vasectomy“I’m scarred for life,” my fiancé told me after I asked him how long it took for him to get over his vasectomy. He had the procedure done almost 11 years ago after the birth of his second child. Of course, we recently had a baby, so he did have a reverse vasectomy so we could.

The difference between getting a vasectomy and a reverse vasectomy is a lot. To get a vasectomy, it only takes about 20 minutes. When I went with him to the hospital so he could get his reverse vasectomy, the entire procedure took about three and a half hours and he was put under. It also cost $5,000. And, now, here I am asking him to get ANOTHER vasectomy. Am I demanding or what?

We have been having birth control talks lately and it pretty much comes down to this: As of present – gasp – we are using the pull out method. Not great considering the dude really does have super sperm. I was pregnant two months after his reverse vasectomy, which was great considering the doctor told us it could take up to a year for his sperm to, I don’t know, get working again, along with my age. Because he got a reverse vasectomy for me, I played nurse for him for about a week. He couldn’t play his beloved soccer for two months, which I felt bad about. I don’t doubt he was in pain. But yet, even though we weren’t supposed to have sex for three weeks, we were back at it, after his reverse vasectomy, about three days later. So, really, how much pain was he in? Or was he only not in pain when we were having sex?

The truth is, I can’t tell you, because I don’t have a penis. Just like men can’t really comprehend, no matter how much we are screaming and yelling and grabbing their chest hair, how much contractions hurt, us women can’t fathom what it’s like to be kicked in the balls or what it’s like to have a doctor perform an operation on your dick.

The doctor who performed his reverse vasectomy is actually an acquaintance of mine from the gym. We’ve run on the treadmill beside each other a few times. (As a side note, the gym is a wonderful place to meet people who can get you quick appointments. If you say, “We go to the same gym,” it seems to work as well, if not better, than saying, “You are friends with my mother.”) The doctor fit my fiancé in quickly.

But back to our birth control method, or lack thereof. Bluntly, my fiancé hates condoms. He also hates the fact he can’t come in me. Apparently it just doesn’t feel as good, which also, I don’t get. I did try the pill but it didn’t sit well with me in the sense that it made me very depressed. “I can be on the pill,” I told him, “But I will be miserable and moody FOREVER!” He agreed that I should get off them.

I also don’t want some device stuck up me. I’m very fertile, it seems, and I worry it won’t work, or it will get stuck up me, and cause some sort of infection and I will die and, well, need I go on? My fiancé suggested that I get my tubes tied, which I adamantly protested. I’m pretty sure I don’t want more kids. I have my boy and my girl and two bonus daughters. Our house is full. But, I don’t know. Getting your tubes tied seems so final. I’m not into it. I’m not into the finality of it. So, we’re back to him getting ANOTHER vasectomy.

The poor guy. I do feel for him. His penis has been prodded a lot by doctors.

I recently ran into the doctor who preformed his reverse vasectomy at a Starbucks and we got to talking. “We need you again,” I told him. I didn’t add, “Can we get some sort of deal?” He told me he’s done this many times. Meaning, he’s done vasectomies on men, who later get divorced, meet someone, he does a vasectomy reversal on them, and then they come back for another vasectomy.

My fiancé knows that he has to get this done. I know he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth. I will have to play nurse again and listen to him moan for weeks about how much pain he is in. I can deal with it. It’s not nearly as bad as a screaming baby. My fiancé does admit that it doesn’t hurt TOO much, but again, he has to somehow fit this procedure in around his soccer schedule, which, it seems, is year round. But there really isn’t any other option is there?

So, yes, he got a vasectomy, got a reverse vasectomy, and will get another vasectomy. And who knows? Maybe I’ll demand he gets another reverse vasectomy one day. You never know. For now, I promise him his penis will be in the best hands possible. The Doctors. And then it will be in good hands — mine.

(photo: AlexAvich/Shutterstock)