• Wed, Feb 8 2012

Love & Sex Week: I Love My Kids More Than I Love My Husband

love husband childrenWhen my husband and I made our wedding vows in the fall of 2002, I swore to love and honor and cherish him. Then we had kids.

Don’t get me wrong: 10 years and two daughters later, I still love the man I married. But like most moms out there, I would sacrifice anything, including my husband, for my children. And though we’ve never discussed it, he knows this about me, and I think it upsets him.

If the topic were ever to come up, I’d probably justify my feelings by telling him to ask any mother out there if she feels otherwise. In my opinion, he’d be hard-pressed to find someone to admit that yes, they love their husband more than they love their children.

The smart and diplomatic among us might say, “I love them all equally” – just as we’re programmed to say about our actual children. But they’d secretly think, “If I had to pull just one person from a burning house, it would be my child, no question about it.”

I mean, what mom wouldn’t say that?

To date, I have only found one. That would be writer Ayelet Waldman, who in 2009 confessed that she loves her husband more than her four children. People were aghast! Some even labelled her “bad mom.” Here’s a snippet of what she had to say:

I used to worry what was wrong with me. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn’t transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children? Why aren’t my precious children the center of my universe, as they appear to be for every other mother?

When my first daughter was born, my husband held her in his hands and exulted: ‘She’s so beautiful.’ And she was. Friends came to coo over her. I remember one marvelling: ‘Aren’t you completely in love?’ And of course I was. Only not with my baby.

I do love her. But I’m not in love with her. Nor am I in love with her two brothers or sister. Don’t get me wrong. I relish spending time with them. In fact, I quit my high-powered job as a lawyer when my eldest child was 17 months old because I missed her so much…

But, while I cherish the time I have with my children, I’m not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband. It is his face – not theirs – that leaves me aching with infatuated devotion. Quite simply, I love my husband more than I love my children.

Truth be told, I know lots of women – myself included – who may have been surprised by Waldman’s “confession,” but who were also envious. “Where is my burning passion?” we’d ask ourselves late at night, husbands snoring by our sides.

And I think that’s what tends to happen. We’re so busy running around, caring for and nurturing these little beings, that we often don’t have enough to give to our partners – at least not while the kids are little and require constant attention. I have friends who are over the hump – their children are becoming more self-sufficient and they suddenly have a renewed interest in sex, date night, adult conversation (all the things that made them fall in love with their partner in the first place). [tagbox tag="marriage"]

But when the kids are whining and there’s no food in the fridge and it’s freezing cold outside and nobody has slept, we tend to look at our unshaven husbands and think, “How did I get here?” We still love them, yes, but the passion is on hiatus, let’s just say.

Then we’ll look down at our kids, all wide-eyed and innocent, and we’ll feel a pang of love like no other. It’s that mother-child connection that, even in the most trying of moments, never disappears. And is it ever powerful!

I guess the trick is differentiating the various types of love we feel for our family members. Like most moms I know, I love my kids unconditionally. I love my husband, too, but it’s not innate – at least not in the same way. And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me. So there you have it.

Waldman may have gotten shit for her big revelation, but I’m going to the other extreme here by saying, You know what? I love my children more than my husband. And I don’t care who knows it.

(Photo: Dynamic Graphics)

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  • CW

    Ayelet Waldman appears seriously co-dependent on her husband. I mean, I love my DH dearly and I would be extremely sad should God forbid he have an untimely passing. But I know that I would be able to go on with my life, unlike Waldman who wrote that she cannot imagine her life going on if her husband died. She seriously needs psychological help!

    • Heather

      Give me a break, Ms. Amateur Psychologist! Just because someone cannot imagine their life going on without a husband/lover/family member, they need psychological help? Maybe she’s a little extreme; and if he did die, she maybe would need help, but lots of people do. PLUS, “loving someone a lot” is not exactly what codependency is anyway — look it up. Codependency isn’t even a formally recognized disorder.

      Being dependent on someone for your emotional well-being is not always healthy, but it’s not necessarily pathological or even that disruptive. Maybe you should know a little bit more about these accusations you throw before you sound off so confidently.

      Also, interpretations of people’s imagined reactions to death are so subjective and, often, inaccurate because some things are too difficult to think about realistically. To some, your expectation that you’d feel “extremely sad” if your husband died might seem like an understatement — maybe you don’t love him enough! And think about the horrendous grief you would feel if you children died? I personally cannot imagine my life going on if my own mother died! But, people adapt when things actually happen, even though the idea of such tragedy is unfathomable.

    • Cee

      Wow..nevermind a chill pill, Heather, you need a few midols and to change that tampon of yours, darling.

      It’s kind of funny that you chide someone for being an amateur psychologist, yet you seem to be doing the same thing…It’s just one of those days, huh?

    • HanaLee

      Actually Cee.

      As a practicing counselor. Heather is technically correct. I don’t agree with the name calling etc. (and really with the tampon comment?) but Heather has the correct definitions in regards to codependency etc.

      It’s sad that everyone is throwing stones. To each family their own as long as no one is being harmed (and there are ZERO indications that Waldman or Winston’s families were irreparably harmed by either admission). Everything in moderation. It is absolutely unhealthy to place anyone (even ones children) on a pedestal. You lose who YOU are if your only identity is as “So and So’s Mom” or “So and So’s Wife”. Not to mention the immense pressure it places on the person ON the pedestal. It doesn’t HAVE to be all or nothing.

    • CW

      I don’t think it is at all healthy to be so enmeshed with one’s spouse as Ms. Waldman appears to be. When I read her writing on this topic, it’s downright creepy the Svengali-ish hold he has over her. Loving one’s spouse is wonderful, but she seems to have totally lost her own identity apart from being his wife. And people are holding that up as a GOOD thing, rather than something that would benefit from psychotherapy?

    • meteor_echo

      @Cee
      I’m pretty sure that you’re either an Alien or have verbal incontinence. You’re spitting acid, it splatters everyone around and stinks, too. Also, is a tampon comment the best you could come up with?

      @CW
      You’re not everyone. Different people react to their beloved ones’ deaths very differently and it’s NORMAL. There’s no such thing as an arbitrary standard of grief, and you better learn to deal with it if you don’t want to insult anyone close to you at some point in their lives.

  • Amanda

    I actually knew a woman that claimed to love her husband over her 3 children any day. Then she cheated on him and lost everything, including custody of her kids.

    But I digress…since we’ve had our first child I think it’s pretty clear who my number 1 is. And I think it may irk my husband a bit, but I also think he knows this is temporary. When our son is older and even out of the house, he knows he’ll reclaim his numero uno status. And I think that he’s ultimately okay with that, because deep down, he probably feels the same way. Our son is the center of our universe(s), both separately and together.

