I’m Afraid Of My Baby’s Penis!

how to change a diaperThe thing that worries me the most about having a boy is not the early-morning hockey practices one day in the future, or even visits to the hospital for broken bones. If I can be so blunt, what scares me the most is his penis. Make that his teeny weeny penis.

I once caught a glimpse of my nephew’s penis shortly after he was born, and I was shocked, to say the least. It was the weirdest looking thing I had ever seen. All balls and, well, a a teeny weeny penis. At least I think it was; I didn’t really stay long enough to find out. I ran out of the room that my brother was changing him in, screaming, “Oh my god! Oh my god! What was that?” Needless to say, I never helped him change my nephew’s diaper again.

That was seven years ago and my first and last glimpse of a baby boy’s penis. I think, make that I know, I’m still traumatized. I’m actually saying to friends and other mothers with boys that I’m terrified of my baby boy’s penis. ‘They just look so weird,” I said to one of my friends over coffee last week. She has a boy and she laughed and said, “I know, I know.”

Maybe it will be different when it’s my baby boy and I’ll not think of his penis being so weird, like something you make out of Play-Doh. Because if I continue to think the way I do about baby penises, my fiancé is going to be doing a heck of a lot of diaper changing.

But that’s not all. Whenever I mention I’m having a boy, everyone can’t help but telling me stories of being peed on. As a gift, I received a package of Pee-Pee Teepees, these little cloth things, shaped in a triangle, that you are supposed to put over the boy’s penis while changing him, so in case he does pee, he doesn’t end up peeing on you or in your face (which seems to happen a lot according to everyone I know who has had a boy). I looked at the Pee-Pee Teepees and thought, “Seriously? I need these?” I put some on a high-up shelf and gave the rest to my daughter to use as party hats for her stuffed animals.

People, it seems, love to share stories of being peed on by their babies, just like people love to share their own labor stories. Just like bad labor stories, I’m like, “Please, stop! I don’t want to hear any more!” I don’t think it’s funny, and I know I won’t find it funny to be peed on at 3 a.m., especially in my face or hair. My gag reflexes are already on ‘ON’ just thinking about it.

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You can reach this post's author, Rebecca Eckler, on twitter.
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  • tangerine

    Everyone says that you will get peed on if you have a boy, but it never happened to me or my husband. Maybe you’ll get lucky, too.

  • Jessie

    You don’t have to do all that nonsense with the washcloth and junk. Just, when you very first open the diaper, lift it off him slightly but don’t lift it off completely and hold it just over his penis for a few seconds. It allows the cool air to reach his parts and give him that oh-so-famous sudden peeing response while still protecting you. Then once you feel safe, go about the changing as usual. :)
    I’m not a parent of a boy, or even a parent at all, but I have taken care of many a baby boy for my friends and family long enough to learn this little trick.

  • Frances

    My son is 2 years old and I’ve never been peed on, not once! I think it was a mixture of something similar to Jessie’s trick, mixed with plain good luck. Honestly though, I’m still kinda scared of his winky though.

  • Lucy

    This is just about the most stupid article I have ever read. The writer needs some serious therapy. I cannot belive this has even been published.

    • NotThumper

      Consider the source…

    • valentine

      “This is just about the most stupid article I have ever read.” You must be new to the that whole internet thing because, even if you disagree with this article, it certainly isn’t the worst. (Personally, I put that on a 1000 word lament for Justin Bieber turning 18. YMMV, though.)

      “The writer needs some serious therapy.” Because you disagree with her? That’s kind of megalomaniacal. Which usually is solved by therapy.

      “I cannot belive this has even been published.”
      As long as you are calling this article “most stupid,” then maybe you should edit the “I cannot believe…” into “I’m surprised….” Just sayin’. Cuz your way makes you having a psychotic break with reality, where other people/things might – or might not – exist, according to you. (Think about it…Keep thinking…Why is it stupid that you declare you can’t believe the article you are commenting on exists? You can do it….Wait for it…THERE you go! See? Stupid statement. My work is done here now.)

    • Julie

      Dear Valentine.. are you just here to pick people apart for not agreeing with someone? Or are you just here to judge everyone else for not being as prude as you? I’m really confused by your anger and aggression towards others here.

    • Lucy

      I think Valentine is really Rebecca Eckler!

