• Wed, Jan 11 2012

Oops! My Daughter Found My Vibrator

My daughter knew all about how babies are really made by the time she was six years old (penis + vagina + sperm = baby). I had told her exactly how it works. Still, when my daughter came downstairs into the kitchen last week all excited that she found my “massage stick” and was rubbing it against her stomach, I almost died of embarrassment (and I was alone!). That’s because my “massage stick” is really a vibrator. And when your 8-year-old is waving your vibrator around as if it were a gold medal she had just won in the Olympics, one really does not know what to do or say.

I was completely comfortable explaining the ‘birds and the bees’ to my daughter. But when it came to my vibrator, or explaining what a vibrator is, let alone what its purpose is, I had no idea what to say. For the first time with my daughter, I was speechless. So what’s a mother to do when her child finds her vibrator?

In my case, I managed to stutter out a, “Yes, that’s a massage stick. That’s exactly what it is. Feel free to use it.” She thanked me and then skipped back upstairs to watch TV with the massage stick/my vibrator. First and obviously, I don’t care that people know that I have a vibrator. Big deal. (If you don’t have one, you should definitely get one!) Also, I’m neurotically clean about those sorts of “play things.” So I wasn’t concerned about it being dirty. But I so was NOT going to go there. And by there, I mean talking or even using the word “vibrator.”

She doesn’t know what “organic” means. How would I ever explain what an “orgasm” is? I know I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, and scream, “OH MY GOD. PUT THAT THING DOWN NOW! THAT’S MOMMY’S TOY AND YOU CAN’T TOUCH IT!” as if she were holding a loaded gun.

When she was a toddler, I learned early on that the less you make a big deal about something, like them falling down, the less likely they are to cry. The less I said ‘no’ to her eating chocolate, the less she asked for it to the point she doesn’t even like it any more. So, with this theory in place, I simply said, “You can use it.” (She loves getting massages.) No questions were asked. And I didn’t make up a lie about it, like the time she caught me having sex (“I was doing yoga”). She really does think it’s a massage stick. She knew how to turn it on and off.

This also was one of those experiences where I thought, ‘This could only happen to me.’ But, fess up, if it happened to me, it has to, dear god, have happened to other mothers, too. Also, for the record, I didn’t keep the vibrator out on my dresser or anywhere in plain sight, like in the middle of my dining room table as a centerpiece. It was inside my end table by my bed (the goodie drawer). And because my daughter and I don’t have secrets in our house (at least not yet), she’s allowed to go into my end table and drawers. (I’ve never told her she couldn’t, because then, like reverse psychology, she would definitely want to look in there.) [tagbox tag="sex"]

So that’s how she found my vibrator/massage stick. Now what? Do I have to hide my vibrator up in the high up medicine cabinet, which she can’t reach? Or do I have to hide my vibrator under the kitchen sink with the detergent and dishwasher soap, which is baby proofed (so much so that I can’t often open it!? Or do I have to just get rid of it? (Truth is, I barely use it.) And, yes, as we all know by now, I have a vibrator (which was a gift) but I’m not overly kinky in bed. I’m not the type to shop at sex stores or anything.

But, then again, I’m not opposed to sex toys, either. I am opposed, however, to being faced with a “massage stick” shown to me by my daughter. Or, rather, I didn’t like it.

What’s the most embarrassing thing your child has found of yours? If you can top the “massage stick,” then your next one is on me.

(Photo: ohmibod.co.za)

You can reach this post's author, Rebecca Eckler, on twitter.
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  • Amy

    First off, I love how I only have to read the title of an article and I immediately know who it’s author must be: Rebecca Eckler.

    Hahaha, I think you did the right thing here. Maybe hide it better from now on though, lest your daughter innocently whips it out in front of guests and asks them if they want a massage.

  • Fabel

    Lucky it wasn’t the kind that are shaped like a giant penis– that would’ve definitely been much worse!

    • Oddkin

      I have one of those. Fat, veiny, incredibly realistic, it’s a gorgeous piece when I look at it. If someone else were to look at it I’d probably die a little on the inside.

