• Fri, Oct 12 2012

Courtney Stodden Has To Go ‘Pee Pee’ And Calls Her Husband ‘Dad’

At Mommyish, I’m really hoping that one day we have awards for things like “Creepiest Headline” because I’ve totally nailed it with this one. I’m hoping this gets me a tiara and a sash and a gigantic trophy I can put on my mantle. We also aren’t supposed to judge at Mommyish, but I break this rule all the time because judging is fun and how can we not judge the creeptastic dynamic between Courtney Stodden and her cradle-robbing creepy husband Doug Hutchison? I may not call Courtney a slut, but I sure as hell am not above being totally grossed out by the “marriage” between her and her husband.

So, let’s recap. I wasn’t aware that Doug is older than Courtney’s father. I have to give props to therapist Dr. Jenn Berman for pointing out how this men dating and marrying women young enough to be their daughters isn’t a new thing. Courtney is a bunny. She is a bunny in some weird boa-lined playsuit which looks impossible to pee in. Courtney has the weirdest laugh ever. Doug complains that going out in public with Courtney is “exhausting” because she gets so much attention. Or maybe because he is 52-years-old. I’m ten years younger than him and I’m always exhausted. Courtney isn’t exhausted. She is rolling around on a video and referring to herself as “Hello Courtney” like Hello Kitty, and I’m glad she pointed this out because I though she looked like she was wearing football player grease and a giant pink bow. Until she started drinking out of a food bowl. On the floor. Courtney is a better cat than my cat because nowhere in this video does she then puke giant fur balls mixed with digested cat food on the floor. But she does spit something out of her mouth, at the 2.18 mark. What the hell is that? Gum? Cotton balls? A giant wad of spit? We may never know.

Courtney uses the word “provocateur” to describe herself and Doug tells her “Wow, that’s a big word honey!” and I totally wait for him to peel a gold star off a sticker sheet or else promise her McDonalds but when that doesn’t happen Courtney explains how she sometimes calls Doug “Dad” on accident and he exclaims that he is “raising his wife.” Awww. And Ewwww. Then they talk about how they met via Doug’s “online acting workshop” which is totally hilarious, and I think we have found our way to make extra Christmas money ya’ll. You guys can totally sign up for my online parenting workshop and it will be like Lenore’s after-school program. You guys pay me, log on your computers, and play World Of Warcraft for a few hours or something.

Then Doug reveals the incredible shocker that their marriage caused a lot of controversy and publicity, which I’m sure never crossed their minds when they fell in love. They just assumed that everyone would be cool with the 51-year-old guy marrying the 16-year-old. Doug talks about how he received death threats and his agent dropped him and how his brother and mother disowned him.

Courtney wears some absurd plastic stilettos from Strippers ‘R Us and says she is like a “strong Barbie doll.” And then, in one of the creepiest segments, Dad Doug asks her if she “has to go potty?” And Courtney says she has to go “pee pee” and I throw up in my mouth and Dr. Jenn says she doesn’t think any 16-year-old should get married. Dr. Jenn is really pretty you guys. She has very nice eyebrows. Then Courtney and Doug meet the resident counselor Rachel Clark who looks terribly disturbed by everything, mainly because Courtney has to sex up every question by answering questions like “Who likes to cook?” all sexily and Courtney is all sexy sexy sex sex. Rachel Clark is just like me because she is trying “really, really hard not to judge.” I feel ya, sister.

Couple’s Therapy is not making me understand Courtney or Doug and it isn’t making me feel bad for them or get on their team. I mainly just feel like Courtney still needs to divorce her husband and go to college and therapy and then to more therapy. I hope by this time next year VH1 has a new show on entitled “Courtney On Her Own” which shows Courtney all divorced and not rolling around on the floor and receiving therapy from Dr. Jenn Berman and enrolling in community college or working with underage girls in need or something. I’m going to set my DVR just in case.

(photo: VH1)

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  • Maggie

    This is one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read on Mommyish. Well done, Eve! You really should get an award for that headline.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Yes Maggie! Thank you. I just really, really want an award

  • chomps

    I was looking at past articles about Courtney Stodden, and the claim that she was in Miss Teen USA is false. Wkipedia does not list her name in the 2009, 2010, or 2011 pageants, so she very well could be older than she claims. I would rather that be the case by far,