• Mon, Oct 1 2012

I Judged My Mom For Staying With My Cheating Dad, But I Would Now Do The Same

cheating dadI grew up hiding in the hall when my dad would sneak home late at night. I lay in bed and heard my parents argue. I caught my mom crying in the bathroom, at the stove and whenever she thought we weren’t looking. And there were a few weeks, when I was eight, when my dad left on a “really long trip” as my mom called it. Years later, my dad again left. But this time it wasn’t under the guise of work. We were grown, so this time he used the word “divorce.”

After a tumultuous summer, my parents got back together. Sometimes, I feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting for the cycle to happen again. Because their marriage has been like this for over 30 years—a back and forth dance of happiness and heartbreak, adultery and absolution. “Break up or shut up,” I once yelled at my father when he told me he wanted to leave my mother, again.

As I grew older, I scoffed at my mother’s decision to keep her marriage intact. In college, newly enraged with my newfound feminism, I confronted my mother about her relationship. “You should leave him,” I said.

She responded: “You love your father too much for me to do that.”

“Well,” I snapped, “that hasn’t stopped him.” My mother walked away.

A year later, when my husband and I got engaged, I immediately approached him with my demands. I was the daughter of a lawyer after all. I knew how to drive a deal. One evening, before we sat down to plan our wedding, I laid out the terms of our marriage contract: House work would be 50/50, he had to be fine with no more than one kid, and adultery and abuse were automatic dealbreakers. Jail would be assessed on a case-by-case basis. Dave laughed at the earnestness of my demands, but he agreed. The negotiations were simple. Adultery and abuse were dealbreakers for him too, but not for the same reasons. Dave had been raised in a religious household, where trust and faith were important virtues. For my husband, the worst thing I could do was break his trust and that’s what he saw adultery as the ultimate betrayal.

Not long after Dave and I hammered out our marriage contract, I again asked my mother about her marriage. We were cleaning my kitchen. She was at the sink, clinking cups in soapy water. I shoved dishes into a haphazard stack. “Why,” I wanted to know, “why didn’t you leave him when he cheated?”

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • LiteBrite

    My father also cheated on my mom, well, twice actually. Once was when my sister and I were young (my other two siblings not even a gleam in my parents’ eyes yet), and then when we were much older (I was in college). They did divorce, but adultery wasn’t the only reason. Frankly, their marriage was over before it even started.

    I’ve forgiven my dad, and I think, so has my mom. We’ve all moved on. However, my husband and I have discussed how we would handle adultery. For him, it’s a deal-breaker, for the same reasons your husband stated. Although not religious, my husband puts a lot of emphasis on the trust part of our marriage vows. I do too, but I think I would be a lot more willing to forgive HIM than he would me, although that depends a lot on the actual circumstances of the affair.

    I know some people would say that the fact we’re even talking about this shows a distrust in the marriage. I disagree. I trust my husband completely and he does me. I have absolutely no desire to cheat on him. (I’ve even said that if I ever got married again I would feel sorry for my second husband because I would forever compare him to DH and 2nd husband would forever come up short!) But I think it’s important to think about where you stand on this, especially if you have kids. I think much of the reason why my parents stayed together was because of us, and that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

  • kmf

    Proofreaders? Editors?

    • alice

      Seriously, my first thought exactly. Grammar and punctuation errors can be tolerated to an extent, but when the first sentence is “I grew up hiding in the hall my dad sneak home late at night” I don’t know how anyone can continue reading. Does mommyish have any standards?

    • kmf

      Exactly. Honestly – the first sentence! I can overlook typos, but this was hard to read.

