• Mon, Dec 3 2012

Really, You Shouldn’t Have. What Not To Buy The Mother Of Your Children For Christmas

The woman who mothers your children is probably dropping all sorts of hints about what she hopes to find under the tree this year, you probably just aren’t paying attention. If you ask us, most of us will just say “Oh, you don’t have to buy me a gift” which can roughly translate into anything from “I want three boxes of salted caramels” to “I’d really like some slipper socks” to “I want this absurdly cool and amazingly expensive three-doll necklace by Marni” to “I would like a chicken coop.” Because the majority of us can’t afford $1000 chicken coops, you can never go wrong with a lengthy, hand-written letter listing all the ways we are amazing partners and mothers, and all about how your life would be a sad barren wasteland of nothing without us. Include a simply framed photograph of the kids and present it to us with a cup of very good coffee and an IOU for a back rub later. The very best part of a gift like this is that it would actually mean something, plus, we can’t return it. And what sort of jerk mom would dislike a photo of her own kids? Not the one with the badly groomed eyebrows!

(photo: infografick /shutterstock)

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  • CMJ

    Celine Trapeze Bag.

  • Tinyfaeri

    That three doll necklace scares the crap out of me. It’s like Chucky Couture.

    • chickadee

      And with the black ribbons it simply screams, “Bring me pins so I can voodooize my children!”

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      You guys, it’s $600!!!!! For a piece of string and tiny dolls! Why can’t we make something like that and charge a gazillion bucks?

    • chickadee

      If it weren’t on the N-M website, I’d swear it was Etsy….

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Hahahaha! It may be copied from something ON etsy!

    • Tinyfaeri

      I think there could be a market for onyx-and-diamond googly eyes…

  • chickadee

    Send me your damn spa day certificates, you ungrateful hag!* My husband gives back rubs like THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHq_yY-olHo

    * :) (emticon of you-aren’t-really-a-hag-ositiy)

  • 11candlelight

    Yeah, not all of us get to go have pedicures whenever we want. For me it actually IS a treat, and I’d love a gift certificate. Your privilege is showing…

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Noooooo, I don’t get them whenever I want, I just hate doing stuff like that. For me, I have no patience and it feels like maintenance

  • Micha

    Wasn’t this article about how much you hate sweeping generalizations for what to buy a mom, a sweeping generalization about what NOT to buy a mom? I would love a spa certificate and my mom freaked out last year over $3000 in her stocking to buy all new kitchen appliances. To each their own, as you said.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Oooooooo, ok, I take it back, I want all new appliance cash, was your mom stoked?

    • Micha

      Oh yea, I would have stolen the cash if she wasn’t.

    • Shea

      Yeah, I’d love a spa gift certificate. I love massages but can’t bring myself to spend that sort of money on myself, so a spa gift certificate would be awesome. I’d also be thrilled if I got, say, a blender this Christmas. Mine died, and it’s putting a crimp in my blended-soup-making activities. If my partner were to get me a kitchen appliance, it just show that he knows me pretty well, since he’s well aware that I love to cook.

  • Renee J

    Last year I wanted a Dyson vacuum from my husband. I didn’t it, though.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      :(
      I had a Dyson and hated it! I am a vacuum addict. I do have this shark that was really cheap that I swear works better than that dyson.

    • Anne Cordelia

      Eve, me, too! I LOVE my Shark vacuum!! Just goes to show you that sometimes a name is just a name, and not an assurance of quality.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Omg srsly, I have a Miele and I like my Shark better, it is such a good machine and really reasonable. And I use it constantly and it hasn’t broken or clogged yet!

  • LiteBrite

    Last year my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said I’d like an iPad. What did I get? A mattress pad. He said, “Well, it is a PAD….” (I did get other things too, but the mattress pad made me laugh. You’re one romantic S.O.B., DH.)

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Oh snap, guess he got you! I hope this year he asks you for golf clubs and you get him a club sammich (Yes, my other suggestion was x-rated :( )

  • C.J.

    I love getting kitchen appliances for Christmas, I have a whole closet full of them! Cooking is a hobby for me though. I can see how a person wouldn’t want kitchen appliances if they didn’t love to cook. I could do without the spa gift certificate or any of the other things you mentioned, I would never use them.

  • once upon a time

    Here’s a crazy idea – tell your partner what you want. No stupid game playing with comments like, “I don’t want anything at all!” when you clearly do, no stupid ‘hints’ and leaving around catalogue clippings hoping that they’ll pick up on your clever subterfuge; just say, “I want a Kindle please.”

    Surely my partner isn’t the only one in the world who follows instructions?

    • lea

      See, to me, the point of gift giving is taking the time to select something thoughtful for the person you are buying for. It takes the meaning out of it for me, if I have to ask for something. I kinda feel like my husband knows me well enough now to know what I like, and to chose something for me. I don’t think it is too much to expect a bit of effort and thought on his behalf.

      I do agree with your game playing sentiments though, I don’t do it. We set a rough limit that we feel we can afford (say $50 to 100), and then chose something for each other that we know we will like.

    • once upon a time

      Sure, that’s a valid position, but I don’t really feel like (general) you can complain if you then don’t get what you want. Perhaps if it’s a wilted bouquet of petrol station flowers or a generic box of chocolates, something that’s obviously had no thought put into it, but presents are hard for some people! You can know someone as well as you like and still not know if they’d like something practical or frivolous *this* Christmas.

      I also hate all the angst that comes with presents. No one is entitled to a present, not even the mother of someone’s child. So tell your partner what you want or graciously accept what he gives you, even if it’s the suckiest thing that ever sucked (there are exceptions of course, like if you’re a vegetarian and you get a cooler full of steaks).

    • Blueathena623

      Or you have my husband, where I will tell him very, very specifically, what I want, but he views that as a suggestion, and will get something kinda close but not really. And then if I don’t like those close but no cigar gifts, hey, its the thought that counts right? I shouldn’t be ungrateful that I got a pair of small fluffy socks when I sent him a link to the exact fluffy robe I wanted. And how dare I complain that he got me a random cook book about how to cook wild animals when I asked for a very specific non-fiction science book.
      Sorry, it’s the holidays and I’m starting to get bitter and worried about what I’ll manage to get this year.

  • Casie

    Speak for yourself, I’ll take a spa day!

  • chickadee

    Also, Eve? This was a really funny article. Never mind all our objections.

  • Blueathena623

    Ha, my husband does two of those, but the cheapie version. So instead of spa certificates (which I have asked for!) I get endless boxes and bottles of bath salts and bubble bath. Instead of nice appliances (like the Keurig I asked for!) I get these cheesy as seen on TV kitchen gadgets that break and get tossed within one or two uses. Man, I’m so tired of getting crap, but I do tell him exactly what I want, to no avail.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Hahahaha! we need to set up a gift swap where we can all exchange the weirdness!

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