• Sat, Oct 13 - 10:51 am ET

Jessica Ridgeway’s Story Ends In Tragedy, & Her Mother Doesn’t Need Your Sanctimony

deathA week ago today I wrote about a missing 10-year-old girl in Colorado, Jessica Ridgeway. This young girl was abducted on her walk to the park three blocks away from her home, where she normally meets up with neighborhood friends and finishes out the trip to school. When it was discovered that Jessica was missing, her entire town of Westminster seemed to mobilize to search for their missing little girl. Unfortunately, the search unearthed a body, and the police have finally confirmed that it was the body of Jessica. Hearing this sad news made me want to revisit some comments about this tragedy, and address those whose first instinct was to blame the mother involved, not the murderer who took this little girl’s life.

From the very beginning of the news coverage, Jessica’s mother has taken center stage in the conversation. Jessica’s mom works an overnight shift, so she gets home shortly before Jessica leaves for school. When the school first called to report that the young girl hadn’t made it to school, Jessica’s mom didn’t get the message because she was sleeping. Because of this, the search didn’t commence until the mother had woken up and informed the police later in the evening. I don’t know Jessica’s mother, but I have a feeling that none of us need to get Holier-than-thou about this fact. Even though nothing about this tragedy was Jessica’s mother’s fault, I’m sure she’ll be struggling with the fact that she slept through that message for quite a while.

The focus always should have been on the young girl and the monster who took her. Unfortunately, people just can’t help but kick a mother when she’s down. From our own comments on the story, one person wrote all about how this mom apparently failed her daughter.

Why didn’t the girl’s mother just walk her daughter the 3 blocks up to the park to meet with the school friends? She was already home from work so she could have easily done so. Secondly, with her daughter walking to school, I’m surprised the mother did not make it a habit to call the school every morning to make sure her daughter had actually arrived at school. I’m sure the mother was tired after working all night, but if she had just taken a few simple steps like 1) walking her daughter the 3 blocks up to the park to meet with her school friends, and/or 2) making it a habit to call the school to make sure her daughter had actually made it to school, her daughter probably would not be missing. The mom dropped the ball.

First, I would like to point out that a couple of our own commenters took this person to task for their blaming and misplaced anger. “Lawcat” and “Another Steph” both deserve a round of applause for pointing out that the mother isn’t the criminal here.

Listen, I’m the one who freaks out about a kid playing in the street, as we’ve already discussed. I’m the person who thinks that young kids should be supervised if they’re going to play near the road. Even I think saying that a 10-year-old should be walked three blocks every day with an escort is insane. Suggesting a mother call the school to make sure the child got there is close to lunacy.

Once again, that line of thinking places the focus and the blame far away from where it should actually be targeted. This is not a case of a mother not taking care of her daughter. This is the case of a monster abducting a child off the street. Our anger, our blame, it should all go t the person capable of killing an innocent child. That is where it’s deserved.

I think that blaming the mother for a situation like this is a coping mechanism. I think it makes parents feel safer to say, “The mom dropped the ball.” Then you can delude yourself into believing that there is some way to protect your child. You won’t drop the ball and they’ll be safe from the horrors of the world. I understand the natural instinct there, but it’s still wrong. It’s the same principle behind any type of victim-blaming.

The fact is, this is a horrible thing that happened. Hopefully, Jessica Ridgeway’s killer will be found and brought to justice. We’ll be sending our thoughts and prayers to family and community of Westminster in this difficult time. One thing no one needs though is sanctimony thrown at a grieving mother.

(Photo: Willem Havenaar/Shutterstock)

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  • bb

    I just read that Jessica’s school sent out a letter on september 13th, warning parents of
    “stranger danger” /previous attempts of a stranger to lead students into their car? …and somehow the mom has responsibility to protect her child and heed the school warnings? I can only say what I would do, and that is to drive or walk with my daughter to school. Especially if the school has sent two letters home. There is just no excuse to take a hands off approach such as this to parenting. The sicko who did this is certainly to blame but parents should do everything in their power to protect their children.

