My daughter knew all about how babies are really made by the time she was six years old (penis + vagina + sperm = baby). I had told her exactly how it works. Still, when my daughter came downstairs into the kitchen last week all excited that she found my “massage stick” and was rubbing it against her stomach, I almost died of embarrassment (and I was alone!). That’s because my “massage stick” is really a vibrator. And when your 8-year-old is waving your vibrator around as if it were a gold medal she had just won in the Olympics, one really does not know what to do or say.

I was completely comfortable explaining the ‘birds and the bees’ to my daughter. But when it came to my vibrator, or explaining what a vibrator is, let alone what its purpose is, I had no idea what to say. For the first time with my daughter, I was speechless. So what’s a mother to do when her child finds her vibrator?

In my case, I managed to stutter out a, “Yes, that’s a massage stick. That’s exactly what it is. Feel free to use it.” She thanked me and then skipped back upstairs to watch TV with the massage stick/my vibrator. First and obviously, I don’t care that people know that I have a vibrator. Big deal. (If you don’t have one, you should definitely get one!) Also, I’m neurotically clean about those sorts of “play things.” So I wasn’t concerned about it being dirty. But I so was NOT going to go there. And by there, I mean talking or even using the word “vibrator.”

She doesn’t know what “organic” means. How would I ever explain what an “orgasm” is? I know I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, and scream, “OH MY GOD. PUT THAT THING DOWN NOW! THAT’S MOMMY’S TOY AND YOU CAN’T TOUCH IT!” as if she were holding a loaded gun.

When she was a toddler, I learned early on that the less you make a big deal about something, like them falling down, the less likely they are to cry. The less I said ‘no’ to her eating chocolate, the less she asked for it to the point she doesn’t even like it any more. So, with this theory in place, I simply said, “You can use it.” (She loves getting massages.) No questions were asked. And I didn’t make up a lie about it, like the time she caught me having sex (“I was doing yoga”). She really does think it’s a massage stick. She knew how to turn it on and off.

This also was one of those experiences where I thought, ‘This could only happen to me.’ But, fess up, if it happened to me, it has to, dear god, have happened to other mothers, too. Also, for the record, I didn’t keep the vibrator out on my dresser or anywhere in plain sight, like in the middle of my dining room table as a centerpiece. It was inside my end table by my bed (the goodie drawer). And because my daughter and I don’t have secrets in our house (at least not yet), she’s allowed to go into my end table and drawers. (I’ve never told her she couldn’t, because then, like reverse psychology, she would definitely want to look in there.)

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So that’s how she found my vibrator/massage stick. Now what? Do I have to hide my vibrator up in the high up medicine cabinet, which she can’t reach? Or do I have to hide my vibrator under the kitchen sink with the detergent and dishwasher soap, which is baby proofed (so much so that I can’t often open it!? Or do I have to just get rid of it? (Truth is, I barely use it.) And, yes, as we all know by now, I have a vibrator (which was a gift) but I’m not overly kinky in bed. I’m not the type to shop at sex stores or anything.

But, then again, I’m not opposed to sex toys, either. I am opposed, however, to being faced with a “massage stick” shown to me by my daughter. Or, rather, I didn’t like it.

What’s the most embarrassing thing your child has found of yours? If you can top the “massage stick,” then your next one is on me.

(Photo: ohmibod.co.za)