  • Clodia

    I have 2 boys and have been peed on many many times. My oldest son peed on me way more than the baby does, though. I don’t remember either of them ever getting pee on my head, but they’ve peed on their won heads quite a few times, hehe. The weirdest thing for me is that my 6 month old loves to touch himself, which I don’t really care about, but I do get a little uncomfortable when he’s touching himself and smiles up at me and he makes himself hard. I know it’s not sexual, it just feels good to him, but yeah, still weird.

  • Cindy

    What a terrible article. My son is 20 months and I have never been peed on. You’ll be gagging at things that are a lot more gross than a little baby’s pee. Ever cleaned up runny poop that has gone everywhere – what about baby vomit, breastmilk projectile is a lot messier than half a cup of liquid.

  • Eileen

    The penis is weird. It’s weird in baby boys, and it’s weird in grown men. You’re a woman who is like 40 years old, who’s sexually active, who’s already had a kid. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you’re uncomfortable with the idea that your son will have a penis. And you know what? It’s a little gross, sure, but urine is completely sterile. Without venturing into stfu parents territory, grosser things will happen while you change his diaper.

  • Kerosena

    Awww, I think baby penises are cute. And it’s not like you’ll get peed on every time. But do try to pick up an extra pack of washcloths so you can keep them by the changing table.

  • Hmm

    Are we on candid camera? was this really an article?

    Weird how it’s seemingly socially acceptable for women to sit around giggling about baby penises- pointing them out in ultrasounds, laughing at how silly they look, their erections, etc… imagine if it were dads going on about their daughter’s privates like that.

  • valentine

    Spot on.

    I’ve actually asked my husband a similar question (“What happens to it when you walk? Like, does it just flip around…?” and “How do you sleep on your stomach? I would think it would get crushed or at least pinched sometimes … or something…?”)

    To all the commenters sitting in judgment:
    You really can’t see that something is out-of-whack with baby boys’ equipment? Really? You can’t recognize that there is a scale issue going on? That little nubbins surrounded by relatively elephantine balls isn’t sort of, um, odd?
    The author is right to say that it is all too weird…compared to everything seen up until that moment. Of course it is. (At least, if your partner looks like he should….)

    (Gotta say that those types of responses to this really smack of the parent oneupsmanship bs they play with childless or first timers. Like not minding getting sprayed in the face is a proud moment in your personal development. Personally, I hope I always rather object to it, and a host of other things parents brag about not minding. Like we should all look forward to abandoning the last shred of dignity. Hell no.)

    I think little boys’ penises ARE weird looking. And kind of alien. And it is a good thing that newborns are too young to be scarred by the “What the…? What IS that?” kind of rhetoric that comes popping out. (Apologies to my sister, and btw she laughed hard. What she DIDN’T do: get all sanctimonious about it, didn’t lecture me about how “casual” I SHOULD feel – especially since I was 22 at the time, etc. What a bunch of judgmental, holier-than-thou, emotion-nazi wankers in previous comments.)

    When I met my husband, I didn’t know what “balls” were. I knew that people would say “wow, he’s got big balls” when a guy would do something brazen, and only rarely would they say it about a girl, but I always figured that was because girls weren’t so pushy or aggressive. I just somehow never put it all together. The night that he figured out that little knowledge gap still makes him laugh. (I do take oblivious to an artform.) What he didn’t do was judge me for what I didn’t know (or hadn’t seen) before. Who the hell does that? Oh yeah, commenters here.

    For all the comments of no-big-deal-and-the author-must-be-immature, yes yes you are so superior in your too-cool-for-school responses. Unfortunately, I think this just proves how freak you like it. Remember when kissing a boy was a huge, squee-inducing deal? And then you did more than that…so kissing wasn’t IT. There is a reason the missionary position is just “the start” and people want some “creativity,” and the old stuff gets ho-hum.
    So for all you it’s-just-a-penis commenters, what the hell have you been looking at/using/inserting/plugging in/etc. that a penis (even a baby kind-of-freakish-compared-to-what-you’ve-seen-before-in-an-adult is SO ho-hum?

    All my sisters had boys. Nobody ever got peed on. Maybe we weren’t stupid enough to not follow the same shtick as Jessie (previous commenter). You’ll be fine. Just be slow to remove the diaper from the front and it’s all good.

    • She slept with Baby Daddy on first date

      Um, this isn’t about being naieve. The author admitted that she slept with this dude on the first date in order to forget her ex-boyfriend. She isn’t exactly a virgin.

    • Makabit

      Given that she is apparently very pregnant, I presume not. What does that have to do with being nervous about her son’s miniature junk?

