STFU Parents: 5 Birth Pictures That Will Frighten Your Facebook Friends

Happy belated Halloween! For my final installment of “scary” columns in honor of the holiday, I thought about taking the easy way out and putting together a collection of pumpkin-related submissions. There were going to be pumpkin-painted pregnant bellies and pumpkin-painted baby butts and babies stuck inside of carved gourds — all arguably trendy and certainly Halloween-y. But you know what? No.

This holiday has been tempered for years, with decorations and events skewing more “family-friendly” so as to not terrify precious children. So many parents are scared of their kids being scared. It is truly a frightful thing to be the principal of a school that still has a Halloween Day parade, or to be the decorations-loving neighbor of a parent who “doesn’t believe” in” Halloween. Some parents would rather shelter their children from all the scary stuff than teach them to embrace it. That’s understandable, but I’m of the mind that it’s a whole lot more fun to embrace it.

And yet, even though it seems like parents are more concerned than ever about their kids being scared, they don’t seem concerned about terrifying their Facebook friends at all. It’s interesting how this dichotomy plays out. I’ve found that some of the most “offended” helicopter parents are often the same ones who overshare, particularly about big events like childbirth. The chances that a woman who’s offended by a truck decal would post photos of her baby’s birth on Facebook are actually pretty high (hypothetically speaking).

So with that in mind, I’m not taking the easy way out today. I’m not sparing your eyeballs. It’s Halloween week, and this column is going to be scary, dammit. Besides, I always appreciate an opportunity to remind parents that your friends really don’t want to see your birth pics (and that includes your fellow parent friends, too). Trust me. The pictures are beautiful to you, but they’re horrifying to the rest of us. Here are five examples of images that your friends definitely don’t want to see in your Facebook baby album.

1. Fish Eye Lens Perspective

STFU Parents

While I think it’s safe to say that most people are excited to see pictures of a new baby, no one expects to see the baby literally the moment s/he was born. The miracle of childbirth merging with the evolution of technology is both a wonderful and terrifying thing. This is proven on Facebook every single day.

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    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      hahahaha! Placenta art. Oooo boy.

    • katydid0605

      a coat of human skin. best, and most disturbing, line ever

      • katydid0605

        is anyone else thinking “it puts the lotion on its skin..” ?

    • Pashmina64

      #2 is weird…I thought they only looked like coneheads if it was a full-coochy birth 0.o

      • Tinyfaeri

        kudos for the full-coochy birth reference :)

      • AugustW

        My daughter was a serious cone-head and she was a section kid. She “got stuck” down there and they had to pull her back up for an emergency c-section, so she got the benefit of being squished and the fun of being yanked out like a tumor. ;)
        Every nurse who came by asked if she needed Tyenol. lol.

    • Me, myself and I

      I can handle most of the blood and gore I see here, but the placenta preparation is that one that got me. If you want to consume your placenta, awesome, more power to ya. But, I really don’t need to see how it’s done. I really don’t need to see your placenta period. To each their own, I suppose…

      • KatieBug683

        Yeah, I think if any friends of mine on Facebook posted photos like that, they’d be automatically taken off the News Feed or unfriended. That is just too much for me! I still can’t see how anyone can think it’s a good idea. I just…..no.

    • Ellie

      Yikes! I had two babies, and I still would NEVER send this to my friends. But I wouldn’t take pics of these things in the first place either. WTF.

    • Ew and ew again

      Dear God. Our hospital did not allow cameras in the operating room and this is why.

    • grjane

      I wonder if these people who think nothing of posting a picture of their baby’s head popping out of a dissected [living] belly enjoy watching Alien. I’d bet they’d scream and cover their eyes.

    • D.Y.

      I work in surgery and have done alot of nasty ones. But eating the placenta makes me gag. Its considered medical waste for a reason! Why don’t you just make a nice salsa out of the bowel that I just resected? Maybe top it with some skin from the fat flap that I cut off this morning.
      Society, as a whole, is a collective group of assholes who are all trying to out-asshole each other. And these submissions are proof.

      • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

        HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh man, bowel salsa :(

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      I still don’t “get” the placenta eating thing.

      • lea

        And that’s how you know you’re still sane…

    • SAHM73

      Just when I think “Oh, no one would post THAT on Facebook.” Yet there it is, in your column.

    • nobabiesformethanks

      I’ve followed Fright Fest without batting an eye (for the most part) ever since I discovered the blog last year. While I do know to avoid FF posts during breakfast, for the most part, my stomach has remained unturned. But there was something about that newborn covered in white stuff that had me valiantly struggling to control my gag reflex (and winning, thankfully, but it was close!). Perhaps it was the fact that STFUP has trained me to put up with pictures of babies (all of which I find hideous…no offense to mothers and the normal portion of the population that loves babies, but the younger they are, the more disgusting I find ‘em) and pictures of bodily fluids if taken individually. Combine the two, however, and I think I’ll have vodka for lunch today.

      • Julie

        I didn’t even see my own child until after she was clean save for the half of a second where they lifted her up over the screen after taking her out (I had a section). All I can say is, thank goodness for that! I’m not with you on the whole babies not being cute thing, but I agree that babies covered in stuff that came from… inside of me… yeah that’s gross. Also, I really like how your comment is so honest about your opinion without being judgmental, offensive or rude. We need more of that around here, so thanks! :)

    • Nina

      So this might be tmi but I watched myself expel my placenta, I almost threw up, it was so gross to look at, why post that in preparation to be eaten????? Also they handed me my daughter and she was all covered in that junk I almost threw up on her somebody had to take her or I would have. Granted I have a WEAK stomach. But I will admit her getting cleaned up is in an album (marked accordingly) on my FB. My husband posted all those pics and I didn’t see them till after so sometimes it’s the dads not the moms. But know actual giving birth pics. That is too much.

    • justhypatia

      Quite honestly, I find three to be a bit of a non-issue. Yes there’s vernix but some babies are born with it a lot and it can be a couple of days before it all comes off.

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    • RCIAG

      Where are all the haters now?!?! Where are all the “But she’s CHILDLESS!! HOW DARE SHE HAVE AN OPINION ON ANYTHING CHILD RELATED!!”

      I’m guessing they’re praying to the porceline god after Fright Fest & this post!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/mary.renee.reuter Mary Renee Reuter

      oh my god, this had me laughing out loud. I showed one and only one person our birth video, and it was my best friend from highschool (who doesn’t have kids yet).. I will never show it to anyone else again! Haha. Maybe my sister. If she’s pregnant. To scare her.

    • Ashley

      *Barf*

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