• Wed, Apr 18 2012

STFU Parents: 5 Parents Answering Themselves On Facebook

Back in December, I wrote about the trend of people talking to themselves on Facebook by setting up accounts for their babies and “engaging” with them online. But what about all of the people who don’t set up accounts for their kids and still treat Facebook like the ideal place to hear themselves talk? You’d be surprised how many people do what I call “answering themselves” by posting a status update and then returning to post a comment on that update with no prompting from their friends. It’s actually kind of hilarious. Sometimes the person comments mere seconds after the initial status update, as if to say, “Whoops, I meant to include this!” Other times they return days later to update, like it’s not a dead giveaway that no one else cares since no one else ever commented. Usually, the updates are related to some kind of bodily fluid or horrific diaper blowout, which might be a hint as to why no one else commented. While some parents have friends who love discussing such details, most people appreciate not knowing that a friend’s baby’s poop has turned from a fluorescent green to more of a mustard brown.

To give you some examples of what I mean – and help prove why it’s probably not in a person’s best interest to comment on her own status update unless the comment is actually funny – here are Five People Answering Themselves On Facebook:

1. Sleep Schedule

When babies are very young, all they do (for the most part) is sleep, poop, eat, burp, and cry. All of those things occur with frequency, although not necessarily at the same times every day, which parents occasionally document in a baby book. Or, these days, on Facebook. Absolutely no one cares.

2. From One Orifice To The Next

 

PJ’s got some “daddy issues” to work out, and by “daddy issues” I mean, “PJ needs to buck up and stop acting like his baby is the first baby in history to take a dump and puke everywhere.” I understand that by adding, “But I love daddying all the same!!”, he’s attempting to be light, loving, and grateful, but to me he just sounds like a dude who needs a diary where he can let it all out, so to speak.

3. Guessing Games

 

No one guessed, Johanna. Everyone was scared of what you would say, so no one guessed, but an hour later you told your friends anyway. I hope you felt some sense of satisfaction in that.

4. Tagging and Teasing

 

Baby Giada is SOOO lucky her mother isn’t tagging information about her poo-smeared wall on her Facebook page! Oh, how embarrassed Giada would be if her mother did that…and Giada could read! In the meantime, Vita is going to talk about her little poo-smearing child on her own Facebook page behind Giada’s back, because HA! That’s what wicked mothers do! Or, should I say, doo.

Humiliation factor for Giada: 2/10. Humiliation factor for Vita for sharing this information on Facebook: 9.6/10

5. Constipation

 

You can sort of watch the lightbulb go off above Heather’s head by the end of this update. I’m a little unsure as to why she felt the need to publish the comment, knowing that it had been 20 minutes since her initial update and no one seemed particularly interested or concerned about Sabrina’s bowels, but there it is. Apparently Heather really needed her friends to know that it was NOT constipation, and Sabrina’s poops are good and healthy. Whew! Glad that’s been settled! I’m sure Heather’s friends were quite pleased to get the update.

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  • K.

    Whenever I see parents doing this on FB, I feel the urge to stage an intervention.

    You know, get them a cup of coffee and say something like, “Aw honey, there’s no need to talk about baby poop with yourself over the internet. Come with me, that’s it, easy does it, just keep heading towards the sunlight. It’ll all be okay…”

    • Tinyfaeri

      K, you know more than one person that does this?? I don’t know any of these people, even the chronic over-sharers. I feel oddly cheated.

    • K.

      Ha! Sadly, I’m not that popular and have a pretty modest FB group of friends and thankfully, none of them do this.

      But I have seen it on my DH’s feed because he will accept friend requests from anyone and everyone–they’re all from people I don’t recognize, and I’m sure he probably doesn’t know himself (or they were from his HS or something and he hasn’t talked to them in years).

      And boy, do I see it all the time on STFU, Parents!

  • LiteBrite

    Here’s my question (and I’m asking this in all sincerity): why do some parents feel the need to publish minute-by-minute accounts of their children’s bodily functions? Here’s an even better question: why publish the kid’s bodily functions at all?

    I get the desire to talk about your child. I publish all kinds of stuff about my son on FB – particularly the funny and strange convos we have . In fact, sometimes I think I need to STFU about him. But I can say with all certainty that I’ve never published anything about my kid’s poop or any other thing that has come out of one of his orifices. Nor have I had the desire.

    So, for any parent reading this who has done this, I’m asking the question in all seriousness. Why?

    (P.S. I also want to add that not only have I not done it, I don’t know any one of my parent friends who has either.)

    • MNFARMZ

      I think people that over-share these sorts of things over-share in everything. I’m basing this theory on one friend, and the habits I’ve observed over the years. So, I have an N of 1, but whatever. Anyway, this particular person was a pioneer of over-sharing. Well before there was a kid or a husband or a Facebook, she over-shared details of her mother’s alcoholism, her sexual exploits, her brother’s anger issues, you name it. In the early days of email, these sorts of details went out to a large list. Or they were told to a table full of unsuspecting diners. Today, she has a larger audience via FB, and there are many, many posts about the kid and the pee/poop/tantrum habits.

    • LiteBrite

      @MNFARMZ, I think you’re right. I also think that some parents believe that anything that comes out of their kid is cute simply because it is a kid. A good litmus test for parents (or anyone else) inclined to overshare is to ask themselves, “Is this something I would post about myself?” For example, would you post something like “Wow, I had to hose myself off because I made a huge poop mess!” No? Then it doesn’t work for your kid either.

    • Renee

      I think some of it is genuine boredom and not having anything else to talk about. I felt like a poo zombie when I was a stay at home mum but thankfully I never felt the need to post on Facebook about it.

    • ladycrim

      Reminds me of this quote from a Dave Barry book: “You could have a couple who, prior to their child’s birth, talked about great works of art and literature. Once the kid is born, however, their conversations revolve around the amount and consistency of their child’s stool, to the point where nobody invites them over for dinner.”

  • Karaisoke!

    While I find these gross, I’m still glad parents post in the same thread rather than starting 50 new ones.

  • Erin W

    Actually, of these, P.J.’s bothers me the most, and not because of content.

    “Heinous,” P.J. The word is “heinous.”

    • STFU Parents

      The spelling is both problematic and extremely ironic.

    • Leah

      I couldn’t even figure out what he meant. Bonus points for you.

  • Kelly

    I agree that these posts need to stop… but I get really sick of seeing the ones from people who have “perfect’ children. Their child ALWAYS are the ones who win all the awards, win in all the games in sports, Always have perfect scores on tests and the teachers always brag to the parents and everyone else how wonderful their child is. I can understand being proud… but there is no such thing as the perfect child. I am proud of my children, but I have never called them perfect or bragged to the point where people start defriending me.

  • Katie

    I dont understand poo updates.

    People who care about your kids poo:
    You
    Sometimes your kids doctor
    Sometimes your kid, but often not

    I have a few people on my facebook who talk about their kids CONSTANTLY. Also, I find that any time I write a status update about ANYTHING someone comments “How’s Sage?” Did I stop being a person after her birth or something like that?

    • K

      Yeah, I wonder if people realize that they’re being rude when they don’t acknowledge you sans daughter. Also, Sage is a lovely name!

  • Mir

    Everytime I read STFU parents I feel like I need to find someone on my FB that’s posting poopy comments and how gifted their baby is. Alas, my friends are way too normal and only post soccer photos and talk about the latest sales at the gas station.