  • Cee

    Well your husband knows it. Not only that…I think most moms are putting their children in a very high pedestal and their husbands in a basement when it comes to allocating their love and time. That is why we have such high divorce rates, unhappy marriages, cheating husbands and self centered children.

    Mothers today pour their love and frustrations to their kids, creating a very codependent child and a husband left out in the cold. I think there are times where moms SHOULD put their children first. But there are also times where a wife should put her partner first, you did marry him for a reason, right?

    • Heather

      While I agree with your observation that perhaps choosing kids over husband (instead of achieving a balance of love for both) might contribute to divorce, I don’t see how it’s all about “mothers today” ….at what point did mothers habitually love their husbands more than their children, or at least equally? This generalization can’t really stand up to the fact that only recently has marriage really become about love, rather than procreation, economics, tradition, etc. Maybe your pointing to a time when traditional household roles indicated that women fawn over husbands and take care of them the same way they do children? This difference could very well be contributing to divorces, but I’m not sure it’s a bad thing!

      And again, dropping the term codependent. Do you even know what that means?

      And can’t you put your husband first in husband-appropriate situations and children first in child-appropriate situations? The relationships are very different, and I think both need time and attention but in different ways. What about husbands giving their wives more attention or children more attention? Why is it always women who must be the caregivers and caretakers?

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      what about my husband taking care of me? he should do 50% lol

    • Cee

      Well the high number of mom blogs that praise even the poop that comes out of their children’s diaper and hates on everything a husband does, does seem to paint a picture on “mothers today.”

      Secondly, have you seen the number of children that never leave the nest, and the mothers that refuse to let their children leave the nest because moms have created a very child centric home, thats pretty codependent if you ask me.

      I didn’t say husbands aren’t care givers anywhere. The topic wasn’t about a husband loving their kids/wife more. This was about a wife/mother/woman, who doesn’t seem to balance, sometimes it happens to husbands. If this was a husband writing this, I would write it the same.

      Now take a chill pill.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      umm are you forgetting children are living beings you created in the world the only ones you carried for almost 1 year in your body you f-ing bet MY BABIES WILL COME FIRST… i love my mother more than anything today i am there for her after all my dad died last year..if she never put me first i wouldn’t be there for her..now i’m the one helping her in her old age..its your kids what you give and put into them now is what they will give onto you later..your husband cheats on you and you never loved your children as much …then now what who do you love now after you find out your husband had some affair with some tramp? huh? your kids are your kids husbands can come and go…

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      What if you have a husband who never cheats on you and does for you far more than anybody else in the whole world, including your children? My dad does far more for my mom than me or any of us kids would do. In fact, I wonder how he is able to put up with some of my mom’s behavior! Even I despite being her son, who she NOT only carried for 9 months but had to go through CESARIAN BIRTH, do not have that type of patience and love that my dad has for her.

      Cheating husbands? Haha do you know recent research has shown that women are able to hide their cheating more effectively than men, for all I know cheating is a phenomenon that is as common among women as much as men or maybe more. And who says your kids are reliable? My parents take care of each other more than we kids take care of them and what makes you so sure your kids will take care of you after your spouse dies. And granted even if they did, it was because of your spouse why these kids are in your life who then have grown up and are taking care of you.

    • Stella

      I agree with Heather. Do you really believe that high divorce rates, unhappy marriages, and cheating husbands are due to wives loving their children too much? Husbands are always giving and giving, always putting their beloved wife first, and those selfish women are always ignoring them and their needs in favor of the children, is that it?

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      ok if the mother doesn’t put the kid first WHO WILL THEN? CEE? WHO? THE HUSBAND? he won’t? most men are greedy and needy right? they need all the attention…so whos going to watch out for the kids? who’s going to love them and if a fire happens forget your 3 year old but safe the 40 year old man…

  • Tess

    Well, prepare to meet another one. I love my partner more than my child and I identified a lot with Ayelet Waldman’s article when it came out, as I still do today. I love my child immensely and I shudder to even think what life would be like without her smiling, sunny face in my life, but she isn’t the center of my world. That would be my partner, my rock, who has been with me through the crises and the windfalls and knows me better than anyone else on this earth. My partner is my soulmate and, while my child is my child, my partner is the most important person to me.

  • Wendy

    I have a 3 week old baby girl who is absolutely the most gorgeous thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage comes first. One day, she’ll get to grow up and leave our house, but my husband will still be there.

    My grandparents have just celebrated their 63rd anniversary, and even though they had their first child 9 months after they married, they’ve still spent 3 times as long without children as they did with them. If you love your kids more than your partner and spend all your time investing in that relationship, what’s left when they leave the nest?

    I have friends whose parents split up when the kids were all grown up because they had nothing left for each other. Then, without realising it, they hurt their adult children while thinking they’d done everything right all along.

    • Cee

      Agree!

    • Laura

      Agreed! I identified much more with the author she was criticizing than the author of this piece! I love my child dearly, but I am IN love with my husband. The best thing that we can do for her is to provide her with an example of how people should treat one another, trust one another, love one another and disagree with one another.

      I find the author’s infatuation with her children a bit strange and I’m sure it’s a little upsetting to her husband as well.

    • Ellie

      I completely agree. There are too many couples out there who submerge their lives in their children’s lives and come out with nothing left when they are gone. But you chose your partner for the long haul. At least that’s the way it used to be. If you just chose someone to be a sperm donor then don’t complain later when you have grown apart.

    • Pfft

      I totally agree!

      I’m not very religious but I did grow up in the church and I do still think a husband and wife should cleave to each other as the Bible says. I don’t think it says anything about cleaving to your children however.

      People need to stop using their children as surrogate substitutes for marital intimacy and affection. If more people put their spouses first, there would probably be less affairs and less divorces. Hell will freeze over before I drive my husband to think that “Suzie Q. Secretary” treats him nicer and finds him more interesting than I ever do!

      I’m sorry but I do love my kids and I would die for them but I am IN LOVE with their father, my husband. My kids get everything they could want and need and that includes to parents that love them but are also in love with each other and model a respectful, attentive and affectionate marriage for them.

      One day the kids grow up and move out and hopefully, your spouse will still be there when they do. If your kids are the “glue” in your relationship and if you don’t keep putting in the work to keep your marriage strong, affectionate and fun, then what’s to say it won’t fall apart when the last kid leaves home?

      I too have seen adult children of divorce and they are usually in worse shape than little children whose parents divorce. There are also studies that say that teens handle divorce a lot harder than preschool aged children.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      but what if your husband cheats on you? will he still come first? and your daughter can still go to hell?

