• Mon, Sep 17 2012

I Never Wanted Kids — And Now I’m Having One

never wanted kidsIt was the fall of my first year of college when I showed up at my GYN’s office for a routine PAP.

“Mind if my med school intern joins us for your exam?”

“Not at all!” I chirped, glad to be helping another person with their educational path, even as I started my own.

“Whyy Hallo they-ur, yew muhst be Lee-ah!” The drawl caught me off guard,  as I live in New England.

“Hello.”

“Nay-o ahm just gonna take yer blood…” I squirmed, and began to sing old MacDonald. Something I have done since I was three because needles and blood and that rubber band thing freak me out. I started on pigs and moved on to horses and cows.

“E, I, E, I, O!” I crowed.

“Well nay-o, yew are just gunna have to lurn to deal with blood, silly, what are yew gunna do when yew have lil babies?”

I was instantly furious.

“Get her out.”

It continued in various humiliations over the years: assumptions about when I would graduate leading to random friends giving me advice on timing childbirth. Even magazines, books and TV series indicating in one not-so-subtle-form or another that hey, the clock was a tickin’ and I had better make the best of my fertile years. Whatever.

Thing was, I never liked babies. They were loud, delicate and sticky. They needed things, indecipherable things and they smelled like poo. No thanks. They were not interested in the same things as I (cocktails) and seemed very irrelevant to me.

Last April, I was shocked to read a double line on my First Response, the first one I ever even felt the impetus to take. I looked up into my bathroom mirror and said, clear as day, all alone, “Oh. Holy. Shit.”

And I suddenly wanted to have a baby. After 26 years of NEVER wanting kids.

Disclaimer to this article: don’t use it to tell women of any age “they will come around” or “things will change– you’ll see” (insert condescending chuckle here) because that’s some serious bullshit, and none of it is true. The only reason that it became the truth for me, was, in short, because of what I like to refer to as the “solar eclipse” rarity of circumstance under which I felt comfortable and indeed confident enough to procreate. Here is my list:

  1. I wanted an advanced degree completed
  2. I wanted to be married to the father of the child
  3. The man in question had to be DAMN impressive
  4. I needed to own a home in a decent school district
  5. I needed to know, beyond a doubt that working would not be required of me. If I wanted to be a SAHM, I could and if I wanted to be a working mother, I could. It was a matter of choice.

This was my list. With my masters degree completed and the baby’s father being incredible. I only had to have a few targeted conversations to determine if this was going to work out. Everything did.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

    I was the same way. I was engaged and our wedding was pretty much finalized and about a month away when I got pregnant with our son. I was fine never having any kids, but here I am with an almost 4-month old and more in love with my son that I ever thought possible.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Oh, wah to whoever voted down. I’m only speaking for myself, not everyone else. Everyone is different.

    • Emmy

      I understand what you mean, Courtney. If you don’t fit the “child-free” narrative then your comments are passed over. In their eyes, if you didn’t abort your son or give him away for adoption then you weren’t hard-core enough. :) Shocker – some people never wanted kids and they changed their minds. I don’t know why that bothers some people. They feel the need to negate the wants and desires of everyone else, while complaining that others do the same to them.

    • meteor_echo

      Aaaaaand you’re wrong.
      A childfree person is someone who does NOT change their mind. If someone said that they didn’t want kids ever, then proceeded to have a child, it means they were simply a fencesitter. I’m fine with people changing their minds and picking what’s best for them, but blatant misuse of terms is what pisses all us real childfree folks right off. The author here didn’t want a child with the wrong man, while I do not want a child with MYSELF. See the difference?

    • tingeofginge

      I didn’t want children with myself. I didn’t have a mental list of criteria that would constitute the right circumstances for me to consider getting pregnant – I believed I would never consider it in a million years. I met the man I wanted to spend my life with, and I still didn’t want children. I warned him that he should leave sooner rather than later if he couldn’t live without having kids, because he wouldn’t be having them with me. And I still changed my mind – not even on finding I was accidentally pregnant, but long before. I wanted to try. It happens.

      You don’t have to agree that I was ever childfree, but I wasn’t a fencesitter either. I actvely did not want children. Disliked them. Had no idea how to act around them. Zero desire to cuddle anyone’s baby. Fully intended to live my life without ever becoming a mother. Never questioned that I would terminate an accidental pregnancy. Then changed my mind. It’s OK for that to happen, and it’s equally OK to be childfree until the day you die – but it’s bloody annoying to be retroactively characterised as someone who just wasn’t bothered whether they had kids or not, or secretly wanted them one day but just not yet. I actively didn’t want kids, and then I actively did, and that doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s childfree status.