    • http://www.facebook.com/melski.madness Melanie Pearson

      two pages and all you people can focus on is the punctuation and grammar!! haha

    • alice

      so close! we got the first sentence edited (great success!) but it’s still wrong! oh boy. “I grew up hiding in the hall when my dad sneak home late at night.”

      ps: melanie: it’s not that we’re all being prigs here; it’s that the article is difficult to read with grammar errors, verb tense confusion, pronoun confusion, ambiguous punctuation, run ons, and spontaneous tense shifts.

      not everyone is a writer, but those who publish articles on a well-read website are presumed to be.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Same here. I know we all have brain-farts but if you’re going to post on a major blog where it will be read by millions of people, then do some proofreading.

  • http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean

    I think this is a good message about not judging anyone until you’ve been in their shoes. That lesson would make a lot of parenting issues, including two that Mommyish covers frequently slut-shaming and the mommy wars a moot point. I stayed when my ex husband cheated on me for another 4 years and I would never make that mistake again. But it was only a mistake for me, it might not be for another person in a different relationship. I would never judge because it’s not my place and honestly, judgmental people suck.

  • Sasha

    Two things jumped to mind while reading this:
    1. It’s really, truly rude and ignorant to say “daughters need fathers”. Just go ahead and spit into the faces of single mothers and lesbian couples, why don’t you, because you’re outright saying they aren’t doing their daughters justice and frankly that whole idea is outdated, misguided, and plain stupid.
    2. Mommyish needs an editor for these articles like a heart needs a beat. This article is so choked with grammatical errors that it borders unreadable.

    • http://www.facebook.com/melski.madness Melanie Pearson

      you must not be one of those people that can read the optical illusions where the letters are scrambled except the first and last letter hahaha for you to pass judgement on this article because you think that that’s what she meant by that then you are just as bad as the people that really believe that

    • alice

      exactly. i perceive the author’s children as being very young right now.

      everyone
      in relationships holds their own spectrum of “grievousness” – a
      cheating kiss could be forgivable, but sex is not; verbal abuse could be
      tolerated but physical never; loveless marriage is okay as long as he
      loves the kids; etc.

      this spectrum is personal and shifting.
      right now, the author’s children are presumable young, and “he’s so good
      with the kids” is a conceivable justification for staying with an
      adulterous husband. but would that justification still hold when the
      kids are older? if the adultery is continued? “my teenage boys see my
      husband as a philandering womanizer who doesn’t respect his wife” vs
      “he’s such a great father to them though”

      of the endless compromises and sacrifices you must make for your children, your self respect should never be one of them.

    • lyzl

      So true. I think my perspective will change and you bring up good questions about self-respect. But I don’t think it’s sacrificing self-respect to try and make a marriage work even after adultery. But in some cases it could be….

  • C.J.

    It is hard to really know what we would do in any situation unless/until we are in that situation. It is also very easy and natural for children and young people to judge their parents especially when there are issues in the home. It is good that you were able to let it go as an adult so that what happened when you were a child doesn’t come between you and your husband or you and your parents now.

    • lyzl

      Thanks. I think you are spot on. It’s a matter of letting go of baggage and reevaluating my situation. I know I might change my mind and I’m open to that, but judging my parents and others isn’t my position. And I think I can safely say I’m over that, or at least in this area.

  • meteor_echo

    You know what? This is so full of shit that I want to throw up.
    My father was an abusive jerk. He bullied my mother into giving birth to me, despite her not wanting kids. He screamed at her daily for years. He ended up terrorizing everyone, and threatening to throw me out or kill me. My mother stayed with him “because I needed a father”, but I dreamed about their divorce since I was 7 or 8.
    They didn’t divorce. Instead they kept torturing each other, until I tried overdosing on pills. I was 13. I wanted to do it not because I wanted to leave it all, but because I wanted him to understand what he had done, that he was never welcome here, that everyone hated him and that I did not need a father like that.
    They separated when I was 16.
    Well, it’s up to you to realize that, if your husband cheats, and you stay, your daughter will pick it all up. Kids are smarter than you think. They listen. They understand the things that you want to hide from them. So, if that happens and you stay, don’t be surprised when your daughter calls either of her parents out on their bullshit. And believe me, she might.
    /cool story, sis

    • Selahmarie11

      She didn’t say her father was abusive, she said he cheated. Those are two VERY different things. You definitely had a messed up childhood, but that doesn’t mean that anyone who chooses to forgive and forget is “full of shit” or going to ruin their kids.

