I Suck As A Mother Because I Can’t Freaken’ Wait For My Kids To Go Back To School


NBC News   is making me feel extra shitty today by showcasing asshole parents who are sad about their kids going back to school. These assholes CRY at the bus stop. When their kids have been on summer vacation they have partook in spontaneous family outings and things called “hugging days” where they would sit on the couch and watch TV and hug.

Disclaimer: I love my kids more than anything in the world.

Disclaimer: A hugging day sounds like the worst thing I could ever imagine. Unless by “hugging day” it means my husband and I naked hugging in some overpriced hotel room somewhere while someone watches the kids.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love cuddling and being affectionate with my kids. We spend many hours under blankies on the sofa or lazing about in bed in the morning before we start our day. Until one of my kids punches the other one. It’s not just the spontaneous bickering that erupts between siblings that is making me count down the days until school starts. It’s the constant noise that happens with three extra humans wandering around the house all day. It’s the fact for the last few months I’ve not taken a single uninterrupted shower without someone knocking on the door to request food, to purchase an app for the iPad, to complain about someone looking at someone “weird,” or to tell me they think the dog and the cat should get married.  It’s also the cost of feeding kids!

Disclaimer: We have a swimming pool.

Disclaimer: If you decide to purchase a house with a swimming pool or have a swimming pool installed, please leave room in your budget for an extra gazillion dollars in grocery money because swimming makes children hungrier than anything on earth and they will eat nonstop until they fall asleep. Then they will wake up and want to eat more.

Yes, I still feed them during the school year, preparing healthy breakfasts for them, packing yummy lunches, after school snacks and family dinners, but when they are off school? They eat at least ten times as much.

I adore my children. I loved having extra time with them this summer. But on Tuesday when that bus arrives and I kiss and hug them goodbye I’m going to walk home and lock my door and have a personal mom party of one. I’m going to drink coffee in peace. I’m going to bathe. Alone. I may even go extra insane and watch some daytime television that doesn’t involve magical fairies or singing vegetables.

Because even though I adore my children, it’s freaken’ time.

How will you be celebrating the first day back to school? Will you be crying at the bus stop or running through the house and doing insane things like mopping the floors without someone dragging mud in two minutes later?

( Photo: wtamas/Shutterstock)

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  • SundaeDiet

    Laughed so much when I read this! Can def relate to the shower comment!

  • Andrea

    I count the days till school starts!! Two and a half months of constant togetherness is MORE than enough! Off they go and mommy drinks coffee in PEACE!!!

  • Jessie

    I hear you! I don’t even HAVE my own kids and I can’t wait for the little buggers to go back to school just so my job settles down a little. I work in the pet care industry, in a pet hotel, so I’m also sort of in hospitality I suppose. Needless to say, summer vacation means families go on vacation. Which means nobody ever seems to want to bring the dog along. Which means my life is a living hell for the summer months because I care for upwards of 70 dogs a night, and 4 out of 5 nights week I’m ALL ALONE with those dogs.

    Family vacations are nice, but geez I can’t wait for them to END so I can have some peace at my job, lol!

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Dogs are amazing. I have a dog. One. If I had to be around seventy dogs at once I would need a few bottles of Maker’s Mark and some ear plugs. You sort of win everything!

  • denise

    You don’t suck as a mom. You suck at dishonesty. MOST Moms feel this way but few own up to it.

  • lyn

    I saw the same thing on NBC and couldn’t believe it. I had the same reaction you did…that I’m a bad mom because I can’t wait until that bus pulls up, which is exactly 2 weeks from today!

  • Ann

    So true! I try to think about how this summer they will never be 10 and 7 again and to soak in this reality…but then i step on a lego trying to break up an argument over who got more popcorn kernels and I become a raging Mama lunatic who can’t wait till they are back in their snug little classrooms…..sigh

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I think you can enjoy them and spending time with them and still want them to get out of the house! Haha!

  • kimandkids

    You are not alone! I have been counting down the days since at least mid-July! Of course I love my children but having 3 kids home during the summer is crazy stressful! I was saying to my husband last night that I am soooo OVER being on someone else’s schedule every hour of the day. My 3 kids constantly want something done for them (that they could easily do for them self), or to be taken somewhere, or have my day planned for me before I even get out of bed! I will also be glad to not hear the incessant bickering about which shows, music, video games, etc. that they will play, or whose turn it is to use the computer! Each child has their own TV, radio, and seperate bedrooms. I will miss them when they get back to school, but I will be so happy to have some ME time again. Don’t feel bad, you’re not a bad parent!

  • LiteBrite

    1). Eve, I’ve been reading your articles, and I think you’re freaking hilarious.

    2). I am so with you on your version of “hugging day.”

