As Halloween draws closer, I’m continuing to post some of the weirdest, grossest, and most repulsive submissions I’ve received all year during Fright Fest on STFU, Parents. And much like my column here last week focused on the bizarre trend of “documom-ing,” this week’s column focuses on a posting trend, too — of the poop variety. First, allow me to say that although I’ve posted a few bath poop submissions over the years (and briefly mentioned it in a column here, too), I’ve barely skimmed the surface in terms of posting the total number of submissions that I’ve received. My Bath Poop folder has been consistently clogged since 2010, and today I’m diving in to unearth some of the yuckiest examples from the bunch. Consider it a companion column to this one about the baby constipation posting trend (and please accept my apology in advance).
You see, individually these bath poop submissions don’t amount to much. It’s when they’re grouped together that they form a smelly conglomerate of intrigue (for me, at least). Why do so many parents post about something that is by all accounts completely normal? I understand the desire to share stories and to commiserate with other parents, but on Facebook, posting about bath poop is beyond gross. We’re talking about taking something that’s already unappealing to read about (poop) and incorporating a typically sterile environment (bathtub) to create a murky cesspool of story time drama. And that is pretty much the definition of “parent overshare.” So here’s a tip: If your update involves words like “nuggets,” “floating,” and “soup,” and those words are in reference to poop, you’ve officially gone too far. I don’t want to read about your child’s bath time filth, and today’s column showcases six reasons why.
1. Poop Schedules
Catrina – even with her their/there error – makes a joke here that I appreciate, except I think she might be coming at it from the wrong angle. In 10 years, Facebook will not be like the eight-track of the Internet. It won’t be Friendster, and that’s worth considering. Normally I don’t talk about what will happen when/if kids discover these types of details posted online when they’re older, but in this case I feel it’s important to point out that Facebook isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Also, if I was Samantha’s husband and I read about avoiding my kid’s “ripe” bath poop via Facebook, I’d probably treat myself to a beer after my meeting. If she’s posting about the incident online, there could be pictures (or worse) waiting at home. Especially if she’s friends with people who casually use the term “evening BM” like they’re talking about a ritualistic cup of chamomile tea.
2. Discard Methods Pt. I
LOL “meconium”! Now that is funny! Roza thought the poop water looked like poop, and then she was like, “Oh DUH, it *is* poop!” Haha! Now who wants to stick their hand into her tub to retrieve the goods?!
3. Poop Humor
This submission has so many annoying aspects to it, I feel it’s better to just list them.
1. “RileysMomma” – Why do so many people insist on doing this? We get it, you had a baby, and now your middle name is “momma.” But, since it’s not really your middle name, and no one even puts their middle name on Facebook anyway, why bother? Reading “RileysMomma” makes me think that wherever this woman goes, she’s wearing a name tag that says “Riley’s Momma” so people can engage her about her kid. That’s lame.
2. “Gotta love boys!!!” – Ugh, enough with the “boy” talk. I posted a submission that said “Boys will be boys!” the other day, and it’s now become my mission to understand why EVERYTHING that boys do — from shitting in the bathtub, to playing sports, to “flirting” — has to be labeled “boy stuff.” I don’t get it. So when girls take a dump in the bathtub it’s just gross, but when boys do it it’s gross and “Typical!!!”? Applying gender roles to events as elemental as pooping oneself seems rather dumb.
3. I’m just going to come out and say it: Brittney was asking for trouble when she gave her kid an extra “x” in his name. If I had a superfluous letter in my name I might have diarrhea in the bath, too.
4. The Stench
“The bubbles seperated
to uncover poop soup… it was the most disgusting thing I have encounter as a mom…” ….so I posted the whole story for all of my friends to read on Facebook. Yes, that makes sense. Shout-out to E. for confirming that feces mixed with water smells like, well, horrendous crap.
5. Discard Methods, Pt. II
“Another helpful way to remove poop from the tub is by smashing it down the drain,” said a parenting fool. “It requires more effort, and it could stop up the plumbing and create an awful stench for days, but it is most certainly one half-assed way to do it.”
6. Kid Shaming
I’m not especially concerned about the “kid shaming” phenomenon because it seems like a fad, but I will say that I’m not as amused by jokes like Chelsey’s as some people. I guess maybe I could understand if this was a photo caption in a scrapbook, but posted online it comes across more as, “My kid is a punchline,” and less, “My kid will get a kick out of this embarrassing caption when he’s older.” Why not just post the cute picture and leave it as is? It’s like Chelsey deliberately stunk up this image as a joke, and all it did was cause George to make an even grosser joke. “Little brown fish”? Ew. It’s a bathtub, George, not a poop aquarium.