    • meteor_echo

      It means that the kid will see the crying mommy and the asshole daddy who sneaks out on her. What a wonderful “family” it will be. If I knew as a kid that my father was cheating on my mother, I’d tell him to stop or I wouldn’t talk to him again… or I would just do that. To me, people who stay with the repetitive cheater just have no self-respect and are behavioral enablers.

    • LiteBrite

      “Kids are smarter than you think.”

      Oh yeah they are. Even at young ages, we knew our parents were unhappy. They weren’t screamers, they weren’t abusive, and they rarely out-in-out fought in front of us (sarcasm was their weapon of choice). They tried their damnedest to hide it from us, but c’mon. You could see from the moon how broken their marriage was. I think there are very few people who can hide their unhappiness from their kids. I’ve yet to meet one person who came from a broken-marriage family that has said, “I had no idea how unhappy my parents were.”

      Would we have been better off with our parents divorced? I’ve asked myself that question many times and haven’t come up with a definitive answer. Our situation was far less extreme than yours though, which is why it’s harder for me to answer.

    • meteor_echo

      Exactly. Kids pick up certain emotional cues very, very fast and they are able to analyze those cues. And it is heartbreaking to realize that your parents are basically lying to you, saying that everything is okay, when you just KNOW it isn’t. It’s terrifying, too – knowing that even your parents, the people who you turn to when you feel bad, lie to you. I would not wish that on my enemy, and this is why I think that the whole “the child needs both parents, no matter how lousy they are” idea is outright harmful.

  • WhatWouldMommyWear

    “There are more hearts on the line than my own. ” Never were there truer words spoken. I got married, had three kids, was cheated on repeatedly, left, been remarried and have another child. I see that they (the older three children from my first marriage) never truly moved on, even after I have and found a personal happy ending…it’s marred by their pain and confusion.

    • alice

      do you blame yourself for this though? do you think they would’ve been better off growing up witnessing their father repeatedly sneak around on you? what lessons would that teach them?

      this is not your fault.

  • lala

    I just think that if you stay with your husband or boyfriend when he cheats, and your daughter sees it, she might think cheating is okay. It’s not okay, it’s a betrayal, and it shows a sort of spinelessness in the person who stays with a cheater. I was lucky enough to have parents who have been happily married (for the most part) for 35 years – no infidelities that I’m aware of. My dad did have major anger management problems for years though, and my mom held on for dear life. I wanted them to divorce and get it over with, but when I started acting out a TON as a teenager they came together to help fix me and they’ve been golden ever since. Unfortunately, I find myself clinging to relationships where the guy isn’t treating me right – in fact where he reminds me of my dad back then. I just got out of one that lasted 2 years, and I have made a vow to myself to never go there again. I think that girls mirror what their moms do, whether or not it’s intentional. Does any mom want to see her daughter staying with men who habitually cheat on her? No, I don’t think so. Just something to think about. Also, seriously please get an editor. I’ll do it! =) haha

    • lyzl

      Except, you forget, I was raised by parents who tried to make it work through adultery and not once did I ever think that cheating was okay.

    • Right, and not once did I think the way my father treated my mother was okay. I said, “I think that girls mirror what their moms do, whether or not it’s intentional.” Even though you say you don’t think cheating is okay, you also say you’d stay with your husband if he cheated. So…although you never intended to, you would be doing exactly what your mother did because “your priorities changed, there are more hearts on the line, whatever.” My point is, wouldn’t you rather teach your daughter that no woman (or man, for that matter) should put up with being mistreated? I just think it sends the complete wrong message to stay with a man who cheats. I don’t think you’d want your daughter to, would you? I know that if I had a daughter, and I found out her husband or boyfriend cheated on her, I would advise her to leave him and never look back. Clearly he wasn’t worth her time or love.

