• Mon, Jun 4 - 9:04 am ET

Modern Family: Why Communal Living Works For Me

modern familyI have a dream. (Ugh, did she really just say that?) I sure did, and it’s oh-so-appropriate here because a dream is exactly what I’m about to describe. I dream of my children growing up with other children whose parents are caring and creative and open-minded. I envision those other parents teaching my children some of the things that I can’t, like how to build a bridge or care for chickens. I see myself learning from them, too, and I imagine sharing my personal talents in a lifelong information exchange. The kicker is, I dream of this all happening right where we live – in a big house that we share with another family on a big piece of land with a few other houses for more friends and family to live in. Yes, ma’am – I want to build a commune.

Looking back, it’s safe to say I’ve exhibited a predilection for communal living. I shared a bedroom with my younger sister for years without much complaint and I never longed for a single room in my college dorm, even though it seemed like the cool thing to want. The summer between my sophomore and junior years I lived in a house with seven guys and didn’t mind their relative filth and stench as long as I had my own bathroom. After graduating, I worked for a band and lived on their tour bus for eight months – and yes, those quarters are as close as they sound.

Perhaps the most telling factoid is that I have never actually lived alone. Not ever. This was not by accident or for lack of affordable housing. I simply never wanted to. I’ve known lots of people who felt a true need to experience life in a solo dwelling, and I get it, but I have always wanted to have lots of people around.

Which brings me to the present day and my very real desire to create a living situation for my family that involves shared spaces, shared meals, lots of shared responsibilities and tons of shared joy. The current (and evolving) list of participants in my non-traditional living experiment includes our neighbors, a family of three, as well as four unmarried and childless folks who are just crazy enough to throw themselves into the mix before it’s even officially their turn to help with potty training or clean up after a gaggle of toddlers.

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  • T.

    Those kind of things do work. We have some in Italy.
    I would love to live in a place like that, too. I am childfree and plan to stay that way, but I have no problem helping with other people kids :)

  • Arnie

    I lived in an intentional community for a year, and fully plan to go back to it, once I’m done with my time abroad as an au pair.

    We had 24 of us (Currently they’re down to 17, as a few people have moved on, and new ones have come), across four different houses, all next to each other. We were mostly younger, single students, but we also have a few married couples, several sets of siblings, and one family, with three kids. (We joke that it’s become nearly incestuous at times!)

    Each house has its own dynamic, and each person/family their own space, but we all eat together once a week, and there’s always people around to do anything and everything with. It’s great to have everyone support each other in all different aspects of life, and certainly brings down the cost of living an awful lot!

    • angela

      arnie – that’s exactly what i’m talking about! were you around for the founding of this community? do you know anything about how it was started/organized (i.e. – were the houses built for the community? how are financial issues handled? etc.) i’m in a serious information-gathering phase and would sincerely appreciate any wisdom you feel inclined to pass on…

      thanks for reading – angela

    • Arnie

      I wasn’t a part of the community when it first began, as I was still in high school, but I moved in as soon as I could once I could afford to move out of home after school.

      It started with a group of people who had largely grown up together in the same church, and decided it would be awesome to get a large flat together. At first they had just the one very big house, then more people wanted to move in, so they got a second one across the road. From there it grew into what it is today.

      We don’t have the original houses any more, as when the leases change over at the beginning of the year we usually have a big switch around, generally keeping most of the same houses, but dropping one or gaining another, depending on our numbers, and the affordability of different houses that come up in the area.

      So no, the houses weren’t built for the specific purpose of communal living, but currently they’re about as close together as they could possibly be. The main house sort of is, I guess, as it has two different flats stacked ontop of each other, with an unlockable door between the two floors. Everyone is always welcome at every other house, of course, and we also have many other people who come and go, but technically don’t live there.

      To sort finances and other things, we have a small strategic team, who meet once a week to make sure things are going smoothly, and address any issues that might have come up. Various people also have other jobs. For example I worked with two others to organise monthly orders of bulk food from an organics organisation for all the flats.

      We all pay a flat rate for rent, which then gets pooled into a community account to pay for internet, electricity, food, and various other expenses. Although our one family has a slightly different rate, although I’m not sure exactly how it’s decided.

      There’s also a set agreement of a few ground rules, and various guidelines as to how we work, which we all sign upon moving in, to help set out what is expected of you as a part of the community.

      It’s so exciting that other people think this is cool, rather than looking at me weirdly and asking “You do WHAT?” Flick me an email if you’re interested in hearing more (I suspect this comment is getting a bit long), as it’s something I absolutely love sharing about!

  • Twiliyte

    I long to live this way also! I was sorta raised this way- I have 4 bio siblings, and multitudes of other “family” who come in and out of our lives at their whim, but live with us to be “home”. I have 4 bio children, but scores of “bonus babies” who come around. Some for a night every once in a while- some who are very nearly living here permanently. My kids have “aunts & uncles” who stay with us, and “cousins” to grow up with. I love a full house and wouldnt have it any other way! We have even gotten to the point of discussing this sort of multi family, single tract housing situation also. A dream of mine as well. It takes a village, right?

    • angela

      it’s always nice to know there are others out there in the world feeling the same way i do… thanks for your thoughts. sounds like you’re well on your way to creating something pretty special for everyone involved!

      – angela