  • Amanda

    How about this: I can say that I love my husband more than my beautiful daughter, but my responsibility for her is very powerful. Again, the burning house scenario: if our house was burning down, and I had to save one, I would choose my daughter, because that is my job. As her mother, my job is to protect her from harm and keep her well and happy. I love my husband, and I can’t imagine my life without him, but he is more than capable of saving himself, and on top of that I think he would agree with me that our job is to save our helpless child.

    But when I think of who the center of my universe is, who is my partner and confidant, I think of my husband. Without him, I wouldn’t have my daughter. He is the center of all that is good in my life, and I very much believe that as long as we have a healthy, strong marriage our children will be better for it.

    • Taz

      couldn’t have said it better!

    • Jillian83

      Amanda:

      You are so right! It’s a very different type of love. Being IN love and LOVING someone are very different things! Neither are bad or good, but very different and comparing the two is like comparing apples and oranges. Your response was spot on! :o)

    • Ellie

      Applause!

  • Wolfmother

    The idea of loving anything or anyone, no matter what or who it is, more than one’s children is nauseating to me. I brought my son into this world. He came from my body. There is nothing and no one that will ever come between that, including his father. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop appreciating or spending time with or loving my husband – on the contrary. I love him all the more because he not only gave me this beautiful boy, he’s here in the thick of it, supporting us and doing anything and everything in the world to make sure we’ve got a good life. He’s a wonderful man. Would I choose him over my baby? Absolutely not. I can’t with certainty say that my husband and I are going to ride off into the sunset together. My son, on the other hand, is mine forever.

    • Laura

      Until he gets married. Your outlook on marriage is a bit concerning. Why get married if you can’t say with certainty that it’s forever. I took my vows seriously and it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses but we’re together for the long haul.

    • Taz

      you say your son matters more because he came from your body…how did he get in there? without the man you wouldn’t have the baby.

    • Wolfmother

      He’s my baby now, at thirteen months, and he’ll be my baby when he walks down the aisle, has his own babies, loses his hair, so forth and so on. He’ll have his own life one day and I’ll certainly respect that, but he will always be my son.

      I personally did as well, but I’m also realistic. Things happen. People change, and people split up. There’s no way to know what’s going to happen. We can hope, sure, and I do, but I’m not just going to throw my common sense to the wolves because I love a man.

    • Wolfmother

      Taz: Yes, thank you, I’m aware. If you would read on, I would say that I love my husband all the more because he gave me my son. However, if it comes right down to it, my child will always come first.

      That isn’t to say I don’t balance things out – I do. We have the ability to infinitely love. There’s room in my heart for both of my boys, and I love and appreciate both of them in different ways. I love them in different ways.

    • ABC

      You don’t think anyone will ever come between you and your son? LOL, you are in for a shock when he meets the girl of his dreams.

    • Wolfmother

      And that will be fine, ABC. When he’s grown and making his own decisions, I’m not going to get in the way of that. That has no bearing on the fact that he will still be my kid, regardless of how far I’ll have to step back once he becomes a man, a husband, a father, etc.

      Most of you seem to have mistaken my dedication to my son with obsession. I’m not at all one of those psycho crunchy mothers – I just have a firm grasp on my priorities. My number one priority is taking care of my boy, and raising him to be a good man. That isn’t to say that I don’t love, appreciate, and do anything I can for my husband. I do, and he is the exact same way. Our baby comes first for both of us, and that’s how we like it.

    • Lisa

      Frankly, you sound unhealthy and obsessed. It sounds like you plan on riding off into the sunset with your son and yeah, that’s not going to happen unless your plan is to emotionally cripple him and turn him into a single, 45 year old virgin loser living in your basement still tied to your apron strings.

    • Stella

      I agree with Wolfmother and the author. I do love my daughter more than I love my husband. And when she leaves home to go to college and starts her own family, I will be happy for her and happy to stay with my husband. I’m sure my husband feels the same way.

  • Renee

    If there was a fire, I’d choose one of the kids just for the fact that my husband weighs forty pounds more than me and I don’t think I could carry him. But, if it was a Sophie’s choice kind of thing, I really don’t know who’d I pick.

    There’s a difference between putting your kids first and putting them on a pedestal. You shouldn’t ignore your children in order to go off and party with your husband (when they need you). On the other hand, you shouldn’t give up occasional time and activities alone with him because your kids want to go, too. It’s a balance.

    • Wolfmother

      “But, if it was a Sophie’s choice kind of thing, I really don’t know who I’d pick.”

      …seriously?

    • Renee

      Well, I’d probably pick my kids to live since my husband would want them to live.

      But, really the scenario is silly. It’s like picking between two of your children. And just because you pick one over the other in a house fire, doesn’t mean you love one more than the other. It usually means you reached one first or you went to the one more dependent on you. For example, I’d probably pick up my two year old and encourage my older two to walk out with me. Doesn’t mean I love the two year old more. I’d probably help another person’s child over any able bodied adult, too. Or, if my husband was ever paralyzed and my kids were adults, I’d help him first in a fire.

  • Taz

    I am so happy to see so many comments that are in favor of Waldman’s sentiments. I think sometimes it does take effort to have the energy to be affectionate/loving to your husband after a day of breastfeeding/having children climb all over you. I make sure i reserve that energy because my husband does so much for me and he deserves my affection. Maybe a lot of times this dynamic starts with a husband that isn’t really that great and doesn’t take the role of a real man and father- let’s not always be so quick to blame the child-centric mother/wife…maybe her husband sucks so she latches onto her kids?

  • Laura

    I agree with Ayelet wholeheartedly. My husband was holding my hand during an emergency c-section and he will be holding my hand when we drop our daughter off at college. Without him I would not have her. Our role as parents is not to make our daughter the center of our universe but instead to provide the model for how people should treat each other, love each other, respect each other and disagree with each other. He and I have to put our marriage first because if there are cracks in our foundation it’s going to have a negative effect on our child.

    As for the burning house scenario……..I agree with one of the posters above. My husband is a strong and able-bodied man. If anything he would be the one throwing her over his shoulder while pushing me out the door in front of him.

    You can’t compare the love for one’s child to the love for a spouse. Both are so incredibly different and always evolving. Growing up I always knew that my mother loved myself and my brothers BUT I knew that the love she had for my father was different – it was greater, deeper, stronger….almost magical and spiritual in a way. It was the love that they have and show for each other that created the cohesive family unit that we still share today.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      but its funny when people say they love their husbands more..but then the husband is cheating on them with some tramp lol and then these mothers say “oh yea i love my children more now” You don’t have to pick or choose but a baby should be the center of your universe – god trusted you with precious life you created you didn’t create your husband…50% divorce rate and most of them are because of childish men! burning house I RUN IN AND SAVE MY LITTLE DAUGHTER and i run out with her! husband must save himself..sorry…but he is a grown man..she should be saving the child and then the wife..not the wife having to do everything…but the child should ways come first once they are grown its a different story!

