• Mon, Nov 19 2012

Let’s Freak Out All Of The First Time Moms By Sharing Childbirth Transition Horror Stories!

For all of you mommies out there who had natural childbirths or loved your entire labor experience or who found it “beautiful” and “wonderful,” I’m super-duper happy for you and all but now we are going to swap childbirth  transition horror stories! Hurray! Because I’m sorry, transition for me, during all of my births, was a terribly terrible time but also when I invented some amazingly great swear words that have never been uttered by another human, ever.

And I even had an epidural!

For the uninitiated, transition is the labor phase when your cervix dilates from 7 cm to ten cm, and when you lose your damn fool mind and start inventing profanity and telling everyone you hate them. At least that’s what I did. My favorite transition phase experience was with my first son. I was uncomfortable up until then. But I was feeling pretty okay. And then I hit transition and I stood up, told everyone in the room including the nurse that I had decided not to have the baby, and tried to leave the delivery room. And than I slipped and fell in a puddle of my own blood. Yay transition!

It’s been eight years since I have given birth and I can still remember how utterly visceral transition was for me. Not only because it was painful, but because it was truly crazy time in my head. It was teeth-gnashingly intense. But it doesn’t last forever and than you get a beautiful baby to hold and everyone tells you how brave and amazing you are and brings you snack food products.

I know every mom has a different labor experience, so I’m just speaking for mine, but for me the transition phase was really hard.You may have a wondrous experience and think transition was a breeze!  My mom is fond of saying that if the majority of women fully remembered how hard that aspect of giving birth was, no one would ever have more than one baby ever. But something magical happens when you are handed your newborn and you fall madly in love and go and get yourself all knocked up again. At least this is how it worked for me.

The most important thing to remember is transition doesn’t last forever. You won’t be going through this phase for ten hours. And if you find yourself uncomfortable and in pain than just do what I did. Invent words like “_____ nugget____ crud eater___monkey.”

(photo: Milena Vuckovic /shutterstock)

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  • Meah

    Ha! I didn’t have the drugs (stupid! stupid!). All I can remember is that I suddenly, in a lucid moment, thought, “this is what a wild animal sounds like when they are giving birth. I am a wild animal.” But I couldn’t have cared less how I sounded or looked, or how frightened I was making my husband. I screamed with abandon… and it only lasted a little while before I had my gorgeous son in my arms. All was forgiven immediately.

  • Jem

    I don’t remember transition being terrible, but I do remember distinctly feeling arms/hands flail around and slap my thighs and butt at one point and realizing it was my son..haha

  • Sarah

    I find this informative yet entertaining. Good job.

  • Nyx

    Transition period, is that what its called? Well, I do remember it being super fun (not). First I had to go shopping for a car seat since ‘We have plenty of time for that’ turned into ‘Oh god, oh god we have nothing!’ I definitely don’t recommend shopping for baby essentials when your contractions are less than 10 minutes apart.

    I called the hospital only to be a told by an entirely too calm and relaxed nurse to take my time, have something to eat, pack a bag then mosey on down (her words). Yeah, no. We were in the car, tearing down the freeway with me screaming horrible and creative death threats to all the cars in front us.

    At the hospital I was fortunate enough to be allowed a shower (where my spawn-ling was born) I spent the whole time screaming and swearing, then apologising for swearing (and deafening one midwife). I also gave myself a black eye on the hot water knob and whilst my girl was crowning I announced that I had changed my mind and to put her back in there

    But it was all worth it because she is so amazingly beautiful…But I was totally ripped off because no one brought me snack foods :(

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I am so not a doctor, but I think you were going through it while driving down the freeway!

  • Amanda Reece

    Ha! I totally remember transition (if because it was only 9 months ago that I experienced it). I had a drug-free birth as well. I love how they tell you transition is the fastest part of birth during all those labor classes and is only supposed to last about a half hour. Well, mine lasted about 3 hours. I was stuck at 8 cm for.ev.er before I asked for the doctor to break my water. That’s when things went from excruciating to motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane :). But you’re right – pregnancy amnesia is a real thing. I really did forget all about it the second they handed me my son! I told my husband to punch me if I ever talked about having another baby, because being punched would be no where near as bad as labor. But of course, now I regret saying that because I already want another.

  • k

    too funny, i have three children but the first two were medicated birth, with number one i’d had the epidural very close to pushing so felt absolutely nothing. with number two i had a small shot of demoral shortly before transition, and had thought it had had no effect…until h ad baby number three and was pretty sure she was ripping my lower area to shreds while emerging. i was so sure hte OB was going to come up and say i had 6000 tears. I had none. My sister is planning for her first and ive told her, go for it natural..until those last 3 centimeters, right before that…get some god damn drugs.

  • RW

    My transition involved an awful lot of excruciating lower back pain and culminated with me shaking so violently that 3 people had to hold me still enough for the epidural. I came into labour optimistic, with the mentality that women do this around the world every single day – how hard can it be? I have a pretty impressive pain tolerance threshold so I honestly thought delivery would be no big thing. I was never opposed to an epidural but I genuinely didn’t think it would be necessary. I am SO glad I got one. As the contractions became more powerful they started to suck, but the back pain was what did me in. Once the shaking started I couldn’t stop until the epidural took effect and I was able to get a few moments of precious rest.

    • RW

      Also – no pregnancy amnesia here! I still remember the exact moment of birth and thinking “this. This is what torture feels like. How could one human ever do this to another?!” My next thought was a tear-inducing “I still have to do this again!” because we agreed on 2 kids. It took at least a year for the trauma to wear off enough that I was willing to submit to pregnancy a second time, and only because I do genuinely want another kid. And the only thing keeping me optimistic is the knowledge that after this there will be no more, EVER.