In a recent “Anonymous Mom” column, one of our readers wrote in about how tired she is of hearing that she’s lucky to have found a kind and loving husband. Over and over again, friends and family told her that she needed to be grateful for finding a good guy. After all, this woman is a single mother with a young son. The implication was that single mothers shouldn’t expect to end up with wonderful men who want to love them and their children. Single moms shouldn’t expect any man to want them at all.
Personally, I could understand what this woman meant. I was a single mom when I got married to my husband. I heard more than a couple times that I was lucky. And at the time of course I felt blessed, but not because I was a single mom who didn’t deserve love. I felt blessed because every one who finds a partner in life normally feels like they hit a jackpot. My husband felt the same way. I think that reciprocity is the important thing. We both felt lucky, because we had both found people who we loved and respected.
However, according to some of our commenters, there was no reason for my husband to feel lucky. In fact, they think he never should have deigned to marry an American woman who expected him to be a loving step-father to her child. They think that a man raising another man’s child is the height of self-sacrifice and it should never be asked of any man. More than anything, they think that there was an imbalance in my husband and I’s luck. That I’m the lucky one and he’s the poor guy who got duped into marrying a bitch with a kid.
Well I’d like to address some of these comments. As a woman who knows what it’s like to be a single mom that found a wonderful husband, I feel like I’m in a good place to respond where our anonymous reader might not be able to.
“That’s huge for a guy to take on another man’s child. Most men with options when confronted with a woman with a kid run away as fast as they can and this guy married you and you are complaining about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
First of all, I don’t think anyone was complaining about getting married to a great guy. She was complaining about the insinuation that she didn’t deserve a great guy because she was a single mom. Which is ridiculous. As human beings, we all deserve to be treated with respect and to find someone we love. And why is it so huge for “a guy to take on another man’s child”? Is it also huge when a woman does so as a step-mother? Are those single dads oh so lucky to have found themselves a woman willing to parent another person’s child? Being a step-parent is a wonderful thing. It can be difficult and it deserves recognition, but it’s also rewarding. And if a person doesn’t want to be a step-parent, then they simply shouldn’t date a single mom or dad.
From Leap of a Beta:
Lady, as a man in his late 20′s looking forward in time to his 30′s…. I wouldn’t waste my time on you. If I did, I’d lead you on and use you for sex while dangling commitment in front of your face. I would give you the best sex of your life without any strings, dancing around every civil union law in the state. I’d do so without an ounce of guilt as you extract child support form some other poor bloke and look forward to me committing even more towards a child that isn’t mine with a sense of entitlement that you’re owed it for being special enough to get pregnant.
Maybe my opinion and this description will engender a proper appreciation in you.
Let’s just get this out of the way. A self-centered asshole like you would never be capable of giving a woman the best sex of her life. Don’t kid yourself. As to the idea that a woman should feel grateful and appreciative because she isn’t romantically attached to a horrible person such as yourself, that’s ridiculous. All you’re stating is what a loathsome person you are. No one should have to feel lucky purely because they aren’t with someone despicable. And if that’s your outlook, that people should expect to be treated terribly, that says a lot more about you than it does about any single mom or the man who marries her.
People need to stop being kind. Being kind got us in this mess in the first place. It is timer too start publicly shaming single mothers and fat people. It is for the survival of civilization, and to stop child abuse from slutty women denying their kids a father, and feeding kidsm Doritos until they’re obese
So now single women are abusing their children? And why are you angry at a woman who remarried for denying her child a father? By the way, I’d like to add that lots of men choose not to be fathers. They disappear and leave their children to be raised by anyone but themselves. Where’s the vitriol and hatred for those men, if you want to start shaming people? Really, this comment is so idiotic that it doesn’t deserve too much thought.
We’re tired of American Single Moms wanting other people to pay their bills and cover for their poor life decisions.
There was lots of talk about American women and how horrible and entitled they are. Apparently, having the confidence to know that you deserve decent treatment from your partner is a horrible thing. All I can say is that I’m offended on behalf of the foreign women that these men seem to fetishize. By the way, I don’t consider my daughter a poor life decision. She’s one of the best things that’s happened to me. I also don’t expect my husband to pay my bills. We both work and we both contribute to our family’s financial security. In fact, most women work and support themselves, which I think men like this find intimidating. Even when they sneer about females needing financial assistance, they’re really upset because they don’t feel like they have much more to offer a woman.
I could keep going, responding to these disgusting comments. This post could be ten pages long, trying to shout down assholes who are angry that women won’t accept their misogynistic outlook on life. Who knows if it would do me any good.
The thing that all of those people are missing is that women deserve men who are caring, kind and respectful. And men deserve women who are the same. I’m not saying that every female should be treated like a princess by a doting man who will do anything she asks. I’m saying that in a relationship, both sides need to put energy and effort in. Both partners need to be loving and willing to work hard. That doesn’t change because someone has a child. It doesn’t change depending on gender. Good relationships need two people who both feel equally lucky, equally blessed, and equally deserving.
Now, if you really want a woman who feels like she’s less than you, who feels like she isn’t deserving of your love, than I feel sorry for you. That tells me that you must be so in need of confidence that you’ll keep the others around you down, just to make yourself feel bigger and better. If that’s the type of man you are, I hope that you don’t date a single mother. I hope that you don’t date at all. No one should be with someone who isn’t going to respect of value them.