    • Gracie287

      Who cares who she slept with and when? How is that relevant? She never claimed to have never seen a penis before. The point (as other commenters have agreed) is that *baby* penises do not look like *adult* penises, and if you are unfamiliar with them, they do look weird. Sure, in time you don’t think anything of it, but she’s pregnant with her first son, so this is a perfectly *normal* thing to think!

      Also, certain parents of sons think it’s funny (here’s a clue: it’s not) to talk waaaaaaaaaaaay too much to nervous pregnant women expecting boys about how much they will get peed on. A lot of us (me too) have been there and have been nervous about getting peed on. The people who need to grow up are the ones who think it’s funny to torture pregnant women this way.

    • She slept with Baby Daddy on first date

      It is relevant because the poster above (Valentine) implied that everyone should be freaked out by the sight of a penis – like Rebecca – unless they’ve had lots of experience with them. The poster also said that she hadn’t seen a penis or balls until she met her husband and suggests that Rebecca must be in the same boat since she finds the penis so scary.

      I merely pointed out that Rebecca Eckler is not exactly new to penises, as she has written about her sexual dalliances quite openly.

      The fact that she slept with her current boyfriend on the first date – and felt the need to share this fact with the world – suggests that she’s better acquainted with the penis than this article would have you believe.

    • Gracie287

      Um, no, I just reread the article and nowhere in it does Rebecca Eckler claim to be unfamiliar with penises in general. She says that she’s only seen a *baby* penis once before, and that it looked weird, and that being unfamiliar with *baby* penises, she’s nervous about it. Plenty of women who have lots of experience with adult penises have no experience with cleaning penises and being peed on while changing diapers. It is a new experience to her regardless of how many men she may have slept with in her life (just as the concept of “balls” was new to valentine at one point – get it?).

      Oh, but I get it – you will never approve of her because you can’t get over her sexual history. You’ve made that abundantly clear.

    • She slept with Baby Daddy on first date

      Wow. I can only assume that you are Rebecca Eckler or that you are friends with Rebecca Eckler because you seem unable to grasp the english language.

      Again, my post was largely in response to another poster – “Valentine.” If you are still having trouble with that concept, I’m sorry.

    • Gracie287

      How easy it is to assume that someone who disagrees with you is a sockpuppet. No, I do not know Rebecca Ecler. I had no difficulty grasping that you were referring to Valentine’s comment, but I happen to find slut-shaming offensive no matter the context. You obviously disagree with me on this point, so no point in arguing with you further.

    • Julie

      re-read your post and see who’s being judgmental. Wow, I thought Rebecca was rude…

  • Katie

    I love that I saw this on the top bar, where it dosent display the author, but I knew immediately who wrote it…

    • Peisma

      Yeah, me too. Saw it mentioned on one of the partner sites without the nae and just thought: “Yup, Eckler strikes again.”

    • Kel R

      She has a unique perspective doesn’t she? lol.

      Could smell her stupid from miles away.

  • Kate

    This article is really odd; time to grow up, I’d say. For the record, my son is 9 months and he’s never peed on me. And if he did, he wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened. Urine is sterile and pretty easy to clean up.

  • Emily H.

    What are you, 12? Good Lord.

    • tuesday’s child

      And the grown men you’ve been with had something that resembled the micro penis-nub of a newborn?

      Not everyone has your (ahem) experiences with a partner. Some people see only the usual adult version until much later with our own. (I thought there was something wrong with our first son until my husband who has younger brothers assured me.)

  • Shelly G

    I’ve been peed on by my four week old daughter thanks to a user error with a diaper. Truth is, when it’s your kid and you’re sleep deprived (or maybe just when it’s your kid), stuff like that doesn’t bother you as much as you thought it would. And the truth is, infant genitalia is not what you’d expect as a first time parent. But you get used to it, as you do with the lack of sleep and the concept that you now are responsible for someone who is totally dependant on you.

    People experience things differently. What causes PTSD in one person is fine to someone else. I believe that people should keep their judgments to themselves. But that’s asking a lot from people on the internet, where it’s easy to say whatever you want with total anonymity. And it’s easy to miss the satirical content of blog posts.