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      /You don’t have to pick or choose but a baby should be the center of your universe – god trusted you with precious life you created you didn’t create your husband/

      Screwed up logic. You did not create your husband, but your husband was the one why you were able to create what you value the most in the world, had it not been for him you would not have that child. Children should be the moons, the spouse should be the sun. The same goes for him. I swear the lack of logic you women have truly amuses.

  • Marissa

    I do not love my kids more than my husband…. I don’t love either more than the other, but I fear that without my husband I wouldn’t be able to care for my children, I’d be so guilt ridden, I know that is just the weakest thing a mother can say, but he is the other half of my soul, without him I’d be a shell of who I am today, of that I am certain.

    • Marissa

      (guilt ridden over not choosing him over the children in the fire situation that was mentioned before)

  • Cori

    Interesting discussion. But I don’t think women have to choose. The writer mentions the need to differentiate the love between husbands and wives, and mothers and children. They are apples and oranges. The love is completely different and there’s no need to rank that love in order, or to choose who is more important.

    • Jess

      I totally agree, and I love how no one had to be insulted or belittled to make it!

    • Jess

      …your point, sorry! :)

    • Shaikh

      Even though I personally believe spouses should love each other most, but if that’s not possible then I believe the spouse who loves the kids more should also tell the other spouse to do the same. Since having the same priorities is more important than who loves who more or not.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      a life with your spouses changes..but not love of your child..my parents loved me more than each other..but they loved each other alot…it was because of that love i was created….remember people divorce all the time you can’t divorce your child…that is your blood and you should put your children first..i wouldn’t be upset if my husband loved my daughter more because i love her more..but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other we do and plan on being together a man that is jealous of that – stay away from them they are nothing but bad news and losers! Get help!

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      first you said that you love your husband and daughter equally but different now you say that you love her more, which one is it?

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      children should be put first when it comes to needs and especially in life saving situations

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      your children are your flesh and blood does not justify putting them before your spouse/the other parent of that child since its because of him/her why you have that child..why would you be upset if your husband loved you more than your daughter, its because of you why he has his daughter , how can you love the one that gave you the gift more than the one who gave you the most valuable gift in the whole world? where is the logic behind it?

  • quinn

    I love my daughter so much more than I love my husband, and he loves her so much more than he loves me. We have discussed it, and we are fine with it. And we have a stellar relationship with the understanding that we are each other’s number 2, and I know not everyone would agree with that sentiment, but that’s ok too! I’m happy!!

    • Shaikh

      i would argue that it is ideal for parents to love each other the most, however i dont have a problem with the mother loving her child more AS LONG AS THE FATHER feels the same way since generally men love their wives more despite how the wife feels the opposite WHICH CAN BE REALLY HURTFUL for the husband emotionally.

  • Eva

    No wonder so many husbands leave their wives and seek out the arms of a person who can truly love them.
    I would be absolutely heartbroken if I gave my life, heart and money to a person and they admitted something like this to me.
    All the more reason for men to choose hot, childfree chicks!

    • ABC

      Exactly what I was thinking. Holy jeez what are you gonna do when your children are gone? And believe me, it’ll HAPPEN. And then what?

      I put my marriage and my husband FIRST. Without that strong foundation, our family wouldn’t exist. And my husband is going to be around a lot longer (God willing!) than my children.

      My children will grow up and form families of their own. They do not need or want to be the center of my life. They need me to raise them to be strong, self-reliant, and confident adults. Not momma’s boys.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      lol abc, your husband can cheat and leave you…and mean while you let your child die in a fire…for what a piece of d!ck?

    • quinn

      Ha! I was a hot, childfree chick when my husband met me. Now I’m a hot chick with a cute baby girl and a secure, wonderful husband!

    • Stella

      Oh wow, is THAT why so many husbands leave their wives? I never realized it was all the selfish child-loving wives’ faults!

      Your weird theory assumes that those husbands put their wives first, too, no matter what. Men choose “hot, childfree chicks” because they are afraid the person they gave their “life, heart and money (gross)” to loves their kid too much? BULL.

    • Reginald Van der Snoot III

      Quinn — learn what words mean before you use them. Childfree people don’t have kids, hence the name “childfree.” You were obviously never childfree.

    • quinn

      Snoot honey, I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about. When my husband met me I was a hot, single, childfree chick. After we got married I eventually became a mother. Does that make sense to you? Great.

      The way I look at it my husband and I have so much love to give that when we have given our daughter all the love we can give her, we still have enough left over for each other, and that is beautfull. I don’t criticize the women who say that they unconditionally put their husbands first, and their children 2nd, or the ones that say that they love them the same, each family is different. What I know is that our dynamic works for us, and I feel sorry for those bitter women, and men? that seem to have such a problem with it. I’m not worried about you, why are you so worried about me?

    • Laura

      Quinn – Snoot is right. Childfree is a lifestyle choice made my men and women to not ever procreate.

      http://www.happilychildfree.com/

      If you had the desire to have children even before meeting your husband you were not “childfree” but instead “childless.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      ^ exactly the more reason to LOVE AND SAVE YOUR CHILD FIRST BEFORE A MAN…MEN CAN BE REPLACED! CHILD CAN’T BE!

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      no human being is replaceable! however the child’s life is more important

    • Liv

      Um are you even married or have children? I love my children deeply. But they are not the center of my universe. My husband is. He is my soulmate and I love him with all my heart. He could never ever be replaced. If it was my family in the fire situation, I would look for my husband first AND then we would find our two little girls TOGETHER. Just because I love my husband more then my children does not make me a bad mother! My children are 10 and 4. And they love seeing my husband of 16 years and me totally in love with each other and put each other first in any situation. I love my children and want them to grow up,and become independent so they can succeed in life and have a family of their own. They should not be the center of your universe because they will not become successful adults and will go no where in life because they never became independent. I love my husband more than my children because he is my partner, my lover, my soulmate and my everything. I am a good mom because I will love and raise my children to be strong independent adults. And I am a good wife because I will love my husband with everything in me until the day my heart stops beating!!!

  • Katie

    This “kids > my husband” thing is why most kids are such brats nowadays… Your spouse is meant to be more important than your children. You ladies are going to the be the mothers-in-law from hell. What exactly would you do if you lived back when you could routinely expect many of your children not to live to adulthood?