    • meteor_echo

      “I actively didn’t want kids, and then I actively did, and that doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s childfree status.”
      Yes, it does. Because people who change their minds end up being an involuntary example for the idiots who can think that all childfree will change their mind. Those people invalidate childfree folks’ status by taking an experience of people like you and praising it for being “correct” and “normative” and “social”. I do not have anything against YOU specifically, just please do not call yourself childfree.

    • tingeofginge

      OK, but what was I meant to call myself when I actively did not want children and was certain in the belief that I never would? I mean, at one point I fully intended to have my tubes tied as soon as I could persuade a doc to do it. Then my feelings surprised the hell out of me by doing a complete 180. I genuinely want to know how an identity can be retroactively revoked when the person herself changes. People may use me as an involuntary example to make their lousy argument, and obviously I don’t call myself childfree now – how could I? But I don’t see how it helps to look back and say “Well, I obviously wasn’t childfree at all, even though I really really thought I was.” Surely that provides just as much ammo for the idiots, as they could just pat you on the head and argue that you just *think* you’re childfree, but one day you’ll look back and realise how wrong you were.

    • meteor_echo

      I guess you might be called a person who didn’t go through with their decision to remain childfree. You are procreated, and you were anything BUT childfree. Sorry, but this is how it is. If you bred, you’re NOT childfree. Maybe just a person who didn’t want kids for herself, then did a U-turn on this.
      Maybe just an indecisive person.

    • meteor_echo

      Awesome. Double comment. :I

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Obviously, I no longer consider myself CF, but I, too used the term “childfree” in my comment for lack of a better term. I really just didn’t know what to call it. I guess I could have said, “when I CONSIDERED myself CF”?

    • tingeofginge

      Er, you don’t have to apologise. I’m not actually sad about not being in the CF clubhouse, and I KNOW I’m not childfree, cos I’ve got a freaking two year old and I’m delighted about it. It just still doesn’t make sense to me that a CF person could never under any circumstances change their mind about what they want from life and stop being CF, because if they do, they were never CF at all. It’s a kind of meaningless term if you can erase it from someone else’s past because of their present situation. Might as well say that someone who leaves the army was never a real soldier, or someone who divorces was never a real spouse. We are at war with Eastasia, we have always been at war with Eastasia.

      And let’s be clear, I am *entirely* in favour of people who don’t want kids being allowed to not want kids without assholes being assholes about it. I’m seriously not trying to pick CF apart as an identity. Nor am I trying to claim it for myself now, as clearly that would be ridiculous. I did not remain CF. Good, yes, this is true and accurate. I did a U-turn, also true. I do not see how that can mean that I was never travelling in that direction to begin with.

    • Shannon

      Tinge, you just creamed Echo in this argument. Especially with the “1984″ reference. Well done my friend.

    • meteor_echo

      Nope, she didn’t. I’m just slightly too lazy to reply. I could just say that she was childfree, but some people are more childfree than the other and do. Not. Change. Their. Mind. It’s not a title, it’s a mindset that is basically defined for life. So, if the “for life” condition has not been met, then she didn’t have the mindset for it.

      Also, your gloating is cute, but nothing more than eyeroll-inducing. Alas, my friend, the boast is poor.

    • meteor_echo

      Sorry, but what you said just makes you sound like a person who ended up backpedaling on their decision. That is all.

    • Shannon

      Give it up…you’re just repeating yourself now and it’s kinda sad.

    • meteor_echo

      Are you, per chance, another of the “I changed my mind and now worship at the altar of The Baby 24/7″ people? :)

    • Lebanese Father

      Why do you insist on false dichotomies meteor? Is it possible that there might be shades of grey between “I don’t want kids” and “Kids are the best thing that ever happened to my life”? Believe it or not, there are folks out there with multiple identities (and the labels to go with them) that include things like “career professional”, “Lebanese American”, and yes, “father-to-be”. I look forward to fatherhood (I always have), but it isn’t the end all be all of my existence (and it never was). There are many things I hope to accomplish in this life, and being a good dad is just one of them. Try thinking beyond black and white and maybe you might find a little acceptance for folks who haven’t all got it figured out the way you seem to think you do.