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      awww, thank you! I’m glad you think I’m funny, I think a few commenters didn’t quite get my special brand of humor on that J crew article.. eep. :( hahaha

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  • Sharra

    i’m having a party of 2 when my one single son goes back to school. Having him around all summer is like an extra 3 people for how much he demands, talks, chatters, questions, argues, eats and argues. and then there’s the arguing.
    My toddler and i will be running around in our diapers toasting (her sippy cup to my mike’s hard lemonade!) and singing and doing whatever the hell we want. And then she’ll nap and i’ll be extra at peace!

  • Lulu

    You are hilarious and I can totally relate to this and I don’t even have kids yet. I’m 7 months pregnant and I’m ALREADY thinking about stuff like this..I know I’ll be just like you and want my alone time back…in fact, I’m already mourning the freedom loss even before the baby shows up…

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      awww, congrats! Here’s the deal. Babies? They are awesome. They smell amazing and you can nap when they nap and they are VERY portable. It’s when they get older that kids are more work. I thought toddlers were work, but my 15 year old son is the WORST. Love that kid to death but he actually wants to have DEEP discussions with me and even though that’s cool, teenagers talk.. constantly. At least mine does. And it’s always about stuff I don’t FEEL like having an opinion on? Like I really have to talk for an hour about what my have Elvis Costello record is? :( babies rule. Babies don’t want $100 kicks or $200 Diesel jeans :(

  • TheSquirrel

    I honestly don’t get this creepy attitude that mommies will die, simply DIE if their children leave their sight for even a minute. What I can understand is crying at the bus stop on the first day of school because ‘*sniffle* they grow up so fast.’ Other than that, I can imagine these kids growing up to say things like ‘my mother’s my best friend’ with a straight face, and getting into fights with their spouses because they’re forty years old and still have to run everything by mommy.

    Makes me glad my Mom was never shy about what a drag motherhood was for her. (Although I always did think she would’ve been happier if she never had kids or just waited fifteen years, ya know?)

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I hear ya. and they do grow up way too fast. I don’t think we have an on and off switch. It’s not like at the point of my day where I’m picking up 900 teensy Barbie shoes I STOP loving my kids. I always love them. They always make my heart swell. That’s unconditional love, which is what we have for our kids, every second of every day. Moms are the experts at multitasking, both physically and emotionally. Hence I can be looking at my kids getting on the bus and thinking “I love them so so much they are the most amazing things in my world and get the hell out of my yard” at the same time.

  • Gingerale

    I know this is supposed to be funny, but it does contain truth, too. Question—why do people continue to have kids if they don’t want to be bothered by them? And remember, they do grow up and move away from home at some point. So if you want peace and quiet and not to be bothered by kids around the house, go buy yourself some birth control!

    • Kristin

      It is funny. She loves her kids, and likes having them around. She would also like time to finish a sentence or thought or go to the bathroom with out being interrupted. She will miss them desperately when the grow up and move away. Your comment seemed very harsh and sanctimonious.

    • Julie

      The worst possible thing you can say to a parent is, “why did you bother having children?”. Until you’ve walked a day in someone else’s shoes, it is not your place to judge or to ask questions about their life choices. It’s perfectly reasonable for someone to love their children more than the world, be willing to move mountains for them and to think the sun shines out of their butts AND need a break from time to time. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses whether you’re a parent or not. You might as well ask someone why they even bothered to get a job if they’re just going to get tired and need a vacation.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Right on.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I didn’t want kids. I wanted a Hermes Birkin. I just couldn’t keep my damn legs together.

    • Kelly

      What? They grow up and leave? I had no idea. Good thing you’re here to tell us these things. So in the meantime, what do I do? Hmmm. . . . how about teaching them that everyone has their own interests and lives, including parents, and letting them learn how to develop their own interests and live their own lives.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I will always state the obvious for you <3

  • Kristin

    My son goes to sleep away camp for a month. This year he didn’t and I schlepped him all over town to several day camps. Next year? He is going to camp. I don’t think Gingerale gets it. I love my child, I do. I tried for five long years to get pregnant and have him. He is growing up desperately fast. However, I am ready for school to start back. I need the structure, he needs the structure. When I was his age, all the kids out of school played together, now everyone is running here and there and no one is home. Who does that leave to entertain him? Me. There are only so many conversations about LEGO and Bakugon that I can be interested in. It is not about not wanting our kids around at all. Just a little time for ourselves.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      HAHAHA, omg, the lego and Bakugon discussions! We are still on Lego but my son just outgrew Bakugon. With my daughter lately it is ” Moooooom, what should be WRONG with snuggles?” (as she ponders her needle and thread and roll of paper towels, her ” surgery” equipment this summer) “I don’t know, maybe she broke her leg.” “OK, but she broke his leg because she was a model in a fashion show and she fell off the runway and no one could get her to a hospital until 90 hours later…” and then “MOmmmmm, I need some of your earrings..” Because it’s not enough Snuggles the stuffed cat wears an entire body cast made of $3.99 paper towels she also needs to wear my earrings AND have a back story. It’s like the worst version of america’s next top model but with really clumsy stuffed cats :(