    • NotThumper

      Ummm, have you read any of this author’s other posts? I’m not convinced it’s satire…

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  • Somnilee

    I tried to write a comment this morning but my internet died. I can’t be bothered typing it out again so here’s the gist of it:

    I generally don’t like Ms Eckler’s posts, and I choose not to read them because we have differing opinions. This does not make her a bad person in any way.
    Yes, most of her articles you can spot a mile off, so if you know you’re not going to like it, don’t read it. Don’t waste your time reading something that will anger you, and then waste more time writing vitriolic response. Do something better with your time.
    As for the article itself I actually agree – it’s not to do with being immature, or repressed, or in any way weird. If you’re not male, don’t have brothers, cousins or experience looking after male babies (all of which apply to me) then I’ve got to admit, baby penises are weird. They’re small and I’d be worried about hurting them.
    It’s just like most other things in life that are terrifying or weird until you get used to them – think of how you reacted to the thought or event of your first period.

    Of all the people here telling Ms Eckler to grow up, I think a lot of you could do with thinking about that lesson yourself. Cut a very pregnant woman some slack. And (given comments I’ve seen since I tried to post this morning) – details of Ms Eckler’s life have nothing to do with this article at all. That’s like saying that you don’t respect a scientist’s discoveries (or a politicians ideas) because you heard they have sex on a first date – plain ridiculous.

    • Bree

      “Cut a very pregnant woman some slack.”

      What the fuck for? I’m 31 weeks along, and I’m not cutting her a damn thing. This broad is inexcusably stupid, and being pregnant has nothing to do with it.

    • Guest

      Thank you.

  • Tania

    They do look weird, don’t they?

    But, if it helps, in spite of helping out with my baby brother a lot, I was never peed on. Nor was his nanny, my mom, his dad, or anyone else who ever changed him.

    Maybe your friends just have really bad timing for diaper changes?

    • Tania

      Oh, and baby girls are SO MUCH EASIER than baby boys to clean up. Baby boys, their poop gets all over their balls and stuff so you have to clean way more than with little girls, where it’s a straight top-to-bottom wipe.

  • KD

    Ugh. The two awful stories for expecting moms: “My cousin’s best friend’s dogsitter’s stylist’s baby daddy’s otha motha labored for 13 days, bled out of her freckles, and had a 30lb baby!!”* stories, and diaper horrors (maybe just me; the first diaper I ever changed was my son’s, I’ve never babysat any kid, and I’m an only child/The Baby [my dad has a son, who lived with his mom]). On behalf of all of us: JUST QUIT. :D

    * – Yes, I’m exaggerating. I know.

  • Mrs. Lynn

    My son was born Wednesday and, of course, has already gone through multiple diaper changes. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been peed on. It’s not that bad.

  • Beth

    Hi Rebecca, I was struck too by the largeness of the balls in comparison to the penis on a newborn. What are your thoughts on the pending circumcision? I nursed my baby for an hour afterward– maybe they just didn’t use enough anesthetic but he seemed very unhappy afterward. How do you think you will react to the bloody piece of gauze around the penis while the cut heals? Just wondering…

  • Beth

    Does it put your mind at ease to know that urine hot off the presses is sterile? You won’t catch a disease from being peed on.

  • Too scared to tell you

    Have any feelings regarding the circumcision, Rebecca?

    • The Raven

      A related unspoken logic is a good part of the reason why millions of American and Canadian mothers have their newborn sons circumcised. Seeing foreskin takes them completely out of their comfort zone. The penis that Mother Nature designed is a Total Alien for so many women. After all, no dude they dated ever looked like that…

  • Lindsay

    This was funny, but, damn. Chill out, lady.

  • B

    Rebecca, you really don’t think you will be able to mother a male? It is normal to be nervous. You will simply learn by experience.

  • Larz0

    Was this written by a 12-year-old?

    • Young Intern

      She’s pushing 40 but has the maturity of a 12 year old. And that’s being generous.

    • Kel R

      Kind of. Her brain just halted development at 12.

  • The Mommy Psychologist

    Is this article for real? I read the first few paragraphs and then couldn’t read anymore. It was insulting to my intelligence. I think after today, I may officially be done with Mommyish. Not just because of this one singular ridiculously poor and laughable article, but the series of articles that are written which are completely unresearched and poorly written. Ugh….

    “The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself.” http://www.themommypsychologist.com

    • Julie

      It’s only Rebecca’s articles that are insulting. I still read the site, but try to avoid her writing. I’m really not sure why Mommyish still has her write for them, because most of the time the comments are so negative. Usually, when I do read her articles, it’s because I’m looking for a laugh- at her expense. She’s the rudest, most self-absorbed, self-righteous author you’ll find here.

    • Kel R

      Don’t let her idiocy ruin the site for you. I think she might be special needs and they are forced to let her write articles just like walmart is forced to allow special needs people to work as greeters.