    • Guest

      That’s how I used to feel too. There was a point in my life where I was SURE I never wanted kids. I totally get that not everyone changes their mind, but at that time, how could I have forseen that I would have a change of heart? So during a time when I TRULY didn’t want children, I couldn’t have been CF? Whatever. I’m not going to argue semantics anymore. I’m, even still, on the SIDE of CF people that other people don’t need to give them the “Oh, you’ll change your mind” garbage because EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. I do not now, nor will I EVER tell anyone who is CF that they will change their mind just because I did. It’s not my life, not my business and I DON’T CARE who wants kids and doesn’t.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      I don’t know why it bothers some either. I was actually trying to stick up for CF people who get grilled about not wanting children. Why do people care so much about other people’s life choices?

    • http://avatarsankh.blogspot.com/ Xyzzy

      Sure, but being fine without having kids isn’t the same as actively wanting to never have any, which is what being childfree is. It’s the same distinction as not caring whether you watch a mystery movie or romance versus finding the idea of sitting through one of them repellent.

      The term “childfree” was created to distinguish between the childless crowd that felt their lives would be diminished without raising kids or that didn’t care either way, and the people that regarded parenthood/kids as unwanted things that would make them extremely unhappy. There’s a pretty huge gap between “gee, I don’t mind” and “I’d rather be thrown in state prison for having an illegal, potentially fatal coathanger-style abortion in a back alley.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      My apologies for the misuse of the term.

    • sasareta

      When you say, “I was the same way,” I don’t believe, and I’ll tell you why.

      If you never wanted kids, you would have done everything in your power to prevent having pregnancy, i.e. using birth control, condoms. Also, if you “were the same way,” you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant a month after marriage and you wouldn’t have decided to keep the child.

      The point is, you’ve wanted child all along.

  • meteor_echo

    Oh, great. Now your article will be yet another drop in the sea of “you will chaaaaange your miiiiiind” that we childfree folks drown in.
    Though, congratulations. I hope you will be happy about your decision.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      When I did consider myself CF (I really, really never wanted kids at that time), I rarely heard that and when I did, I just reminded myself that some people think life is the same for everyone as it is from their perspective. It isn’t. Most people really don’t care who wants kids or doesn’t and if they do, then they need to spend more time worried about themselves than other people’s lives.

    • meteor_echo

      You weren’t childfree. Ever. If you were, you’d consider abortion or adoption the moment you saw two stripes on a pregnancy test. Sorry, but people really do poke heir noses into others’ lives, you were just lucky to not realize that until YOU changed your mind.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      I’m not saying they don’t and I’m saying that if they do, it’s NOT okay, agreeing with YOU about the “You’ll change your mind” crap. Not everyone does. Even if I did, I’m not naive enough to think that everyone else will or that the world runs on the same perspective.

    • http://avatarsankh.blogspot.com/ Xyzzy

      Except that being childfree means that you don’t want to be a parent under *any* circumstances, ever — childfree women also don’t go without birth control unless there’s a gun to our heads, as pregnancy equates to needing an abortion.

      The forum I used to hang out in (alt.support.childfree on USENET) is now pretty much dead, but if you go to this web-based forum and ask around, you’ll almost certainly get a similar answer:
      http://www.thechildfreelife.com/forum/index.php
      I have no ties to the group, I haven’t even visited it before; it just looked like a good one. It would be very interesting to see the responses if you were to post a link to your article and ask what they thought.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      What article? I didn’t write one. At that time in my life, I didn’t want kids and I was actually fine never having any, so at that time, I did consider myself CF. I posted in CF forums all the time. Then I met someone else and we had an unplanned pregnancy. Maybe I wasn’t CF. I wasn’t even trying to say anyone would change their mind. I was trying to say that the people who give CF people shit need to mind their own damn business.

    • kate

      what im not getting about everyone who is bashing Courtney here, is are they suggesting that ALL childfree people HAVE to also be pro-abortion? because I do know childfree people, and if my friend (who’s had a vasectomy because he is childfree) somehow managed to impregnant his wife, they would not have an abortion. So that makes them not childfree? im not following the logic here.

