sex pregnancyHaving sex while pregnant is a lot like learning to drive. At least that’s what it would sound like to an outsider: “Okay, a little slower. That’s right! Good. Wait…okay…a little too the left…to the right…Slow! Slow!” I was thinking about this as I was in the middle of having sex last week, which I probably shouldn’t have been thinking about.

My sex life has not diminished at all since I’ve become pregnant (only five weeks left!), but it’s definitely gotten more difficult. My fiancé, out of concern, actually said to me recently, “We should have a ‘safe’ word, just in case you’re in pain or I’m hurting you.” I responded with the suggestion, “How about ‘Get the F*** off of me!’” Or, simply, “Stop!”

The problem, I’ve learned, is that my ‘normal’ grunting and groaning during sex actually sounds a lot like I’m in pain. Who knew? Too many times to count, my fiancé has asked, “Are you okay? Is everything okay?” while we’re doing it, and I’ll be like, “Um, yeah! Everything is fine! Continue!” And he’ll respond, “Oh, I thought I was hurting you,” and I’ll be like, “Nope, those are my usual sex sounds!”

But recently it’s been very difficult to have sex. It has nothing to do with our combined three other children being around or that I’m not feeling frisky. It really has just become, well, difficult. This big belly in front of me makes it hard to do anything, really, including walking. I feel a bit badly that my fiancé is, quite literally, doing all the work. Thus far, I’ve gained 42 pounds and that’s a lot of weight to move around. All I can basically do during sex time is lie on my back with a pillow propped behind my head. I could sit on top of him, but I’m a little embarrassed by how I look. (I’m sorry! I know. I know. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. I have to get over it!) And I worry that I’m hurting him.

Sometimes, he can roll one of my legs over, so I’m half on my side, which is a pretty good position, until I realize I’m having a hard time breathing. There’s no way I can lie on my stomach. And don’t let them fool you. No matter how much yoga you practiced before getting pregnant, once you have a huge belly in front of you, it really doesn’t matter how flexible you are. Your legs just don’t go that way any more.

Not only am I sometimes embarrassed by how little I can do, or how big I have gotten, but then there is the post-sex part. The post-sex part sounds something like this: Me going, “Can you please roll me onto my side and then prop me up?” Or, “Help me up!” And then I’ll look like the most ungraceful naked person in the world. A couple of weeks ago, I literally ROLLED off the bed afterwards to get on my hands and knees so I could then stand up.

Not that I’m complaining just yet (well, I am, but I could complain a lot more). What I’m really worried about is what will happen post-baby. Because I know I’m having a C-section, and had one with my first, I know I’m not going to be having good old fashioned intercourse for at least a month to two months afterwards. My fiancé’s first wife didn’t have C-sections for their two children, so I’ve been preparing my fiancé for what’s about to come. (In other words, not him. Ha ha.) I’m not going to be having intercourse for almost two months soon enough, which means he won’t be having intercourse for almost two months. I don’t think we’ve gone more than five days without having sex since we’ve met, and I’m not quite sure he understands how serious an operation a C-section is and that I will be out of commission for a while.

So I’ve been warning him, sometimes only half-joking that, “Your very own push present is going to be a basket of lubrication.” (Unlike him, who recently had booth a serious tooth operation and calf operation, there’s no way I’ll be in the mood, or NOT following doctor’s orders, and having sex THE same day!) These days I can’t quite stay in the moment, shall we say. I’m all, “You should be savoring this moment,” to him, and, “Remember, you’re going without for six weeks!” Also I’m trying not to sound too much like a driving instructor with my, “Okay, to the left…a little slower…good…back up….Slow down!” After all, I can’t name one person who was ever attracted to their driver ed teacher. Even my role-playing the other night as a pregnant call girl is sexier than that.

(Photo: Maram/Shutterstock)