Brace yourselves, people: This is a long, strange tale about a woman who allegedly stole her now ex-boyfriend’s sperm from a used condom and then used it to impregnate herself with twins through IVF. She then went ahead and sued her ex for child support – and won! The baffled ex, meanwhile, is suing the fertility clinic that performed the procedure without his knowledge. You follow?

Here’s how it happened, according to Houston Press. Joe Pressil began dating his girlfriend, Anetria, in 2005. They broke up in 2007 and, three months later, she told him she was pregnant with his child. Pressil was confused, since the couple had used birth control, but a paternity test proved that he was indeed the father. So Pressil let Anetria and the boys stay at his home and he agreed to pay child support.

Fast forward to February of this year, when 36-year-old Pressil found a receipt – from a Houston sperm bank called Omni-Med Laboratories – for “cryopreservation of a sperm sample” (Pressil was listed as the patient although he had never been there). He called Omni-Med, which passed him along to its affiliated clinic Advanced Fertility. The clinic told Pressil that his “wife” had come into the clinic with his semen and they performed IVF with it, which is how Anetria got pregnant.

The big question, of course, is how exactly did Anetria obtain Pressil’s sperm without him knowing about it? Simple. She apparently saved their used condoms. Gag. (Anetria denies these claims.)

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“I couldn’t believe it could be done. I was very, very devastated. I couldn’t believe that this fertility clinic could actually do this without my consent, or without my even being there,” Pressil said, adding that artificial insemination is against his religious beliefs. “That’s a violation of myself, to what I believe in, to my religion, and just to my manhood,” Pressil said.

Meanwhile, it’s not as if Pressil is the only victim here. In February, he was charged for allegedly assaulting Anetria. According to her affidavit, the alleged incident took place when she found a text from one of Pressil’s “lady friends,” along with “obscene, nude” picture from her and other women. She claims she tried to kick him out of the house but that he punched her, chocked her and then dragged her across the room.

Pressil, who has since moved to New York, is now suing Advanced Fertility for accepting a semen sample without his knowledge or consent and for performing IVF, which resulted in twins. He’s also suing Omni-Med for holding onto the remaining frozen semen without his permission. According to the suit, the situation has caused Pressil mental anguish and “economic harm due to substantial child support payment.”

Can you really blame the guy?

(Photo: iStockphoto)