    • Cee

      How did it go from one letter to two? Adding Nancy Grace styled dramatics?
      Mothers just cant help themselves when it comes to judging other mothers can they (yet they claim they are the happiest)? I’m almost surprised you didnt say “this is why Im a SAHM”
      When you are not in the situation you can always say what you would do because its so EASY to say it in the comfort of your own home while your kid plays in the padded room with only the safest toys in the world, inside his plastic bubble. The thing is, things are going to happen. She works, you know to provide her child with food and shelter, and could have given her child a discussion on stranger danger and what to do when that letter (or two now) arrived.
      A creeper could take a child from their own home while everyone is sleeping and what can you say then? “I would have built a fort”?

    • alice

      really bb? i just read the letter sent out to parents. i’ve included half of it below. notice that it stresses to EDUCATE your children about stranger danger, not to lock them indoors. i don’t think that any parent read that letter and just crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash. but according to you, the “good” parental response to that letter is to put your children under house arrest, with 24/7 bodyguard supervision? when would that end?

      i understand where you’re coming from; a child is dead and people want to make sense of it. but keep in mind that hindsight is indeed 20/20. You may believe in your heart that you’re doing “everything in your power to protect your child,” but you cannot control the universe, nor tragic twists of fate, including the will of sick and evil minds. you can protect, prepare, and educate you kids. and then i guess you can just pray [that that was enough]. but you can’t lock them up to keep them safe.

      excerpt from letter sent to parents:

      “We want you to know that student safety is always our top
      priority and this event reminds us of the importance of talking with
      your child about stranger danger.
      Reinforce safe behaviors with your child and tell them to always be aware of their surroundings.
      If
      a stranger approaches your child, whether it is at school or outside of
      school, be sure that your child knows what to do: yell or shout, run
      away and immediately tell an adult. Stress to your child the importance
      of going straight to school and coming home immediately after
      dismissal, or leaving the bus stop.
      Remind your child
      that if he/she sees anything suspicious around the neighborhood or
      school, they need to immediately contact the police department and
      notify the school.”

    • suz

      It seems like people are assuming that she willingly went with someone. But, it would be very easy for an adult to stop a car, grab a ten year old and get them in a car and subdue them. We have no way of knowing that she had any warning or time to react.

    • Blooming_babies

      Yes, three weeks earlier the school sent home a letter. My school also sent a letter like that when I was ten, I had no school bus and my parents did not walk or drive me to school. Amazingly I’m still alive. Your child can be anywhere and be targeted by a monster. Horrible things happen every day. Your comments lead me to beleive that you feel you are so perfect that it will never happen to you. That’s very simply ridiculous, no one is capable of being that vigilant.

    • slocean

      yeah my daughter is 10 and she walks a 1/2 mile home from school every day. she has a gps tracker on her cell phone. she knows not to get in the car with anyone. she knows to hide in someones yard if something is wrong. she knows how to call 911. and i trust her to do it. (as i type this she’s outside playing in our front yard and i’m not concerned at all) I am a pretty hands off parent and it works for us.
      you are exactly who the article was written for. please feel free to be ashamed of judging this mom with hate while she is burying her daughter.

    • Justme

      You need to reread the article. I think you *might* be the very same type of person that the author is railing against.

  • Victoria

    This was a well done, compassionate article. I think the people who attack the mom are probably trying to find a simple, easy cause and effect: bad mom+unescorted child=obvious tragedy. It would be more scary for them to admit that a deeply exhausted working mother has taught her child independence, sleeps, and for no lucid reason tragedy strikes out of the blue. Keeping a leash on your preteen, calling the school every day…this isn’t good parenting. I really hope the predator is found, and that the mom gets the therapy she’ll definitely need to untangle herself from the guilt.