      Also, people internalize things differently, they react to and perceive situations differently. Although you may have hated your mom for staying and your dad for cheating, that doesn’t mean your daughter would. Maybe if he cheated and you didn’t kick him to the curb she would decide to never let a man treat her that way. Or, maybe she would put up with it because that’s what she was raised watching. You just don’t know.

      I think women need to be taught self respect above all else. Staying with a man or woman who cheats shows absolutely no self respect. Although my experience was different, I wish my mom had shown more self respect and left my dad when I was a little girl. They might be cute now, but my entire childhood was clouded with horrible fights and sadness. I wish someone had shown me that it is not okay to put up with people who verbally abuse you. Now I’m learning it on my own at 21 after a 2-year verbally and mentally abusive relationship. These lessons aren’t fun to learn as a teenager or in your early 20s, or even older I’m sure. It’s the sort of thing that you need to be taught as a child so you don’t fall into bad habits. Do you see where I’m coming from at all?

  • Jacki

    I can respect two people trying to reconcile a marriage that has broken down to the point of infidelity, and I’ve seen it work – but it’s very hard to imagine staying with someone who doesn’t want to actually change. I think for me that’s where the line between fixable and dealbreaker would lie.

  • kathleen

    So do you mean one instance of adultery, or a long-term affair where there is an emotional attachment, or a series of one-night stands, or regular visits to prostitutes? Adultery has multiple faces, and while the first example may not sink your marriage or your self-esteem, the others might. They might also affect your physical well-being, since you don’t know where your spouse’s adultery partner has been.

    I understand that your point is that your feelings are not the only ones involved, and that it might be more damaging to your child not to forgive adultery than it would be for you to tolerate a slip. However, to entirely sublimate your feelings and your emotional stability and happiness in order to fulfill an idea of good parenting could, in the long run, be catastrophic. If you truly don’t care, or if your spouse is repentant and willing to address whatever problems exist that led to the adultery, that’s one thing. But if you are putting up with betrayal after betrayal because your child needs his or her parent, well, you can work out generous visitation arrangements in the divorce agreement. That can work out pretty well for the children too.

  • angela

    This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i meant a post where this man Dr Magbu have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my love Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: Reunitingexspell@gmail.com you can also contact him on his web site http://reunitingexspell.webs.com/ he is a good man and straight forward human

  • Prince Larry

    My name is Jessical, am from United States, Am very happy about the great work of Dr LOUISE, he Pray for my husband to stop cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. Me & my husband have been married for 3 yrs. We have lived together for 16yrs and been together almost 17 yrs. I am asking Dr LOUISEto remove the ex-girlfriend from my husbands heart and remove her from our marriage. I believe there is an ungodly hold on my husband. He even admits that he doesn’t trust her and that I am a better woman than she is and says she is greedy, selfish and a liar. But he still sneaks to call her on the phone etc. She also is very persistent. This is her nature to stay connected to ex-boyfriends etc. He is not the first. My husband is a Christian and is just doing the opposite of what a Christian does. I believe he is drinking again. He says he has changed. He has been back and forth for the past year now. He even joined her Devil church. She believes Magic sent him to her. She wants him to divorce me and marry her. She thinks this is Satan’s plan. He says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. He says he still loves and is in love with me. He said he doesn’t think he could stop seeing her. He was faithful to me for over 18 years. I think he is in a midlife crisis and the devil is messing with him. I do not want to divorce him but I am getting to the point where I had enough. I keep praying to God. My husband isn’t the Godly man I know. He needs to repent to God and turn away. This woman is being used by Satan. I pray she repents and turns to God and walks away from my husband. I pray for God to physically remove her from his life. I also order prayer for my son. I am asking Dr LOUISE to heal his mind, heart and emotions. I believe my family is restored with the power of Dr LOUISEthe spell caster. I am not giving up. The devil loves to smokescreen situations. Now my Husband is in love with me and my family and promise not to look up to other woman outside accept me her wife so today is a very happy day in my life to share this grate testimonies to everyone in this prayer ground. If you need the help of the Man called Dr LOUISE he is always there to help anyone who have problem once again thanks for to DR LOUISE who help to me and my family I am very grateful I fund you Doctor you are God sent. Joan monger contact this great spell caster that help me he can still solve your problem his email:superlovespelltemple@gmail.com

