STFU Parents: 5 Things Parents Should Not Discuss Online About Their Son’s Junk

One topic that manages to dominate my inbox despite my many wishes and prayers that it would just go away forever is “baby manhood.” I frequently receive submissions about baby boy “packages,” and each time I do I have to wonder, “Why is this subject being discussed on Facebook?!” I think we can all agree that it would be inappropriate for, say, a wife to joke about her husband’s “size” (in or out of cold water!) or a grown man to discuss his “self-serving habits” online, and I feel the same logic should be applied to discussing baby genitalia. But unfortunately, that’s simply not the case.

There are always things new happening “down there,” and because the subject is relatively controversial, yet distinctly funny, parents get a kick out of shocking their friends with updates about their son’s “little mister.” (I’m starting to run out of euphemisms here.) So this week, let’s take a look at some of these types of updates in order to determine what’s TMI (too much information), and what’s WTMI (wayyy too much information) when it comes to matters of the loins.

1. Ultrasounds

Whether it’s easy or hard not-so-easy to see a baby’s sex in an ultrasound, most nurses will provide a helpful guide with identifying markers so that parents know exactly what they’re looking at. But there’s a difference between posting that ultrasound as is and posting it alongside a comment about the baby’s “HUGE F’ING PECKER.” Parents, note the distinction.

2. Private Parts Terminology

>Weenie? PP? Turtle? TACO? I think I’m with April on this one. Also, I don’t need to know how your son refers to his penis unless I’m babysitting him.

3. Baby Balls

Please don’t tell me about your son’s balls. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to get to know them, and I certainly don’t want to hear a description of what they look like covered in poop. I could also do without the Lil Jon joke, despite Melanie’s good-natured humor, considering it’s referring to sweat dripping down a grown man’s balls as he watches “skanks get low.” C’mon, people. Don’t take it there.

4. Medical Info

There’s nothing embarrassing about medical procedures regardless of the type of surgery one is having, but I think it’s safe to say that Nate probably wouldn’t appreciate his mom spreading the word about his “messed up wee-wee” on the internet. Not to mention, if I’m not a doctor or relative, there’s really no reason I should know the size of your child’s pee hole.

5. Baby Boners

Parents, we get it. Your sons like to play with themselves. They get boners. It’s a common part of developmental discovery for boys, but I didn’t join Facebook in 2005 because I thought it might lead to…this. Perhaps you should reserve the “morning baby wood” stories for the playground, because it’s just about the last thing I want to read about when I sit down at my desk in the morning and start the day. Funny? Yes. Awkward? YOU BET.

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  • Lisa

    If only you took videos, a friend of a friend posted a video taken of their 2 year old upset and crying about having a “hard peepee” and the parents video’s it, laughed on video about it…and posted to to fb WTF?????

    • April

      THAT is seriously some messed up sh!t.

      My son used to say his was stuck. He never cried about it though. And I certainly never took a video of it and posted it on FB. (FB didn’t exist then and even if it did, I wouldn’t post it.)

      What are parents thinking?

    • JB

      ARG it replied to the wrong thing, my comment above is in reference to the parents posting a video to fb :-X.

  • Lisa

    I seriously doubt that’s why Tamara “has all girls”. Pretty sure she didn’t select the gender of her children based on the probability of boners.

    • JB

      That’s horrible!!!

      That’s something you giggle about privately as parents, later. Or maybe, MAYBE, tell them about it for embarrassment fodder later when they’re older. But, NOT something to put on fb.

  • April

    Is it bad that I LOL’d when I read Melanie’s Lil’ Jon joke? I thought it was funny.

    I also LOL’d about the baby boner submission because it reminded me of the first time my son got one. I freaked the F out! I didn’t know it was normal at all. No one told me that. I had to ask a coworker with 3 boys if it was normal and she fooled me at first by telling me it wasn’t and that I really should take him to the doctor. I started to get seriously concerned. Then she told me she was joking and that it’s normal.

    HOWEVER, I agree that this sort of stuff does not belong on Facebook. This is why there’s a crap ton of parenting/mommy message boards.

    • megan

      Agreed, mommy boards yes, Facebook twitter, no just no.

    • Olivia

      @April – I’m with you, I totally lol’d at the Lil Jon joke. I am terrible.

  • Katie

    I like Tamara’s comment ‘ “Exactly why I have all girls” Like she made it happen/had control over that.

  • Lauren

    Hilarious as always!

  • RubyRuby

    I thought that my time reading STFU, Parents had desensitized me to pretty much anything that the mombie’s could possibly through out there, but the concept of baby wood actually made me nauseous. No, not cutie commenty “I just threw up a little in my mouth lol ” nauseous, but the kind of nauseous that could result in actual puking. So wrong.

  • B

    “I didn’t join Facebook in 2005 because I thought it might lead to…this.” Agreed! (Although I joined in 2004.)

    Who would have guessed that the network that started just for college students with just a profile picture, a “Wall” that anyone could edit, and your class schedule would end up as a venue for Baby Morning Wood Group Therapy?

  • Esmeralda

    I promised my son before he was born I would never humiliate him on facebook, expecially about this kind of stuff.
    This is the kind of stuff that will surely come back to haunt these poor kids when they reach puberty and suddenly find their childhood is on display and they’re the butt of horribe and cruel torments.
    Kids are awful enough to eachother without having something like this to use as fuel.

