You guys will find this totally shocking but I have no friends. OK, so I have a very few select friends but I’m not sure they even really like me, or they just hang out with me because I make these amazingly good cheese straws out of puff pastry and sharp cheddar. Making mommy friends is a challenge. The nice people at The Herald Net realize this so they have composed some helpful suggestions for those of us who are socially awkward and/or giant bitchfaces to make new pals. Let’s review and talk about why most of these would not work for me!

Sign up for Stroller Strides fitness classes for moms with babies.

I have no baby. This will not work for me. But I am totally tempted to show up with my teenage son in a stroller and be all “Look at my adorable little boy! Isn’t he the cutest? He just started crawling!” and freak everyone out.

Check out what is happening locally and attend events or classes with your child.

I can kinda see doing this, but the only events or classes I’m really interested in are cooking classes or classes on how to shoot weapons which I’m not sure are super appropriate for my children. I think I read somewhere that guns, knives and kids don’t mix.

Join a local moms’ club.

By “mom’s club” do they mean like a mom biker gang who all ride super badass Triumph motorcycles? Because if so, I’m in.

Get to know your neighbors.

Haha! My neighbors are all super nice but they are also very old. I’m going to stop by and ask them if they want to hang out and watch The Walking Dead with me and drink.

Hang out at a local independent bookstore.

Gosh, do you guys remember bookstores? I miss bookstores. Let’s go back before the advent of Amazon when there used to be bookstores and make friends! And if there were bookstores, how would this work? Do you hang out in the self-help section perusing books on “How To Make Friends” and than wait until another person is in that section and than you both feel sorry for each other so you become BFF and than go to your elderly neighbor’s house and ask them to watch The Walking Dead with you and do tequila shots every time Michone makes her mad face?

Start a parent-child book club.

I love to read so much! I am a voracious reader but I have never joined a book club. I think at book clubs all people do is read “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and I’m not super positive that is an appropriate book choice for any of my children.

Volunteer with your child.

I can’t make fun of this one because I believe strongly in volunteer work. But if I took my kid to volunteer at the local animal shelter he only friends we would make are with dogs. And I’m no animal expert, but dogs don’t talk. Nor can you go shoe shopping with them or play trivia or swap babysitting duties with them. Dogs are amazingly cute, but the only friendship activities you can share with them are sleepy cuddle time and a rousing game of “Who gets the last piece of ham?”

Join a community/family yoga center.

Yoga. Looooooooool.

Maybe I don’t have more friends because of my bad attitude and my raging sarcasm problem. I think I need to start making extra cheese straws.

(photo: Everett Collection  /shutterstock.com)