  • slocean

    the sad thing is…the little girl probably knew her killer.i refuse to blame the mother unless evidence points in that direction. this situation is something no parent should ever have to go through…

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Guerrilla Mom

    Thank you for this article. This poor woman is burying her daughter, and will no doubt torture herself everyday for what happened. I can’t even imagine the hell that she is going through – no mother should have to experience that. Any response but sympathy and compassion is just unfathomable to me.

  • yveselise

    Wonderful article, thank you. That’s it, people want to believe it can’t happen to them (or their kids). So, by making the parent of a kidnapped and murdered “different” from you, you have a way to protect yourself and your own kids. You think kids are only snatched from parents who are in Group A. I am in Group B, so my kid can’t be taken. It’s ludicrous thinking, but that’s just the way the human mind likes to work.

  • stewart_nyc

    Thank you for this article. Let’s let this woman grieve and place the blame where it belongs, on the criminal who murdered her.

  • LiteBrite

    “I think that blaming the mother for a situation like this is a coping
    mechanism. I think it makes parents feel safer to say, “The mom dropped
    the ball.”

    I agree. It’s much easier to say “Oh Mom dropped the ball, and **I** wouldn’t do that so I’m okay” rather than admit the albeit uneasy fact that bad people are out there doing bad things and there really isn’t a whole lot we can do to stop that. Frankly, we all can sit here in our smug little houses and say what we would do differently (And I see someone here just couldn’t resist. Did they miss the point of this article?), but no matter how much we proclaim that we’re “better” because we’re different, the reality is that the same thing could happen to us.

    My heart goes out to this mother. I am positive the guilt and blame she puts on herself is more overwhelming than anything anyone else throws at her.

    • JannaM

      There’s actual a name for it. It’s called the “Just World” syndrome.

  • Tinyfaeri

    That poor woman. Blaming the mother is ridiculous. Suggesting that 10 year olds can’t walk 3 blocks, or even a mile, is ridiculous. Saying the mother should call the school every day to make sure her child got there is crazy and beyond over-protective.
    The world is not more dangerous now than it was when I was 10 in 1990, and I was the 10 year old kid walking a mile to get to school (through isolated areas in a suburb of a major city no less). We just a) hear about it in more gory details when something does happen because the news media in this country is pretty morbid and there is better circulation of stories than there was 20 years ago, and b) watch more TV shows about serial killers and predators because they’re all over the place.

  • Another Steph

    I may be reading erroneously between the lines here, but I’m assuming that Jessica’s mother worked the night shift out of necessity. That’s what made me so angry about the comment on the other article – in a perfect world, every mother would both have access to and be able to survive on a nice little school-hours job, but that’s not the case for so many.
    And like LiteBrite said, I’m sure that this poor woman will blame herself for the rest of her life. Everything about this is effed up.

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  • disqus_QJeZFhINgr

    I have to say I am amazed at the responses here.First,I doubt that any mother here does not feel sick to their stomach about this situation. My heart broke when I heard the news..as a mommy, a nanny and a human being. My heart broke for mom and Jessica’s family & friends. That said,I agree you cannot keep your children in a “safe bubble” 24/7,however,with the internet,social media and all around super information highways that bring tragic news to our nation on a weekly basis about children missing,killed,abducted or raped..it is our job to protect and keep our children out of harms way. Yes, I agree with the posts the although sarcastic and redundant that states”what are you going to do then,build a fort?” or something similar…but reality is…if you CAN be there for your 10 yr old child…why wouldn’t you? In a candy-filled world w/rose colored glasses she could walk to school alone..unfortunately,that world does not exist.I am sorry that it doesn’t.but that is a reality that parents need to face.I too work the night shift. 60 hrs a week as a nanny 9pm-7am..I get home at 8am and am out the door at 805,walking my children the 2 blks to school. I am exhausted. When I nap…my phone is right next to my pillow in case the school needs me..in case my children need me.I know I will take a lot of heat for this post. That is okay. While I cried over Jessica and held my children, I could not help feeling angry that a parent would intentionally lv their phone in another room “so there sleep would be undisturbed”..I have prayed that Jessica’s family,especially her mother find peace through all of this someday..but that does not mean I think what she did was okay.If you can be there for your children…do it!! If you can’t…then you can’t. But that was NOT the case here. This could have been prevented..a simple walk/drive w/our children on the way to school is not going to scar them or prevent them from becoming independent or growing into young teens/adults..it will just ensure that they do!!

