Contemporary parenthood, if you’re a lady, is rife with all kinds of cutesy terminology that I personally cannot stand. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a house where my grandmother visibly cringed at words like “panties” but it’s getting to the point where I can’t even do my proper Mommyish reporting without drowning in the following ridiculous — and honestly infantalizing — terminology. Are we mommies or 4-year-olds ourselves?

1. “Push Present”

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Normally, I’m a big fan of alliteration but I just can’t with this one. I’m not quite sure whether it’s just the fact that this word is becoming synonymous with gold digging money grubbing lady stereotypes or that pushing out a human warrants shiny jewelry. Either way, I downvote this nonsense.

(photo:  younona_1307)

2. “Playdate”

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When I was a kid, which honestly wasn’t THAT long ago, it was just called going over to some friend’s house. Now that the childhood staple has been upgraded to a term that implies your spawn and someone else’s kid playing tennis and bridge — or something. Unless there is a legitimate date happening here, which probably isn’t happening until your kids are at least teenagers, I have little tolerance for the image of toddlers in cashmere sweaters drinking Tom Collins.

(photo: Christian Montone)

3. “Mummy Tummy”

afterbirthtummy

Just no with this bullshit. We have enough derogatory tabloid terms for women’s bodies as it is. We do not need to add yet another cutesy, back-handed way of describing women after they give birth.

(photo:  mattyG1553)

4. “Tummy Tuck”

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If grownass women want to get LIPOSUCTION or cosmetic abdominal surgery, that’s their prerogative but can they please sound like grownass women when they get it done? LIPOSUCTION is a serious elective surgery that adults get for an array of personal reasons. “Tummy tuck” sounds like you’re 15 and throwing in an extra spa service while you’re getting your brows done.

(photo: Piotr Marcinski / Shutterstock)

5. “Hubby”

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I’m guilty of using this one from time to time in my Mommyish tenure, usually when I’ve had too much caffeine and Eve Vawter is distracting me with awesome GIFs. Truthfully, I have no concrete reason for disliking this word other than my approximate distaste for pet names for other people’s partners. And “hubby” sounds like you two coo at one another on double dates and probably call one another “bunny” at dinner parties. But come to think of it, I’m guilty of doing that too.

(photo: clappstar)