    • meteor_echo

      It’s PRO-CHOICE, Kate.
      You know, childfree people do not want children, so they’d either make sure to have an abortion, or give the child up for adoption if they do not agree with abortion for themselves. They keep it = they’re not childfree.
      Also, there’s no Courtney-bashing here. It’s incorrect term usage-bashing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/courtney.wooten Courtney Lynn

      Thank you Kate, but I don’t feel bashed at all. Discourse is fine with me. I didn’t clarify that at that point in my life (6 years ago before I met my husband) I REALLY believed I NEVER wanted kids. I see what meteor is saying, but I didn’t clarify. I’m actually still very much a childfree sympathizer because I think it’s asinine that some people can’t fathom other people not wanting kids. Different strokes and all that shit, ya know? My apologies for the misuse of the term. I guess I was a fence-sitter, I really thought at that time I WAS CF, though. Obviously, I’m not anymore but I support one’s decision to be CF. I

  • Kristen

    Ok, here is the thing about this article. You do not sound like someone who never wanted kids. You sound like someone who was not ready for kids until the ripe old age of 26, which really is pretty damn common. I’m not trying to be a jerk who tells you how you felt, because I hate that. Especially surrounding this topic. But come on- you had a LIST of things that had to happen before you would want kids. And that list is a pretty typical life list of accomplishments that many women want out of the way before they have kids. Married to a great guy, education finished, own a house… You even included the ability to be a stay at home mother for goodness sake. The fact that you had a pretty good idea of where you wanted your life to be before you had a baby is probably an indication that you’ve been thinking about having one.

    The only difference between you and many people is that you seem to have made peace with the fact that you may not ever have children. From the way you set up this article, it sounds like the reason for that is because you had some compelling reasons to believe that you would be unable to conceive. So, you resigned yourself to it, decided kids may not be in the cards, fine. But then you met someone that you decided you wanted to have kids with, and you felt ready for a baby. And suddenly you felt deeply that birth control was not “interesting” to you? Even if you were phrasing it that way so as not to get your hopes up (as you seemed to doubt it was even possible to get pregnant), you were doing what people do when they are trying to get pregnant. Which is- have unprotected sex. You may not have been tracking your ovulation or anything, but I assume you had a general idea of how babies are made, and you were doing it. So it’s not like you suddenly discovered you were pregnant and that’s what put you over the edge into deciding that you wanted to be a mom.

    I’m not criticizing you for following a typical path. Or for not getting your hopes up about trying to have a baby if you thought you couldn’t (I could see myself doing the same thing in that situation, honestly). But it bothers me a little bit that you would write this article under that headline. Because there really are people out there who don’t really want to have kids… ever. And I really don’t think you were one of them. Cocktails are more interesting to everyone in their early 20′s. And it’s not surprising that the idea of having a baby is not all that alluring until you’re with someone that you want to raise a baby with, and you’ve crossing various hurdles off of your life list. That’s really not the same thing as those of us who have made the conscious decision not to be parents.

    • canaduck

      Very well said, Kristen.

    • kathleen

      Yes, I was expecting the author to be in her 30s or 40s….to assume that a 20-year-old is unusual NOT to want babies is a little strange. As you said, her conditions for wanting children sound fairly typical and conventional, which is strongly at odds with the tone of the title and the opening sentences.

    • kathleen

      [and I say '20-year-old' because she mentions being angry at the assumption that she will have children during her first semester of college, which should put her somewhere around 18 or 9, and at 20 many college students still think of children as anathema. thus my use of 20....because I know the author has reached the ripe old age of 26]

  • http://www.facebook.com/kaitlyn.mcwilliams Kaitlyn Catherine

    Laaaaaaaaame. I expected something I would identify with and was sorely disappointed. I never wanted a baby and I’m having one- not because things in my life panned out perfectly- but because a baby happened and I changed my mind.

  • http://avatarsankh.blogspot.com/ Xyzzy

    The article shouldn’t say that the author didn’t “never want kids” — she *did* want them, only under certain circumstances she believed wouldn’t be possible. Women that are genuinely childfree/childless-by-choice don’t want kids under *any* circumstances, do everything possible to ensure pregnancy can’t happen (like having long-term contraception or using multiple forms), and only date guys that we believe share our preference.

    To be honest, she sounds like she’s one of those people that feels a strong enough need to fit in with a peer group that she’ll BS if needed. When she felt she couldn’t join the mainstream default of being a mother, she claimed she didn’t want them to fit in with the alternative crowd. Once she figured she can be a mother, she pretty clearly raced over here to fit in here instead.

