STFU Parents: The 5 Types Of Back To School Mothers On Facebook

Because I’m never one to shy away from a theme, this week’s column fits right in with Back To School Week on Mommyish. (I also wrote about back to school-themed submissions last year here and on my blog; who remembers the “hoochie mama backpack”?!) This year, I’ve received a nice cross-section of submissions to showcase once again the range of thoughts parents share on Facebook about the new school season. School means different things to different parents, and for me the amusing takeaway is that it’s easy to tell what kind of parent a person is based on what she thinks about the return of school. For instance, I’ll never forget this post from a couple of years ago on STFU, Parents when I came to understand that some parents view school as more of a “bummer” than as an opportunity for education and growth. Facebook can teach us a lot about these varying perspectives, and today I’ve compiled five of them for your consideration.

1. The Sanctimommy

I’m torn between not understanding what the hell Jennifer is talking about and thinking that she’s a snooty bitch. I think she’s saying that if you’re a parent and you’re excited to see your child begin a new year of school, you’re “too eager” to “get rid of them” for eight hours a day. Which, I think we can all agree, is somewhat insane. It’s important to not only let go of your kids when they start a new school year, but also to be excited for them. Show them that school is fun, and back to school shopping marks the beginning of a new year of learning. And don’t judge parents who are content with their kids being out of the house each day. They’re not “unappreciative” of their children. They’re just happy to have some scheduled time off.

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  • Courtney Lynn

    LOL! My mom used to label my crayons and markers. And pencils, lunch box, backpack, jacket. I used to think she was nuts for doing it. Now I know. She was and still is.

    • AP

      I went to Catholic school for early elementary and they REQUIRED that you label every single thing you brought into the school.

      I haven’t attended that school in 20 years. I still compulsively write my name on the personal belongings I bring to communal places like work or the gym.

    • Courtney Lynn

      I caught myself writing my infant son’s name on his diaper wipes for his babysitter!

    • Nohbdy

      I wasn’t allowed to have anything labeled – someone might read my name and lure me away! Yes, my mom was and still is crazy too.

  • lexgabella

    I was told that we have to label everything individually :( I never do cuz I just don’t care enough (woops!) but a lot of schools ask for it.

    • STFUParents

      I’m sure the schools ask for it, but it seems absurd to me to actually do. Individually labeling crayons? That’s CRAY CRAY. Heh. Seriously, though, just label the boxes.

    • RK13

      I’ve also heard of people individually labeling every crayon and pencil when schools require students to share supplies, not because they were asked to do it. Either way, a bit much.

    • coffeecup28

      As a substitute teacher I can tell you that no amount of labeling makes a difference anyway. When I am there, a crayon left on the floor= a crayon in the trash. I don’t want to step on it and break my neck!

    • Amy

      Isn’t this something that the child can do? Assuming they’re at least older than the first grade and barring any mental deficiencies, most kids should know how to spell their own names. My parents made me take responsibility for preparing my school supplies.

  • Danielle Ward

    I know someone personally that would have made a similar post about taking the teacher’s chair. She thinks her kid’s bad behavior is hilarious and totally acceptable.

  • kmeghan

    If my sister and I hadn’t been in school 9 months out of the year, we’d probably be dead. I don’t understand why people are so afraid for their kids to grow up! That’s why you have them… to RAISE them. and that means sending them to school. I have a whole new crop of preschool parents starting next week, and I dread them more than the kids! :)

  • Pokey

    Labeling individual crayons? You think it would help, but it won’t, at all, my daughter came home at the end of the year with an insane mix of crayons in her pencil box.. one of which had a printed name label taped to it.

  • Lindsay Cross

    “Hope he doesn’t make friends with a biter” was a really wonderful line. And so true. A+

    • STFUParents

      Thanks Lindsay!

  • Rebecca Richlin Jacobsen

    I’m looking forward to the start of school and I’m the teacher. Spending the summer with my 2 year old has been very challenging and we’re both ready for things to get back to normal. I can’t imagine what the sanctimommies would say.