    • quinn

      Oh my gosh, what if you lived in the days where there was no indoor plumbing?? What would you do if you lived in the time where women couldn’t vote??? What if all these things are actually non-issues just like your last comment?!?!?!?!??

    • Reginald Van der Snoot III

      You mad?

      Sheesh, feel free to contribute something of substance next time.

      Sorry, that should be, “Feel free to contribute something of substance next time!?!?!!?!?!?!?”

      Anyway, there shouldn’t be a competition between spouse and kids…but if there has to be, you should probably go with the one who’s going to be living with you every day for the rest of your lives, not the one that leaves after a couple of decades.

    • quinn

      Mad? No, more like amused. Thank you for pointing out how ridiculous my comment was, much like how ridiculous it is to ask someone to think about what they would do if they lived in a century where the infant mortality rate was very high. It is sad to think about, but doesn’t apply to most people these days, specifically people who come to read and comment on this website. For Katie to point that out was exactly what I said it was, a non-issue.

    • Shaikh

      I wish more woman were like you!

  • Yesyou

    Kudos to Waldman, her marriage will last forever precisely because she puts her husband first ahead of her children .

    • Katie

      Meh… Enjoy your loneliness when your husband divorces you and your kids get lives of their own and don’t want anything to do with your obsessive self.

    • Katie

      …Except, silly me, that was meant for the post above yours and there doesn’t appear to be a delete option. My bad.

    • Wolfmother

      Katie: Enjoy your kids hating you when they grow up and realize that you put a dick before them and their well being.

    • Katie

      My husband’s not “a dick.” He’s the man I’ve shared my life with since I was 16. Nice to know what you think of your kids’ father though. I’m sure that’s very healthy.

  • Wolfmother

    I’m really disturbed by some of the comments here.

    • Laura

      Don’t worry. The feeling is probably mutual.

  • Sheila

    I agree with the author. There’s a special, visceral kind of love you have for your kids that you don’t have for your husband. I wouldn’t say I love my kids “more” … but my toddler can spend the day kicking and screaming at me, and then I still feel overwhelmed with love for him when I rock him to sleep at night. It’s instinctive, and it keeps me from throwing him out the window.

    With my husband, I have more expectations. I don’t put up with as much from him (and I certainly shouldn’t have to, since he isn’t two). When we fight, I stew over it for a bit. I don’t automatically pick up every inch of slack in our relationship and forgive everything instantly without an apology. But at the same time, if I am looking for a relaxing evening, I’d much rather snuggle on the couch with my husband talking politics than deal with a toddler who wouldn’t go to bed. It’s just a totally different kind of love — and, admittedly, a more rational and less overwhelming kind.

    As a person who grew up with a mom who frequently told me that she loved me a lot “but not as much as I love Daddy” … don’t do this to your kids, people. Just tell them you love them a lot. No need to compare.

    I actually did make the “Sophie’s Choice” decision recently. I was awake when the house started to shake. I figured it was a minor quake but instantly thought, “What if it’s a big one and the house starts to collapse? Do I try to wake my husband or rush to the baby’s room?” Answer: husband gets a firm smack and I hope that’s good enough, but I’m running to help the one who actually depends on me to stay alive. I told my husband about that in the morning, and he thought it was quite reasonable.

  • wat

    Holy goodness. Look, you love your husband, AND you love your kids. They’re not in competition; it doesn’t matter which one you “love more.”

    This is like saying “I love my mother more than my father! I would SACRIFICE him to save her!!” Maybe it’s a real feeling, but it’s creepy and strange to express it. I really don’t think it’s healthy to focus so much on categorizing the people you love, no matter WHO comes out on the top of the list.

    • Raero

      Hear, hear!

  • Jane

    My husband and I committed to putting our marriage first, even when kids came along. We’re each other’s #1 for the long haul.

    We figure our beloved baby will benefit from having parents as role models that make time for themselves and each other and continue to work on their relationship. He will have happier parents, who are people as well as Mom and Dad. He will also not feel the stress of being solely responsible for my happiness.

    I live away from my parents, whom I’m close to. They never let their marriage slide and are now happily enjoying retirement with each other. I enjoyed seeing my parents going out on dates and dancing in the kitchen.

    I’d hate to think my mom dropped everything for me and pushed my dad aside, especially now that I’m away and have my own family.

    Moreover, they modeled a healthy marriage for me, and that made me a happy kid and a well-adjusted adult, if I do say so myself.

    • Katie

      I was just going to post the same thing. My husband and I are the EXACT same way. And my parents were the same way. I never felt less loved because my parents put each other first. I hope one day my kids can say the same thing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      that was not what the article was about the question is – if a fire happened would you save your grown husband first! and let your baby girl die..cause you would put your husband first right? I love my kid and husband equally, but its different love…but in a life or death situation i will always put my little girl first..she is the dna of both of us..so she lives though him and me…if you don’t understand that then…something is wrong with you because men and women can come and go, marriage is a piece of paper..your daughter can’t be replaced husbands can be and i would want my husband to save my child before me! if not i would leave him!

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      i agree that the the child should be saved above every one else, i also say that i believe the lives of children should be saved above the lives of adults, what i also say is your husband/wife is at the same time NOT replaceable since you cannot replace the mother/father of your child..the relationships you have with people is unique and cannot be replaced by any other human being..for example my childhood best friend has a relationship with me that no other human being can ever have making him irreplaceable,i can further continue but i hope i have made my point clear

  • Pingback: How About We Not Divorce Shame Our Fellow Mothers And Friends

  • Divorces Happen

    Your kids will ALWAYS be your kids, even when they have grown up and left home. With the rate of divorce and separation as it is now, no-one can say with any certainty that their marriage will last forever.
    Good on you Alexandra!

  • Mrs.Lynn

    I think it’s a different kind of love for each, so I’m not sure how you can say you love one more than the other.

  • RG Serna

    This is a very old issue dressed up as something new.

    As I scrolled through every comment, it struck me how divisive this group became. I am always fascinated (and perturbed) by how the media and social constructions can divide us as women. We struggle with many of the same, very difficult roles and responsibilities, yet we attack each other readily instead of supporting each other through a maze of expectations and judgments that society places upon us and that we place upon ourselves. Society is very hard on the mother. Everything is our “fault”. And we buy into this illusion.

    The whole debate became an either/or issue, as if readers bought into the article’s premise that we “have” to choose between husband and children. The choices here were judged as either codependent or obsessive or selfish or smothering. It is misleading to assume that a woman has to declare to others or herself WHO is loved more. The love for both is deep and innately distinct.