    • JannaM

      The problem is: where does the blame end?
      • What if her phone rings all the time during the day and she has no choice but to shut off the ringer or leave the phone in another room? Is she a bad mom for needing sleep to function?
      • What if she’d had her phone next to her, but just didn’t hear it? Is she a bad mom then?
      • What if she took her daughter to meet her friends (that she walks to school with every day) at the park, and she was abducted AFTER that? Still a bad mom?
      • And while we’re on the subject, how old is old enough to walk to school alone, according to you? Is it 12? 15? 18? What happens if your child is abducted the day AFTER you’ve decided they’re old enough? Does that make you a bad mom?

    • Another Steph

      Additionally, reports in the media are not an accurate depiction of real life. You’re never going to read about the millions of children who walk to school without incident every single day – only the one who, tragically, didn’t make it.

    • WinWin

      Well said! I would like to see disqus_QJeZFhINgr answer your questions. Especially the last one. What is she going to do if something happens to her 21 year old kid because the kid was living alone? Would she consider herslef a bad mom for having let her kid move out?

    • LiteBrite

      I don’t know why you’re “amazed” at the responses here. I thought the title and point of the article was pretty clear, and nowhere did I read “Let’s enumerate the ways Jessica Ridgeway’s mother failed as a parent.”

      Yes, I agree we need to keep our kids safe; however, the level we are willing to put into that safety will vary with parents. The fact that you choose to put in a higher amount of effort does not make you a better or worse parent; it just makes you different.

      And yes, I agree that maybe if Jessica’s mother had chosen to walk with her child to school every day this wouldn’t have happened. Then again, maybe it still would have because frankly none of us, including you, knows who did this or what exactly happened.

      A mother has lost a child in a horrific way, and I’m not going to get on my high horse and list all the ways this mother “failed” because it’s not going to make a damn bit of difference. We could spend all day listing the things Jessica Ridgeway’s mother did “wrong”, but it’s not going to change what happened. All it will do is serve to make us feel safer and better about ourselves.

      And that was the point of the article.

    • Kel

      Oh okay–so you advocate driving a kid to school.

      …Which do you think is statistically more likely: a child being abducted while walking home from school, or a child being killed in a car accident?

      (psst–it’s being killed in a car accident, if you need a little help)

      So you advocate the riskier behavior, it appears. Some mother YOU are.

      You really strike me as a mean person.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shelly-Lloyd/826469442 Shelly Lloyd

    I’m trying to imagine a parent who thinks it is ok for every parent to call the school every day and check to make sure their child showed up to school. Could you imagine that poor over worked school secretary trying to field the 500+ calls every day from the parents to make sure little Betty/Bobby made it to class.

    • Leigha7

      I was going to say the same thing. I give it a week, tops, before the secretary tells them to just stop freaking calling already, their kid’ll be fine.

  • Shea

    I agree 100%! This mother was working all night to provide for her child, not out all night partying and being a neglectful parent. Shame on any one who blames her. What a terrible thing she’s going through. I can’t imagine how much guilt she must already be feeling for sleeping through those missed phone calls. It’s not her fault AT ALL. It is the fault of the disgusting predator that took her sweet little girl.

  • Paul

    I’m not yet a parent, but…
    I rode my bike to school when I lived in a city. When we moved to a rural area, I walked to a bus stop. Most of my friends did as well.

    This isn’t uncommon; plenty of kids do it daily. People whose folks work opposite shifts to save on child care (my wife and I will, starting in about 8 weeks after my son’s born). People who work night shifts because they pay better to put food on the table.

    Not everyone’s life is a bed of roses, and people need to seriously butt the hell out with the judging. I know no one that does night shifts because they just love them.

