Unbearable: After A Miscarriage, Pregnancy Is Just As Terrifying As Infertility

Pregnancy TestHaving a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

In January, I lost a baby and a Fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy. I can say that without crying now, so it obviously gets easier to cope with over time. Our doctor warned us that I would need three months before my body would be ready for us to try conceiving again. Guess what? Our three months are up!

In many ways, I’m thrilled to begin this journey again. Obviously, we still want to have more kids. Not trying has been a little odd these past three months. I feel like I’m ready to push forward and continue on our journey. And even though it didn’t work out, I know that my husband and I can get pregnant, so I feel like I’m even more determined.

“I’m ready,” I keep telling my husband, hoping that my enthusiasm will translate into a child somehow.

Then, the nightmares start. In the past week, I’ve been plagued by a recurring theme. Every night, I’m elated to finally see that second pink line. Then, the pain sets in and I suffer through what seems like hours of tests and doctors only to find that I’m having another ectopic pregnancy. I lose my other Fallopian tube and every chance of ever having my own children.

I wake up, and I could swear that my abdomen is re-experiencing that excruciating pain of a growing baby in a very small tube.

I’m ready to keep trying to have a baby, but I have realized that this process will always carry a touch of fear from now on. It’s not just that I might not have a child, but fear that everything will go wrong. It’s the fear of losing a child before I ever get to know it again. It’s a fear of my last Fallopian tube bursting and bleeding out.

For a year and a half, every month seemed to hold one of two possibilities. I was going to be pregnant and thrilled or I was not going to be pregnant and we would just have to try again. Now, this process is tainted by a third reality. It might not be “pregnant or not pregnant.” It might be tragic. It might end my attempt to have another child, it might end my ability to ever have kids or it might end my life. This process is much more scary now.

Having a miscarriage was horrible, but I was lucky to come through the grieving process pretty smoothly. I have an amazing husband and child to be thankful for. I have a supportive network of friends and family members. But I am aware that I might not be able to handle it all over again. I know that experiencing that pain again might be too much for me to get through quickly and unscathed. Before miscarriage was a distant threat, but it now seems like a real option.

My body has healed from my ectopic pregnancy and my sadness has abated over time. But maybe the fear is the part that you don’t move on from. I think it’s possible that whenever I find myself pregnant again, it will be a strange mix of excitement, happiness, and a little terror, leftover from an experience that it’s impossible to fully forget.

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    • Pregnancy after Miscarriage

      Getting pregnant after miscarriage is difficult, but may still not be put on a cross. For that pull yourself together and adjust itself to be a positive. In order to have you become pregnant again after a miscarriage, you should take some of better and important suggestions.

    • Shelly G

      I got pregnant nine months after my miscarriage. I kept giving myself milestones – “I’ll stop worrying when we see the baby’s heartbeat” or “I’ll stop worrying when we hit the second trimester.” Eventually, something did go wrong – we found out my placenta had stopped working (turns out, it had calcified) two days before I hit 37 weeks, and they induced me three days later. I had a healthy (if small) baby girl and realized that all my worrying took away from connecting with her when she was inside of me. Apparently, this is quite normal and had no affect on my feelings for my daughter once she came out.

      The point is, it’s normal to worry. And especially going through an ectopic, your OB will keep a close eye on you and help ease your fears of another one, don’t ever be afraid to speak up on all of it.

    • Pingback: The Competing Messages Of Pregnancy And Infertility After 40 | Celebrity Mess

    • Glen Victoria

      My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for six years now. We recently have been seeing a fertility specialist. We have done one IUI with no luck. My husband has a sperm count which goes up and down,(the doctor has recomended him taking the Proxeed supplement which he is doing going on the second month now. He also has low motility and morphology. The fertility treatments are already getting so expensive, we may have to stop real soon. The doctor has recomended that we I take injections of HMG to bring on ovalutation, followed by another IUI. (IVF is totally out of the question because of the expense. Getting to my question now, How is this going to help or will this be effective when it’s my husband who has low sperm count? It just seems to me that if the sperm are unable to fertilize the egg it will not matter how many are produced. I am was so confused until i contacted this powerful spell caster called Dr Babaka Wolf who help me with his oracle spell which he obtained from his father who he always called BABAKA , i was help by his spell powers to conceive and now i am gave birth to a bouncing baby boy called LENNIS WART, we are happily settled in our family and glad to have this spell caster as our father, thank you SIR Dr Babaka Wolf for helping me get pregnant, you can reach him now via email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com