      Scratch that. That was really rude of me. It’s insulting to the special needs people to put Rebecca Eckler on their level.

  • daughter

    seriously? what the fuck is wrong with you? get some therapy woman.

    i suppose it’s because i began babysitting at a young age and was exposed to babies of both genders, that genitalia never phased me. i was peed and pooped on from the age of ten years and on. completely yucky, but it never killed me. baby penises are cute. and frankly i LOVE the adult ones!!! i could play with my lover’s penis for hours!!!

    • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule

      finally! someone who’s normal

  • Hippy Chick

    New drinking game: Take a swig every time the word penis appears in this article!

    • daughter

      LOL! and all the comments too!

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  • Kel R

    This is why the government needs to start testing people prior to approving them for reproduction. Otherwise, people like Rebecca Eckler will continue to reproduce, creating more Rebecca Eckler’s. Dumb breeds dumb.

    • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule


    • analyzethis2

      Reproduction of the species is not an area I wish any government to be involved with, quit asking the government to be responsible for everything in your child’s life from inoculation’s, cribs, diaper’s, car seats, strollers, toys, the government, that is you has already taken over, I do not wish them to tell me where and when and in whom I can deposit my semen.

  • Jefferey

    Grow up. One half of humanity has penises, the other vaginas. Get over it.

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  • steinnn

    Are you for real??

  • http://www.facebook.com/1.Legend.King Legend King

    You shouldnt be a mother. Period.

    • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule


  • Amaya

    Wow you are an idiot, i have more of a problem with how fascinated you are with baby penises….That’s what’s disturbing. And yes some women do not know what to do with a their baby girls vagina….. That is common especially newborns, their vagina looks like testicles…And you never want to hurt your baby and get worried about how sensitive their privates might be when it comes to cleaning…. Either way, grow up and stop thinking about baby penises, It seems you think about them way to much.

  • Shannah

    …This is so immature. We all know the normal thing when you’re pregnant is to think about the baby’s genitals. ._.

    • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule

      If you think about his genitals, don’t mutilate them with a knife…

  • John

    What’s your IQ score?

  • mk

    =/ I was disturbed reading the article ……………….

  • BenA

    If you’re scared of your babies penis how the crap did you get pregnant? LOL

  • shaun

    Honey you shouldn’t be afriad of an infant or child’s penis. Now an adult penis like mine could be scary. Mine could do some real damage and affect you mobility for life:)

  • Lila

    You’re wierd.

  • Thisarticleisdumb

    If you want to offend people and want sound like a child then dont bother writing anymore ariticles. I dont think anyone will miss not reading them.

  • http://twitter.com/DemonnPrincess 茶ん手楽

    Oh my gosh, everybody shut up. Nobody forced you to read the article, you CHOSE to click on the article and read it so don’t go insulting the person who wrote it. I had this fear when I was younger because I was being molested and that made me afraid of ANY penis let along my baby cousin’s. This person’s fear came about differently but it doesn’t maker her stupid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

    Well, wasn’t really expecting to read a 2 page article about baby penis today, thought maybe it was going to be a story about something not being right, instead it’s some woman praddling on and on about how they look, with the word penis used more times then what you’d read in an anatomy book. Found it a little strange, I find this lady a little strange. I mean, if someone walked up to me and the only thing they could speak of their unborn was what they think about their genitals, i’d probably be weirded out and walk away.

    • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule

      I think she’s a danger to her baby. She needs psychiatric evaluation because she does not sound normal.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jen-Clark/100000568225513 Jen Clark

      I wouldn’t go as far as saying she’s a danger to her child, but if you are familiar with Rebecca Eckler, and have read and browsed her comments section under her other articles, she often posts some very strange things, and on an article I read before this one, she came on attacking and bullying some of the regulars because she thought they posted too often or didnt like their comments. She tried to harass one of them into giving her place of occupation in the comments to strangers just to “prove” that person was a teacher, and bashed her when she didnt. I would honestly say she is probably unstable.

  • http://twitter.com/ShpongleEyez The Spirit Molecule

    You’re f***ing crazy. It looks the way it’s supposed to look. Please seek medical psychiatric assistance to solve your issues before you hurt your baby, such as causing him permanent bodily harm or mutilating his manhood by telling a doctor to cutoff his most sensitive and nerve riddled part of his boyhood. The 4skin.

  • sdfghjk

    That poor baby boy. its a penis for god sake grow up god

  • Gay