run off if it had to sit a day or two (plus sometimes I can wear some of it and not even have to put it away)!

      • Prefers Dogs

        Welp, now I know what I’m naming my firstborn – Bratleigh! Truth in advertising, after all.

    • Estella

      A FB friend recently pulled the “I’m a mother and therefore my life is harder than yours and you don’t get to complain about anything ever” card on my FB, because I dared complain about having to get up before 6 one morning. I responded with a snotty “That’s just your opinion ;)”, to which she still hasn’t replied. :p

      • Jenn

        I always remember the line from Sex and the City when Charlotte tells Samantha “but they have a baaaaaaaby” and she says “Well that’s their problem”. I love it!

    • Giryrose

      Love this. My sister-in-law with twins does this constantly. Constantly “Imagine if you had it double like I do.”

      • ipsedixit010

        (shudder) My SIL does this as well. We only have 1 kid. Before we had kids, it was ‘imagine what it’s like when you have kids!’ Now, it’s ‘imagine what it’s like with 2!’

        You can’t win.

      • jill_sandwich

        I almost downvoted this compulsively because I had such an immediate, pissed-off reaction to your sister-in-law. Luckily I caught myself in time. Sorry you have such a bitch in your family.

    • Peachy

      I would “unfriend” every single one of these Weeping Willows without a second thought. Nice “friends”.

    • Justme

      There’s a lady that I work with that does this ALL THE TIME. For every story that is told in the lounge, she has one that starts with “well that’s not as bad as the time…” and then proceeds to tell us why her children are more amazing/disgusting/revolting/charming/beautiful/creative than the rest of ours.

      • STFUParents

        Ha! Exactly. Half the time it’s gloating, the other half it’s griping.

    • Berker

      People are a-holes.

    • Leslie Miikal

      lmfao! someone better deck me one if I ever become “that person”!

      • Prefers Dogs

        And that’s why STFU Parents exists – so you can check yo’self before you wreck yo’self!

    • Wonderingaboutthis

      Funny, ill have to be sure to never so this…never noticed, but this is pretty standard in mommy land. You barely get to share your experience before the person you’re talking to cant wait to say their experience, as if not listening nor registering anything you just shared…

    • AP

      I don’t get the ultrasound whining, both here and on the blog itself. If the doctor’s not prompt for an appointment that requires suffering, you just go to the bathroom and tell the doctor to deal. If you make enough of a calm and logical fuss, they’ll have to bend because of ethics.

      • Wendy

        In the early months of pregnancy, you have to have a super-full bladder or they can’t see the baby (or so they say). There’s a very large and specific amount you need to drink in order to do it. So, if you do go to the bathroom before the ultrasound, the tech will just be like, “Try again, dumbass.” Then you would have to start all over with the drinking and come back again later (or a completely different day that’s convenient for them). Not that I would bitch about it on facebook, but that’s why they are bitching.

      • AP

        Well, yeah, but you can make them work with what they’ve got. I’ve rarely seen a situation where it was all-or-nothing with a medical test.

        One of my friends had the same ultrasound for some problem with her kidneys or ovaries (I don’t remember, that girl was a medical mess) and she was miserable and the doctors yelled at her. I just wouldn’t tolerate that treatment as a customer.

    • http://www.cafepress.com/ladycrim ladycrim

      Don’t be fooled, Brittany. Sarah only half-hopes you feel better. Otherwise there’d be an ‘ugh’ to go with her ‘tho’.

      Actually, come to think of it, her comments made ME say ‘ugh’, so I guess we’re set.

    • http://www.facebook.com/nplaroche212 Nichole LaRoche

      Ugh, I hate the whole, “I am a SAHM, so my day is so much harder than yours!!” I’m sorry, but would you have a complaints from a boss and customers, etc, if you did your job at your own pace with your eyes half-shut, and in your PJs? No? Then your day is NOT harder than mine!

    • http://www.facebook.com/nickisavageart Nicki Savage

      #2 explains how Sarah’s so OBVIOUSLY dumb. 105* fevers actually BURN YOUR BRAIN MATTER AWAY; 104* fevers cook it. If she was telling the truth, she’s in a hospital breathing through a tube, and the nurse is the one talking.

      And REPEATEDLY? The severity of repeated critical fevers would likely cause a haemorrhage, strokes, and other lethal effects.

      In summation, she’s a lying beeotch. It NEVER happened.

    • Pingback: MommyJacking Round-Up! One-Upping Edition | stfu beta

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

      Sorry but going without sleep and doing laundry and making lunch is no where near as hard as going without sleep then going on a 14+ hour workshift. lol

    • http://twitter.com/tesria Tesria

      One of the best exchanges like this I’ve ever seen was in person. A group of us were out, and P had to leave early to be up with her kid in the morning. She said we were lucky not to have to worry about toddlers. E replied without missing a beat: “Lucky? It’s not luck, darling, it’s by deliberate design.” I couldn’t stop laughing.