    • Tinyfaeri

      sanctimommy: “Give my precious snowflake an A for being cute and perfect and awesome and the bestest child ever that I love and miss while he/she’s at school – unlike the other cretins out there that don’t love their kids enough to miss them – or I’ll kick your ass!”
      I mean, that’s just a guess.

  • aoirghe

    I am so, so, so looking forward to my kid starting daycare in a couple of weeks. I’ll be at school while she’s there, but it’s really tempting to play hooky and just stay home with some booze and a bunch of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ dvds. Also, back to school shopping is seriously the best. Even in your 30s. Even when you’re paying for all that shit yourself. A good sale on filler paper and folders is a good thing.

  • Sheena Louise

    You went too easy on Sanctimommy in this one!

  • mel

    I enjoyed the summer with my son, but I’m looking forward to school starting again. I like the few hours of “me” time on my days off!

  • Andrea

    To bitch #2: screw you. Just because my kids aren’t attache to my asshole 24/7 and I don’t want them to, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love and like them. It just means I am a separate individual from my children that has her own interests, pursuits, and friends. Up yours and good luck when they finally leave you to go to college.

    • Andrea

      I meant bitch #1. (i.e. Sanctimommy)

  • LiteBrite

    To #1: Oh please. You know damn well as soon as those buggers are on that school bus, you’re going to be running around the house naked, a bottle of tequila in one hand and a pack of smokes in the other.

    To #2: When they said to label everything, I don’t think they meant individually. At least I don’t think they did. I sure as hell am not going to spend my time doing it.

    But I give you props for being way further along in that area than I am. I still have all his school stuff piled up on the dining room table.

    To #3: I hope Dad is the one who helps with the homework.

    To #4: No words. What can you say to someone who thinks that crap is funny?

    To #5: No, you’re not. :) I have a few friends who are SAHMs, and all I’ve been reading about on FB is how thankful they are school is starting. I work full-time, so for me it’s not that big of a change in terms of seeing my son; however, if I was home full-time I could imagine how grateful I’d be too.

    • Caitlin Elizabeth

      My mom HAD to label every individual item. Up until 5th grade. The teachers would send a note home every year without fail.

    • hypatia arez

      Ug, three depresses me because chances are no. New parents are yapping back and forth about their new bundle on my FB. Between the two of them they can’t get out a single sentence without a spelling error. I hope they live in a good public school district because that’s the only hope that kid has.

  • 1st-Time Mommy

    Maybe it’s just the area I’m in, but I see a lot of homeschooling sanctimommies. You know, the ones who would never send their little Sneauxphlaik off to one of those dens of iniquity people call “elementary schools”. (Not to say that homeschooling is bad. Just the militant mommy homeschoolers.)

    • STFUParents

      I’ve received several submissions about those ladies. ;)

    • Cindyanna

      OMG, Sneauxphlaik. LMAO.

  • Amy

    Sadly, I know mothers who still act like the first submission with their grown children and then they wonder why their 25 year old keeps making bad decisions. Maybe it’s because you still pack their lunch, fill their car with gas, and pick them up from the bar at 3 in the morning!

    Haha, I have a lot of proof of how so many STFU parents examples are ruining their children who are then thrust upon society as incompetent entitled assholes.

  • Kimberley Scarano Lucchese

    Oh my goddness..forgetting that we weren’t ACTUALLY on Facebook, I actually tried to “like” Alana’s follow-up comment about Lego’s and Ninjago!!! Oy vey, already!

  • Kimberley Scarano Lucchese

    Did I seriously put an apostrophe in Legos? :(


    I think Kristen is the one that need to go to “forth” grade & not her kid.

    • thunderclancat

      She can take Becky with her.