  • R.R.

    Okay, so you seriously didn’t want kids, but then wasn’t actively trying to NOT have them? Lolz, okay, I can’t take this article seriously.

  • OnionButt

    I agree, the title doesn’t really paint an accurate picture of the author’s true feelings on having kids. Sure, for a lot of women, early on in college, babies do not sound appealing. Though the majority of women will change their mind or grow into being ready. Nothing wrong with that – but it is NOT at all the same thing as being childfree or “never” wanting kids. Also people who could go either way are not truly childfree.

    I will be 36 in exactly a week and I was getting so irritated with someone I met THAT day who kept going on about how SHE didn’t want kids and now she has two. (I mention my age because I am definitely old enough to know how I feel on a topic.) She was sooooo adamant about not having kids once upon a time but SHE changed her mind so obviously I will too. First of all, I KNOW my mind, perhaps she didn’t. I don’t know if she did change her mind and TRY to get pregnant or got pregnant and just went with it. Just because we may have had similar feelings on a topic once doesn’t mean we are the SAME damn person and will do everything the same in life. Also she already has proven to me that we are vastly different – while she was pregnant with that 2nd baby (just had the baby a few months ago) her partner (don’t think they are married) was cheating on her with their neighbor. She knew all about it. Yet she still lets him rule her life – doesn’t just kick him to the curb or at least lets him treat her like complete crap (he isn’t sorry for what he did – he just goes back to her off and on because she LETS him). So yeah, I hate having this woman I met as an example of, “Oh I NEVER wanted kids but now i have them so obviously anyone who says they don’t want kids will end up having them.”

    I don’t care if I met the man of my dreams and had more money than I could ever spend in a life time and I had the best pregnancy and a miracle childbirth that was pain free, I still don’t want kids. Ever. There are NO conditions that would make me change my mind. THAT is what childfree is.

  • Sara

    I had a question/thought/discussion point for some of the childfree people in the comments. (My thoughts on the article itself have already been well covered by others more eloquent than I am.)

    For a long time, I thought I wanted kids eventually. I just assumed I wasn’t ready, and didn’t really think about it. When the time came, my husband and I stopped birth control and began “trying” (god, I hate that term). But then I began to realize that the time I was the happiest was every month when I wasn’t pregnant. And I started to voice my concerns about having a kid. And my husband started to voice his. And we realized that we had never really, REALLY thought about what having a kid would do to our lives, and that neither of us particularly wanted that. So we decided not to have one, and my husband is getting a vasectomy. So does this mean we were not childfree before, but now we are? Or that we always were and didn’t know it?

    And now, there are times when I do feel sad about not having a kid. Few and far between, but I do recognize that by choosing the benefits of a childfree life, I am missing out on the benefits of having a child. I happen to think the childfree life far outweighs those benefits, but that doesn’t mean I’m not occasionally sad that I’ll never see my own genes in a child, or my husbands. Or that I won’t experience those great moments that parents get to have. Does that mean I’m not TRULY childfree? Even though I feel strongly enough about not having kids that I’d probably have an abortion if I were to get pregnant, god forbid? Personally I think the fact that I realize what I am missing out on means that I’ve truly thought about it. I’m not glossing over the options and saying there are no good moments to parenthood that I’m giving up.

    Anyway, I think the point is… it’s complicated. Feelings are complicated, especially feelings like this that involve creating another human being. Maybe in cases like this using the “correct” terminology isn’t so important?

    • Lj Hamilton

      Everyone’s different, what matters is that you’ve truly thought about it, many parents don’t really consider the pros and cons of parenthood. Our generation of childfree people grew up believing they would have a child someday, when you’re young it’s not even about whether you want them, society indoctrinates you such that you just don’t consider there is any other option. I had names for my triplet boys I was going to have. I realise I never, ever said or felt that I wanted kids, but I still had picked names etc.

      I know many men who had never given the issue of wanting children any thought until they met me. Again, they didn’t actively want kids, but they just assumed that they would have them some day.

      It takes time for people to learn and absorb that actually you can not want kids, but it’s definitely not being childfree if you’ve just “not met the right guy” etc. Momentary “what ifs…?” are also common in all areas of life, parents will have them about what if they hadn’t had their children. It doesn’t mean you secretly want kids. It’s easy for me I guess, I don’t see myself missing out on any ‘great moments’ but I’m sure some childfree people maybe don’t want children but in later life would like to have adults.

