Anonymous Mom: What I Wish I Could Post To Facebook About My Pregnancy

facebook pregnancyAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

It is easy for me to unfriend the middle school buddy who feels compelled to share her exact amount of dilation, nature of bowel movements and intimate descriptions of all interrelated side effects on her status feed. Really easy. Buh-bye overshare. What is tougher, is feeling deeply compelled to share what is going on in my pregnancy, which to me feels largely like a strange science experiment gone horribly awry.

Who on earth wants to hear this bullshit? –I keep asking myself. And the truth is, no one really does, not really, except maybe the women who troll these sites for birth control fodder (which I totally understand), but then…the information never gets out to those of us who really need to hear it.

We never get fully warned. No one really gets into the fun little details, do they? They just say having a baby “changes everything”— to which I say “Well, no shit, all I have to do is pull up the health plan premium sheet on the company share-drive to know that I lose 200 bucks a month from the vodka-fund for my bundle of joy.” How is that wisdom?

I want specifics, concrete information. Ok, what else? Daycare, sure. Another hit to the booze fund. What else? Stretch marks, right? Those must suck. Don’t they have a cream for that? And for me, this is where the pre-baby info drops off a cliff. Nada. Just a bouncing baby and hope for the best. Excellent. Like rolling chicken bones to make a decision on whether to have a kid—a great plan.

So, being a Millennial, I turn to my community online. I turn to Facebook. In fact, I will let the motivated among you do a little research if you are curious—my state has the highest population use of Facebook than any other state in the country. We love our status updates.

Armed with this, I begin to think about what would I post to Facebook, to warn those who come after me, the women en masse thinking about a baby, the women who have no idea they are about to see two pink lines, the ones who don’t realize that that will be their last daiquiri for almost a goddamn year. What would I tell them? I wouldn’t screw around with this “everything changes” garbage, that’s for damn sure. I would keep it real and tell them my experiences. Maybe if every woman did the same thing we would have a more realistic and detailed pool of information. Sales of Depo Provera would soar.

Here is what I would post.

(photo: Tomislav Pinter / Shutterstock.com)

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    • Ali

      THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!

    • Justme

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with dispelling some of those pregnancy and motherhood myths. Quite frankly, I would giggle at most of those updates if you were to really post them (except for the vulva thing…that would be filed under TMI).

      The updates where women are keeping it real while being hilarious and poking fun at themselves and the entire idea that pregnancy and motherhood is like having a rainbow popping out of your hooha while sitting on a bed of clouds and a choir of angels serenade you………those are the updates I like.

      Pregnancy and motherhood are, at times both absolutely asinine and wonderfully hilarious and I think it’s okay to showcase those aspects instead of the “everything is perfect and wonderful” mantra that gets fed to women.

      • katydid0605

        ha!!! my four year old calls it a hooha

    • Lo

      Just wanted to say this was really well-written and hilarious. Loved it!

    • chickadee

      You should create a new facebook profile: Pregnant Overshare Lady! Then you can blurt things out to your heart’s content without grossing out any of your friends. Especially with the vulva post.

      Honestly, I understand the urge to shout these thoughts out into the net to see what comes back. I also appreciate your NOT doing it… :)

    • kirsten

      facebook? probably a good idea to monitor your vulva-related posts. but here? This is what i was looking for while pregnant: a no-frills, tell the truth and don’t sugercoat, account of what to REALLY expect.

      And the sugarcoating doesn’t end at delivery: you will have to pee every 15 minutes after you deliver too… maybe for weeks. Sex will feel different and probably not as good, at least for awhile. Your hair will fall out; lots of it, seriously. When baby is sick and you get sick too, you can’t call in sick from motherhood, and all of a sudden it’ll hit you that there is no out. You might cry… post-partum hormonal swings are just like the pregnancy ones. Your breasts will shrink, and even if they just return to their normal size, you’ll feel deflated and think, “where did they go??”

      but, you know, totally amazing and all that, yada yada… :) enjoy!

      • AugustW

        No one told me about the hair falling out part of motherhood. I thought I was dying! I have naturally thick hair, and while I was pregnant I could have modeled for Tresseme (sp), but a few weeks after I had my daughter, I could reach back and literally pull out chunks of hair…freaked me out!
        I think we do need to talk about some of the less fun parts of motherhood.

