10 Natural Enemies Of Parents Everywhere

Being a parent is tough by it’s very nature, even in the easiest of times. Raising young humans and trying not to mess them up is pretty stressful and all-consuming. Your whole day is centered around caring, feeding, dressing, playing and attempting to impart knowledge on them with as few bumps as you can manage. Of course, the bumps are plenty and at some point, all parents discover the various ways a wrench can be thrown into an otherwise smooth day with their kids. Here are some of the natural enemies of parents everywhere:

1. Stickers

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Stupid stickers. They get stuck to things. As adults, we know this. Toddlers and pre-schoolers don’t seem to grasp this concept until it’s too late and you’re careening down the freeway and they’re losing their mind because the sticker had the nerve to get stuck to something before they were ready to part with it. Seriously, fuck stickers.

2. Lollipops

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Lollipops suck, pun fully intended. They get tangled up in hair, they make a drooly mess of the average toddler and they also fall on the ground and are rendered inedible causing a flood of tears. When someone offered my kids lollipops when they were younger, I would cringe so hard knowing it probably wouldn’t end well. They can be helpful as a bribe at times but more often than not, they just cause more problems.

3. Rides Outside The Store

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Dear God, can we just get rid of the stupid rides outside the drug store already? Most parents don’t have time to stop and many of us only use debit cards and never have change available. These rides are dumb, please blow them all up for the sake of beleaguered parents everywhere.

4. Glitter

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I have railed against the evils of glitter more than once but it cannot be stressed enough. Glitter is the dust of the devil. Teachers, craft hour at the library, that other mom who doesn’t seem stressed by anything — they will all PLAGUE you with fucking glitter. I still have glitter in my house from projects my kids brought home last Christmas. We need a moratorium on stupid glitter.

5. Noisy Toys

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Noisy toys mostly seem to come into the life of a parent by way of a well-meaning grand-parent or stupid sibling with no kids who doesn’t understand the torture of a toddler drum set. However well-meaning, it still sucks to be saddled with the equivalent of a Vegas casino in the playroom formerly known as your living room. The day I got rid of all the noisy Fisher Price toddler toys was probably one of the highlights of my life as a parent so far. So liberating.

6. Toy Packaging

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I feel like I have a gun to my head when my kids get a gift in that awful packaging that requires an advanced degree and three different sharp objects to pry open. The kid is anxious, waiting for his toy, and I am anxious that once I bust it open, I will have teeny pieces everywhere. Or a giant cut on my hand. Dammit, shoplifters. Be cool. I’m tired of having to hack into packaging every time my kid gets a new toy.

7. Balloons

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Oh Jesus, balloons. Balloons have caused more tantrums in my kids than any other item on this list. They eventually deflate and simultaneously, crush your kid’s hopes and dreams. They pop, which is scary and also, oh shit, my balloon died. They float away, samesies. Oh, and if you are like my son, they pop right in your face and you get a big puffy eye and cry for a solid hour. Seriously, balloons can just die in a fire.

8. Light-Up Shoes

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I have bought these for my kids and I regret it every time. First of all, sometimes, they just stop lighting up after a few weeks and then they want new ones. Second of all, they are often pretty pricey and only because they light up. Which feels stupid and frivolous. Lastly, some of them are REALLY bright. Like, seizure-inducing bright. Don’t order Twinkle Toes online, is all I’m saying. I made that error and my daughter’s feet looked like teeny police cruisers pulling someone over. No thank you, please.

9. Public Bathrooms

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They are a necessary evil but honestly, the absolute worst. Nothing strikes terror in my parenting heart like my kids asking to go to the bathroom at the grocery store. They’re often dirty and since kids touch every single effing thing they see, it’s never a fun place to visit with your small kids.

10. Check-Out Lane Candy 

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Why can’t this trend die out already? I get that people buy candy and gum on impulse but this is a source of major aggravation for parents. I have taught my kids for years that they won’t be getting a treat everywhere we go but what little kid worth their salt doesn’t at least try to get their parents to buy them check-out lane candy? Stop the insanity.

(Image: GettyImages)

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