  • Paul Braxton. A

    hello my personal mail is (marleyblake555@yahoo.com) get in touch with me for advice… I urge Anyone reading this short Story to be patient with me and read it all, so that you can rejoice with me because I felt rejected once by my Wife the same way as any other do with heartbreak or divorce. before i came across a post by a woman about Dr. orinoko (orinokospelltemple@yahoo.com). The issue i had was with my wife and her co workers she always was texting them even after I told her how I feel about it. She will stop for while and then start all over. She always tells me how fat and old these Men are but I did know that she uses that as a bait to distract me. Today I have now found out she is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer could take it because i love her so much. I do not understand why she keeps doing this to me then. She even comes home late after work then and she finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic but all the same. what should I do? until i came across a post about love spells, i had to try it but to my surprise it worked after much patience and faith. you can also get help from him with orinokospelltemple@yahoo.com Good luck

  • Alice

    My God that sounds like a living hell – what your poor mother had to go through.

  • vice566567

    brian mccarthy

    Dr Obosianzen thanks for making my wish true! I was totally devastated when phillip left me. It was like all my world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But your kind words when I first emailed you gave me hope. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic he were from his first email. I know it sounds weird but out of all the casters I contacted, you was the only one to give me that impression of being so true and caring. More than your words, it s the fantastic work you accomplished for me that I will keep in mind. He brought my lover back and he made all my wishes come true. He is now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema or at the restaurant. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! if there is anyone to get your ex back to you, it is obosianzenspelltemple@hotmail.com
    brian mccarthy Las Vegas

  • vice566567

    Dear
    I was Looking for Spells to Stop My Divorce and Save My Marriage. Now because of you I am living a happy married life and also my love life is restored. Thanks for Saving My Marriage. Your love and protection marriage spells have done wonders in my entire life. I will always run to you for help, I believe your ancestral powers are beyond human imagination,
    Bonny M. California-USA. contact him from: Email: templeofpeaceandsurcess@gmail.com

  • http://beenkissingafool.wordpress.com/ flaca

    Very thoughtful article.

    I don’t know how I missed it. At the time you wrote it I was reconciling and admitting back into our home, my unfaithful husband.

    We have two small daughters. So while I was working on my own pain I never thought that I would end the marriage because of his poor choices. My girls ADORE him. In spite of his infidelity he is a good father to them – patient, a good provider, loving and attentive.

    We are now a year past the end of his affair and honestly back on the road to being more like we were before the affair. Lots of counseling and honest conversations have come from him – he knows he has to do most of the work to make this marriage work.

    Was his affair a great thing? No, it was terrible. I still suffer a lot of issues over it.

    But he has learned to work through his own issues that drove him to his affair. Which was his fault not mine. I take no blame. But I do know he was in crisis and he did very stupid things to try to make himself feel better. What did that do us? They nearly destroyed everything and made our marriage worse instead. What did I do? I tried to take the high road, while it didn’t always work, it did help us heal and it helped me
    stay sane.

    I think its terrible that people post on here with their judgement and their ideas for what works for everyone. My husband has admitted his mistake and he is working on himself. The other woman in his affair, in my opinion is also a very damaged person.
    Two damaged people met and two damaged people tried to help each other
    and instead they made each other worse. As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.”