    • antiwoody2347

      Dear Paul,
      If this is your first child, I hope you will consider the mathematics of the route it sounds like you are taking if this is the scenario that is yours. If you and your wife are at present, and would be after the babies birth–W-2 wage earners with less than a $150,000 joint income you will in pretty much every US state be paying between 38-39% of every penny you two bring home in the state and federal taxes. If one of you makes 60% and one of you earns about 40% of the income then one of you is only potentially bringing home 1-2% of your gross pay line on your stub. If this is something like the situation–it is never financially at all worth it to have mom away from the baby and then there are all the other family considerations that historically just make it better if she is there for you and the baby. If the wife has to keep herself in nicer clothing and pantyhose to work–you will be really in the red on her income if she is the slightly lesser earner. If you have to have two cars–forget it entirely–(possibly heavy debts and bankruptcy could loom) and extreme statistical likelihood of divorce from the stress is so real I hope you guys will really push a pencil over what is coming your way. Bless you all in the pregnancy and birth process and journey into parenting, a sacred time.

    • Lindsay Cross

      Dear antiwoody2347,
      Please do not use these comment boards to try to make decisions for other people about how they live their lives, especially when it has nothing to do with the post at all. I’m sure Paul and his wife are completely capable of making decisions about their personal work life balance. If you want to advocate for women staying at home, do it on your own space or at least on a piece that’s related to that topic. Thank you.

    • antiwoody2347

      You are a pitiful creature to respond to a comment to someone else…especially to respond incorrectly. He put it in his post so it was his partial topic–who cares about the article itself but other articles about this tragedy outline that the family is a divorced one, dad had/has some serious domestic behavior problems now with his present situation in Missouri that have had him in trouble with the law where he lives. The bereaved mom works hard at a night job to take care of her child’s needs apparently mostly or totally on her own powers.

      No one can make a decision for anyone else but you can tell people the facts of a financial reality to let them know there is a plain and simple self-flagellating flaw in a plan they may be about to implement. There are just too many people slaving away today who have been cheated by their “public education” so they don’t even realize the mathematics of the situation they are in at the time. That simple explanation of the tax situation has helped many people figure out how to live on one income once they had it down on paper in front of them. Under 150K $$ of W-2 wages for two incomes isn’t sensible–one of you is working for nothing or less than nothing and likely just adding debt on a yearly basis. If you do a simple spreadsheet of their expenses it widens their eyes even more–they sometimes need to make a few other simple changes to their lives to it but then they are ALL are happier, have less debts/work to get out of debt and things in life are just a lot smoother. If you don’t know this push a pencil over it and wake yourself up…

    • alainnanam

      You don’t seem to have given any consideration to the idea that 1.) Paul could just as easily stay home with the baby while the wife works or 2.) It isn’t the 1950′s anymore and that most women have life goals outside of procreation. A spouse, no matter if it is the wife or the husband, is not a monthly bill or a servant to have at your beck and call. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Although everyone is entitled to an opinion, your dated views have nothing to do with this article or the horrible tragedy this poor family is experiencing. Shame on you for attempting to use the horrific crime committed against this little girl to push your personal agenda.

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  • Monda

    I Don’t See Anything Wrong With Walking A Ten Yr Old 3 Blocks. If More People Did The Li’l Things That Are Considered “Insane” “Lunacy” We’d Have Less Of These Tragedies. We Jus’ Don’t Live In A World Where Children Are Safe To Be Children. Keep Thinkin’ The Way You Do And You’ll All Be Meeting Here For The Same Reason Again And Again. This Happens To Children Of Both Genders And Of All Ages. I’m So Sick Of These Horrible Stories. I Can’t Imagine What That Poor Child Went Through. Poor Baby.

    • http://www.facebook.com/RetiredSceneQueen Emmali Lucia

      Did you know that Children are actually safer than they were in the 70s and 80s?

      Safer from strangers at least, it’s the family members and their lovers that are now far more dangerous than any shadowy figure you like to pretend is lurking around every corner.