  • Julie

    It’s funny, I started reading this article (which was hilarious btw) and I was fully expecting a lot of backlash in the comments for calling these parents assholes. I was pleasantly surprised by the lack thereof! My daughter isn’t school aged yet, heck- she isn’t even crawling age yet. Right now, every minute away from her is hard, but I know that going to work and giving myself some me-time is important. I’m sure that when she’s older I’ll be glad to send her off to school. It’s a part of growing up and I have nothing bad to say about the education she’ll receive either. I don’t want a child who depends on me for more than what is necessary. I want her to be independent and I want her to have her own voice. Hovering over her 24/7 can’t be good for that kind of development. And who knows, maybe by that point there may be some younger siblings around too. All I can think about is how my older brother and I fought *constantly* when we were children (he knocked out 3 of my teeth! I still haven’t forgiven him completely for that yet!) and I can only imagine that back to school time was a relief for my mother too. She loved us dearly, but I know we drove her nuts at times.

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      raising independent, strong girls with their own voice is something I’m very interested in. I love that topic. I was worried about that when mine was crawling too :) I mean, not worrying about her being independent in diapers, but when she got to be a teenager.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/katie.dehesa DeHesa Katie

    amen, sister! although i DO cry at drop off time, there IS an ache that my children are older and thus-moving away from me a little at a time- i too celebrate with a mommy party for one!!!! and YES!!! kids eat so dannnnnnnng much while home!! so glad my kids are back in school!! LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids, but peace and quiet? PRICELESS!

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      Exactly! I feel the same way. I still don’t cry though haha. Maybe tears of joy!

  • AP

    I saw that article on Today and I thought two things: 1) Don’t most kids go to camp/childcare during the summer nowadays? 2) These women are going to spend their 50s sitting around wondering why they have no friends.

    My mom always hated back-to-school because, as she put it, “I have to deal with those idiot teachers and spend our free time making pipe-cleaner mobiles of the Berenstain Bears.”

    • http://www.xojane.com/author/eve Eve Vawter

      I think I love your mom.

  • cat

    Im hoping your kids are all young…I dont understand kids who dont get their own damn food, or respect the closed bathroom door (beyond age, say 5 or 6). Stop doing so much for your kids, and you wont find them so annoying. I also find a 4pm summer shandy (and one waiting for your husband in a frosty mug) helps. Sheesh.

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  • Swiftishereok

    As someone who was raised by a “mother” like you I can safely say your kids won’t be able to wait for you to leave (die) either. You don’t deserve your children, or better yet the title of “mother”. You really think you shouldn’t have to feed your kids? You really get stressed out cooking for them? They’re KIDS. How in the hell else are they supposed to eat? And honestly the whole cartoons and shower thing are your own fault. YOU’RE the reason why they’re obsessed with cartoons. My bitch “mother” tries to turn my brother into a vegetable by letting him watch garbage all day long and I’m actively trying to change that by giving him educational shows to watch like “The Comos” or “How It’s Made”. And he enjoys How It’s Made more than he does any cartoon. It’s his favorite show. Those shows teach him more words than Dora ever could. Anyone that goes into motherhood and doesn’t expect the unexpected and is actually stupid enough to think they’ll ever get privacy ever again in the next 18 years really should’ve thought ahead before they spread their legs, but by your “hugging time” comment I can tell that’s clearly not something you’re capable of. Your self entitled bitchiness is deplorable. And don’t try to hide behind the guise of “Oh I’m a shitty mother I know you don’t have to tell me”. You’re only saying that because you think if you beat us to it you won’t have to here it. Well you’re going to get an ear full because, you don’t feel guilty. You don’t feel guilty a damn bit, and you know why? Because you get to post your shitty personality all over this site and other shitty moms will come to your aid and you’ll all have a bitch fest on who has the worst life and kids. You wanna know why you hate your kids? Because they act just like you. And don’t say you love them, you don’t. Other wise you wouldn’t feel the need to celebrate when they leave. The staple of motherhood is dreading the day your children have to leave you. I can almost guarantee your motto is “I need a margarita”. Don’t worry they’ll probably be throwing a party instead of a funeral when you’re dead anyway. Pathetic and absolutely atrocious. And the worst part is you’ll never change. Your kind never does. Happy “mother’s” day, you’re lucky if your family gets you shit, and I’m sure you’ll give them maybe two or three “thank yous” at most if they do. Lazy, pathetic cunt.