    When I got married one of my vows was about being unfaithful and another was “for better or for worse.” This is my “for worse.” So far… we are surviving it. There IS
    life after infidelity. There are lots of us who survive and have good marriages. Adultery doesn’t only happen in bad marriages it happens in good ones too.

    I am glad that motherhood gave this author perspective for what her own mother did in the face of infidelity. Marriage isn’t all white lace and promises. It’s a long dedicated marathon and you may have to make some leaps that you never anticipated taking. I caution readers to be less judgmental.

    You don’t KNOW anything about what YOU would do until you experience it. I don’t wish the pain of infidelity on anyone. But I do caution those who JUDGE those of us who forgive infidelity to be careful. You might need a little dose of forgiveness one day, too.

  • Alicia

    My dad told my mom he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and wanted to see other women after 37 years of marriage. I strongly suspect an affair with my friend’s mother. Seeing her go on cooking and cleaning for that bastard and washing his dirty laundry makes me hate him even more than I did before. Yes, this situation has made me HATE my father. I wish she would divorce him. I think I might forgive him or at least forget him if she would just leave, or if he would leave. Knowing what a sham the marriage is and how much she sacrifices and hurts on a daily basis is so much worse than a divorce. I don’t want anything to do with him, but I don’t think the hate would be so strong if he would just do the right thing and leave, but he continues to be selfish and take advantage. My mother is a saint and deserves the best of everything and knowing how hurt she is breaks my heart. As such, I don’t ever desire to get married. Never. And I certainly wouldn’t ever want to put my children in that situation. I want to model self respect to my children. If you stay with a cheater, you have no self respect.

  • Pingback: Shipwrecked: When Affairs Result in Pregnancy… | JuneBaby2014

  • G

    idk if anyone will ever bother reading my comment but my parents aren’t divorced. My father cheated on my mother long before I was even born. When I asked why, she just said that she didn’t want to my brother (whom she was pregnant with at the time) be left fatherless. About two years later, I was born. As I grew up, I noticed that a lot of my friend’s parents were getting divorced and I was scared mine would too. So, I approached my mother as a little girl and cried and told her I didn’t want my dad to leave. Sometimes he would leave upstate for his job for a couple of days and it would scare me to death. As I grew, I’d say to about when I was 12, my mom told me what happened. I never really believed it would affect me but I was wrong. I dropped it for a little while, as if I stored it away. A couple of months ago, my brother and I found out my father has been cheating on my mom. It completely destroyed me. I’ve found proof, but in the back of my mind…I just can’t believe it. I can’t hate him because he’s my dad. It hurts me because I feel like he doesn’t care about my mom or me or my brother. I want to tell my mom but I know can’t get in the middle of it. I feel like if she were ever to find out, it would crush her. I think she’ll even hate me because I look like him. I tell her all the time that if I was here back then I would’ve left him. But after reading this I know that my father and I share this crazy bond. Had she left him, I wouldn’t be here but maybe she wouldn’t be with a cheater. I feel guilty and I feel afraid. I feel like I can’t even trust anyone and I feel like I don’t matter.

  • ANN

    Sometimes,Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart. That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks goes to Dr. .EDIONWE, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how Dr. EDIONWE could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: edionwesolutiontemple@yahoo.com. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live.

  • Rhody

    When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone

    to several casters and I got no results. Until I found

    seraphintemple@gmail.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and

    restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did all

    that he requested of me and trusted him. He performed a spiritual

    cleansing to banish negative energies that was fighting against our

    relationship and casted a love spell. After four days, the man I missed

    dearly started to call me and told me how much he really missed me and

    that he is sorry for leaving me in the cold. Help me to say Thank

    DR SERAPHIN of SERAPHINTEMPLE his Email address seraphintemple@gmail.com OR mobile number +2348131258106

  • Vivian Cosme

    Hello every one there my name is Vivian Cosme from Canada I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Africa this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR ONIHA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 9 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is :onihaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com