I’m so sick of the whole stupid yummy mummy thing. I’m tired of the MILFs and their never-ending pilates regimes and celebrities who still look like celebrities after pushing an 8 pound baby out of their Brazilian-waxed vaginas. I’m sick of “experts” telling us how we can get our post-baby bodies back and advertisements that tell us how to look younger. I’m sorry Rebecca, but I have decided to bring frumpy back.

Remember moms? Like mom moms? You may have had one or known one when you were growing up. Moms who got their hair permed or who had it cut in sensible bobs. Moms who wore sneakers, and not for going to a Zumba class. Moms who wore cardigans and flats and mom jeans! Mom jeans! Comfy, high-waisted, loose-fitting mom jeans that you could wear without worrying the zipper would bust open while you were eating a cookie at your kid’s school bake sale that you baked yourself while wearing your mom jeans! Holiday sweaters. Sweatshirts with kittens on them, sometimes with rhinestones and/or sequins. That shit was made for moms! I’m sick of having to be hot. I’m sick of getting my hair highlighted and buying face creams that cost more than my cable bill and wearing heels and reading those bullshit articles with headlines like “How To Look Fabulous After Forty!”  No, don’t you dare click on that! I’m sick of lingerie. What normal woman who has given birth has to shove her fat ass into a tight-fitting corset? I want a pair of flannel pajamas. Hopefully with kittens on them.

We need to stop the madness you guys. When do we get to finally look old? Why is looking old such a bad thing? When did we, as a culture, decide that women have to look forever hot and f-able? Can’t we leave that to the twenty-one-year-olds? Why can’t we wear clogs? Why can’t I buy a jar of Pond’s face cream and a tracksuit and throw away my eyeliner and fill my makeup bag with lasagna recipes cut out from old copies of Family Circle I find in my dentist’s office? You guys, I don’t even have a recipe folder. I have spent too much time worrying about accessorizing to minimize my laugh lines and not enough time reading about casseroles.

The most popular daytime talk show segments always involve some poor, unsuspecting mom who gets an “ambush” makeover where some asshole host throws out her sweatsuits and forces her to cut her hair and wear lip liner. Maybe this mom didn’t want a makeover. Maybe she was busy raising children or working on a cure for cancer when you interrupted her with your flat irons and your Spanx. As women, do we always have to walk around giving men erections? Why is this our job? Can’t we just decide to be comfortable and not worry about our magical erection causing abilities and be as frumpy as we wanna?

When I was growing up my mom looked “attractive” but she looked like a mom. She had a lap. A lap that I could snuggle on. When did laps get to be over?  For the love of mom jeans, we need to bring back laps. I’m bringing frumpy back. You all are welcome to join me. We can start an entire revolution of moms who look like moms look in catalogues that sell us kitten sweatshirts and coupon binders. We can spend all the money we blow on makeup and skinny jeans and blow-outs on expensive cheese and things we actually need, like booze.

I know there isn’t some weird law that says I can’t look how I want and that if I did decide to give up any semblance of attractiveness that the hot MILF mom police will arrest me and take away my birthday. I just don’t want to do this alone. You know you want to join my frumpy revolution. You know you are sick and tired of things like looking hot and watching what you eat and not using a hair scrunchie. We can totally revolt together.  It will involve flannel shirts and sensible shoes and mom jeans! Just don’t tell my husband, I want to surprise him with my new kitten sweatshirt.

(photo:  Tubol Evgeniya/Shutterstock)