    Sometimes, a woman has to place her husband and marriage first. Sometimes, the child’s needs have to come first. Most of the time, though, it is a precarious balancing act that we navigate as best we can . . . . forgetting to include our own needs in the equation! I support all wives and mothers, and those to be, who strive every day to have their entire family’s best interests at heart. It’s not easy, but genuine love usually shows us the way.

    • quinn

      I think this is wonderfully put.

    • Jessica

      I couldn’t agree with this more. Wonderfully written.

  • Vivi

    Women obviously love their children *differently* than they do their husband.

    However…
    when I was a child, my mother always told me and my sister that she loved my father more, and would save him first if we were all drowning because “a woman can have more children, but can never replace a husband.”
    Yes, she actually said this to her children, when we were 4 and 5 years old. and many times after.

    When I had my own, I DID NOT feel this way, and told my husband. He looked at me wide-eyed and said “Your mother is NUTS! You can NEVER replace a child! Besides, I’d want you to save the kids first, they’re MY kids, too!”

    My husband and I love our children differently than we do each other, and as long as they need us more, we love them more.

    Ladies, whatever your feelings are, PLEASE don’t tell your children you love someone else more. Because your children need you more than anyone, and your husband is a grown-up.

    • Shaikh

      my mother told me she loved my father more than me and my siblings, i dont have a problem with that in fact it because of women like her that exist why i EVEN CONSIDER giving marriage a chance, also loving your spouse MORE doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t save your kids over your spouse since the fact that they havent lived long enough should be enough reason to save them irrespective of who love more or not MAKE SENSE?

      Not criticizing you or anything, but as long as YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND both love your children more than each other that’s totally fine, though not what I consider the best structure. Personally, the fact that my parents love each other the most gives me a sense of strong unity on their part and it gives me the ability of seeing my parents as a consolidated unit.

      But again there is nothing with loving your child more as long as the spouse feels the same way or otherwise its unfair and emotional painful for the spouse to see the other spouse put the kids before him or her while he or she puts the spouse on a higher value level than what the other spouse puts him or her on. Okay I think I am done ranting.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      OMG that is horrible that would scar a child for life and i know many men here are pretending to be women saying they love and would tell their child that they would save their grown husband before their own young chidren which is sick..you can always have more children…but you can have more partners …i wonder what you would say to your mother today..thats horrible so sorry…yea i will put my daughters life ahead of anyone…

  • giselle

    I didn’t realize the author was saying that controversial a thing. I believe the answers to these general questions (as people have said not whether you “love” – because it’s a different type of emotion for each – but make the “center” of your world a spouse or child) differs greatly based on time periods and culture. In my community, the child rarely leaves a parents life (or even city) because they get married – I come from a large matriarchal close knit type family. Couple this with the fact that men tend to die, in this community, 15 to 20 years sooner than a woman, which almost always leaves an elderly mother in the care of a child, particularly daughter, it’s no wonder to see why women in this instance would prioritize a child over spouse. Add that to the fact that historically (and currently in most of the world) marriage had no pretense of love at all but was all about procreation and economy, as already stated on this thread, and it’s easy to see how parenting children has traditionally evolved as the most important reason to have a family, not loving a spouse. I believe this trend started to reverse itself in certain countries like the US in the last century when there was a concerted effort to make marriage about love and possibly because of high infant mortality rates and need for a working spouse, but now with the rise in divorce and many children being born to people who aren’t married and women being even more employed than men – well, basically I think comments like I love my child more will soon be uncontroversial again. And really – this is sort of the rule for most of if not all of the animal kingdom.

    • RG Serna

      I agree with you, Vivi, VERY much that mothers should not explicitly tell their children that they love someone else more. This is damaging to their self-esteem and forever sets up a doubt regarding their intrinsic self-worth because a mother’s love and prioritization of her offspring, as a general rule, is a given, biological, foregone conclusion.

      And Giselle above writes some very valuable things. Any conversation about this is enhanced greatly by an anthropological and sociological background perspective. Culture, economy, and self-preservation (as in other societies and historical traditions, as well as the animal kingdom) are some of the most powerful influences on maternal loyalty vs. spousal loyalty. In fact, today in our modern, industrialized, developed nation, these variables may still play into why some women place their children before their husbands and vice versa.

  • Jessica

    If it came down to a life or death situation and I had to choose my children, or my husband, I would save my children but it would not be a speedy thing. There would be that Hollywood lingering look before I whisk the kids to safety. That does not mean I love my children more. I love them differently. My husband is a wonderful man, my best friend and I love him with all of my being, always have, the love for my children is simply a different love, also all encompassing, but beyond me, innate, like you said. I would save my children first, my husband second, and he would do the same with me. We have lived our lives. We have already gone through the motions, gone to school, gotten jobs, gotten married, had children. We would gladly give our lives for our children so they could experience the same. Again, not because I love my husband less, but because I love him differently, and because we are good parents, who would die for our kids. It even came down to a conversation after a car accident while I was pregnant. I said if anything happened and he was the only one around to help, and I was dying that he had to cut our child from my womb. And he agreed. Not because he loved me less than our daughter. I hope this is making sense. I do not love one more than the other. Just as I don’t have a favorite child. It’s a different love and love just can’t be classified.

  • meteor_echo

    I read this article.
    Then I read these comments.
    … I’m glad to be childfree: I won’t ever have to share your attention between my man and my kids (and frankly, even if I had kids, I’d put their father first at any given time).
    Besides, I remember being a kid myself and desperately wishing that my mother loved my father. Kids are happier when they see that their parents love each other, not when they realize that they’re the “glue” in their parents’ relationship.

  • john

    I am 16 year old boy , and I know that my mother and father love each other the most and I am so glad to have such a great father and mother.
    i would have hated my mother if she had love me more then my father .
    Those mother who love their son more then their spouse are selfish in my eyes.
    Spouse should always come first no matter what.
    even in burning fire situation,i would expect my mother to save my father because they are soul mate and should love each the most.
    I don’t know how someone can put their child way above their husband,its kind of weird to be true.
    you can love your child more and tou can proudly say you are good mother but you can never say that you are a good wife.
    You are not only the mother but only someone’s wife too
    so this is my view.
    And I would expect my future wife to like that.

    • Shaikh

      You and me too man. However I ONLY disagree with your statement of saving the husband and not the child, the child hasn’t seen life yet and so his or her life is more precious THIS BY FAR doesn’t mean that a woman should love her husband less.

      I also have parents who love each other the most.

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      Yes, its a different love a husband/wife love and a child love – i would save my little child’s life first – I mean come on this child carries your DNA..as a mother or a father your the child’s first love…you love your partner in a romatic way, but you love your child in a protective way – if it never was then none of us would be alive…both the father and mother must put their children first…burning fire you save the child!

    • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

      lol you are fully of crap! you are a grown man of 36 not 16 – i can tell! First of all you bore children..does it make sense to the world to let a 4 year old girl die in a fire so you can save her father? does that make sense? what is wrong with you…i would want my husband to also save my child before me…and its the way its suposed to be – WHY HAVE KIDS THEN? THESE CHILDREN CARRY YOUR DNA…SO YOUR HUSBAND LIVES ON WHEN YOU SAVE YOUR CHILD…OR YOUR WIFE LIVES ON WHEN YOU SAVE YOUR CHILDREN FIRST…CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE..THEY ARE THE REASON WE GO ON..THATS WHY I KNOW YOUR NOT 16..YOUR A GROWN MAN PRETENDING TO BE a kid..you love your child a different way than your spouse! It this was never the case NONE OF USE WOULD EXIST OUR MOTHERS AND FATHERS WOULD LET US DIE FOR SELFISHNESS OF THEMSELVES..WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS YOU PUT THEM FIRST..BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO ONE..ONLY YOU YOU ARE STRONGER YOU ARE OLDER YOUR ARE THEIR PROVIDER..I CAN HELP MYSELF, MY HUSBAND CAN HELP HIMSELF BUT MY 6 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL CAN’T SHE’S THE BABY…she’s the one that’s going to carry our DNA into other generations…

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      the immaturity of the statement might prove he is a teenager and not a grown man, don’t you think?

  • Just Peachy1964

    I believe Vivi and RG Sema’s comments are most appropriate. It is unbelieveable that these articles have to be written. There should be no discussion of “choosing” anyone member of a family over another. Yes, husband and wife are “One Flesh” and that bond should be the basis of the family. Their romantic love is vastly different from the love a mother feels for her child and should never be compared, much less should any comparison ever be discussed with the child. The children should revolve around the bond between the husband and the wife. They need to know that come what may, their parents will stick together and the parents will always be their for their children. That gives the children the security to live and grow without the burden of wondering if mama and daddy will divorce and also if they give up on each other will they give up on me?

    As far as saving the members of the household, save the members who are the weakest first, hopefully, daddy is a big boy and can save himself or at least hang on until the ones most in danger can be saved. Either way, my husband (who has had the opportunity to live his life to the full) and I would want our daughter to be the first one rescued so she could grow up and be able to live out her life to the full.

    Hopefully, some of the writers who get these kinds of debates started will focus their attentions on constructive discussions like how to protect victims of domestic abuse, child sexual abuse or human trafficking.

  • Saken

    I really had to laugh at the people who said :” I love my husband more than my children”.

    I completely agree with Wolfmother, some of the comments here are really disturbing and were obviously made by TROLLS who dont have children and never experienced parenthood (quinn , Jess , Katie , Laura are the trolls I am talking about ).

    It`s funny how all of them (maybe its just one person disguising him/herself as more persons) always come up with the same argument : When your kids are grown up they will leave you…ehhhmmmm…sure , they will move out but its not like you will never see them again, fools. They will always be your children and you will always be their mother/ father…fact. By the way , that depends on the culture. In eastern countries its common for at least 1 child to stay with the parents. Even when he gets married he stays there with his wife and will even raise his children there.

    And only complete fools believe in marriage. Look at the divorce rate and cry about it you fools. Partners are replaceable , children are not.

    You love your child unconditionaly. If your child lies to you , you still love it. If your partner does , its a complete diffrent story and way more serious.

    • Laura

      Whoa there turbo! Talk about trolling! I’m not sure how my comment of…

      “My husband was holding my hand during an emergency c-section and he will be holding my hand when we drop our daughter off at college.”

      …translates to me not having a child.

      The way I see it, I love my child unconditionally but I choose to unconditionally love my husband. Not more, not less but different – which is what I wrote in my original post. I believe in order to have a content family life the parents must put their relationship and marriage first. That doesn’t mean that we neglect our daughter but my husband and I make sure that our commitment to each other is strong so that we can be the best parents (both together and individually) to our daughter.

      I’m sorry that you had a bad experience with marriage in your life but not everyone shares your world view. I had wonderful parents growing up who not only loved and cared for me but each other as well (and 42 years later still do!) and there’s no doubt in my mind that my husband and I will do the same for my daughter.

    • quinn

      I agree with Laura’s sentiment, even though I feel a little differently about this subject. Just because we have a differing opinion doesn’t make us “childless trolls”. When did this website turn into such a snarky, one-upping, vitriolic

    • quinn

      When did this website turn into such a snarky, one-upping, vitriolic vat of self righteousness?? Just because I don’t share the majority opinion doesn’t make me a “childless troll”. I really question that logic. Why can’t we share our experiences of motherhood and family without being chastised for it? And Saken, I’m sorry that you are so jaded about marriage in general, but that doesn’t make you wrong. You are entitled to your opinion, just like everyone else. I really hope you can find other outlets to express your rage other than websites like this where parents are just looking for some information and comraderie.

    • quinn

      Ugh, my computer acted up, I didn’t mean to post twice.

  • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

    all i can say is this..husbands/wives boyfriends girlfriends can come and go in your life..but your children are your DNA and your partners…they are the ones carrying your genes into future generations…your kids come first – i will put my child first even over my own life and anyone elses…a husband can be replaced…but my daughter can’t be! Many people have 2 or 3 marriages…i can only have a certain number of children..and reality is they are always my children…my daughter is my daughter she can’t be removed by a piece of paper, but you men can! What kind of sick father doesn’t get that…what kind of sick man does get that…?

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      Well I agree with you women that children are your DNA. And trust me you women are not the only ones to believe that a parent’s love for a child is unconditional. Regardless what I may do, my dad will always uncoditionally love me forever, since I am his son. As for my mom, he does love her more, but its conditional.

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      yes you can get another spouse, but the spouse that is the other parent of your child will always have a unique relationship with you that no other spouse can ever have, thereby the spouse who is the other parent of your child is not replaceable

    • mark

      are you sure that you even love your husband

      According to my mother my father is irreplaceable and the most important person in her life (more than us and everyone) and let me remind you ,i am 27 and married with kids and my parents live alone .That pretty much sums it all .Children leave but if you love you and make you r spouse a priority they will never leave and stick with you forever.

      The love my mom and dad feel for each other is unlike any love i have ever seen .Its magical .Their chemistry is amazing and as a child you want your parents to love each other forever.

      No child wants to be the center of the universe of their parents .No child .

