STFU Parents: 5 Poop Facts Parents Shouldn’t Discuss On Facebook

This week we’re getting back to basics. After dedicating a few columns to poop-related matters over the last year, including discussions about poop and food, potty training, and constipation, today’s column is an outline of exactly what people don’t want to know about a child’s bowels. Here’s a hint: Most of it is related to your senses. If you find yourself itching to post about your child’s dirty diapers and/or explosive encounters, ask yourself if it’s because the incident overwhelmed one or more of your senses. If the answer is yes, you’re probably posting about something that should be kept off social media. That doesn’t mean other parents can’t relate, and oftentimes do, but it does mean that you’ve crossed the line into smelly overshare.

Just because you’re knee-deep in diarrhea starting the day (sometimes the minute!) your child is born doesn’t give you carte blanche to talk about all things poop. One reason is because people already know what poop is all about. Everyone poops, as the story goes, so we all know that it’s gross and that it’s a frequent occurrence in babies and toddlers. It’s tempting to write about what you know, like a rapper might, which is why I try to sympathize with parents who have such a hard time keeping poo details out of their status updates. I get it; babies turn their parents’ world upside down with an odorous force, and at some point, something’s gotta give. It’s like that dam of both proverbial and literal shit that people shouldn’t ever discuss slowly erodes, one diaper explosion at a time, until the wall finally collapses and all of that crap becomes common Facebook material. But I’m here to encourage parents to reinforce that dam by doing whatever it takes to keep the poop talk contained. Call a friend, write in a journal, or even photographic it for a wildly disgusting scrapbook collage, but please leave Facebook out of it.

With that said, here are five examples of descriptive details people don’t want to know to help parents fight the urge to update.

1. What It Looks Like

Poor Kelly might never be able to look at another Play-Doh Fun Factory without barfing. Or at least without picturing Kris’s child taking a crap. One thing I will say about this analogy is that I’ll take “Play-Doh Fun Factory with spaghetti attachment” any day over “soft serve ice cream with the handle stuck in the on position.” The last time I read a submission like that I didn’t eat Dairy Queen for months.

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  • T.

    I think my ovaries just imploded.

  • Brittani

    We had a dog named Harley a couple of years ago. He did NOT eat shit, luckily. And least, not indoors and not when we were looking. There’s so much going on in that entry… SteveandTammy are sane on this matter but not on the whole ‘having a Facebook that isn’t accessible to your spouse and keeping your individuality’ front, Beth’s spelling and lingo made me want to vigorously headdesk. Casie is missing a letter from her name as well as the brain-keyboard filter she may have had pre-reproduction.

  • Whitney

    Oh LORD these are supremely disgusting. Oh my GOD.

  • Laura C.

    Why did you have to mention Nutella in this post?! WHYYYY?!

  • Monique

    Other people’s children are the reason I am not reproducing, but dear lord, these parents are the reason I don’t want to hear about children. It is scary to think people like these exist… Laughing about your dog enjoying your child’s feces? Despicable.

  • FluffMonster

    Never. Eating. Nutella. Again.

    • DarkestRaven

      No amount of visuals can ever steer me away from Nutella! Nutella is food of the gods!

  • Sharky

    Revolting. I seriously hope karma is real and something super-gross happens to these people and they have no ability to post it on facebook. They’ll probably die from keeping it bottled up.

  • hta

    Did anyone else glitch over having a dog named Harley and then naming your child Charlie? I only had one child but many dogs, and am super careful not to use rhyming names because it gets confusing for the dogs.

  • Patty

    I am more disgusted by the fact that Victor and his wife are not teaching their child that hand washing after wiping is essential, than I am about the description of the poop.

  • 1st-Time Mommy

    Geez, my kid’s almost potty-trained now, but I am still in no way comfortable with poop being on my clothes or my person. These parents are way too poop-casual.

  • Jami

    Thank God that I have PCOS and men never ask me out. Because this has reaffirmed the whole “I’m NEVER having children” thing for me.

    • Reality

      I have PCOS and don’t use it as an excuse to be fat. I eat healthy and run a mile every day and am 115 pounds (I’m 5’1). Stop helping create the stereotype of PCOS women being fat, lazy, self-pitying slobs.

    • Sam

      I know this was a year ago but wow, that’s is harsh! Where is she using PCOS as an excuse to be fat? YOU’RE an idiot.

  • mb

    why do parents think that anybody else cares about their kid’s poop? this is so disgusting and inconsiderate.

    unrelated: why is each submission on its own page? having to click through five different pages is really kind of annoying.

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  • Alli

    Hah, these are hilarious! Treat dropper and play-doh fun factory just killed me.

  • Elmira

    Know what I do when my dog eats human poo? I wash her off, very thoroughly. Then I wash myself equally thoroughly, because unlike Victor and his wife, my parents taught me you do that when you’ve been in contact with faeces, urine or vomit. And that’s that. I do NOT post about it on Facebook. Totally crazy, I know!

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