duggar lead image

Duggar faithful, I was so off my game last night. I didn’t realize it was THE WEDDING and sat down at 8:15 and flipped on TLC only to see it started at 8 pm instead of the usual 9 pm. I had to stay up until the re-run at 11 pm in order to catch the first 15 minutes so now, you know how much I care. That said, what a incredible episode. Jessa’s Resting Bitch Face was on fleek and the newlywed’s private first kiss was handled with every bit of awkwardness we could have hoped for. Grab your flasks, everyone (because you know this wedding is dryer than a bone). It’s time to recap this very special wedding edition of 19 Kids and Counting!

We open with the usual rehashing of everyone’s shock and awe that a 22-year old woman raised to marry young and pop out babies is actually, FINALLY getting married! Gag. Jessa and Ben are at a pre-marital counseling session with Pastor Mike and he’s asking them over and over if they are sure about this and whether there’s anything that would prevent them from getting married. Ben folded him arms uncomfortably over his boner and Jessa was all dude, of course we’re getting married. She would marry Big Bird at this point if it got her out of Jim Bob’s prison.

Pastor Mike also makes a point of discussing the WTF-ness of them saving their first kiss for marriage. I believe his exact words were “You know it doesn’t say that anywhere in the Bible, right?” YES PASTOR MIKE! He must be a freakier variety of fundamental Christian where you’re allowed to sinfully touch lips and possibly even chests before committing your entire lives to each other. IMAGINE THAT.

Sierra, the most patient angel of a wedding planner, is at the venue directing everyone into work crews. For a wedding. Work crews, you guys. Maybe if you didn’t invite over 1000 people you could avoid making people you love WORK for your wedding. One of the crews is trash crew. Can you imagine asking some of your guests to man the trash cans at your wedding? I cannot even with this shit, Duggars. Use your reality show millions and hire this out to people who aren’t GUESTS at the wedding. Sierra goes on to say that Jessa’s wedding is the biggest event she’s ever done by herself. She seems nervous but her plan is to pray. Sounds solid.

It’s now the day before the wedding and once again, Jessa simply can’t believe she’s about to get married! God, please shut up. She talks about how their “theme” is basically the same as Jill’s because they’re reusing all her decorations. The few times we see Jill she appears a little weirded out that it’s not about her anymore. Hopefully, the baby will swing the spotlight back around to her soon. Michelle says Jessa worked very hard to stay within budget which is a nice courtesy when it’s not your money. Although she and her sisters and their hair kind of built the Duggar compound with all that sweet reality show and book deal dough. Screw it, Jessa should do whatever she wants for her wedding.

Meanwhile, Sierra and her work crews are getting ready to make over 1500 brownies for the reception. Jesus Christ. She’s thrilled with all this magical help and of course, she notes that it is a blessing. I’m thinking most of these people are just hoping for a little reality show camera time. And maybe a first crack at the brownies before 1000 people have man-handled them. Gross.

Time for the wedding rehearsal and Jim Bob and Michelle have their fundie eyes on. Boob says he’s trying hard not to be as emotional as he was with Jill’s wedding, which should be easy since he clearly doesn’t love Jessa as much. All the evidence we need is that Jill got the mansion and Jessa got the mold infestation. He stresses once again how tough it is to “give them away to another man” and I got my usual Jim Bob DoucheChills™. He really and honestly views them as his prizes to dole out as he sees fit. It’s disgusting.

The best part about this rehearsal scene is how totally disenchanted Jessa is about it. Jill was so bright-eyed and happy but Jessa looks ready to bolt at any moment. When she and Boob are practicing the hand-off to her new keeper husband, I thought she might light herself on fire to escape. The schmaltzy stuff is so not her vibe. The mushier Boob gets, the more horrified she appears. Derp pipes in for his part saying he’s not too worried about the order of events as long as he and Jessa are married by the end. Bless your heart, Derp. I don’t think anyone expects you to do much beyond wiping your own butt and breathing. Leave the order of events to the adults.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: A Very Duggar Football Game And A Jessa Retrospective)