  • aliceblue

    #1 – what an asshat
    #2 cracks me up & I feel a bit sorry for her. As pointed out, those crayons will be broken or perhaps mixed with all the other kids (how many preschoolers cant read and, of those, how many will bother to take the time?) I hate to advocate her reproducing again but maybe a couple more kids keep her too busy to obsess?
    Want to bet Ann is the same mom who will spend little Lucifer’s school career complaining that all the teachers pick on him?

  • Teacher

    Ann, here’s a preview of your future FB status updates:

    So my 10-year-old released the class guinea pig today and the teacher made the entire CLASS stay in from recess to help find it! Hel-lo–kids need playtime! What’s wrong with shaving 20 minutes from science class? Is it really necessary to know the planets in the solar system? It’s not like we’re going to be living on any of them anytime soon…
    So my 13-year-old insisted upon wearing a tube-top as a skirt and when the principal called her in, she told her to STFU. Had a hard time keeping a straight face when telling her it wasn’t ok to say that to the principal–even if the principal is a fattie who could never wear mini!
    So my 16-year-old crashed the car again. She’s ok, but Daddy and I are starting to get a little irritated at the prospect of a third Jetta. Why do they make street signs so hard to see? My kid happens to be a bit of a slow reader; the small type is tough at 90mph.
    What is WITH colleges today? What do you have to be to get IN? Perfect?? So my 18-year-old isn’t the greatest student in the world, but with today’s public school teachers, what do they expect?

    Screw you, Ann.
    Love, a public school teacher

    • ReformedChopperMomma

      Totes! Love from the wife of an underpaid and overworked teacher!!

  • Nik

    Holy crap to the language butchery submission! And in regards to the kid who took the chair from the teacher….someone said, “Serves her right!” What the hell does that mean? Did the teacher do something the kid didn’t like? Or does this person just not like teachers in general?
    Ugh, these people!

  • Autumn Grham

    Wow you all need to grow the hell up this article and the comets reek of “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH DEY POSTED WITHOUT ASKING ME IF DEY COULD WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” grow the fuck up! so kids go to school and the only time YOU were allowed in school was on “Look what I found in the gutter” day BIG DEAL!

    maybe if you inbred morons stopped being fucking jealous of LITTLE KIDS you’d actually have people that stay arou8nd you longer than it takes to say “nice doggie”.


    • Anna K. Perry

      Methinks somebody is a mombie

    • 54

      Man…I hate whine-y comets too.

  • bookworm81

    Alana is definitely not the only one as evidenced by what I still think is one of the beast commercials ever.

  • tina

    Any parent who won’t admit that there are times in life when they don’t like their kids is a big fat liar! I LOVE my kids to death but guess what….there are times I sure don’t like them or to more fairly put it; like what they are doing or how they are behaviing.

  • Leigha7

    Ugh I can’t stand when people like that talk about how they would never DARE send their kids to “those places,” and what must those people be thinking letting their kids be in that environment. (My guess is that a lot of them are thinking it’s ridiculous to pay $10k a year for elementary school, and a lot are thinking they couldn’t do it if they wanted to.)

  • Mjay

    I am a fan of stfu and a parent of three myself, however every so often I notice that YOU need to stfu. You must not know because you are Not a parent, that the school of small kids make the parent label everything including every single crayon. It is mandatory per the teachers request. That mom was not being overprotective of her kids stuff she was just being a responsible and involved patent by doing whist the teacher requested. I do enjoy your blog but your ignorance on parenting and child issues dies show through at time. Maybe you should do a little more research on the subject before being so quick to get a cheap laugh. Seriously every teacher I’ve dealt with in ten years has requested crayons and glue, everything be labeled and guess what I do it because I’m a good parent so maybe you should stfu every now and then. Thanks.

  • kittymom

    I cannot understand what was written. I am genuinely confused by this. First of all, there are comets? Are we talking about comments?

    Second of all, it looks like word salad. I honestly don’t understand what point this person was trying to make. Maybe, if they had made if through some sort of schooling I would be able to understand the insult…

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