  • Kathryn

    In the same week, not only did my daughter find my vibrator, and was using it as a microphone while watching a movie in my room, but later that week she found my adult movies. Now, let me clarify…I don’t have a nightstand, so I keep everything put away in my closet. Apparently, my little sneak decided she was going to open the closed door and poke around. Like you, my toy was clean, though I did find her a suitable “microphone” instead. I just told her that was for mommy’s back and, to make sure it didn’t get lost, I was going to give her something else to play with. Just like I told her the movies were grownup movies (she was 4 and understand some movies kids just didn’t watch). The movies had clothed people on the cover, so there wasn’t any concern there. I just put the movies up high, where she couldn’t reach and went about my day.

  • J.

    While I applaud you for tackling the embarrassing issue of your child discovering a (definitely) more personal side to you, I am compelled to comment because I have an issue with a few things in this article.

    “Or do I have to just get rid of it? (Truth is, I barely use it.)”

    Why would you have to get rid of your vibrator because your child found it? It’s immaterial whether you use it once a month or once a day, because lack of use would not be the main reason why you would be throwing it away. This to me is one of the most frustrating things I hear and read about from other mothers. There are so many wonderful changes that occur when you become a mother, but there are also quite a few that are obviously difficult to handle (lack of sleep, less time for yourself, less time for significant other, etc.) Healthy sexual activity, however, is one of those things that I feel should remain untouched, especially if there are not emotional and/or hormonal issues at hand to make “getting in the mood” more difficult. Why deny yourself something that is GOOD for you just because it can make for awkward conversation?

    “And, yes, as we all know by now, I have a vibrator (which was a gift) but I’m not overly kinky in bed. I’m not the type to shop at sex stores or anything.”

    Again, while I think it’s great that you shared a rather personal story (that many others can no doubt relate to), the awesome and nonchalant way that you handled it with your daughter seems somewhat negated by the slut shame-y vibe I get from this sentence. Who cares if you bought the vibrator for yourself? Who cares if you’re a freak in bed? Who cares if you go to sex shops? You’re an adult, for crying out loud! You’re a mother, you’re not dead! If it’s not your thing then it’s not your thing, but I feel like none of the above has anything to do with the article at all. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems like you had a random fear of being judged by readers and threw that in there so we would be less apt to judge you for having a sex toy.

    The stigma attached to being a sexually active/healthy mother needs to die already.

    • Agree!

      I TOTALLY agree with this, J.

      Rebecca, this last ittle addition squeezed into the end of the article should’ve been mentioned earlier so it didn’t seem like a get-away. Especially with the ” I don’t care that people know that I have a vibrator. Big deal. (If you don’t have one, you should definitely get one!) ” at the beginning. It just doesn’t flow.

  • Lisa

    I agree that you did the right thing — making a big deal about it would just guarantee she kept looking. What I would do is get her a “massage stick” of her own — the kind of back massager they sell at the local drug store that looks like a rubber duck or something. That makes it even more innocent.

  • Emerson

    Throw it away! I have several “toys” but the thought using one after my child plays it, grosses me out. Seriously, I could never use it again without thinking about my daughter playing with it. And, why make such a big deal of whether you use it often and how you’re not the type to go into a sex store? That in itself seems like you are justifying your possession or passing judgement – its like saying, “I smoke pot, but I don’t inhale” or “Someone gave me this pot; I’d never buy it from a street dealer”. You have it; you used it; and they sell them in sex stores, so stop quantifying and qualifying your statements. I get being open with your kids, but until you are ready to have those discussions, put it where she can’t get to it.

  • aliceblue

    In your nightstand? Your closet? Whatever happened to privacy. When I was a kid, I din”t go into my parents’ bedroom unless one of them was in there or I had explicit permission. To be fair, at age 8, I would have been equally upset if my mother had looked in my desk drawers or my Barbie camper. Unless you suspect your kid of something dangerous/illegal,, how about teaching some mutual respect?

    • Riley

      Um, don’t judge, but I’m a daughter who found my mothers purple dildo today, and searched how to approach it. I called my mum and asked her if she had any extra fake nail glue, and she said to check the bottom drawer of her night stand. I guess she used it recently since it was laying out it the open in the drawer, and I was confused. Not shocked, she just got married to my step dad, but I got confused. So, not every child is going through their parent’s personal belongings and you shouldn’t say that children need to be taught mutual respect. That’s almost as if you are parenting her child, and I can tell you from experience with my younger siblings at the store that most mothers don’t take strangers parenting their kids kindly.

