• Tue, Sep 4 - 10:26 am ET

Labor Pains: My Birthing Classes Are Scaring The Crap Out Of Me

birthing classesLast night I showed up to my first birth class, my husband poring over the packet promising us steamed salmon and cheesecake as some kind of emotional eating reward for successful (whatever that means…) delivery of our son. My baby is due in November.

Though I have had some serious fears about the pain of delivery, I have to say that there is a wealth of excellent documentaries and books which describe owning the experience, determining what pain management choices might be best, and overall simply remembering that this is a special process between me, my husband and baby. In essence, this is our show. Knowing how many choices we have and arming ourselves with information has helped insulate us from the terror of what is actually about to occur.

So the class begins: The PowerPoint was swift, the fruit plate plentiful (god bless pineapple for pregnant women amirite?), and everything felt excellent until our instructor, a registered nurse with 20+ years experience plus additional certification, starts in on what all of us should expect for our first time in the delivery room.

“You’re all first time moms, right?” she smiles broadly in her pink scrubs. We all nod, looking around at one another for confirmation. “Ok, so you may THINK you’re in labor. But you’re probably not. No, you’re not in labor until you are white knuckling it at my desk. Understand? You should not be able to SPEAK because it will hurt so bad. THEN you are in REAL labor. OK, Mommies?”

I started to feel that pineapple churning. Oh god.

“OK, so what I am passing around now is the dilation license plate. If you look at the circles, they will show you how big you need to get to be ready for baby. See the 10 centimeters? This is where we want you to start pushing.”

Now I am confused. I don’t see what she is talking about. Rather, I see a rectangular plastic tray in her hands, and her acrylic nail pointing to something reminiscent of the outline of a small salad dish.

“So this is how you will KNOW you are in REAL labor, OK Mommies? Don’t come to me and say ‘I think I’m in labor,’ because when you’re in labor you will KNOW for sure.”

It was in that moment I realized what was actually being said to me, and that bastard fear started creeping in and messing with my carefully constructed pre-labor serenity-mind. I stared at the salad plate, my mouth slightly open, shocked.

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  • LinZoo

    I’m sorry your class was taught by a bitch! She sounds like she was trying to scare everyone and be all smug.
    It’s good that you have a husband you can rant to about it in the car afterwards. I suggest looking for a Bradley Method class if you want to be informed about the birth process and potentially go natural. It’s nice to get the facts without being scared off and to learn a wide variety of coping mechanisms. If you have a toolbox of ways to cope and bring people who will help, you spend the whole labor “working” on relaxing and being calmed or massaged by your doula, mom, husband, whoever, and before you know it, it’s time to push and your brain is in full-on ape mode.

    Also — mommyish. The blog creators know that it’s a censored way of saying “mommy shit,” right?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=725345651 Stephanie Cardwell-Clitheroe

    That nurse sounds like a real Cow. I also dislike that she kept calling you “mommies” I would have probably walked out, her laughing at me or not, being spoken to like that is disrespectful and unnecessary

  • dtmb

    if it is any consolation, as a first time mom of a 5 month old, it wansn’t anything like that for me. I had an easy labor, in fact the midwife didn’t really think i was in labor when i called her because i was “too calm”, but i got to the hospital dilated to 10 and my baby was born within 45 minutes of arrival to the hospital. Don’t let these horror stories scare you. Everyone is trying to one up one another and seem “better” You can do it and no matter HOW you do it, its your delivery.

  • TheSquirrel

    I got to the “OK, Mommies?” and got the feeling the room should’ve responded with “YES DRILL SARGEANT!”

  • Not That Rebecca

    That nurse is ghastly.
    Look, I’m a home-birthing, crunchy quasi-AP type of parent. But the reason to do natural childbirth is because you want it, not to prove you are tough enough to take it. And if natural childbirth is for whatever reason really not what you want, then fair enough. It’s not a victory, there is no fight, there is no enemy – there’s doing the best you can to meet your needs and your baby’s needs. It bugs me when people snipe at each other for different choices, and it infuriates me when a childbirth educator, of all people, does this. Outrageous.
    I hope you can find a better source of childbirth education, and that your OB/midwife is more sensitive and supportive than this nurse.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

    My mom tried to tell me the same thing as I writhed in pain for 6 hours, that I wasn’t in REAL labor because I could still speak, I have a high endurance when it comes to pain, but labor? no way, I thought I was going to lose my sanity, it took everything in me to utter a single word. Also, I absolutely hated it when everyone kept calling me momma and mommy for the first 6 months after my child was born, it’s like, I have a name you know, my identity wasnt thrown out the window, just because my child will call me that doesnt mean everyone else gets to. The only exception I made was for my main nurse, lisa, that tended to me during my 3 day hospital stay.