  • Banker

    If only Shawna had run screaming from the room after throwing a towel over the “boner” that occurred 16 months ago, then she wouldn’t be in the predicament.

  • Janice

    These people need to grow up. All of them. Way to make a huge deal out of something that’s natural, specifically erections. The fact that they’re freaking out over their child having this natural event occur with his body screams “I’m going to give my child a complex about sex”. Haven’t they ever watched Psycho? Or read Red Dragon? Sheesh.

  • Dina

    Why do people insist on giving their children’s genitalia cutesy names? The hell is wrong with “penis” or “vulva”?

    • jennifer

      i agree. toooo funny!

  • Bissell

    Grr… Katie in #5 – “These things are NOT in the parenting books!” Um, yeah, yeah they are. If you’ve ever done any reading on the subject of child development, you’d know this was normal. Granted, reading about it, and witnessing it firsthand are two different things, but any literate parent should not be caught totally unawares.

    • megan

      I believe she is referring to the four year old asking, not the babies parts.

  • JB

    I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll start with, your crossed-out puns are hilarious, B, in a truly awkward way.

  • jennifer

    i have to say, i’m probably guilty of doing the same thing w/ my kids on facebook. i post too much about them, but now that i see this , i realize what i mistake. its not that i freak out, everyone i have on facebook are parents themselves so i like t get feed back and see if the same thing has happened to others. But now that i see this , it definetly opens my eyes that all 200 and something people on my friends list is seeing what im posting. No more facebook updates after reading this. lol

  • sigh

    You print stuff about your child online and it exists FOREVER.
    His or her friends will Google it and find it.
    And then use it unmercifully to taunt and tease.
    And your child will have you to thank for that.
    Think about it before you decide someone else’s life is just so much fodder to blather about in public.

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  • Kyt

    Honestly.. I think you’re overreacting. If you don’t like seeing your friends post or talk about their kids (or their kids ‘stuff’), then remove them or set it up so you don’t see their posts in your news-feed anymore. Simple as that.
    And as for the whole “Oh other kids will see this when they grow up and make fun of them for it” excuse…. 90% of people on Facebook today have their privacy settings adjusted so that only people on their friends list can see what they say. So no, it can’t just be “Googled” then used as ammo against them.

  • mia

    maybe that is not the exact conversation you signed up for but here is a reality check many moms use face boook as a means t make sure what they are experienceing is normal. As themother of a son had no ide what the baby male anatomy was capable of nor what was normal. I trip to barnes and noble to ready about child sexuality or hormones wasnt realy on the agend and callin the pediatrician that is three months backed up unless emergeniceis or scheduled wellness wasnt an option either but I have 300+ fac book freinds and over half eitherhave little boys or had them so yes they enlightened me, destressed me and prepared me.If you dont want to hear about it turn off computer orprivate chat. I really dont care o hear about you dinner parties and vacatins when I barley get more than a few chicken nugget and left over peanutbutter crackers these days.In oter words GET over it..further I doubt my son will be insensesd that I discussedhis body parts on line when he is 25 anymore than we are wrecked becaseuour parents took pics of us in the bath tubs with our brothers at four five and six years old!

    • Kyt

      Thank you, Mia!!

    • SRSLY?!?!

      You should be less concerned about the effects of social media and more concerned about the fact that you’re functionally retarded, as demonstrated by your inability to construct a simple sentence or spell basic English vocabulary. I am concerned that people like you breed.

    • Notorious

      Do you have a husband or boyfriend? Maybe a brother, father or close male friend? Perhaps a real life friend with boys? Ask THEM if your kid’s penis is normal. I think they would know.

      Also, the internet is full of information – Facebook isn’t the only site on here. There are several websites like babycenter, cafe mom, and where there are women who would LOVE to chat with you about your baby and if it is normal.

    • Kitty

      “I really dont care o hear about you dinner parties and vacatins when I barley get more than a few chicken nugget and left over peanutbutter crackers these days.In oter words GET over it. (VERY sic)”

      You’re not trying to milk sympathy for being a mother and apparently being forced to eat your child’s leavings, are you? Motherhood does not equal martyrhood. Talking about a vacation or dinner party is nothing like talking about a child’s penis. If you were talking about ANY child penis besides the one you helped create, you’d be branded a pervert and a pedophile. Why is it ok, just because you contributed an egg to the process?

  • tim

    I would very much loathe my parents if they did this to me. would never, ever, ever, ever do this to a child. I loathe parents who do this. Have some goddamn respect for your children! Think how they would feel about this! I wouldn’t be happy and i would very much hurt you, every one of you.

  • TD

    The problem here is that too many people equate boner (especially when children get them) with arousal. Penises are an organ, just like the skin, eyes, etc., and need blood flow to keep them alive. Spontaneous erections (even adults get them) are there simply to serve that purpose. Keep that in mind next time your kid gets hard.

  • Jen Clark

    Why were they hailing little girls as if they never grab themselves during changing or baths and never get poop anywhere except the bottom of a diaper? Also, why do moms keep acting like woodies on babies and children are evil, mysterious and always equal arousal?