      If you care for your child than make your marriage your topmost priority and everything will fall into place

      Do you know every major religion teach us the same thing

      1 GOD

      2 SPOUSE

      3 CHILDREN

      As for me i love my wife and children differently but equally.I can die for them in a heartbeat and she feels the same about me and our kids.We don’t rank our love but we still make our marriage our topmost priority because its face it without stable marriage your family will fall apart.

      http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html

      Just go through this link.I wonder why a mother would write an article like that .Maybe because it works

      My wife is very precious to me .She is my jewel ,just like my kids and she is not replaceable

  • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

    I really like this message from one poster…but its the truth..you people saying you love your spouse more..will you love them more than your child when they cheat on you? or after you are in the verge of divorce? or when they lie to you…? Partners are replaceable but your babies aren’t they are you children you bore from your body for life!

    “Saken • 8 months ago

    I really had to laugh at the people who said :” I love my husband more than my children”.

    I completely agree with Wolfmother, some of the comments here are really disturbing and were obviously made by TROLLS who dont have children and never experienced parenthood (quinn , Jess , Katie , Laura are the trolls I am talking about ).

    It`s funny how all of them (maybe its just one person disguising him/herself as more persons) always come up with the same argument : When your kids are grown up they will leave you…ehhhmmmm…sure , they will move out but its not like you will never see them again, fools. They will always be your children and you will always be their mother/ father…fact. By the way , that depends on the culture. In eastern countries its common for at least 1 child to stay with the parents. Even when he gets married he stays there with his wife and will even raise his children there.

    And only complete fools believe in marriage. Look at the divorce rate and cry about it you fools. Partners are replaceable , children are not.

    You love your child unconditionaly. If your child lies to you , you still love it. If your partner does , its a complete diffrent story and way more serious.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/dudeforever1 Shaikh Abdul Hameed

      I would go even further than you and say that not only do I not believe in marriage, but also do not believe in the rubbish thing called romance.

  • http://www.facebook.com/binny.cat.564 Binny Cat

    One last thing: A woman’s love for a husband CAN BE BROKEN BY HIM! if he cheats, lies, fights or just bordem…A womans love for HER CHILD CAN NEVER BE BROKEN! Not even if she/he lies or does something wrong…

    Men are replaceable – children aren’t! you can have husband number 1, 2, 3, 4 etc..but you can’t divorce your kids…just saying…no matter what Husband love is conditional so is living your wife..but loving your children is unconditional…

  • mercy343

    I can’t thank you enough for all that you have done for me. About a year ago I my partner split up, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found your email on a site about what you have done. I requested 1 to 2 day casting of the reunite us love spell and within 3days mark company had relocated him back to our hometown where I still lived. We immediately reconnected and move in with each other. Our wedding date is set for November 2012. Expect to see your invite in the mail thanks to upesaspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=765226467 Olivia Marie Wall

    I am often confused by this… as someone who is married to man with children, I have none and never wanted any… Not that I hate children or dislike them, I like them a lot… have been a Little League coach, and babysat for many years as well as have spent time with friend’s children… I have just never wanted to push something out of my body when there are plenty of children who need love and homes already (I am talking adoption) that is always been something that interested me more if I was going to be a “mother.” But as a step mother, to children who have no a bio-mother who was married to my husband, and the bio-mom has no interest in her children nor does she see them or take care of them… except sometimes takes them to an a movie when she decides she wants to see them… which is less than two days a month… her choice… I would love if she would move back to where the children have always gone to school and take an active role, she is ruining her life and their lives… But when my husband looks at me and looks at his children, it is a completely different look of love… When he looks at me it’s a look filled with passion and romance, there’s a deep love that… and while he looks at his children and the look is filled with love, a deep love that I have chosen (and after reading so many hateful things people say about others am glad I am making) not to experience, but I also see that he is trying to prepare them for a life of their own… My father, who loves my mother but she doesn’t love him at all, always said “Olivia I love you all, but the greatest compliment to my parenting will be you going off and living as if I no longer an alive..” I think that speaks volumes, my mother feels the same… I wish my parents loved each other more, my mother often says she just married my father because he didn’t have children and neither did she and she wanted some… I feel sad for her, they both deserve happiness with someone who is their soulmate but they do not have it… I have it, I wish my parents looked at each other the way my husband looks at me… saying that, my parents raised three children and we all live as if we do not need them. We live quite a distance from our hometowns (me the only in another state) and the other two a few hours. We take care of ourselves and the people we have chosen to love… I love my parents and they love me… but I love my husband passionately. When I met him I finally knew what all those love songs were about and all that poetry I had read… To love your spouse is selfless love, it is willingly putting them in a place in your life saying… “I love you and I want a life with you and no one else…” A child is a decision, no matter what anyone says (except rape of course) but if you love the person you have a child with or do not, it is a choice.. a selfish choice, the act of creating a child is selfish (sex feels good, that is why we have it) and if you choose to have sex and not protect yourself and have a child… it’s not a selfless act you are doing… you made that decision to bring someone in to the world… so take the responsibility for the outcome of your decision. I love my step children, and I want them to find someone they love one day, that they want to be themselves completely with because we all know our parents only see parts of us we want and our spouse should know us better than anyone. I hope my step children finish college, are successful in whatever they do and especially in life… and I hope they know what it means to love selflessly because love isn’t selfish… it isn’t a competition and I have never felt a completition with my spouses’ children or with my parents… When you love it means that you expect nothing from whoever it is your love, children, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, relatives, and that you can say “I love you,” and when they do not say it back it is ok because you know and they know that you love them and care for them no matter what… that is what LOVE is about, not some sick twisted competition… and if a parent can measure the love they feel for their child to that of their spouse… if a parent is IN LOVE with their child, then that is a serious issues that parent has with themselves… A child needs love to show them they can be great at life, no matter what it throws at them.. they do not need their parent to be In Love with them… and as for choosing who you would sacrifice, it should always be yourself first, for the people you love. That question should never even be brought up in any discussion of parents of who loves who more… that isn’t love, love knows no bounds and no scorn, it is not selfish and it is not demanding and it has no expectations.

  • Anderson

    We were so financially strapped when I found Priest Agbara Otor I couldn’t
    even afford a money spell.
    You were my last hope to help us get out of debt and finally have the
    financial freedom we kept striving
    for. You sensed my desperation and allowed me to make payments on my money
    spells. I cannot say
    enough good things about you and your circle. priestagbaraotor@gmail.com did
    so much to help me and
    my family. We no longer worry if we can make the mortgage this month and in
    fact recently purchased a
    larger house and no longer have to worry about answering the phone for fear
    of creditors. Anderson

  • Amandeda Stephane

    I am Miss Elizabeth rosas.,From united states of America.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also can’t do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS DR SAMBOLA TEMPLE.My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : sambolatemple@gmail.com ,This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks DR SAMBOLA VIAL email sambolatemple@gmail.com