  • ooopppsss!

    All I am willing to say is Anal Beads and a my 4 yr. old’s birthday party…let’s just say I am still trying to crawl into a hole..

    • Missy

      oh please! Do tell! My mind is racing with all the possibilities!

  • Lola B

    IS THAT WHAT IT LOOK LIKE 4 REAL. ALL CANDY COATED COLORIFIC AND SHINY. NO WONDER SHE GRABBED IT AND STARTED PLAYING WITH IT. YOU SHOULD KEEP THOSE THINGS OUTTA REACH. LIKE ON A SHELF OR IN A DRAWER. THAT’S FUNNY THOUGH.

  • Therese

    Oh brother Rebecca, grow up. Sounds like you made the situation your own little social experiment. TMI. Keep it to yourself. You watch soaps?

    A mature mother would’ve let this go. 8 year olds don’t need an explanation for everything they find in the house. And your “toys”? Substitutions for the real deal with the love of your life don’t cut it. They’re cheap—like a cheap date or a sleazy movie and pizza.

    • Jen

      Wow. Slut-shaming alarm is working overtime with you. Toys are used by tons of couples in loving relationships to enhance their sexual pleasure. Mature adults understand that and try not to judge other people’s sex lives.

      Rebecca, I agree with most people on here that you definitely don’t need to get rid of your toys (though I might hesitate to use that particular vibrator again if only because I wouldn’t be able to get the image of my daughter out of my head). With the exception of the unnecessary disclaimers about how you aren’t really “kinky” I found this piece to be one of your most mature, relatable and funniest. For the record, since my daughter became mobile I keep all my fun stuff in a pretty hat box on a shelf in the closet. It also works wonders for keeping in-laws at bay!

    • Shawna Cohen

      Wait, I kind of love a sleazy movie and pizza!

    • Celia

      The love of my life GOT me my vibrator! If that makes him cheap and sleazy, then I’ll pass on the good life.

      And come on – no matter how mature one is, sex toys are still a little funny. Penis-type things will always get a giggle out of me at the right moment.

    • D

      Just a note to think about: why is slut-shaming bad? isn’t being a slut a bad thing? is that where we are today, a place where calling someone out for shameful behavior is something shameful in itself? this is what our everything goes, sex on tap for everyone culture has brought us to. in the mad rush to defend immorality so no one ever has to feel the slightest bit of accountability, we now castigate people for daring to take a moral stand. what if the a person wrote an article about how much they enjoyed shoplifting, and i posted something that called them on it. would i be taunted for thief-shaming? jesus, people, being a whore is not something to be proud of, no matter what the extreme feminism movement says. and as a side note, i in no way think the write of this article has been slutty just for having a vibrator or for any other thing in her piece. so yes, i believe therese went overboard. but i have seen a million articles where the author revels in whorish behavior and a poster calls her out on it, and then that poster is insulted for “slut-shaming,” as if that is on par with being a homophobe or a bigot. something to think about….

    • Rachel

      Oh dude, no. You’re completely missed the point of slut shaming. What is a slut? A WOMAN who sleeps with lots of men. Right? But when a man sleeps with lots of women? He’s a player. That’s not fair. Why should women be looked down upon, and JUDGED for how many people she’s slept with? It does nothing to decrease her worth as a human being. Plus, who are you (or anyone) to tell a woman how to live her life? Slut-shaming is just a form of social control to get women to comply with patriarchal expectations.

    • Mesocyclones

      Feminist Alert

    • Jen

      D: You seriously need to get a grip. YOU and others like you are exactly the reason rape culture exists. I mean that. YOU are literally the reason that rapes continue to happen with such stunning frequency in this culture. Your “morality” is sickening and quite frankly a threat to all females. Please attempt to think about the fact that you are literally creating a dangerous environment for women with your hate speech.

      Who the hell are you to determine who is and is not engaging in moral behavior? Who the hell are you to determine who is and is not a WHORE? THIS is exactly what’s wrong with slut-shaming. You have determined yourself to be arbiter of female sexuality and anyone who goes outside the limits of what you consider acceptable behavior is labeled as bad. This is the EXACT SAME THING the Taliban does. You may not be as *extreme* in what you consider wrong behavior, but you still think that after a woman crosses an imaginary line that only exists in your (and your ilks’) sick twisted little minds she deserves shame, derision and ostracism. That makes YOU a disgusting person.