      • lea

        “I think we do need to talk about some of the less fun parts of motherhood.”

        Agreed. Just not on Facebook. And definitely not unless someone has shown interest. It is really unfair to lump all of that negativity (no matter how accurate) on an expectant mother who would rather not know.
        Unfortunately too many women retell their pregnancy and birth stories as some kind of badge of honour, delighting in freaking out other women. Or maybe I just know too many jerks?

    • EKS

      i wish there was more of this out there! it was humorous but also enlightening. agreed with other comments that i think it’s better on blogs (and similar outlets) as opposed to facebook – after all, facebook is limited to your circle, and these bits of information serve a purpose.

    • Mommyof1

      Just because someone doesn’t overshare doesn’t mean they don’t want to spread the word about what pregnancy is really like. I know people were pretty censored when they talked about “how things were going to be.” And at first I got tired of the “everything is going to change” record; but they weren’t wrong. There were a lot of changes when the baby came. And what changed for me wouldn’t be what would change for others.

      AND I’m glad no one told me about all the gross little details. I happened to have a very easy first pregnancy and I feel like if I had known before what I know now, I would have been a complete wreck worrying about when this gross thing would happen to me.

      I was quite happy to learn about pregnancy from numerous books by qualified authors and not from random facebook posts.

      That said, freedom of speech, sister: it’s a beautiful thing.

    • Childfree Granola Eater

      Honestly, about half the reason I follow STFU, Parents is as a daily reminder of why I need to keep on the BC pills until I can nag my GYN into referring me to someone who will do a tubal ligation. But I really like your sense of humor and no-bullshit attitude, and I doubt I’d submit you to STFUP if you went and posted some of these (although I agree with other commenters that the vulva one would be TMI) and possibly even thank you for keeping it real and reminding me of the other reasons besides a general revulsion toward the pre-kindergarten crowd and enjoyment of my carefree lifestyle that I should never, ever get pregnant. Kudos!

      • meteor_echo

        Yep, stocking on birth control for the rest of my lifetime here. Too fond of my pelvic floor and other body parts to let this happen to me! :)

    • Guest

      …Um who looks to Facebook as their sole source of information on pregnancy?

      • Persistent Cat

        Exactly. I don’t look to Facebook for any sort of information. That’s why forums exist.

    • HaiNa82

      Thank you! I feel the exact same way!!

    • Persistent Cat

      Some of your suggested posts weren’t bad but the mention of sex or your vulva would be too much and I’d either unfriend you or hide you, depending on your relationship to me. But your colleagues, former high school and elementary school friends or distant relatives do not want to read that.

      Facebook isn’t for information. From my experience, it’s used to express yourself by copying and pasting song lyrics, bully people into liking things and using memes to express your interests and feelings. Forums are for information because everyone there WANTS to talk about that subject.

    • canaduck

      “‘What’s next? Mom jeans? Wearing running shoes around town for no reason? Neglecting my brows???’ Men can’t understand this shit, and the crunchy women can step off—clearly I am not referencing you. Go eat a granola bar.”

      …what the hell?

      • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

        Yeah, I was with this article until that point. Also the, “I’m pregnant, not fat” because that would be the end of the world, right?

    • Blueathena623

      Why not join a baby forum? Baby center has tons, tons of mommy groups.

    • mariposa826

      This was hilarious and enlightening and actually made me feel better because even after reading about all the parts that suck (no abs, vulva changes) I think I STILL want to have a baby, which is pretty crazy, eh? No, I’m not Canadian. That just felt appropo. Oh, and also–I love that you worry about your brows and actually admit to caring about what you look like. Too many moms seem to just give that up. You ROCK.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Kwhite1980 Kristina White

      ROFL I would love to see those posted on facebook! Much rather read that than how so and so’s 6 month old is apparently reading at a 5th grade lvl (as if!), or the latest addition poo’d on the floor.

    • http://maitribathbody.com/ Maitri

      It’s hard not to constantly talk about being pregnant when there’s a foot in your ribs. I give a lot of leeway to pregnant friends. Overshare all you want, I don’t really care. http://maitribathbody.com