      What bugs me is having to wait for menopause. You’d think my brain and body could sync up and know that since I don’t ever want children that menopause should come as early as possible and save me from the stress of false alarms.

  • Kel

    *Sigh* I can practically hear you cracking your gum in this article.

    You sound like every other young person who takes offense in that 26-year-old way when others make assumptions about them because you have yet to come to terms with the fact that you’re not a special snowflake. That realization comes a little later. But up until then, it’s common to hear women of a certain age get all uppity that a perfect deigned to assume that one day they might have children and the whole “child free” thing is really a reaction to that, rather than a specific life direction. It’s irritating to read this because I thought, as the discussion hints below and as the TITLE suggests, that it was going to be written from the perspective of someone who was truly committed to never having children and then got pregnant accidentally and is struggling with what to do now. That would be much more interesting than what this article actually is.

    Did you think that you were the only young woman who had doubts about motherhood? Or that you’re the only young woman who has goals that she wants to accomplish before parenting?…Um, what is the article about? A young woman who has a change of heart regarding parenthood for “feelings-based” reasons and because she met the “right guy”? Call Hallmark, we have a winner.

  • Stormy

    No birth control and you were SURPRISED at a double line? Do you not understand how your body works? Not too bright there, chicky.

    Also, please stop using the word ‘never’. You back-pedaled and changed your mind so easily, I doubt ‘never’ was what you had in mind. There are many of us who are in the ‘never’ category and have gone to great lengths (tubals, vasectomies etc) to ensure that ‘never’ is the correct and appropriate word. Since you didn’t even have the basics like a condom or the pill, it’s obvious you wanted a kid, you just weren’t sure about the WHEN.

  • Zoe

    I’m with everyone else. This article title is misleading. You were never adamant about remaining child-free. You had a list of caveats and prerequisites for when you did have children. You weren’t even using birth control, so it wasn’t exactly a total accident.

    It’s not like it is for many women who genuinely want to remain childless; for whom a positive pregnancy test is almost akin to a death sentence. And it is, in a way – it’s the end of the life you knew and the start of something else. And for many women, we just don’t want that. Sure, I know women who wanted to remain child-free, became pregnant and were happy about it in the end. That’s fine, and I’m really happy for how things turned out for them. But they went through hell when they first found out.

    So forgive me when I say that your circumstances are not typical of a woman who genuinely never wanted children then fell pregnant by accident.

  • maureen sagan

    I think the author’s attitude is pretty common – she wanted to wait until she had attained educational accomplishments, was financially stable, and married to a wonderful man before she had kids. She didn’t even practice birth control! A woman who never wants kids would be adamant about birth control (or get sterilized) to prevent such accidents.

  • Lj Hamilton

    Some of the arguments on here are quite funny. There’s nothing wrong with someone truly thinking they are childfree and then ‘changing their mind’, people have different levels and capabilities of introspection, some of us really know our gut very well, others feel that they do but ultimately don’t. It’s not a reason to berate them. Yes, I understand that the fact my friend ‘changed her mind’ when she was 42 will still hang over me (in her eyes) for another 6 years, but I know that I don’t want kids and I know that will never change. And I can know that because I am one of those people that knows myself incredibly well and is very honest with myself. I don’t have any of the standard impulses that some other people that claim to be childfree have like the fact that most people will glance at a buggy if it goes by, apparently buggies go by me all the time and I don’t even register it. Still, it does help people to decide if they are honest with themselves about their reasons for not wanting kids. People talk about lifestyle, money, freedom etc. I can use those as excuses I guess, but when it comes down to it the fact is that every time I interact with a child I’m glad I don’t have one, and that is even though I enjoy the interaction and like children :-D There’s no reason I have to give for not wanting children, I just don’t, and that is how I know I’ll never ‘change my mind’ as there’s nothing to be changed, it’s just the way I was born.

    • canaduck

      Yeah, except that she didn’t just “change her mind”. She claims that she never wanted children, yet she had a list of requirements for having one. And then she just stopped using birth control of any sort and was supposedly shocked when doing so resulted in a pregnancy. And that’s all fine for her, but it doesn’t mean that she “never wanted kids”, just that she never really thought about it.

  • maureen

    Surprised so many childfree people read Mommyish and comment here frequently.