    • jack sprat

      Jen, you’ve made too many tendentious statements for me to bother refuting all of them. Suffice it to say that methinks thou dost protest too much. W-A-Y too much, as if it’s life and death that you shout D down. Get a grip.

  • Sherry QuiteContrary

    A long time ago while I was still married but towards the end of my marriage, my then husband wanted to experiment. Experimenting for him meant a penis (I’ll be polite and not call it by it’s real name.) ring.

    Doing laundry a few days later, my 5 year old reaches into dryer and pulls out the aforementioned penis ring. Oh the horror! She asked me what it was. Why I think a piece of the dryer broke off inside it. Yes a lie but if you cannot explain orgasm, then no way am I explaining a penis ring.

    Seems my then hubby took it off and placed it in the pocket on his robe. He forgot about it.

    I never will.

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  • LadyCurd

    Just started a sexpositive parenting blog and would love this post to go on it http://sexpositiveparenting.wordpress.com/ let me know if we can post it.

    • Sarah

      I wouldn’t call this article sex positive. She pretty distinctly has an attitude about women who DO go into sex shops…

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  • Jade

    Opps! My son found my 15” bouncy dick under my bed! As well as my rocking horse dick toO.

  • Leslie

    well, my son found our vibrating cock ring….I don’t exactly have a vibrator, but a massager that can get the job done if I need it, but the cock ring was in some of my hubs drawers and my son was being nosy. We pretty much just told him it was dad’s and he needs to stay out of his dad’s stuff. I don’t believe we actually gave an explanation of what it was. He’s never brought it up again though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joules.bryce Joules Bryce

    Are you single? Because if you have a husband he should leave you. Your pathetic; I wonder how your husband feels you having toys to pleasure yourself when hes away. You disgusting wh#re

    • Orange

      Fuck You :)

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597537113 Laine Mikael

    “If you don’t have one, you should definitely get one!”
    And then…
    “(Truth is, I barely use it.)”

    I’m confused..

  • Oddkin

    I don’t know if you’re still reading these comments a year after, but if you are: your daughter is now 9 years old. Wether you get rid of a perfectly good vibrator or not (unless its a gross, toxic jelly number, in that case, PLEASE trash it and get one of a decent, safe material) your daughter might someday realize that *gasp* mommy has a sex life. Your daughter is a good example of how well children can handle the birds and bees talk, provided its given in age appropriate terms. Just keep it away somewhere in an inconspicuous place. Find a second hand, lockable makeup case (very affordable) with a number lock and shove it under your bed.

  • http://www.funlovegoodsex.com/ FunLove GoodSex

    To those offering adivce on how to raise a child, well, every method has it’s flaws…

    One thing I want to say, though, is that letting your child play with your toys might not mean anything to them now, but one day they will learn what they really are and will remember you used to let them play with yours. For good or bad.

  • Joe

    Throw it away and come fuck my big dick for fun

  • Barbara Ruge

    Ok let me be blunt here. My fiance’ is impotent he has no desire due to his pain meds I’m still alive and have desires and since cheating is not in my creed I purchased a massager (does not look authentic) to take care of needs once it gets too much to bear maybe once a month or so. During my marriage to my ex, I went 5 years with out when I got divorced I kinda wnt nuts and did things I’m not proud of and did not have one. My friend suggested I get one and I did. At first my fiance’ and I’s relationship was very active now it is maybe once every 6-8 months and that is with viagra I’m 50 not dead so I use the vibrator to relieve stress.

  • Ellie

    I found my moms dildo today. I see what you mean with the ‘reverse psychology’ because she told me not to look in there. So you know I wanted to see what she was hiding, and I was actually joking about my mom hiding a dildo in there so when I found it I was like omg. I can’t really talk to her because it’s so awkward( she doesn’t know I found it)

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  • Stephanie

    My 16 year old son, turned 16 yesterday, found my dildo and vibrator about 6 months ago. Of course he knew what they were and made the usual crude comments. Since then he has made it a habit of walking around the house nude or semi nude. I have a younger daughter also so I make him put clothes on. He has a rather large penis and I wonder if this is a male dominance thing. His father is out of his lfe, so he sees himself as the man of the house. Is this a sexual thing or what ?